My sisters children are going to be removed

[Namechange543]

Name changed for this but hoping someone can offer some advice.

My sisters children are going to be removed, there is a court hearing on Tuesday to decide this but with the overwhelming evidence against her and the fact they’ve been on a child protection plan for so long with her making no positive steps it’s only going to go one way.

The social worker tells me once the judge has made a decision they will speak to family about placements for them. I really want to help but the problem is she has 3 children and I already have 2 of my own so I can’t take them all. I have a 4 bed house so couldn’t fit them even if I could cope with 5 children.

Will they want them to stay together or will they split them to keep them with family? And if they do split them how on earth do you decide which 1 you take?

It’s such a nightmare. My mum could take 1 and I could take 1 but then do we leave the 1 not chosen to go into foster care. How damaging would that be! I’ve cried so much this week with the guilt that I can’t help them all.

[Doodar]

here's what you get for kinship care

Age A week Four weeks
0 to 4 £129.38 £517.52
5 to 10 £142.95 £571.80
11 to 15 £164.56 £658.24
16 and over £190.61 £762.44

[nitsonlockdown]

You are all in my thoughts

[DurhamDurham]

I think when posters are stating that the op has room in her home they're missing the point a bit. It's not just about having somewhere for them to sleep. It'll change her life and that of her children, there's schooling to consider, childcare costs, transporting everyone around in a car, having the time and patience to have that many children all the time. I couldn't do it, I'd want to be involved and keep as much contact going as I could but I wouldn't cope being responsible for three of my nieces and nephews as well.
It's not just about fitting ness into the house.

[Babyroobs]

@Junenamechange

Ideally it would be good if your mum could take 2 sharing a room and you took one who would have your own for company. You could change around every month or so so they all get a share with Auntie and with Grandma. I think you get financial help with fostering as well although I have no clue how much. Good luck OP. Do tell us how it goes.

Agree with this, or you taking 2 and your mum take one. What ages are they in relation to your own kids. Would you be in a position to give up work, you would get guardianship payments I think.

[Namechange543]

The children are 5, 9 and 10. The 9 and 10 year old do not get along at all and are very violent towards each other. To the point the school they used to both go to moved 1 to a neighbouring school in order to separate them as they felt they were not safe together. So in my opinion it’s not in their best interest to keep them together.

All 3 children also have severe behavioural needs due to their situation and the abuse they have suffered. The 10 year old has engaged in inappropriate sexual behaviour, the 5 year old is very aggressive and the 9 year old has previously stabbed another child. I don’t think anyone could take all 3 of them and cope.

I have a spare bedroom and can take 1. My 2 children cannot share bedrooms as they are 15 and 16 years old (boy and girl) so it’s not appropriate for them to share with each other or a younger child. My sisters children are all boys but they are not safe to be in a bedroom together. They are going to need a high level of support after all this and honestly social care have been negligent leaving them where they are for so long as they’ve suffered so much. I expect they know how difficult they will be to house and that’s why they’ve avoided removing them.

[MonsteraCheeseplant]

God your update is worse. Sounds like they can't be housed together anyway.

[LoeliaPonsonby]

Based on the latest information, it sounds awful but I wouldn’t take them. It would completely upend your own children’s life and the violence and inappropriate sexual behaviour are not something I would introduce into my home.

[Doodar]

I don't think you can take them in with the latest info OP. They need to be with someone who can help them, what a mess.

There are some foster carers who are trained in these kind of placements, good luck.

[RandomMess]

It sounds like it would be a huge impact on your DC even if you just took in one do you have a close relationship with them/see them often?

On the surface it sounds like each of them would be better suited to being placed as only children.

Have social services spoken to you at all?

[ExhaustedBeyondBelief]

Do not let 1 go into care

One of you have 1 , the other have 2....

For christ sake, you cant keep 2 and give 1 away.

That would damage that child forever

[SockYarn]

I was going to suggest you taking one and your mum having the other two, but it doesn't sound like that will work either. Sounds as if all three have very complex needs and will require full time care. It's a lot to take on in addition to other children. If they can find experienced foster carers without young children of their own then that might be better for the kids in the long run.

Agree that it sounds awful that this has been allowed to get to this stage. Poor, poor children.

Is your sister being prosecuted for neglect/abuse? And where is the father and his side of the family in all of this? Would he or his relatives be able to take them on?

[hiptobeasquare]

@lowlandLucky You clearly have no idea about raising children from traumatic backgrounds. As the mother of one adopted child trying to work against years of neglect and abuse to reestablish positive relationships and help them become resilient adults is hard fucking work. It would not be “easy”.

[PrayingandHoping]

From your update it sounds unlikely that SS will want them fostered together....

I feel for them. Foster parents are wonderful but that doesn't lessen the fact that this is going to be incredibly tough for them.

[ExhaustedBeyondBelief]

Oh christ with your update its different.

You really should of included that in you original post

[MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee]

I’m so sorry to hear that - what a mess and that must be so hard. I would try to do everything to take them between you and your mum if you possibly can. Poor kids. Hope it works out.

[SimonJT]

I’m sorry you’re in the situation, I know what its like. I fail to see a four bed house being too small, at least one room with be big enough for one single bed and a bunkbed. But not being able to provide longterm care is a different issue to space.

What sort of ages are the children?
What have they been exposed to while in their mums care?

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Family member had older children (upper primary school) and an older baby removed by SS. Initially the older two went into emergency foster and the baby had a long stay in hospital (almost three months). The older children had suffered significant trauma, including neglect, physical abuse and psychological abuse. It was fairly clear that they would never be returned to their mum and it was also considered due to their level of need they were unlikely to be suitable for adoption (I know thats an awful phrase). So when the baby was finally discharged from hospital he was not placed with the older children as he would be able to go on to be adopted.

I took him on two months later, initially until a more longterm placement was found, foster to adopt etc. Well hes five now and still here. At the time I was living in a flatshare with a friend, so I moved into a one bed place (housing v expensive here).

I wasn’t prepared at all as I wasn’t a parent when I took him on, looking back I would say only take them on if you are able to provide longterm care. You also have to consider the possibility of your relative having more children in the future and being unable to care for them, would you take them on as well etc.

Then there is the relationship with your sister, I’m not in touch with my bio family so this wasn’t a consideration for me. But if it looks like the children will never be returned to your sister you will likely have to end your relationship with her and this could mean your parents having to also make some very hard decisions.

[Namechange543]

@Littlepoppet1 I didn’t say it was a good idea to keep 2 in the family and let 1 go into care. In fact I said that can’t happen. But there is also no way me and mum can take all 3 so I can’t see any option other than letting them all go into care as it stands.

The father is not an option. He is in prison. There is also absolutely NO WAY my sister will get the children back. In my opinion these children should have been removed at least 3 years ago.

We’re not sure if my mum will be considered suitable as she lives close to my sister and they are in contact. My sister is very violent so they may want them further away. I am not in contact with her currently and she doesn’t know where I live (over an hour away) so I’m hoping I will be suitable. The social worker says she can’t discuss any of this until the judge has made a decision.

[QuestionMarkNow]

@Namechange543, I would not take those children in. Maybe the 5yo at a push.
But they need specialist support and once they are with you, I suspect you won’t get a lot of support. Nor will they.

However heartbreaking I would ask what is the most efficient way for them to get the right support rather than asking how you can take them on.
Tbh it sounds like they should ahave been removed a long time ago

[SoloMummy]

@Namechange543

Name changed for this but hoping someone can offer some advice.

My sisters children are going to be removed, there is a court hearing on Tuesday to decide this but with the overwhelming evidence against her and the fact they’ve been on a child protection plan for so long with her making no positive steps it’s only going to go one way.

The social worker tells me once the judge has made a decision they will speak to family about placements for them. I really want to help but the problem is she has 3 children and I already have 2 of my own so I can’t take them all. I have a 4 bed house so couldn’t fit them even if I could cope with 5 children.

Will they want them to stay together or will they split them to keep them with family? And if they do split them how on earth do you decide which 1 you take?

It’s such a nightmare. My mum could take 1 and I could take 1 but then do we leave the 1 not chosen to go into foster care. How damaging would that be! I’ve cried so much this week with the guilt that I can’t help them all.

You've a 4 bed house ffs. Take them all!

[WhySoSexist]

They won't allow you to split the siblings. A lot of comments here about "picking". These are human beings - not new shoes. Consider your words.

[Babyroobs]

I would take the youngest. Let the elder two be fostered separately be experienced foster carers who will know how to handle them. The youngest is far enough removed from your children in age for them not to feel threatened. Are your own kids on board with you re-homing one ? The youngest may well thrive on some individual attention and love. I guess you wont know without trying. How old is your mum and does she have support, it sounds like any of them might be too much for her to handle on her own ??

[hiptobeasquare]

@SoloMummy It is not as easy as just taking them in. These children will need extensive work. From the OPs update they will need a career who is confident in a therapeutic parenting and who knows specific strategies to help them progress. If that is not the OP she should not taken them.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

It would completely change your life, and that of your children. Your DN’s are your family, but not your responsibility and so think carefully about any commitment you feel you can make to them.

This is important. Your own children will be affected, and your DS's children may well have a lot of emotional problems that would consume all of your time. What does your DH think?

[TeenPlusTwenties]

OK, based on your update you obviously can't keep them all.

I would let the 9 & 10 year olds go into long term foster care where they can get the support they need and stay in contact with the family.

The 5yo could come to you if you can cope with their needs, or would be young enough to be adopted.

[Babyroobs]

@WhySoSexist

They won't allow you to split the siblings. A lot of comments here about "picking". These are human beings - not new shoes. Consider your words.

Even if the two eldest can't be together as op suggests.