Is fostering for me?

[LAlexander7]

Hey,

I am 31 and my wife 30, we have a 3 bed house and 2 great dogs, sadly our son died after being born a couple of years ago. And we're looking to foster, we've actually been through training and have started our F Form.

I am still really undecided, my wife is a primary teacher but hasn't been back to work since.

I'm just concerned about money, that I will be out of pocket, and the strain on our marriage. If we need to buy another car for example, I use mine to commute.

We love children though and we have a great house, and we're fit and active and have a good understanding of attachments and behaviour, especially my wife.

I'm not sure, after some advice.

We're looking at 0-7 short term, respite, emergency fostering.

It does sound like you are less committed to fostering than your wife. If you are then that is absolutely fine, it's not for everybody and it can be very tough as well as very rewarding. Have you been able to discuss how you feel with anybody from social services or your wife?

Sorry to hear about your son.

Yeah I have, she has concerns too mostly around SS to be honest.

She thinks there is a real chance you will be thrown under the bus, if the shit hits the fan.

Why hasn’t she gone back to work? Is it because she wants to foster full time or is it that she is overwhelmed by it?

I've fostered for 10 years. I would say it's very difficult if you are completely reliant on the money as it's not dependable. You don't get much money for one child but to have two children in that age group (although doable) can be very difficult. Often the children are traumatised and have been neglected so it's not like looking after family or friends children.

Just out of interest what are you thinking when you say "when the shit hits the fan?"

She's not gone to work because she's worried about if another member of staff gets pregnant and how she would cope. For example a young TA getting pregnant in her class.

Hi LAlexander7, Really sorry to hear of your son, that's extremely hard to deal with. Your wife sounds to me like she's not fully recovered yet, it's only been a couple of years so you're already being really hard on yourselves even considering fostering.

We've been fostering for nearly 12 years now and it's one of the most emotionally intense jobs I've ever done. There are good times and bad times, like a roller coaster, good when new placements are accepted and you're looking forward to new beginnings but it can get really bad when they have to move on or you're struggling to cope. I totally agree with MerryInthechelseahotel it's not like looking after non-traumatised children.

If you're still interested in going ahead why don't you think of trying just respite first. At least then you'll know what children are coming into the household, their behaviour and how current carers already manage that. Also, it's usually only for 1-2 weeks. It's a great way to dip your toes in the water so to speak.

As for your wife's concerns about SS, there is always the possibility of allegations from placements or their families, but the best way to deal with these is to keep all your recordings up to date and to work with LASW and IRO, so everyone knows the plans and is on the same sheet.