Is fostering really that bad??

[Anguillagirl]

Husband and I have been seriously considering fostering but I have frightened myself by reading appalling stories (admittedly mostly from the US) of foster kids killing/torturing pets, smearing poo over the walls, attacking carers, and generally being terrifying.

I have a lot of life-experience including having kids plus having my (late) niece who was in care occasionally for weekends.

I would really like to hear from experienced carers. I'm aware of the trauma foster kids have been through, and that they're not like your own kids (mine will have left home by the time we would be fostering) however if they are as difficult as what I've read on reddit etc, fostering is definitely not something I could do.

Having said that - I know of a single woman who is only 22 and a foster carer and she seems to be fine with her quite 'easy' toddler....so maybe the scare stories are the exception not the rule?

Beep as a former foster carer and adopter, can you not see you are completely derailing the thread. This is the terminology normal people use! Only professional people say stuff like traumatised children. Professional people and people who have hung around them long enough to know what sort of language they prefer. Yes op some of the behaviour was very very scary. And we were good at it. Arson was a big one, absconding and putting selves at risk, assaulting younger family members, accusations etc as you would expect I guess. Or does that not happen Beep?

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Informed maybe but also just plain nasty!

There is nothing wrong with the questions the OP has asked!!!

There is a lot wrong with the way she asked them and her underlying attitudes that underpin this kind of language.

Well we must be reading different Ops then because I don't see anything wrong with the questions asked!!!

Your posts however .....

Not anyone can be a foster carer. I think it takes a lot of patience, understanding, caring and hard-work for what can be seen as few rewards.

My friend's parents decided they weren't suited to fostering; their children were easy to raise. They needed more support and were in no way prepared for the challenging teenager they fostered. It ended badly and they felt like failures. They chose not to risk fostering another child who was suggested as being more easy going and a better fit for them. My friend and one of her siblings then fostered themselves and her parents became excellent foster grandparents.

Cripes i can't see what Beeeeeeeeeeeep said wrong either, she sounds very well informed actually. Yes we often hear awful stories but really we are talking about caring for vulnerable children, many of them will have issues, but they still need a home, comfort and love just like any other child. The thing about fostering is if you discover it's not for you, you can opt out at any time, so if it's something you feel drawn to, it's always worth pursuing imo. I have been a foster carer for nearly 20 years, I am not in the UK so can't offer any practical advice but my experience has been very positive. We are long term foster carers to two fabulous girls who enrich our family every day, i simply cannot imagine our life without them in it.

I think by the fact that you keep reporting people at the drop of a hat on here that you're not necessarily cut out for it. Go ahead report.

I haven't fostered but I have worked with fostered kids, the toughest kinds. Often my colleagues and I would chat to the caters who say the role is always worth it.

Personally I could not do it- I would always be protective of my birth kids / animals and unable to fulfill the role well, but thank god for those who do.

A good foster parent can literally be a life line for these kids

It's hard to tell whether it's going to be a good match sometimes before you try it out. Sometimes you just click with a child and you get along well. It's important, especially with some teenagers to try not take things personally. We had a teenage boy who was really great with us. He had autism and his family found him too hard to handle but we never fell out and had a very easy placement. Sometimes it's chemistry

I worked with a preteen who just wanted to be back with her birth family. She had so much love for them but they were horrible people. They didn't want her because of her medical condition as she was too much work. I accompanied her on a scheduled visit home on her birthday. They knew she was coming but didn't bother to do anything to celebrate her birthday. Not even a card. Her egg donor was wittering to me about new shoes and other things she'd bought for herself, she barely gave her daughter a glance. Only the dog showed any reaction to seeing her. The girl stole a teddy bear and pretended it was a present from them.

Sometimes you have to deal with the birth families and that can be hard.

That's awful Pandemic i had the opposite problem with one little girl i had, when we visited they would have her bedroom done up for her and talk endlessly about 'when she came home' they even bought her a pet, knowing full well her going home wasn't an option, because they never made any effort to do any of the things they needed to do in order for her to return home.

The parents don't understand or don't care how the children are affected by the what they say and do. They are completely out of touch with what their children need and what they as parents should be doing. They refuse to work with SS and then when their children are removed they don't understand why.

The children deserve better.

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I worked with a preteen who just wanted to be back with her birth family. She had so much love for them but they were horrible people. They didn't want her because of her medical condition as she was too much work. I accompanied her on a scheduled visit home on her birthday. They knew she was coming but didn't bother to do anything to celebrate her birthday. Not even a card. Her egg donor was wittering to me about new shoes and other things she'd bought for herself, she barely gave her daughter a glance. Only the dog showed any reaction to seeing her. The girl stole a teddy bear and pretended it was a present from them.

Sometimes you have to deal with the birth families and that can be hard.

"Her egg donor"
I think you mean her mother. Regardless of her failings she is still her mother and this is important to that child

Long time foster career here. My experience overall has been positive but I have had on occasions children placed with me with only limited information given, sometimes I think social workers are under pressure to place children or possibly in an emergency they don’t know all the facts so can’t pass them on.

@Twistered

"Her egg donor"
I think you mean her mother. Regardless of her failings she is still her mother and this is important to that child.

It is very important to the child - and as someone supporting that child - that needs to be fully understood. It can be hard to rein in personal feelings in the situation. Dealing with birth families can be difficult.

Yes Pandemic I agree.
Tbh I would worry about the type of messages that child is getting if those around them are so dismissive of family.

I acknowledge it's difficult for foster carers because on the one hand they're being asked to care for the child yet it is the birth family and Social Worker making decisions for the child.

@PandemicAtTheDisco that’s heartbreakingly sad.

Pandemic why are you referring to the mum as the egg donor when you know personally how important the mum is to that child?

I constantly got over involved so ultimately wasn't suited to my role. I was too emotional.

I would prefer to be matched to a child with disabilities if I could foster.

@Anguillagirl

I've reported you, Beeeeeep. Ad Hominem attacks are very close to trolling. Not impressed.

You’re going to have to grow thicker skin if you want to foster teenagers OP.

It sounds like you have got some good experience, and you’re making an effort to find out about the reality rather than wading in with rose tinted glasses, which is sensible.

I recommend contacting your Local Authority and asking to join a fostering preparation course where they will talk in detail about the needs of children who require foster placements, and you will have the opportunity to hear from, and ask questions of, experienced foster carers.

The assessment process takes several months so you will have plenty of time to work out whether it is for you.

It's not the children it's the system that has ground me down. A revolving door of incompetent, uncaring, unprofessionals has put me off doing it again. I've got sick of sending an email 5 times because they lose it, CBA to find it who knows? Of not meeting statutory requirements, of having so little handover information that I was unable to protect my DC against a known risk, of begging someone go do their weekly obligated checks. Beyond frustrating and actually dangerous.

Im a prospective adopter awaiting a match and I found nothing wrong with beeps comment, more sadness for the children - we kind of assume foster carers are the strength and first step of healing and do see the children as the traumatised children they are rather than the behaviour they present with. I think OP you need to do some more reading - you get why they do the poo smearing etc? Every child that comes to you will be traumatised and you need to be the strong one and care for them with all your heart and so much empathy until they find their adopted family or go back to their birth home, because it will matter so so much to their future. Most importantly please don't take on a child you cant care for and have them have to move to a new foster placement because that is a huge negative impact on their future.

A friend fosters and finds the children easy to care for. What she does find more difficult is dealing with social workers etc.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep Is absolutely right.
And scully29.

I an surprised by the amount of prospective foster carers who haven't even considered how they might look after a child who has been badly affected by early adverse life experiences.
The majority of children enter care because they have been significantly harmed, or are at risk of this.

Damaged children act out and sometimes exhibit extreme behaviours, including arson, sexualised behaviour, violence and accusations. And others.
Behaviour is a message. These are the children who need stable substitute family placements most of all.

Most local authorities include this in the training and preparation, which ensures that foster carers are able and prepared to cope with children's behaviours and needs, as well as supported throughout by a Fostering Social Worker.

And the term “traumatised children” is In common usage, surely and not used only by professionals nowadays?

If I can go back to the original post without offending anyone if possible

I have been a foster carer for many years and my parents and a daughter are also foster carers. Maybe around 50 children between us and out of those placement there have been two threats to stab, one minor assault leaving a small bruise, one dog put into kennels for a week to keep him safe and one poop smear.

They sound scary but were actually manageable and understandable in the moment. They were all complex young people and we were aware of the risks involved and accepted the placements voluntarily.

There are some scary stories out there but they are the minority, on the flip side there have been thousands of hugs, belly laughs and I love you's.

Its good to be aware of the negatives before you make a life changing decision but for me the positives far out weigh the bad days.

Not all foster children are hugely damaged/come with severe behavioural issues, many do not. Foster carers in the UK are able to specify what they can cope with

I have been a foster carer for 30 years (with a break in the middle while we concentrated on the four children we adopted). I wanted to comment on the above because it is often impossible to tell which children may go onto develop very serious behaviour issues, and I am not sure there is any way of telling. We have had young children placed with us who had no real issues but then come puberty developed some pretty major issues. We have faced a knife to the throat, one who stole our life savings, others who got into drugs, or who were abusive to other family members and so on. On the other hand we have had children placed with very serious behaviours, who we were able to help become really lovely teenagers and adults. And if the last 30 years has taught me only one thing it is that none of us, even the most qualified of professionals can accurately predict what is likely to happen. Although I have been involved with young people who we were not given all the details of, which later became very relevant. I would also say though (somewhat depressingly) that ALL children in care are damaged in some way, although with the right help and guidance many can turn that into a positive in their adult life.

The only thing I would also like to add, and should say we have always worked for local authorities, that you will always, always, always be the bottom of the pile. Even when meetings are held or contact sessions arranged your own life, or own children, will not be considered. I feel this may be different if you are an agency carer as you have a SSW to "fight your case". We have very rarely felt supported or considered by a local authority SSW, and any "good ones" tend not to stay very long.

But after all that, would be do it all again? Yes.