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Original poster

Turning down placements

12 replies

scarlet5tyger · 07/09/2012 16:03

I currently care for a 2 year old who has been with me about 18 months, and a newborn who feels like he's been here forever! I've recently been told that the mother of the 2 year old is pregnant again and due to give birth in the next couple of months!

Ive been asked to take the new sibling but refused as it would mean the newborn I currently care for being moved elsewhere - he is the first "healthy" baby I have cared for in years and I'm really enjoying the experience. Mum of the 2 year old is furious with me as she wants new baby (who will be born with NAS) to come to me a) because she knows I have experience, b) because brother is here and c) because she knows me. All valid points.

Now I feel guilty for saying no but am also really worried that they will move the brother so both siblings can be together. He's been with me so long, and is likely to be adopted fairly shortly, so i would hate him to move now.

Am I just being selfish wanting a break from difficult babies or is this a reasonable decision??

OP posts:
SecretCermonials · 07/09/2012 16:04

You arent being selfish IMO as its nit you having babies even though they keep getting taken away the mother is selfish!

NatashaBee · 07/09/2012 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lougle · 07/09/2012 16:16

I think if the aim would be to have the siblings adopted as a pair, you might want to chat it through a bit more with the SW. Your needs have to come below your foster children's needs, and in this case, I'd find it very hard to accept that I stopped a sibling group being adopted together (if that is the case).

Original poster
scarlet5tyger · 07/09/2012 16:30

Lougle, you've summarised my worries exactly. However, I know from bitter experience that very few adoptive parents will take drug exposed babies - I haven't moved one on in less than 18 months yet. If they delay the plans for the first boy until a match is found for both of them he could well be over 4 and considered unadoptable!

Ps - just wanted to make it clear that "newborn" baby is actually nearly 3 months, it's not that I'm refusing to move on a baby who's only been here days. He's settled and bonded with me and older foster child and I do have to take into account the effect a move wold have on him...

This is one of those aspects of foster care they don't tell you about at training!

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlet5tyger · 07/09/2012 16:34

Natashabee, unfortunately I've had children moved for fairly similar reasons in the past which is probably why I'm worried now. In that instance the sibling who was moved from me ended up with HUGE attachment problems and was unable to continue with the plans for adoption. He is now in long term foster care with yet another family. His sister was adopted by a family at the other side of the country with no plans for contact.

I couldn't face that happening again.

OP posts:
NinePeedles · 07/09/2012 16:54

I have been caught up in a similar situation before. In my case at the point of the sib being born, the older child was already freed and adopters were being sought. I also had a non related baby in placement.
I took the sibling too. It was hard work but fine. The older child went to adopters, then I just had the two babies ( luckily it was just the newest baby affected by drugs).
If I had kept the oldest hoping for them both to be placed together I might have had them years, possibly being added to one every year!
In that case the baby sib went to different adopters at 6 months.
However, if you feel in your heart it is the right thing for your family to say "no", then you should feel ok to do that.
After all you have a responsibility to the children already in placement. It wouldn't be fair to move the baby you already have. There is no guarantee the two siblings would be placed together.

Original poster
scarlet5tyger · 07/09/2012 17:26

Thanks NinePeedles, don't think I haven't considered taking all three! I'm a single carer though with absolutely no room for another lot of baby equipment, and no space for another cot in my room (toddler is in my only other bedroom). And even though i have 4 prams not one of them will take two little babies so that would be another one to add to the collection!

The 2 year old isn't the best walker in the world either so I've no idea how we'd ever leave the house!

OP posts:
NinePeedles · 07/09/2012 18:39

Lol! I know what you mean about the prams! Not to mention all the other stuff!

How close is your older child to being adopted? I'm sure in my LA SS wouldn't move the older child who has been in placement that long purely to place with an unborn sibling.

I think your decision is a reasonable one but I totally understand your concerns.

I sometimes wonder if birth parents sometimes get too comfortable with where their child is, but on the other hand it can't be any other way for the child's sake. It's a sad situation. You don't want vulnerable parents being too anxious about their children, but if it's too comfortable it doesn't make them stop and think about their actions and you end up parenting their children at different times over the years. ( I know that this is not the case all the time, but it definitely does happen sometimes.) It's a shame that it's the children who suffer.

Gymbob · 07/09/2012 18:43

Oh gosh, I feel for you. I have turned down placements, plenty of them, but not with your circumstances. If I were in your position I like to think that I would do what's best for me not this woman and her unborn baby, even if it will be a sibling to your fosterling. Stick to your guns if you feel strongly.

What does your link worker think to the situation? My link worker wants to keep me happy - it is in her best interests. She supports me to the hilt. I assume yours will do the same?

bonnieslilsister · 07/09/2012 19:54

I had 3 little ones once for 9 weeks and it nearly killed me!! Nothing against any of the little ones but all of them deserved a lot better. 2 of the children were about 20 months old and the other was 3. All were a bit hyper! Running round all over the place! I was so stressed trying to keep them safe! I am a single carer as well with 2 bc. We were told it would be 2 weeks and then it got longer and longer Sad

I know that is different to your situation Scarlet but I would stick to your guns. It would be very cold of ss to move a child to be with a baby sib he hasn't met before and lose the attachment he has to you.

Original poster
scarlet5tyger · 11/09/2012 22:51

Well, it's all (possibly) changed today! Littlest Baby might now be going home shortly which would solve everything.

However! The last i heard from baby's SW it was not safe for him to go home and they were requesting a placement order for adoption ASAP! I know our LA is desperately short of money, and there's all this new pressure to move children out of care as quickly as they can, so I now have a new worry that littlest baby is also facing a bad move!

I think I need a holiday!

OP posts:
bonnieslilsister · 11/09/2012 23:14

Scarlet come to us for a holiday our cot and bed will be empty soon Sad

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