To begin the fostering process or hold off?

[TheCyanCrab47]

Hi everyone,

My husband (44) and I (45) have been talking about fostering for many years , even before we were married and had our two children, now 13 (14 this year) and 11 (12 next year). This is the first time that we have come into a time where it might be possible to begin the process, but we don’t want to do so without proper research and talking to current foster carers, so here I am!
I have a career in academic research, completing a PhD and undertaking fieldwork abroad with children (mostly teenagers). My husband works in secondary education. I recently finished a contract role and instead of immediately applying for something else, we are both now wondering if now is the right time to take the leap into fostering.

We have attended information meetings with our local trust and have our first screening call booked for Friday. At the information meetings, the trust suggested we consider fostering children from newborn to KS1 to fit with our family dynamic. At the moment, we live in a 3-bed home – my husband and I share, and our children have their own rooms – so any placement would need to be under 2 at this stage. We actively looked at moving into a bigger home simply because we want to foster, but to get a new home in our budget we would have to move from a fairly quiet, suburban area to a much more built up and busy one, which we don’t think is right for the family. We would also be moving as my son enters into his GCSE options and GCSE study year, and my daughter starts secondary education - all the work needed to really settle in to a house, for them to feel used to it as well as to make sure it is ready for foster children is a lot to handle, and we are undecided on whether to make improvements to our current home or to sell up once my children are much older and move somewhere bigger.

Financially, we are mortgage-free and own our home outright. My husband’s credit and finances are in good shape. I entered into a debt management plan during Covid, when I had to pause work, but it will be off my record next year. At present my husband provides the lion’s share of the household income. We’re frugal and things can feel a little tight, but I imagine that’s the same for many families in similar situations. Saying that, we want to start at the right time for both any prospective child and for our own children.

We have pets (cats and a rescue dog). The dog has never lived with babies or toddlers – we got him when our children were 9 and 11 – so we’re thinking carefully about how this would work as he can be frightened.

I’ve recently entered peri-menopause and am still adjusting HRT levels, so I’m mindful about managing my energy and wellbeing alongside the demands of caring for young children.

I’d be so grateful for advice from experienced carers or those who’ve been in a similar position:

• Given our current space and set-up, would you advise starting now with under-2s/KS1, or waiting until we can offer more space/age ranges?
• Would you foster now, or wait until your own children are a little older?
• Is it better to start with the local authority or with an independent fostering agency? I really rate our LA, so I want to go with them, but would really like wider perspectives.
• How did you balance work and fostering, especially with younger children?
• If you’ve fostered alongside raising your own children, what helped you prepare them for the change?
• Any tips for introducing a foster child to existing pets, particularly a dog with no prior baby/toddler experience?

Any insights, especially honest pros and cons, would be so appreciated, and we aren’t afraid of the hard questions and opinions! If we have to wait a little bit longer to foster, we are happy to do that if it works best for our children and any new children coming into our home.

Thank you!

I haven’t fostered but have friends who do. My first thought is that you need a spare room, even for a baby, if nothing else to store their things. You also need to be prepared to have one parent home at least until the child is fully settled and then you will need lots of flexibility if working for meetings, therapy etc - you can use childcare but only once they are established usually. You also need to consider whether you are looking at short term or longer term placements, it is quite different my friend found - she now specialises in short term and emergency placements whilst the la is going through legal processes and assessments, it suits her (she is single, no children)

I used to foster for the LA years ago. You definitely needed a spare room even for babies. I used to work part time around school age children. I had dogs but no children of my own at the time. Don't underestimate the time this will take up, meetings with social workers (loads of them, you the child and the parents all have different SW). Then there is driving children to contact centres/parents homes. It's also an emotional roller coaster, you need resilience and a rock solid relationship.

You don't need a spare room to foster under-2s, it might be desirable but it's not a requirement. Several carers at my LA who don't have a spare room to foster for this age group. But to be clear OP - it wouldn't be up to KS1, it would be strictly under-2s without a spare room.

Disclosure - I'm a professional rather than a foster carer myself.

A key question for me is whether you want to focus on fostering babies? It's a specific type of fostering quite different from fostering older children. It's routine-driven, a lot of preparation for move-ons to adoption or reunification, often a lot of contact - it can be several times a week. A very different experience from fostering older children, where placements can (sometimes) be longer, the child engaged more and has their own personality and behaviours (for better and worse!). Most carers I know who foster this age group specifically chose it because they basically love babies. I'm not saying that's the only angle you can come at it from but it's a key consideration - do you like caring for babies that much?

Everything hinges on that really because if that's not the fostering experience you want then you need to wait until you are in a position to move.

In terms of other considerations I think there's never going to be a perfect time to foster, you might face different barriers in 5 years' tim, nothing else in your post sounds insurmountable if you really want to do it.

Have you considered Shared Lives instead?

Do your children support this? I absolutely wouldn’t have wanted my parents attention taken up by a vulnerable foster child and all the challenges that
come with when going through puberty/teenage years/exams.

I think the bedroom situation isn’t good. Whilst you might say you’ll only take under 2’s, what happens if court proceedings get delayed for 6 months/ a year. The toddler would have to move homes?

A foster child aged 2 plus would definitely have to have their own bedroom, younger can be in your room.
Babies will have a lot of contact with their parents while assessments are taking place. This could be 5 times a week and could be more if parents are being assessed separately. There could be older siblings in foster care so the contacts would usually be after school time.You would have to take the baby to these contacts. This could continue for several months. In addition there will be health appointments, swkr meetings , review meetings, planning meetings and these will be given dates which could impact on your children’s routines, there’s little flexibility.
Others on this thread have offered a good insight.
It’s usually the LA who will place babies with their own carers rather than with an agency carer.
Its such a rewarding thing to be part of the‘process’ of seeing the baby eventually returning home, or to family or to adoption.
A lot of the decision would be how you feel your own children will feel and adapt to this.
Good luck with your decision.

I didn't think about the space for baby things actually and that's a really good point - it has been a while since I have had a baby or a younger child in the house! I'll have more of a think about this. In terms of work, I would be the one to give up and be the one at home full time, my husband will remain in his job. I didn't think about the longer and shorter term placement angle, so I will look into this. Really appreciate your response!

As I am/we are researching, we are definitely becoming more and more aware of the role of social workers and the time that will be expected of us. My husband and I have a rock solid relationship, for sure, and I wouldn't even be doing this unless he agreed with and supported the decision. However, we also don't want to go into this with rose tinted glasses either, so I really appreciate your input into this!

This is all so incredibly helpful, thank you! I am aware that we can only (potentially at this stage) foster up until the age of 2, and rightly so. Ideally we would like up to KS1 just to fit in with family dynamics, but circumstances just do not allow for that at the moment. Thank you for pointing that out though!

Fostering babies and newborns is something I would absolutely love to do, so no worries here on that score. I remember how hard it was with my two, so I'm not going into this thinking it won't be hard work, but I know that my husband and I can make such a difference to babies and newborns. The additional fostering responsibilities and commitments in terms of contact and visits etc is something I am still looking into, but I am aware that it will come with immense responsibility and I think we can handle that.

You are spot on of course, I remember having a similar conversation about "is it the right time" before having my own children, and if I had waited for the perfect time they wouldn't be here as it simply doesn't exist, does it?! Thank you for reminding me of that.

I haven't, but I will look into it! Thank you!

Thank you so much for asking this question. The children have been aware of the concepts of fostering, adoption and even fostering to adopt for a little while. We have had discussions consistently over the past 2-3 years about why children need to be fostered, what that means, how it might change things, what they would want to have considered before we made a decision. In theory, they are all for it, but I realise that it is up to us provide them with truthful information about how this will affect them. We were waiting on telling them anything further until after the screening phonecall when we will know more about our chances and have some of our questions answered. We are super aware that opinions can change, that their lives will too as they grow up, and they will need us more, not less. Their perspective will always be at the forefront of our minds and our decisions on this.

This is actually one of the questions we are going to ask the LA on Friday when we have the screening call as the last thing we would want is to cause extra stress to a child. Such an important point, thank you!

Thank you for your balanced response. I will definitely need to consider how these things will impact on the routines of my own children. Thankfully they are both fairly independent but that doesn't mean I will take my eye off the ball. There is so much to consider and I am grateful for all the points you raised!

My parents fostered when we were in our late teens and it was really really hard on us. I sound awful for saying it.

We couldn't go on holidays with the foster children due to their contact with parents. The parents would refuse to waive their contact rights for a week so we could all go away. That was rough as it made for an odd dynamic. They weren't really a part of the family. They'd be in respite care when we went away as a family and were obviously upset by this. The juice wasn't really worth the squeeze so we stopped going on as many holidays.

They were very dysregulated after contact. It was always 50/50 whether their mum turned up and if she didn't it would obviously be extremely distressing for them. If she did, well they hated coming back to ours after. One of our foster pairs had contact 5 times per week even though they were in full time school. It was knackering for them. We had to get them there, too.

Contact would often be scheduled straight after school (which obviously wont be an issue for toddler age) so mum was off running them around when we needed her the most.

100% I would say you need a non working carer in the house or at the very least extremely part time and flexible work. It is emotionally and practically very intense.

My parents fostered 17 kids in total and the two pairs of kids we had the longest (one for 2 years - my parents were short term foster carers but their case was complex as it involved a life changing injury) were very loved by us all. It was hard to say goodbye as a 15/16/17 year old.

To be honest I think you would be selfish to do this seemingly selfless thing. Your responsibility is to your own young kidsm I'd have liked more of my parents' attention at that formative time of my life. To be able to be taken to uni open days, etc. My dad worked away a lot which certainly didn't help. I guess my question would be - would you bring your own biological 2 year old into the mix now, and if not, why would a foster child - with all the complexities and attachment issues and lack of parental responsibility meaning you need to keep accurate records of every dose of Calpol and haircut and regular contact at times you can't choose - be any easier?

My immediate thought op was about needing another bedroom for sure, but also that your child is going into a key academic year. That could be quite demanding emotionally for them and taking on a foster child could be an awful lot for them at a key time. The bonding with and then 'losing' a child as they move back home with family or to a different placement, if a child struggled to adjust and needed your full attention, some children really struggle with the idea of other biological kids being in the home and can lash out through trauma in various ways.

I think your kids are heading towards good ages for it but I wouldn't start during such a key year for one of them to be totally honest. I also think you need to have a lot of really honest conversations about what they feel about it. I have worked with a lot of young people who've been through foster care and many of them have ended up relying on their foster family well past 18/21 and into adult hood. If you or your dh become unable to provide this care will your children be expected to step up and are they prepared to do that. What are your and their expectations around this and how they will view any child coming to your home, especially for long term fostering. In this event would provision be made for the foster child v your biological children should you and your dh pass away if a foster child has been with you long term and are maybe moving into adult hood but still involved with your family?

There are a huge amount of meetings etc that can take up a lot of time for foster parents never mind the actual support for the child themselves. If you're just coming out of an extremely busy period where you've been working away and focusing on your PhD which is a crazy workload, then your kids might need to just enjoy you for a little while.

What I would consider if I were in your shoes and had an extra bedroom, would be emergency fostering for young kids so it would be brief, you could say yes or no depending on the needs of your other kids and you'd have the chance to reflect together in between. You could also then decline new placements in the run up and around exam time. But the moving and the extra bedroom is definitely a barrier.

Also I think it's really crucial to understand WHY you want to really do this. Especially since it sounds like your household runs at a serious pace as it is - sometimes we can get a little addicted to the pressure that comes from chaos and subconsciously keep adding to it because we get adrenaline from demand. What are your plans for retirement and as a family long term and where does fostering fit into that if a child ends up with you for longer than expected and the pace is becoming tiring?

Obviously we are absolutely crying out for foster carers at the moment, but these are all things that need to be teased out in advance.

Have you thought about the fact that many babies being fostered may have been exposed to drugs/ alcohol antenatally, so they aren’t necessarily the ‘easy option’ compared to slightly older children who are dealing with the trauma of being separated and other challenging behaviours related to why they are in care? A baby withdrawing can need almost constant attention, and still not be settled, be up several times in the night - will this wake the whole family? Development can be affected so additional health appointments needed. Moving on to adoptive placements or reunification can be extremely time and emotionally intense for a period. Have you thought about how your children will manage getting attached to a newborn for them to then move on 2yrs later?

One other thing I've thought of is, they'll also look to place young children like this with people who are more interested in the fostering to adopt route as this would stop a lot of upheaval for the child. The lack of room is a massive issue and every fostering advert I've come across always says you need a spare room.

My DD fosters, has a full-time job, is single and has two adopted children, siblings. She normally looks after older teenagers but she’s had younger children for respite care or short term placements.
The pre-assessment and training take a while, it’s by no means a quick process in our LA though I appreciate that this could vary. From this point of view you could start the training now as you would then be ready when the time is right.
I’d like to say that even in a very straightforward placement the child may be very unsettled and require a lot of help, reassurance and time. DD had to take a lot of time off work for appointments of one kind or another: medicals, school, both her own and the child’s social worker (regular appointments), assessment boards, annual reviews. You would need a supportive employer, though obviously if there are two of you the load would be shared.
Some placements are successful and rewarding, others are not. Some young people are honest, accepting, hard working and truthful. Others are not, some steal, many (unsurprisingly) have mental health problems. Sometimes they have undiagnosed medical or MH problems, even SEN which may never have been noticed or assessed during their lifetime in care.
Sometimes support is needed but it can be slow to happen and not effective.
Much of this sounds very negative but when a placement works it can be so rewarding for everyone. One of her teenagers who hadn’t been very successful at school and had a placement that had broken down ended up getting a Law degree and setting sail on a successful and happy life after coming to her at 14. Another has started a Civil Service apprenticeship and is living independently.
I know less about younger children but can’t see how you could manage without extra bedroom space, though you say you can’t get this in the area where you live, near to your DCs schools. Maybe a loft or other extension?
As @perplexedbotheredbewildered says the independent fostering agencies tend to have children that are more difficult to place either because of their needs or perhaps because they are siblings.

Apologies, the above post should have referred to @PerplexedConfusedBewildered - sorry!

I always wanted to foster and I grew up with foster children in the house. I then discovered Shared Lives and do this instead. I have two adults with autism who live with me. Obviously they need their own bedrooms. You can do long term or respite. I have three children 14,18 and 19 and they have adjusted ok, it's been just over a year so far.

Yes as others have said the space is a problem

Theoretically its ok for them to share but they will come with equipment and belongings

You could take a new born, because if proceedings get delayed, ideally they wont be delayed past the 2 year mark, but that is not guaranteed, over the past 5 years we have had plenty that go on longer than that

If you take new borns, the work involved is a high level of contact and either transition back to the parent, and you need to be invested and embracing of that even if you personally have doubts, if assessment and court dictates thats where the child is going thats what you'll work towards with the rest of the network and that means getting to know and work with the parents

If the child is going to be adopted then you'll support the adoption transition and again, its not uknown for foster carers to feel doubtful about the adopters, feeling they're not 'right' for the child but you have to get on board and work with that.

If you take older children, say 1yr or 18months, you cant guarantee the proceedings would have finished by the time they need their own room so you're quite limited.

Congratulations, thank your for your kindness. I have friends who do it and they say it’s very rewarding (bit like parenting not without its ups and downs).

I would just go ahead with all the meetings, the local council are very experienced in answering questions you may have. And given it’s a lengthy process to conclude, would certainly start now.