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Fostering

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Original poster

Placement Breakdown

18 replies

kiddiwinkles · 05/08/2013 12:47

Sorry need a hug!

My current placement has been with us 7 months, 5.5 now, emotionally 2, Verbally ???? ( never heard some of the language that is used) we are the 3rd foster placement in 2 years, both others have broken down because of same reasons.

I have come to the point of no return, Both my BD and I are under constant, verbal and physical attack! It gets quite dangerous, ( she will run up behind you and push you, normally when you are cooking, cutting stuff, or at side of busy road or more recently at the side of lakes!)

There is only a certain amount of holding hands and controlling you can do! ( she will not do anything you ask of her, ie stop, Well only to do it again!)

I requested a Placement support meeting in June re this, there was loads of talk, no action from SS. Feeling failed on, LAC reviews have had this situation confirmed.

I really don't want to fail this LO or give up on her, But I feel she needs more than I can give! My SSW and the agency are great, but, SS have said that no respite can be given, even for a couple of hours!!!

I understand about trust, learnt behaviour etc, but there is a line, and I am reaching it!!

kiddiwinkles

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 05/08/2013 12:49

Does she go to school in term time?

If it was me I would say 'respite' or move her on - they're just trying to save money.

What activities does she do? Is she responsive to anyone else?

lougle · 05/08/2013 12:54

It sounds like she can't cope with your attention and concentration being on something other than her

To you, you're just chopping veg, but I suppose she sees you giving your attention to it.

I agree, you need to be firm - either they support you, or you can't go on.

middleeasternpromise · 05/08/2013 12:58

Your agency need to stand up to the local authority - they cannot mandate the day to day management of the placement. Respite it what saves difficult placements as it gives carers and their birth family much needed time to re-group and plan strategies.

Original poster

kiddiwinkles · 05/08/2013 13:01

Thank you for your replies,

I have a 7.1/2 year old BD, who is the one who gets it most of all,

LO is better on own, but the does not like having another child around.

LO is at school during term time, but the moment she sees my BD, she hits out and gets vicious.

She is completely different at school, educationally she is now up to above average in her scoring ( she was scoring age 36 months at the point she came to us)

OP posts:

Roshbegosh · 05/08/2013 20:16

Well I certainly know what you mean about the LA being a lot of talk (even that is if you are lucky IME) but no action. I don't think it sounds like respite is the answer, it might help you carry on a little longer but if you can't cope with her then respite won't change that. Does she damage your home too? At this age they need you all the time as they can't be left to do any activity unsupervised and I know it is utterly exhausting. I don't know how old your daughter is but what does she think? This LO sounds so terribly damaged and I wish I could say it will get better but it might not, and if it does you would need years of dedication and it might be too much for you and your BD. Really too much. There will be another LO that will benefit more from being with you. I might sound cold but I'm not, I just know how hard it is and you have to survive.

Roshbegosh · 05/08/2013 20:18

I have just realised you are the same poster above with the 7 year old DD who gets the worst of it. Deal breaker surely? You can't let your DD get messed up, intimidated by this LO. Sad, but you just can't.

Original poster

kiddiwinkles · 06/08/2013 12:25

Hi All
Thank you,I was beginning to think it was just me, thinking this way, I have spoken to my SSW, and she has emailed and left message for SW( last week), but no comment or contact has been received.

Is this normal? in a 'normal job' people would acknowledge problems and try to sort them out, but of course this is no 'normal job'

Our home, computer, car, and other property has been deliberately wrecked by this LO,

I asked for respite, to allow me some time with my BD, and to recharge my batteries, it is exhausting and some days 22 hours aday, this can go on for 5-6 days in a row.

SW have previously said this behaviour is 'normal

OP posts:

DwellsUndertheSink · 06/08/2013 13:20

I think you are right to say "ENOUGH!" - while I can understand you don't want to fail this child, its also at a point where you and your own family are at risk of burnout. I think your SSW needs to kick up a BIG fuss.

Id say put your own child first - constat fear of physical assault is no fun for her and will drive a wedge between you.

Roshbegosh · 06/08/2013 18:45

You sound like you and DD are under siege. Believe me I know how hard it is to give up on a child but a point comes where you have to let her go for the sanity of your family. It sounds clear from your posts that you are at or beyond that point. Sometimes sadly, they are so terribly damaged that nothing a normal family placement can offer will help them. It is normal for SW to do nothing IME but you can give notice and then they will all jump up and down trying to save the placement. This will not get better.

Panadbois · 08/08/2013 09:40

Sending you hugs. Been there, done that, would do it again under the same circumstances x

Wetwood656 · 08/08/2013 21:59

They are wrong ignoring your pleas for help. I agree, as I think you do too, they need to find someone else, preferably someone without children, who can give undivided time to this poor needy little girl. My heart breaks for her but it is clear you, for the sake of your birth child, need to initiate the move. Wishing you strength and good luck

Original poster

kiddiwinkles · 14/08/2013 22:52

Hi
Thanks for all your replies, Notice has been given, just can not bear the damage this could do to my BD.

Do LA's hold it against you, by not placing children with you?

OP posts:

Panadbois · 15/08/2013 22:20

We waited a year for our next placement, and I was so so keen to get started again, I gave up my part time job to care for a baby.

They'll be wary of another mismatch I suppose. Thankfully, in our case they admitted that they shouldn't have placed that fateful placement with us.
We all know, they want to match kids with ideal families but realistically they place them where there is an empty bed.

Don't give up. You did your best and we can do no more for these kids. Start enjoying your own DC again now x

wellcoveredsparerib · 17/08/2013 11:41

kiddi - you ask if the LA might hold it against you now that you have decided you can't continue with the placement. I think it is likely that LA will think very carefully before placing another child with you as this is the 3rd placement breakdown out of 3. talk to your fostering support worker and ask her for her honest opinion. maybe fostering is not right for you and your family at this time? maybe short term respite placements would suit you better?

Panadbois · 17/08/2013 12:37

Where does it say 3rd placement and third breakdown?

lougle · 17/08/2013 12:41

wellcoveredsparerib, this isn't the 3rd placement breakdown out of 3 for kiddiwinkles, it is the 3rd placement breakdown out of 3 for the LO that was placed with kiddiwinkles.

kiddiwinkles, hard as it is, 3 out of 3 shows that this LO is struggling to fit in with a foster family. I don't think it will be held against you, but I do think that you'll need to consider whether you take a child who has such a difficult history as your next placement.

Original poster

kiddiwinkles · 17/08/2013 14:38

Yes you are right it is the 3rd placement break down for the CHILD not US! 8 months she has been with us now, (the last one was 2.5 months)

It was the usual thing, incomplete info on the forms, including age! DOB, previous violent behaviour and time spent in care were wrong, so the surprises started from the beginning, but by the time the truth comes out and you have welcomed the child into your home it is a case of do your best I fear I have failed this child, but There is only a certain amount you can take, I am sorry to say She really was unable to 'fit in' our family, not that it was for lack of trying on our part!

We made as many adjustments as we could, but this little mite is unable to cope in simple situations, without lashing out.

OP posts:

wellcoveredsparerib · 17/08/2013 17:08

kiddi - I'm sorry I misread your op and got completely the wrong end of the stick. LA may need to look at specialist placement for the little girl. I'm sorry to hear you got so little support - you have no reason to feel guilty.

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