Is fostering really that bad??

[Anguillagirl]

Husband and I have been seriously considering fostering but I have frightened myself by reading appalling stories (admittedly mostly from the US) of foster kids killing/torturing pets, smearing poo over the walls, attacking carers, and generally being terrifying.

I have a lot of life-experience including having kids plus having my (late) niece who was in care occasionally for weekends.

I would really like to hear from experienced carers. I'm aware of the trauma foster kids have been through, and that they're not like your own kids (mine will have left home by the time we would be fostering) however if they are as difficult as what I've read on reddit etc, fostering is definitely not something I could do.

Having said that - I know of a single woman who is only 22 and a foster carer and she seems to be fine with her quite 'easy' toddler....so maybe the scare stories are the exception not the rule?

I'm not a foster carer but I would like to think about it when my own children are older. In the meantime I'm an Independent Visitor to a young person in care and I'm going to do counselling in the future, maybe play therapy. Anyway I just wanted to say that I do a lot of reading about attachment and what these children have been through and one thing that stands out is the fact that you have to remember that coming from an abusive background feels safe to them because it's all they've ever known. So they come into a safe environment but they don't know that and attempt to recreate what they've been through in the past. It takes time and patience to rewire so to speak. I'm currently reading a book about using empathy in responding to their behaviour which is interesting and definitely something I'd consider if I ever consider fostering in the future. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Op WHY do you want to be a Foster carer? What drives you?

I've just read through this thread, starting out on my own research about fostering, and am appalled at some of the aggressive responses here.

The OP is not yet a foster carer, can use whichever words she wishes to express her fears that fostering might not be for her. She has undergone no training, has yet no responsibility for any foster children. She is seeking advice from foster carers at a very initial stage.

Her enquiry is completely legitimate.

In response she gets ridiculed, called: 'odd', 'off', 'unpleasant'

Beeeep you say you are a social worker which I find very hard to believe. Please provide us with your employer's details so I can pass on your messages here to your team manager. I'm sure s/he will be interested to see how you treat potential foster carers. Some of the responses here have made me think twice about fostering - particularly if you are indeed a social worker. I just hope no other social worker is like you.

However, I doubt you are a social worker. As a professional myself there is no way someone would jeopardise their career by posting such inappropriate messages on a public forum.

A last thought: Anguillagirl is very likely to be from Anguilla and therefore Afro-Caribbean. I really hope Beeeeeep your comments weren't racially motivated.

@Crowsaregreat

I imagine they start you off with less challenging ones?!

Doesnt really work like that unfortunately

I am a foster carer and have been for 10 years. The first decision you need to make is would you prefer to foster for LA or a private agency. LA tend to have children and young people with less complex needs as the children with more complex and challenging behaviour are contracted out to fostering agencies. If you go with an agency as we have you will have to do a lot of additional training. You will have to do a portfolio to pass level 5 within a year of registration. We had to anyway. As others have said the matching process is critical. Some children are damaged by their past home lives as it does take a while before they trust you. We have looked after the same child for over 9 years. He feels very much like family. He came to us when he was 5 and very cute. He had been passed about through 3 other carers before he came to.us. He had a lot of medical issues and learning disability. He his medical condition is well under control now and he has made huge progress. He can't remember before he lived with us. Considering what he had to deal with in his birth home this is a huge blessing. We have found it hugely rewarding seeing him learn to talk and learn his colours and shapes and animals etc. When he first came he was too traumatised to learn. He took about 4 months to settle. Now he is a confident 15 year old who.is a talented sportsman. He plays cricket at county.level and swims for our town. He has lots of friends and generally is no trouble at all. What I would say is that the younger the child generally the easier they are to heal. Some of the older children have horrific pasts and that scars them. They find it hard to trust and I know carers that have been threatened and others had allegations made against them. We have had a few other children for respite placements and I have found find out what they like and get them out and about to zoo or sports, dancing whatever. The more they are busy the less time for brooding and causing upset. Good luck if you go ahead. You can always refuse a placement if not a good match. As far as we are concerned the child we care for will have a home with us forever. We all love him.

I’m a foster carer.

First thing to realise is every single child entering foster care has experienced trauma. They will react to that trauma. For some this involves challenging behaviour for others it doesn’t.

You can try and take children that don’t display challenging behaviour but this isn’t always known. Especially if you take emergency placements where they may have come straight from home and not much is known.

We have birth children at home and so decided that we couldn’t take children who had suffered sexual abuse as we didn’t want our birth children exposed to hearing about this etc. As it happens our first foster child had been sexually abused but it wasn’t known prior to her coming into care and disclosing it once she felt safe.

That’s another thing to remember. Children confide in children. My DD has been told many a sad story by a scared child who doesn’t trust adults enough to talk to them but trusted my 9 year old with things children shouldn’t ever hear.

I think you have to be prepared for some challenging behaviour as you are very likely to experience it but the vast majority of children work hard to improve and are behaving the only way they know how. Boundaries, consistency and feeling safe works miracles.

We have looked after the same child for over 9 years. He feels very much like family. He came to us when he was 5 and very cute. He had been passed about through 3 other carers before he came to.us. He had a lot of medical issues and learning disability. He his medical condition is well under control now and he has made huge progress. He can't remember before he lived with us. Considering what he had to deal with in his birth home this is a huge blessing. We have found it hugely rewarding seeing him learn to talk and learn his colours and shapes and animals etc. When he first came he was too traumatised to learn. He took about 4 months to settle. Now he is a confident 15 year old who.is a talented sportsman. He plays cricket at county.level and swims for our town. He has lots of friends and generally is no trouble at all

caringcarer You are obviously an experienced foster carer who should be congratulated on the amazing difference to so many young lives. I hope we have made differences too, certainly had some children who were able to become happy and functioning members of society, after horrific starts in life. However, I would not be honest unless I said there have been some very difficult cases too - on several occasions a great teenager who we loved dearly altered once he was able to have contact with his birth family again. One, on advice from his birth father, stole over £10,000 from ourselves and other members of the family, yet I honestly would have trusted him with my life after over ten lovely years with him. Another committed horrific abusive acts towards other members of our family, that shocked social services and ourselves, and as you say had never given any trouble. Another, treated as our own child by ourselves and all the family, loved more than I can say, was on the straight and narrow until his late 20s before the abuse from his early years emerged and caused him to become very violent towards others. Like you I am experienced and have been working as a foster carer since 1991, and if I have learnt only one thing it's that anything is possible and we can only do our best. I do not mean to be negative, but keeping them busy and encouraging their interests can only do so much and in the long term....well who knows (I wish I did).

I've only read the OP and as a former foster child with many homes I'd say don't fucking do it.

Another one feeling Beeeeep has said nothing wrong. I agree with what she picked up in the OP.

I've just read through this thread, starting out on my own research about fostering, and am appalled at some of the aggressive responses here

The OP is not yet a foster carer, can use whichever words she wishes to express her fears that fostering might not be for her. She has undergone no training, has yet no responsibility for any foster children. She is seeking advice from foster carers at a very initial stage

Her enquiry is completely legitimate

In response she gets ridiculed, called: 'odd', 'off', 'unpleasant

I agree that’s how I feel reading through the thread. OP is coming at it from her perspective on encountering some of the stories she has. It seems a normal reaction. It doesn’t mean she isn’t able to see it from the child’s angle.

Hi - I’m a foster carer. We went through our assessment in 2020 during lockdown. It was a thorough process, which really enjoyed.

We are a same sex couple. My husband had a middle-class upbringing that on reflection was quite privileged. I on the other hand had a childhood fraught with trauma, poverty and a life that reads like a Charles Dickens’ novel.

Panel was great. We’ve now foster for over a year. We’ve had a lot of success helping the siblings that have come to live with us. It hasn’t been smooth sailing due to the trauma they have suffered but it has been amazing.

One of the best resources is The A tonZ or Therapeutic Parenting. It goes through childhood trauma and how this might present itself. It has practical tips for dealing with challenging behaviour.

The children who have come to us have had very little to no boundaries previously. Routines haven't been what I would consider good and therefore ours flourished under our routines and boundaries. Although there were and still are hiccups along the way.

There was only one period of three weeks in a year where I really felt at breaking point, mourning my old life and wondering if we had made the right choice. However, we were going through a particular challenging period of behaviour. We dealt with it as therapeutically as we could and thankfully had the support of theirs and our social workers.

We absolutely love fostering. We've seen such a massive difference in these kids.

One thing you do need to prepare for is the judging that comes from other parents who may question your approach. The truth of the matter is how you parent a child who has experienced trauma will be different to how other children are parented. You may seem strict when it comes to routines.

We recently had a disagreement with neighbours because we refused to take our child over to apologise to an angry mum's child straight away. We explained that we don't force apologies but instead need to talk things through first with our child to make sure they understand what was wrong. If we don't they can spiral down into shame and self-destructive behaviour. Usually, they will be able to deliver a meaningful apology the next day.

Well that wasn't enough for this neighbour and our foster kids quickly became the scapegoat for all the misbehaviour on the street (which is garbage).

That's why I suggest you read that resource/book I suggested and decide whether you can parent that way. You will also need to apply the same rules across all children in the house (they can differ based on age) so that the foster child doesn't feel like they are being treated differently.

If you decide to explore fostering further then feel free to send me a message.

Age wise I’m 41, my husband is 38. He’s become the full time foster carer and I work from home. It works well for us.

@BlackTabbyCats - I've just PMd you.

Sounds like Beeeeep has been drinking the Local Authority Woke Kool-aid for too long.

When you are not allowed to express legitimate concerns and ask questions about a life altering change that is going to impact your home and family members in a big way. Who gives Beeeeeeeep the right to forbid words such as terrifying and difficult? It certainly can be those things.

I have been a foster carer for 7 years and 5 of them were great. The last placement regularly abused my dog, made false allegations (which were believed even though she had a history of making false allegations and then she lied herself into a corner so had to admit that she was lying). I had over £2000 worth of property damaged and she would urinate and smear faeces on my toothbrush and face cloth. I became hyper vigilant and lived in fear of what she was going to do next.

I had Social Workers with Beeeeeeeeeep's horrific attitude. They were so unsupportive and didn't even as much as acknowledge how difficult it was to sustain the placement. They had this "well, suck it up, that's foster care" attitude. The irony was that they stopped therapy because the young person had 2 therapists that didn't work out and they felt that they didn't want to try another one (even though the agency was being paid higher rates than usual which included therapeutic support) and this left me to cope with this young person with zero support.

The Social Workers who have been particularly indoctrinated by a very sick system are particularly unsympathetic and only look at the young person as a valid human with rights, while the foster carer gets vilified for struggling to cope with what would impact pretty much anyone severely.

It's good and healthy to have a realistic idea of what may come your way - and the chances are also pretty good that you won't get much support.

Gosh, that sounds stressful. Do you mind me asking how old the last placement was? I can well imagine some SWs being jobsworths. After all, they're not fostering, are they? Nice 9-5 for them! After a lot of thought, we're back to getting into fostering after having been very put off by the whole false allegations thing which apparently happens to a huge amount of foster carers. However, we're thinking of fostering unaccompanied asylum seeking minors. This in itself is a can of worms with many issues surrounding it, but on the plus side, has a lack of issues that come with fostering children in this country.

I got her when she was 15 and had her for 2 years. There was intermittent vandalism in this time, when she didn't like a boundary or a "no". But when I said that I was not going to have her post 18 the abuse escalated to daily and continued for months until I could deal with it anymore.

My mother is also a foster carer and she has had really good experiences with asylum seekers - since most of them probably don't have the early years abuse and neglect that UK children experience.

I am an experienced foster carer and came from a secondary teaching background. My children were also late teens and still at home so I thought I would be given a teen with behaviour issues. That was what I was told was likely to happen. Instead I was matched with a cute 5 year old who had been very severely neglected, was in first percentile for weight and height, still in nappies and could not talk much. It took us about 18 months to get him out of nappies, be able to eat and stop when he was full without forcing down extra food then vomiting, stop hiding food, and to fully trust us. Once he had his eyes tested and needed strong glasses he stopped falling over and walking into things. He will always have learning disabilities due to vast amounts of drugs and alcohol his biological Mum took whilst pregnant but we have focused on developing the talents and skills he has. He has a very good singing voice. He is now at 15 still with us, part of our family. My children see him as a young brother. He is taking 2 GCSE in summer, 2 BTEC and 2 entry level exams. He is excellent at sport especially cricket and swimming. It is unlikely he will ever be fully independent but we are trying to teach how to cook. Then we will move on to laundry. DH and my life revolves around him, we love him and together we have come through so much. He gives us back so much, it is impossible to explain but he massively over achieves against his IQ. He loves us and we see him thrive and share in his successes. When he first came to us he could not even see well enough to pick up a ball. Now he has a bowling trial for England Disability cricket team. We are incredibally proud of him whether he passes trial or not. There will be a child out there waiting for you OP. Our foster son came as an emergency placement, the short term then long term. He tells is he is not moving out until late 20's and then we can give him a deposit like with our children. We treat them all the same.

Little tear in my eye reading your story @caringcarer
You and your foster son sound equally blessed

Op has asked questions, and is hoping experienced caters can help, about whether she will be able to offer the support a fostered child will need… because she is concerned about what she had heard. I think that’s what MN is about? I’m not a foster cater, my friend was and I was out off more from lack of support from Ss and that how much say she didn’t have in looking after the children… lots of things have to be run by parents and it’s a full time job. It’s good I was put off I think… it’s not a job for the faint hearted but for all of those that do it, you are amazing!

I’ve worked with children in care in a different but close capacity. There is nothing wrong at all with knowing your own limitations. To say you must be able to cope with any kind of behaviour is to rule out a lot of good potential foster carers who would provide loving homes for children (who yes will have emotional trauma and needs but perhaps don’t need as specialist care).

In a different situation we readily accept that some children with additional needs can thrive in mainstream with the right support and others benefit from specialist settings. This is no different and actually is about what ‘s best for the child too.

Hi all,
I've just had my initial visit via video call, and am waiting to hear back. Does anyone here have any experience with compass fostering?

I find my friends that foster young children seem to find it ok with lots of support. Other FC's with teenagers or with children with very challenging behaviours really do struggle. It also depends on the support you get and whether you have a good SSW or not. Now the CSW can be great to work with or really undermine things. I had one that nit picked everything and to gain the child's 'friendship' would suggest changes to routine/bedtime/gaming which well down well with young person but impacted on sleep and getting up etc. They come and go and some are helpful and some are difficult.

It's very much a lifestyle change and you need to have tough skin with some of the behaviours seen and judgements from others. Investigate thoroughly. LA's are calling out for more carers since a massive shortfall.

It's not easy to specify what type of child you want......... long term, short term, short breaks or emergency yes but regardless of how good the matching is the trauma of early life experiences last a lifetime and many significant behaviours emerge due to that

I knew she was a social worker. "You sound rather odd" should never be said. This is rather an inappropriate phrase! Who has the right to say that? no one! She is actually showing a genuine concern and is trying to find out information from others before making an informed decision. She is absolute right to report abusive behaviour here.