Is fostering really that bad??

[Anguillagirl]

Husband and I have been seriously considering fostering but I have frightened myself by reading appalling stories (admittedly mostly from the US) of foster kids killing/torturing pets, smearing poo over the walls, attacking carers, and generally being terrifying.

I have a lot of life-experience including having kids plus having my (late) niece who was in care occasionally for weekends.

I would really like to hear from experienced carers. I'm aware of the trauma foster kids have been through, and that they're not like your own kids (mine will have left home by the time we would be fostering) however if they are as difficult as what I've read on reddit etc, fostering is definitely not something I could do.

Having said that - I know of a single woman who is only 22 and a foster carer and she seems to be fine with her quite 'easy' toddler....so maybe the scare stories are the exception not the rule?

I imagine they start you off with less challenging ones?!

When i first researched I also found it very scary with tales of allegations made and lives badly affected. There are steps you can take to minimise problems that you have read about. Firstly you need to register with an organisation that will respect the parameters you set for the type of children you are prepared to foster. The process is called "matching" and when done well it helps place children in an environment where the placement is likely to suit both children and carers. Sadly some LAs and agencies have little interest and will just look to place children where there is a vacancy regardless of suitability. To help prevent this register with a LA/ifa who will let you see the full referral sheet ie details and history of the child/children. You must be free to reject placements suggested and not in an organisation that will then punish you if you decline by not offering further referrals for months. This does take place. We have turned down the vast majority of placements offerred (80-90 %) and as a result we have had some success with the 10 children we have had to date. That's not to say there hasnt been difficulties but they have been manageable and to a degree, predictable. I have met some incredible foster carers who have taken and cared for some really disturbed children and it is humbling to see what they cope with. I am just not made of the same stuff so operate in a more "vanilla" world. The point I am making is that you can control things to a certain degree and if things go wrong you can end the placement so a more suitable carer or carers can be found. Good luck.

We fostered once our own children were grown up. Looked after teenagers mainly. We were careful about matching and had some brilliant long term kids who were a pleasure to look after. Can think of several who were pretty awful and that did include physical violence, smashing furniture, purposefully flooding a bathroom and hurting the animals. However they were short visits thankfully. On the whole it was good, but I wouldn't have done it when my children were young.

I guess with different people it's a mix of different issues,

Scare stories??
Fostering means caring for children who can't be with their parents. Many of them will have been abused, most will have been neglected. Some (a minority) will have extreme and challenging behaviours. You won't have to foster a child with very challenging behaviour if you don't want to.
I have to say your attitude is quite odd and does raise questions about what you would bring to fostering if that's your first impressions.

I foster for our LA and, on the whole, the support and matching has been good. I foster mainly babies (drug/substance withdrawing or with medical needs as that as is what my background is in).

I am a fc and adoptor and it can be challenging yes but it is also extremely rewarding.
You are able to decide whether or not to take a placement and what age of children you would prefer etc so it is not a case of getting no say in the children and young people placed with you.
Many.people find their niche . Some like little ones and others thrive on teenagers. Some like short term placements and others prefer childen to stay long term and be permanent members of the family. We specialise in children with complex disabilities and medical needs so we have challenges for sure but of a different kind .
To be honest it is not the children that I find most challenging. It is the paperwork and accountability and constant scrutiny you face because you have social workers responsible for a lot of the decisions about the child in your care and this can have a impact on the wider household so that is something to bear in mind.

I would just say make sure you and your husband are definitely on the same page about doing this...if the decision is driven by one person more than the other it can lead to resentment and cracks in your relationship.

I've reported you, Beeeeeep. Ad Hominem attacks are very close to trolling. Not impressed.

Nothing wrong with what beeep said. If you're not prepared to foster children with some behavioural problems, perhaps fostering isn't for you. That's not an attack.

Thank you Flapjackfairy, Bloodywhitecat, geranium. I think this is the message I'm getting from people (I also asked on another site). Namely, the importance of matching and seeing the kids' records and making sure you are trained/experienced/up to catering to their particular needs.

I have a lot of experience on medical needs flapjackfairy so maybe something I should look into. And also think I would be a good fit for teenagers due to personal experiences.

I think I was just needing some reassurance as some of the stories I read about where very disturbing and I have been trying to guage if they were the norm or the exception.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Scare stories?? Fostering means caring for children who can't be with their parents. Many of them will have been abused, most will have been neglected. Some (a minority) will have extreme and challenging behaviours. You won't have to foster a child with very challenging behaviour if you don't want to. I have to say your attitude is quite odd and does raise questions about what you would bring to fostering if that's your first impressions.

You sound like a social worker.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep, as a former foster child myself I don’t find the OP’s fears the least bit odd. It’s important that people looking at fostering ask questions and feel comfortable in asking about worse case scenarios. I know plenty of awful stories from foster parents and foster children.

Another ad hominem attack - thankyou jesus...
Methinks you are not actually a foster carer.

@Anguillagirl @Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep said nothing wrong. You sound rather odd. To say the least.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Scare stories?? Fostering means caring for children who can't be with their parents. Many of them will have been abused, most will have been neglected. Some (a minority) will have extreme and challenging behaviours. You won't have to foster a child with very challenging behaviour if you don't want to. I have to say your attitude is quite odd and does raise questions about what you would bring to fostering if that's your first impressions.

if you havent seen scare stories that make you question then you probably havent done much research in my opinion. It is not unreasonable to be scared by stories such as foster children making allegations against you which result in your own children being taken into care and your spouse being suspended from their job ! I found your comments unreasonable, ill informed, and inappropriate but most of all unfair. This should be a forum where people can be honest and open and expect informed support rather than vitriolic attacks. Empathy is an essential quality for a foster carer and rushing to ill informed judgement should not be encouraged.

@Anguillagirl

I've reported you, Beeeeeep. Ad Hominem attacks are very close to trolling. Not impressed.

Neither ad hominem nor trolling. In fact I'm a social worker who had worked with children in foster care for decades. I think asking 'is fostering really that bad' and talking about 'scare stories' when you're referring to traumatised children is really off and unpleasant. Maybe reflect on that before you lash out in defensiveness.

if you havent seen scare stories that make you question then you probably havent done much research in my opinion. It is not unreasonable to be scared by stories such as foster children making allegations against you which result in your own children being taken into care and your spouse being suspended from their job ! I found your comments unreasonable, ill informed, and inappropriate but most of all unfair. This should be a forum where people can be honest and open and expect informed support rather than vitriolic attacks. Empathy is an essential quality for a foster carer and rushing to ill informed judgement should not be encouraged.

As I say, I've been a social worker and worked with fostered children for my whole career. I am nothing if not informed.

[quote TomorrowIsAnotherDae]@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep, as a former foster child myself I don’t find the OP’s fears the least bit odd. It’s important that people looking at fostering ask questions and feel comfortable in asking about worse case scenarios. I know plenty of awful stories from foster parents and foster children.[/quote]
You don't think it's odd to talk about traumatised children as 'scare stories'?

You sound like a social worker.

Bang on. I'm sure you meant that as an insult but I'll accept it as a compliment.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

if you havent seen scare stories that make you question then you probably havent done much research in my opinion. It is not unreasonable to be scared by stories such as foster children making allegations against you which result in your own children being taken into care and your spouse being suspended from their job ! I found your comments unreasonable, ill informed, and inappropriate but most of all unfair. This should be a forum where people can be honest and open and expect informed support rather than vitriolic attacks. Empathy is an essential quality for a foster carer and rushing to ill informed judgement should not be encouraged.

As I say, I've been a social worker and worked with fostered children for my whole career. I am nothing if not informed.

Informed maybe but also just plain nasty!

There is nothing wrong with the questions the OP has asked!!!

@ThankYouHunkyJesus

Nothing wrong with what beeep said. If you're not prepared to foster children with some behavioural problems, perhaps fostering isn't for you. That's not an attack.

Thank you

Informed maybe but also just plain nasty!

There is nothing wrong with the questions the OP has asked!!!

There is a lot wrong with the way she asked them and her underlying attitudes that underpin this kind of language.

'Is it really that bad'
'Appalling'
'Terrifying'
'As difficult as I've read on Reddit'
'Scare stories'

I stand by what I said. This is no way for a prospective foster carer to be thinking about traumatised children.

@ThankYouHunkyJesus

Nothing wrong with what beeep said. If you're not prepared to foster children with some behavioural problems, perhaps fostering isn't for you. That's not an attack.

Are you a foster carer? I doubt it from your spectacularly unkind comment.

OP hasn't said she won't accept children with any kind of behavioural issues, but there is a spectrum and it's very broad.

Please don't lump all behavioural issues together - there's a huge difference between torturing pets/attacking carers and general/mainstream behavioural problems.

Not all foster children are hugely damaged/come with severe behavioural issues, many do not. Foster carers in the UK are able to specify what they can cope with.