Can someone on here give me some advice to help me advice my sister who's in a relationship with a chap in the forces.

[brogan2]

Hi,
Sorry for long title but wasn't sure how else to word it.

Had a long chat with my sister last night. She's been seeing a really nice guy. He's an army officer. She met him at uni a few years ago.

She'd had a few drinks and she admitted that although she thinks she loves him she's holding back. The reason being is she's just not sure how being married to an army officer would affect her career. (she's a management consultant)

He has told her that lots of army wives carry on but also (she feels) implies that he'd rather she didn't.

She's not really sure how to go about finding info so I wondered if anyone on here could help.

So, do lots of wives/partners carry on with their careers? I know she loves her job, worked hard for it and earns good money. She really doesn't want to give it up though I'm fairly sure she's in love with him otherwise I think she'd leave to avoid the situation. Thing is, he is a lovely guy and would make a great unclt to my DCs but I wouldn't want her to be unhappy.

Is it the case that she'd just have to give it up? Would she be expected to travel with him? Would she need to live on the site? If they had kids is their adequate child care facilities for working mums?

Sorry for all the questions, just want to give her as much info as possible. Thanks

One army wife I knew years ago was a fairly high powered lawyer and used to commute back and forth from Germany, they had an au paor for their children and worked out well.

Thanks, FGMID.

So it can be done but she would need to travel with him? Do many wives stay here and carry on with their jobs? Not sure she'd fancy commuting from Germany to central London!

I think you'll get varied responses on here, as like many things it boils down to what you prioritise.

Personally I gave up my career, partly because of moving around and partly because I had a child. Because of his work commitments, DH is completely unreliable with regards to childcare, and with no family nearby I couldn't continue to put in the hours I was used to.
So I've opted to take a career break and hope to eventually get back to it when DD and forthcoming DC2 are older. Financially it's not great as my job was more lucrative than his, but it is do-able.

Some people buy their own house and stay put while their husbands commute, so she wouldn't have to give up her work.

It is something that she should talk about with him and consider seriously though before getting into a marriage where she ends up resenting his job.

Ahe was definitely the exception though.

i know families where they live in a 'civilian' house. the dad goes away to work & comes back when on leave or if stationed nearby. otherwise, the mum is a single mum for long periods of time. that obviously has a big downside. the up side is that mum & kids have a stable & settled life, mum can organise things however they fit around her work, and dad is the one who has to do the moving around.

prob depends exactly what his job is & how much he moves as to whether this works for them.

Thank you Kickass and Rocinante.

Rocinante, that's interesting as she also earns more than him and doesn't understand why she would give it up.

Kickass, not sure exactly what he does. I know they met at uni where he did maths and some type of engineering. He then went to Sandhurst and now he's some sort of officer. Sorry should have got more specific details from her but only thought to post this evening.

I think she's worried about when/if they have kids whether she'll feel compelled to give up if daddy's away all the time. I did say she may want to do that anyway when she has kids whether her DH is forces or not but she doesn't see that yet and is still amazed that I gave up for a while. But then I teach so far easier to pick up again whereas not so with her career.

So she wouldn't have to live on site, is that correct?
Are there many families where they live out and the forces parner just commutes?
Also, Is child care easy to come by on site?

Thank you, this is all helpful. I think it's only occuring to her now as she's realised how she feels (he's been away in afghanistan) Lots of women must be in her position at the start I imagine.

Hi Brogan2 - I moved with DH (officer) but gave up work to have DCs. It's so old fashioned to think army wives can't work and travel with their husbands but I guess many give up their normal job and others keep at it.
I know quite a few women with careers who live in their own civvie house and the DH weekend commutes and for some careers, moving isn't that bad (espeically for part time work. Careers such as nursing/teaching/child minding etc - doesn't matter where you live really. Obviously it could also depend on what badge he is (eg, REME, Infantry etc). Some stay more in one place than others.
No, of course she doesn't have to live in married quarters. We have mvoed into our own house last year (although I hate not being on a patch) and my DH works 3 hrs away in the week, comes back friday afternoon and leaves early monday morning.

I'm a RAF wife, with a 2 year old. I worked in publishing right up until I had her, and am now freelancing in evenings/nap time, and am at uni two days a week training to be a lawyer.

There was never any question of me not having a career. We live on camp, but have considered settling near family when I qualify so things are more stable for DD and DH can commute.

Also, and it isn't for everyone, Forces usually give very generous fees assistance if boarding school is the way you decide to go with regards to stability.

It's shit being left alone while they are deployed, there's no way of dressing it up, but you manage. We've always found it's kept our relationship alive. It might have been like this anyway, but ten years in and I am still grateful for time with him, and look forward to him coming in at 5 o clock.

I wouldn't count on the boarding fees bit though - DH says they're getting rid of school fee allowance for triforces soon.

Ffreckleface coming home at 5 O clock? I'm very jealous .

I am an Army wife - married in 1995 and I have worked full time since then! Some accompanying dh and living on a patch and some in our own house. It can be done. The nature of your career helps as certain professions are more portable than others and a lot need to be based in London or another capital city.

Germany postings will be becoming fewer and far between with operational in Afghan more frequent.

You do get choices of where you get posted (except when with your own regiment) - although there is no guarantee you will get what you want!

The more senior he becomes the better jobs tend to be in the South East anyway so they could base themselves in a geographical location that is central.

It is becoming more and more common for forces families to have their own houses and the dh commutes daily or at weekends.

Hi Ladies,
Thank you all. Sounds like she would not be in the minority if she carried on working especially before they had kids.

She'll be glad she doesn't need to live on site too although from some of your posts that sounds quite fun!

I think the problem is that her job is very much London based and requires her to travel a lot especially to the States and I'm not sure she'd want to give all that up. Trouble is if they had kids it wouldn't be practical to have both of them away.

I think she really needs to talk to him and be clear what his expectations are and whether that fits in with how she sees her life.

Thanks again. I'll pass on all the info.

No problem! God, I hate life on the patch - too much curtain twitching, bitching and ghastly 'pot luck suppers'.

I work in London and have a 2 year old dd. It is doable - although with overseas travel your sister would need a live in nanny/good family support - and be near LHR/LGW.

I know wives who are solicitors, doctors, teachers et al. This is 2010!

It'll make a difference too whether he's in it for the long haul or just a few years - my DH left after his 1 yr Sandhurst + 3 yr short term contract, in part as he always wanted a family but didn't want to drag them about the country. Might be something for your sis to kind of ask / bear in mind too.

'I wouldn't count on the boarding fees bit though - DH says they're getting rid of school fee allowance for triforces soon.'

I don't think so Lucie - no buzzes heard elsewhere.

Brogan - I've been married to an RN Officer for 24 years, and have normally lived in our own place and he has weekended. When he got his second appointment abroad, ds and I moved to be with him and I gave up teaching as 2 years of 6 weeking was do-able; but another 4 years wasn't tenable. I worked until ds was 10, and have had the last 4 years as a sahm, and enjoyed having time for ds and pushing him through secondary school.

The last time I lived on a patch was when I was 8 I think. I'm now 44, so have avoided it, and even now we are in a hiring as no patches where we are.

Scary - it's something they're looking at for ways to cut money (along with loads of other things too) - I didn't say it was a definite; just that I wouldn't use that as a marker for marrying someone in the army and that it is being rumoured/discussed high up quite a lot.

They look at it every time there is a defence review Lucie, and each time it is retained, as it is a minute portion of the defence budget, and needs to be there for the mobility of the Armed Services. It can also be counted as part of the conditions of service imo, and also part of the covenant with HM Forces. I cannot see any party getting rid of it if they wish to retain their highly trained personnel in whom they have invested much money and effort.

It would presumably save far more to get the Army out of Germany and close the schools there.

I think she would need to have a huge and serious chat with him prior to settling down/considering kids.

One of my best friends is an army wife. She has only (since kids) been able to do very 'non-career' jobs that fit into school hours. Party plan, that kind of thing.

Because someone needs to be able to be around for the children. My friend I know has found it more important than for a civilian family, because her DH is away for long periods and the children hate it and it de-stabilises the family. She needs to be the constant, the one who is there for school 'do's', for picking up and dropping off, etc etc etc. I don't know about most kids, but I know her kids simply would not cope well if they had to use after school clubs/childminders and their mum wasn't around so much.

I know sometimes it's desperately hard on her and she's lonely and fed up. And struggles with how much the kids miss their dad.

But there again, they do have a VERY nice house

but personally, I think your sister needs to get things very very clear with her man, because if she does settle and have kids with him it will probably be her who has to change her life most.

Our last Colonel's wife has never lived on patch and when her DH was sent to germany he came home every weekend.

The assisted places for boarding is being stopped.

X RAF wife. You don't have to do anything. If your husband/partner gets posted they can turn it down. Mine turned down Germany for our relationship. It doesn't sound like he is the sort to turn it down though and would expect him wife/partner to fall in line. Sounds like they need to talk about how they feel about it. Test the ground and decide what your willing to give up to make it work. She is right to question how she feels about the complictions early on.

not sure the army can turn down jobs super.

we get a choices list of which can write our preferences and also 'nots', eg: 'not Northern Ireland/not Germany' but at the end of the day, the army sends them where it wants. Although they try to give people the postings they want, it often doesn't work that way. We had a posting order to Bicester and a few weeks later were on our way to Germany, even though we had written NOT Germany on the list!

Actually they are getting the army out of Germany in many locations,and they are cutting back on school assistance, but this is a more positive move.

This is relevant to the Army really- the development of Super Garrisons is happening now. The idea being that you are stationed in one place as long as possible, for as long as OH career allows it, rather than moving every two years.

Or like us, we had 4 moves in two years. That's 4 nurseries, houses, dentists, doctors etc etc

If you stay in the same place the idea will be to provide schooling and negate the need for boarding schools.

We have an academy being developed here on Salisbury Plain where the army are working with the local gov. It does have a state boarding option being built. The MOD are pouring money in to this, and it's expected to do really well.

Only trouble is - and with no disrespect, if it does get a good rep all the civvies will fill it up and leave no places for the army kids who have no choice but to live here.

Same goes for the dentist, doctor, nurseries and leisure centre built here for army families.

And to get back to the thread - I kept my career up as long as poss, even with hellish commutes, but if you have kids ensure you have many forms of help as you husband can give you diddly squat support at certain times of his life. It really depends on your career, but mine was too London based for me to enjoy a choice of roles.

If you can work and live on the patch you can have a great life. I think as an Officer's wife (and depending on the regiment) you're costs of living are a little higher, as your Quarters cost a lot more than other ranks (although they are MUCH nicer - am still jealous of friends 3 story 7 bed MANSION - however theirs costs £800 a month and mine costs £120),his mess bills may cost a fortune, and for a lot of CO's they are stuck at that pivotal spot on the 40% tax band!

So it might be nice to work and be comfortable. Cheap housing has afforded us 3 holidays a year in the Seychelles, Caribbean etc paid for with my salary. We rent out our own house and life has been pretty recession proof around here I have to say.

I wish her luck !

and Lucie, your husband can turn down a posting if he wants to write off his career.

Whatthe - have just spoken to CEAS, and they were discussing CEA with me without any mention of it being withdrawn, as I am looking at moving ds back to the UK.

Yes but you aren't Army are you?