Can someone on here give me some advice to help me advice my sister who's in a relationship with a chap in the forces.

[brogan2]

Hi,
Sorry for long title but wasn't sure how else to word it.

Had a long chat with my sister last night. She's been seeing a really nice guy. He's an army officer. She met him at uni a few years ago.

She'd had a few drinks and she admitted that although she thinks she loves him she's holding back. The reason being is she's just not sure how being married to an army officer would affect her career. (she's a management consultant)

He has told her that lots of army wives carry on but also (she feels) implies that he'd rather she didn't.

She's not really sure how to go about finding info so I wondered if anyone on here could help.

So, do lots of wives/partners carry on with their careers? I know she loves her job, worked hard for it and earns good money. She really doesn't want to give it up though I'm fairly sure she's in love with him otherwise I think she'd leave to avoid the situation. Thing is, he is a lovely guy and would make a great unclt to my DCs but I wouldn't want her to be unhappy.

Is it the case that she'd just have to give it up? Would she be expected to travel with him? Would she need to live on the site? If they had kids is their adequate child care facilities for working mums?

Sorry for all the questions, just want to give her as much info as possible. Thanks

Which he doesn't wahtthe .
Oooh - I'm excited - the whole supergarrison thing - sounds fab to me. Can't believe DH didn't tell me about the provison of the school though - that sounds like a great idea.

The new school on Salisbury plain has only got boarding provision for around 100 pupils IIRC - that's hardly going to make a dent in the CEA bill.

As for super garrisons, they will really only benefit the infantry and those corps that are large enough to maintain regiments. Where people are trickle posted (like my husband) super garrisons will have little to no impact.

I was just dreaming about living back on a patch jcscot .
Me and DH are wondering whether we should have bought a house in the salisbury area.
Still a more forward way of thinking; the army providing schooling in the UK again. My DD definitely misses being with other army children and with children who are in the same circumstances as her, with daddy away etc.
Sorry - diverged from thread.

I've not been able to. We've moved 3 times in 3 years and with DS and no family near by it has been impossible for me. I cannot reply on DH to EVER pick up DS from a nursery or CM, they suddendly have to work late or go away with very very little notice.

We are about to move again so it all begins again Unless you can afford a nanny I think it's very very hard. Most people I know have given up their careers as they have just not been able to juggle finding a job, sorting out the children etc all by themselves. My friend has 3 under 3 and her husband is away this week, was away for 3 weeks in Feb... there is no way that she could cope with a job and the 3 of them with no family and her DH away so much.

I've dropped any hope of progressing in my career at the moment to marry DH. Admittedly he is French, not British, so the culture might be different and Navy, not Army. We're also overseas right now which doesn't help. There will be one posting in his career where working is going to be either impossible or very, very difficult! Unfortunately for me this is right now when we have no children and I could be working lots. That's life sometimes. DHs colleague's wife spent their (2 consecutive) impossible to work postings having children which worked quite well for her career.

I can, and do, still work (just not what I want to do!) which is fine for our generation, but we don't have kids yet and my friend married into an older generation (12 year gap) is regarded as very odd for working. I think there's also a definite (old school) idea of which jobs are suitable for an officers wife and which aren't. They also tend to be ones which are easily transferrable like teaching or nursing. Again, this may be the French being peculiar but my presence is very much expected at certain things and if I was on a business trip eyebrows would be raised. I find it very traditional in some ways.

I can see how good support would be essential childcare-wise, especially if she needs to travel. When I was a nanny my bosses travelled a lot and had to maintain a FT nanny for their 7/8 year old. That's a big cost.

lucie - I never thanked you properly for the uniform wedding advice! So thank you now!!!

Thanks again everyone. Sounds like her continuing to work is doable but difficult.

TBH, I think part of her reasoning is that she earns so much more than him so it seems mad to give it what could offer them an excellent combined income.

Frakkinnuts, that's interesting about officers wives being expected at certain functions. Is this the case in the UK too?

Thanks again!

If she married him and he was the CO yes, she would be expected to attend certain things like dinners, cocktail parties etc.

Nothing would be said if she did miss one or two though - not in public anyway as you shouldn't criticise the Boss's wife!

It's getting a lot more popular for CO's to live unaccompanied though. We know of quite a few who did. Think their little wifeys still went to the 'dinners/cocktail parties' though .

turn down a posting?
get a job in the s/e?

tried both, neither worked out lol. have spent more than fifty percent of (his) career o'seas, mostly from non-commutable distance.

there's tons and tons of (us) research on military spouses/ working - most of which is extremely depressing. slowly things are changing - yes there are individual cases where wives commute to uk/ COs wives who are not living in the allocated quarter etc etc, but they are still quite rare. uk postings are different - although we've only had one in the s/e bar staff college lol, there are obviously a lot more wives that work in that situation.

buy her 'gumboots and pearls' and stand well back.

At our last posting the OC's wife had never ever worked in their marriage but decided she couldn't face hosting a Xmas party at their house. No joke it was talked about from November when everyone found out til at least March... and not in a good way! People said it reflected very poorly on them both.

There is still a lot of expectation for these things, missing the odd thing is ok but when you are OC's wife you really do need to be available to host when expected as sadly it does reflect badly on your DH

My DH is a Navy Officer. I'm not a 'typical' Officer's wife (whatever one of those looks like!). However, on our street, I think I'm the only non-working spouse, but that's because DH is a submariner, and my DCs are only 3 & 6 and need me a lot.

In this job DH is completely unreliable. He is home when he's home, not when I want him home, and often has to go in evenings, weekends and keep 24 hour duties.

But it's not all bad, and I love my life.... although who knows what the alternative might have been like. If I'd have pushed things and kept up my old career, I could probably have afforded a nanny, but I didn't, and I don't regret it. I feel really sad if I'm working (have had various p/t jobs) on a sunny day when DH is off work, and much prefer being available to enjoy any family time we get.

I have managed to do both. The attendance at functions, dinner/cocktail parties at home and work full time.

Sometimes it feels hard but when you get genuine thank you letters it feels worth while! Even if you are changing out of your suit and picking food at of your hair as you try and lay a table for 12!

Oh yes, gum boots and pearls is great

Blimey katty - can't believe there was a hoo-har because of that OC's wife. Did you mean OC or CO?
I think it's sad that the army still has the tradition of pucishing the husband because of the wife not being 'wifey' enough. As OCs wife at our last posting, if I felt like going to something or hosting something I would, and if I didn't, I refused. DH sometimes got annoyed but I'm not in the army (i used to quote this to his CO too!) I also refused to call him Sir or colonel and instead, called him by his first name.
I'm sure gum boots and pearls is a good book to read before becoming a forces wife .

Our incoming CO doesn't have a wife... Because of this he'll never progress any higher apparently. Wifeliness (or the lack of one) is still a weirdly big thing. How many other jobs does your wife an her behaviour matter for?

Frakkinnuts - which cap badge is that for?
Doesn't seem a very modern army when we here about things like this.

It is perfectly doable - however - it gets infinitely harder when kids come into the equation. I was a management consultant when I had dd (I am ex RAF officer - DH still a serving one.) I left it and moved into a job (still reasonably well paid - but not as much as consultancy) in the public sector that was more family friendly and did not expect me to be away 2/3 nights a week travelling to see clients. DH is a great hands on Dad (pick ups/drop offs etc) when he is here - but he is away a lot and having two parents away a lot/irregular is not feasible IMHo (unless you wish to have nanies working in shifts etc).

I have 2 good friends who have combined a medical career with a serving officer husband and kids. They are both now coming up to consultancy status and think the juggling involved has delayed - but not derailed - their careers. Having said that, their DHs have also not been as career minded in the forces as they could have been in an attempt to allow their wives some stability to pursue their careers - your sister will need to broach that possibility with her prospective DH.

The French I meant. They're not very modern - you get stars as long as you're Catholic (secular state supposedly), have a nice wifey who throws good parties, 3+ children and come from a good family. It's heinously inbred very traditional here in some ways. Therefore next CO doesn't have a hope and has been rattling round on the same level for the last 10 years, 3 to go til they can boot him out.

when i've been working f/t, we've had to write into the nanny contract specific guidelines wrt overnight stays. they weren't necessary very often, but with dh and i both travelling for work, a nanny with an overnight clause was really the only option.

but career? no, i don't have one. i occasionally take up six month f/t contracts, and we hire a nanny for that period. i can only do it in the uk though, and we've spent a lot of time o'seas.

i should add, i thought all this stuff was utter bolleaux (i am an exRAF officer as well), but when we moved into our first quarter in germany (i was pg, he got deployed two weeks afterwards) i was briefed by the adjutant as to what my responsibilities would be as a sub-unit commander's wife, during the op tour and posting.

i also remember making an ill-advised joke about flower arranging.

there was a really interesting research project about thirty years ago done by a couple of women who were staggered that military spouses were not more engaged by the feminist movement. i am aching to revive it. anyone fancy being interviewed?

it'd have to be via e-mail though lol, as we're a 9 hour flight away

i've got three kids, make dh cook for dinner parties, and am not a catholic.... i fear i'm not a terribly good wifey, despite hauling my ass around the world and having no career...

It's different for the RN - I did the dinner parties etc when dh was junior, but as he is a submariner, it was actually fun. I got to the point though that I decided I would have over who I wanted to have in my house, so I don't do duty entertaining, and haven't for years. Once I was teaching I only had the energy to feed us, let alone any other bugger.

As the RN do so much weekending, it hasn't affected him career wise; although it may for his next (and last) appointment. However, as it is his last appointment I don't care!

I didn't know there were still areas of the british army that felt that way!

I work full time with an hour and a quarter commute in this posting, have one child and another imminent.

Last posting, my DH was OC, I elected not to move with him, stayed in my own house with our son, and weekly commuted. Nobody expected me to host anything unless I wanted to, or even to attend anything. If DH asked me, and I could fit it round my job, I would always do my best, but only because he has asked, not through any sense of obligation. He is judged on his merits and performance at work, not on my attributes as a wife.

No-one, least of all my husband has ever expected me to call any senior officer Sir, or by their rank, despite me being ex-Officer myself.

It's all 'perfectly' possible, if both sides of the relationship are supportive and understanding of each other.

and if you get appropriate postings. there are of course many places in the world that are much more difficult to retain meaningful full time employment, let alone a career.

the decision would be whether your husband carries out the tour unaccompanied/ whether you prioritise a dual career over co-location. voluntary separation doesn't suit everyone.

it can be very hard.

interestingly, it seems to be at capt/ maj rank where the 'old school' expectations are more prominent - most COs don't care either way as long as it's not affecting getting the job done. and i don't think it's overt, necessarily. very few people these days say 'x should be doing y' (although there are sre some). it's more subtle. that said, i think if you choose to live outside of the patch/ maintain a f/t career at some commute, then i think the pressures that are felt 'on' the patch might very well pass you by. and that's not a bad thing

i do think that there is still a requirement for the unpaid voluntary work/ community cohesion/ welfare side though - in the absence of any formal/ paid provision of the same...

'i do think that there is still a requirement for the unpaid voluntary work/ community cohesion/ welfare side though - in the absence of any formal/ paid provision of the same..'

That's what great about the RN; we don't do any of that - if you like the other wives you see them, if you don't, you don't. My friends in UK are people I've met through work and the only service friends are ds's godmas and they are friendships of almost 25 years now (predating ds by along way).