To begin the fostering process or hold off?

[TheCyanCrab47]

Hi everyone,

My husband (44) and I (45) have been talking about fostering for many years , even before we were married and had our two children, now 13 (14 this year) and 11 (12 next year). This is the first time that we have come into a time where it might be possible to begin the process, but we don’t want to do so without proper research and talking to current foster carers, so here I am!
I have a career in academic research, completing a PhD and undertaking fieldwork abroad with children (mostly teenagers). My husband works in secondary education. I recently finished a contract role and instead of immediately applying for something else, we are both now wondering if now is the right time to take the leap into fostering.

We have attended information meetings with our local trust and have our first screening call booked for Friday. At the information meetings, the trust suggested we consider fostering children from newborn to KS1 to fit with our family dynamic. At the moment, we live in a 3-bed home – my husband and I share, and our children have their own rooms – so any placement would need to be under 2 at this stage. We actively looked at moving into a bigger home simply because we want to foster, but to get a new home in our budget we would have to move from a fairly quiet, suburban area to a much more built up and busy one, which we don’t think is right for the family. We would also be moving as my son enters into his GCSE options and GCSE study year, and my daughter starts secondary education - all the work needed to really settle in to a house, for them to feel used to it as well as to make sure it is ready for foster children is a lot to handle, and we are undecided on whether to make improvements to our current home or to sell up once my children are much older and move somewhere bigger.

Financially, we are mortgage-free and own our home outright. My husband’s credit and finances are in good shape. I entered into a debt management plan during Covid, when I had to pause work, but it will be off my record next year. At present my husband provides the lion’s share of the household income. We’re frugal and things can feel a little tight, but I imagine that’s the same for many families in similar situations. Saying that, we want to start at the right time for both any prospective child and for our own children.

We have pets (cats and a rescue dog). The dog has never lived with babies or toddlers – we got him when our children were 9 and 11 – so we’re thinking carefully about how this would work as he can be frightened.

I’ve recently entered peri-menopause and am still adjusting HRT levels, so I’m mindful about managing my energy and wellbeing alongside the demands of caring for young children.

I’d be so grateful for advice from experienced carers or those who’ve been in a similar position:

• Given our current space and set-up, would you advise starting now with under-2s/KS1, or waiting until we can offer more space/age ranges?
• Would you foster now, or wait until your own children are a little older?
• Is it better to start with the local authority or with an independent fostering agency? I really rate our LA, so I want to go with them, but would really like wider perspectives.
• How did you balance work and fostering, especially with younger children?
• If you’ve fostered alongside raising your own children, what helped you prepare them for the change?
• Any tips for introducing a foster child to existing pets, particularly a dog with no prior baby/toddler experience?

Any insights, especially honest pros and cons, would be so appreciated, and we aren’t afraid of the hard questions and opinions! If we have to wait a little bit longer to foster, we are happy to do that if it works best for our children and any new children coming into our home.

Thank you!

How well do your children sleep and are they likely to be able to sleep through baby crying? My own children are 11, 8 and 1 and the 1 year old sometimes wakes the 8 year old who is then grumpy the next day. Also the 11 year old running about in the evening makes it hard to get the 1 year old to sleep.

I suspect the IFA/LA will be concerned about your plans to move home to accommodate a foster child. It could lead to resentment from your own children.

Sorry this isn’t strictly true.FFA exists and is quite promoted but in my LA they won’t consider FFA unless it’s highly highly likely that it’s forgone that parents will fail their assessments and that there are no viable family members to assess during proceedings.

FC for under 2’s for time limited placements (children going through proceedings) are becoming more scarce in my area.

I foster 3 siblings who are related to me, all under 10. I also have 2 teenage children. I have found the impact on my children very difficult to manage because their lives have been turned upside down and, although they know the reasons that we had to do it, they miss their mums attention and the things we used to be able to do. Managing family contact is a lot, as are the meetings with various professionals. This takes up a lot of my time.

I haven’t given up my career, as I love it and it’s a big part of who I am, but it’s so hard to manage everything. Also, if you don’t have a foster child, you don’t get paid, so it’s not a hugely reliable income. Certainly not secure enough to give up my job for! My husband and I have separated since they moved in so i know that has increased my work load significantly.

You'll definitely need a room for them though, having baby and all their stuff in your bedroom is a lot! Think about your physical relationship with your husband. That would be impacted significantly. Could you extend your current house?

Just to clarify that it up to age 3 that can sleep in your room. They can share while they’re 2, it’s when they turn 3 that they need their own room.

A lot of people refer to “under 2s” but it’s really 2 and under. May seem pedantic but it may affect your decision if you’re aware that they can stay in your room until then.

Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing your situation. I can honestly say that if we didn't have the agreement of our children, now or in the future, we would not do it. We have been very clear on that with the kids. They are wanting to do it, but we are having many conversations on the realities of it so they aren't going into it with rose tinted glasses. This is why perspectives like yours are so incredibly important. Thank you for sharing.

Again, another really balanced and necessary perspective which I truly appreciate. All of these things were also raised during our screening call on Friday. I have told both the kids that just because they are supportive of it now doesn't mean we won't hear them if things get tough or if they change their mind. I've also asked them to research it for themselves and to read about other people's experiences and, if/when the time comes, to always tell the truth about how they are feeling to anyone that asks including social workers. We are not parents that tell the kids to bottle up their feelings, especially on something like this. Your point about short term placements is incredibly valid and something that we are definitely considering and discussing with one another.

Absolutely, 100%. Thank you for raising these points.

This is exactly what I echoed at the meeting. You're completely right about the dog and this is one of the things I think we need to consider carefully. Our dog is also an international rescue, and although he has been around children he has never been around babies or very young children before. We made that very clear in the call, and they also said he will need a pet assessment.

In terms of space, you're right in that we are restricted to the under 2 group and we would have to move or extend to change that. We are actively thinking about what the best thing is to do here.

I completely understand your points about finances too, and again this was asked about at the screening call. We are in the position to dip into kir own finances if need be, and we are still figuring out the ins and outs of how everything works. However, we truly have not considered this for financial reasons, we have always wanted to do it alongside having our own biological children, and have even considered adoption (which again, wouldn't be feasible in our current set up in any case). It is something we agreed on before we got married.

Good luck with label! I do hope you'll let me know how it goes, and I really appreciate your advice.

Thank you for this. We are in no way whatsoever thinking of fostering newborns because it is an "easy motion," it is because we want to begin fostering and in our current home set up cannot foster any older children. If we could, we most certainly would, believe me. Everything you have raised has also been raised with our children, and will no doubt be raised by social workers who work alongside us. They know the difference between fostering and adoption and and they want to help, but again, we are always checking in to make sure they understand the impact that fostering such young children (0-2 at the moment) can and will have on their lives. We are talking to the LA about this again soon as I want them to be crystal clear on what impact it will have on their own lives, as well as the lives of the children who come into our home.

The spare room thing is an issue for us too. If actually made us hold off from enquiring much earlier until a mutual friend said that under twos can he aced in the same room as the parents, and that's when we started looking into it further. The foster to adopt route is something we have heard of fairly recently too, and we have the same questions about whether babies would be more likely to be placed with these families, but I suppose it depends on the needs of the kids under the care of the LA. Here, there is a great need for foster carers across the spectrum, including babies and toddlers, which I was really surprised about.

This sounds like such a positive story for all involved and I'm really glad! For us, moving isn't completely off the cards and we did have a very good look at a few properties with fostering in mind. However, it's finding what we need that could better the kids my children, and indeed foster children, have here, and at the moment we just can't find that by moving. We have looked into extending but though we can easily do that downstairs, we can't do it upstairs as nobody else on our street has (our roof is too low for a loft extension). All options are on the table though.

Your kids are just coming into the age when they really need you emotionally. In 7y they'll both have left school. Foster then. I cannot imagine that they'll forgive you for doing it now.

100%, and this is something my husband and I have spoken to the LA about as we consider which route to go down.

My eldest can sleep through an earthquake! My youngest not so much. This is also something we are thinking about.

I should have caveated what I mean when I said that really... When we moved into our current home, we always planned to move to a home that is closer to the kids schools when our youngest starts secondary, which is in the next couple of weeks. When we looked at moving and viewed properties, we did so with both aims in mind, the needs of our children and the potential to foster. We wouldn't move just to foster if the kids are already settled, there's just no way we would uproot them like that unless they were both on board.

A very good friend of mine fostered for numerous years with a variety of ages and I’d say that doing it when your own children are doing their GCSEs etc would not be the best decision . I also don’t think that you have the room in your house l

Thank you for sharing your experience! I understand completely the feelings of your children and truly empathise with your own too. My career is/was definitely something that I love and also,Ike you, was a significant part of who I am. However, I have wanted to foster for as long as I can remember, and if I can take that chance now, I'll do it. I don't know how I would manage a career even part time with a foster child so young any rate! I would want to be here, for the child as well as for my own children. The social worker we spoke to is coming on Tuesday to take a look at our space and if it isn't big enough, we don't do it. Babies come with a lot of stuff, as you've said (and I can just about remember 😂).

I understand your concerns, I share them. However if they weren't on board, either now on in the future, we wouldn't do it. I agree with you completely that as they get older they will need us more emotionally, not less, and that will be factored in to our decision.

Yes but they don't know what they're agreeing to. You're the adult, and you understand the needs of a foster child - they can't possibly, and they'll never feel able to complain.

I completely understand why people want to share their experiences, particularly as it affected their own children/childhood, and that's valuable insight. At the same time though, I don’t think there’s a universal truth here, if there was nobody would foster at all. Every family dynamic is different. Here, our kids are always encouraged to speak to us and be honest about how they are feeling. Of course there are times they will feel uncomfortable in doing so, and in these situations they also have a wide support network. I imagine that is why fostering assessments build in checks and balances, for just these kinds of concerns. Our kids will be checked in on and spoken to directly, by us and any LA team I'm sure. Their wellbeing will be monitored, and if it ever wasn’t right for them, we would stop. For us, fostering only makes sense if our children feel secure, heard, and supported, and they absolutely will be should we choose to do it as a family. I do appreciate your point though.

you could mot do shared lives with no spare bedroom so forgettable.
I am both a Shared lives and Foster carer and honestly I would sort the bedroom situation first. You really do need one because you don't want 2 yr olds being moved to other placements if care proceedings are on going. It is more disruption.

I wonder if one or both of your own DC might like a bedroom downstairs @TheCyanCrab47
Maybe if you want to do the extension for the kitchen you can reconfigure the existing space to give an extra room somewhere? Or if your kitchen is OK as it is you could simply build a new room at the side/back. (Sorry, obviously have no idea of your floorplan).
If/when you come to sell you can always present it as an office, snug or playroom if you plan it carefully and it would add to the value. That would give you a bedroom for a small foster child upstairs. Perhaps the DC who is doing exams first could have it, to give them some peace and quiet.
I just remembered about your rescue dog. My DD did have a rescue cat and she actually rehomed it not long after the adopted children came as it was very unsettled. She has cats again now, but not rescue cats.

@TheCyanCrab47

Ive been fostering for 2 years. Im also an adoptive parent and have lots of adopter and foster carer friends so thought I was pretty well prepared.
I did wait until my son was 18 and going to uni.
I think I was pretty well prepared for the kids. What I have really struggled with is the lack of support from services. Its a very broken system. Foster kids are at the back of the queue for everything. The outside world really doesn't care. There are some good social workers but some of them are just abysmal.
I nearly stopped fostering after my first child who was with me for 11 months. The inaction and quite frankly incompetence of his SW made a difficult situation traumatic for both the child and me. I didn't go into this to add to a child's trauma. The guilt is incredible.
On the dogs, it is important to recognise that the kids can hurt pets. Just last week I heard about 2 children who fatally injured the family dog. Such extremes may be rare but they do happen

My immediate thought is why do you want to foster children who would be at such a very different stage of life from you own kids? Not that it's wrong at all, but how will it work? What will your days actually look like with a 14 and a 12 year old and maybe a child of around 2? How will you be a family? What will family days or holidays look like? Will your really have the space for quiet spaces for your kids to do GCSE coursework, while your 2 year old plays with toddler toys?!