Anyone Living in their own house whilst partner works away at current posting?

[luciemule]

Hello - just wondering really if there are any other wives who have chosen to live in their own home whilst their DH moves around postings and comes back at weekends?
We recently chose to move back to our won home having lived in MQs all our 9 yr married life. We have two young children and my DH especially, thought that moving me and the children back to our family home town would be a good option mainly for the children. He works at his current posting about 3 hours away and usually gets home late Friday afternoon/evening.
I have my mum, sister and sister in law as well as some friends I knew from growing up here but I'm just not happy. I thought it would be great and just what we thought it should be like but I think the kids are suffering from DH being away. They pine for him constantly. DS (5) asks every day "is Daddy coming home today" and tbh, I reckon a 6 month deployment was easier for us to deal with than this. He leaves at about 6am on Monday mornings and calls each evening but the kids continue to miss him and it's now 9 months into this move. I'm longing to be back near other army wives and surprisingly I'm really missing being a part of the army family. Has anyone else tried this way of living and how long did it last?
Sending the children to public school isn't an option we want to pursue so it would mean them mvoing around with us every couple of years or living apart. It's pulling me and DH apart too it seems - always quarrellling at weekends; he wants to chill and we all want to do stuff as a family.

yes, we have two ds's. my OH is posted on the mainland and we are in NI. he is getting home once a month.

however, we have never been in married quarters so this is the 'norm' for us IYSWIM.

i dont like it, i would love to have him here through the week as normal but it would mean uprooting the boys and moving to England. all our families are here and ds1 is settled in school so it isnt really an option.

So you're very settled then. I guess as you haven't lived in MQs before, you don't miss that way of life. Long commute though back to NI for your OH and once a month is a long time. How do the children cope?

the youngest is only 8 months and really doesnt know what's going on but ds1 is 4.5 and gets quite teary especially the first few days after OH leaves. he misses him alot.

i understand what you mean about him wanting to chill at the weekend but the children wanting to do family things. i get quite annoyed sometimes that OH would rather stay in and watch football when he hasnt seen us for a month.

I did it for 3 years. I have to say we have come to the descision that we will never do it again, it really tore us apart.
We were living different lives and Dh got far to used to everything being done for him whilst away.
I sat him down last year and told him straight how I felt. He was shocked, and so was I really, at how blunt I was about it.
There is no use beating about the bush ,if its not working only you can change it.
Things improved very quickly from then and i hope it would work for you too.
Be strong and very clear about what you want.
A cliche but, A happy wife= a happy home, was true with us.
my best wishes to you.

also, he could probably get home more often than once a month but the flights can be very expensive so we forego an extra visit.

Thanks Booeyhoo and Flossie. Flossie - were your children young then too and now that you're back moving with DH, are your children moving schools too and if yes, how do they cope?
The other thing is that I retrained on moving and the business hasn't taken off so I'm currently sat at home doing not a lot. There aren't many jobs that are have school hours only and so I think that if I/children are this unhappy now, what will it be like in another year or so.

Gosh Booy - to be restrained by the expensive flights must be really hard. I thought flights to NI were cheap. Or is that only from certain airports?

agree with flossie, if its not working you have to change it. it works for us but not for others. i very much enjoy my own space and i often get frustrated when OH is home and is wanting my company when i just want a bath. silly i know but its how i am.

it depends, from heathrow can be quite cheap if we book early enough but OH doesnt always know until the friday whether he can actually come home. then he isnt always close to heathrow so he goes to the nearest airport. sometimes it can be £300 for a return over the weekend.

I'm the same in the evenings - I like to do my own thing. It's the children who I'm really worried about but DH is adament that it's better for them to be in one school and keep good friends than it is to be moved every couple of years but have him home every night. I'm the other way around but I only know of one guy who was moved around with his navy parents every 2 years and doesn't feel negative about the experience.

Blimey £300! - does he get a number of compassionate flights or not because you're choosing to live apart?

well i know a s a child (not a forces child) i found settling into new places, groups, clubs etc quite difficult and would often beg my mum to let me leave before long as i never felt part of the group so i dont think i would want the ds's to feel the same and blame us for it. it is hard to know what the right thing to do is, but ds1 knows daddy loves him and has to go away for work and not because he doesnt want to be here with us. we try to make the most of the times he is home and i have to say ds1 and OH are a force to be reckoned with when together. they are very close and as i mentioned, we only have the tears for a few days after he leaves and then it fine.

Lucie- I was supposed to move with my Dh but events overtook us and I had to stay here.
we moved here (together) ehen my dd was 15mts and my Ds was 12yrs old. then Sh was posted 180 miles way ,to far to commute daily so did weekly.
Applied for an MQ ,but 3 later were not able to move. I said I would stay put, but then he got posted again same location,and we couldn't get MQ ( a refurb programme had started).I said I would stay put again ,big mistake, it drove me round the bend.
Fast foward to now, he managed to get a posting local to here again. We are all together in our family home again. good job really as I have just injured my back and have no clue how I would have coped with him away.
My DD is now 7 ,so we will move together on next post. my Ds is away from home now so it doesn't affect him.
I have to laugh though ,DH thinks the job he has now is rubbish, so is happy to be home , just miserable at work
Sorry that was so looooooooong

he gets a percentage of his flight costs back up to 26 flights a year. a return counts as 2 flights so that works out at 13 visits a year. he does build up his leave so that he can take longer visits at xmas and for summer hols.

have to say, i would love for OH to be home this week as we all have a really bad cold and i've had to move us all in with my mum cause i'm hardly fit to sneeze. would be nice to be sick in my own home. ah well.

I read an article recently that said that forces children were more socially adaptable to meeting new friends, joining new groups etc because they have to do it. DH is hoping to pick up his next rank in the summer (we have absolutely no idea if he will or won't) and if he does and gets a stable job over the next couple of years, it could be that we're posted back to where we just moved from or we could ask for Germany (we lived there before and loved it). I have suggested that we move for those couple of years with him and then come back here but he's not sure. He knows that if he was posted to Germany, we'd have to go with him so my point to him is that if he's willing for us all to go there with him, then it's still uprooting the children and therefore why can't we move within the UK too?

Booyhoo - I was really looking forward to coming back here, thinking I needed my mum and sister for extra family support but now we're here, I realise that I'm really independent and don't need the support in the way I thought. I guess I'm the sort of person who thinks the grass is always greener but then realises that the grass was already green when it's too late!

We lived in our own home on south coast for about 10 years. I loved it. then 2 years ago when DSs were 3 and 1, we moved to a MQ in London. Hate the house, but have loved having DH around. Well until he went to the Middle East. We are now selling our house with the intention of buying another one in London.

We can't stay in MQ for ever...if DH is sent to Scotland next, I won't be going. He will commute. However, the majority of his jobs will be in London, so it makes sense for us.

OP - if there is no chance of your DH ever living at home, I would move. It would be seriously depressing (for me) thinking that we would never live together.

I also recognise one of the other posters comments - he is in a hotel at the moment. Working hard, I am sure. However, I work hard too, full time, look after 2 boys in the evening, organise the house, try and find a new house, do the tesco order....etc etc...and he asks me why I go to bed late!!! And don't get me started on Xmas.

Mumof2222.....there's absolutely no chance of him living here with us if he stays in the army. There are no postings (except London which he could daily commute 40 mins on train) near here. We were going to buy near Bath/chippenham so more do-able long term but thought why would move there if we have no family/links there so moved here instead.

Hi Lucie we have done just that. We moved just before Xmas, back to my home near Chippenham and so far it's great. Ok, so DH going off to work isn't so great but TBH he was doing this from the MQ anyway as his job takes him all over the UK.

DD is taking time to settle into her new school. She will be fine in time but I have to say I am so glad I do not have to put her through this again. DS has gone straight into school and is having a ball. It's great being near family and friends and just knowing that I am not about to start packing and moving on. It's not for everyone though.

Hi McDreamy - I always thought I was a one- town-only-girl but having moved house 7 times in the last 9 years, I always get really itchy feet after about 9-12 months and worry now that I'll always feel like this.

Bath Chippenham would be so much better...my BIL and SIL live there (he is Navy) and they love it. He is an engineer, and they are never going to move again...he can do Bath, Corsham, Abbeywood. and as he's mid 40s, he will easily see out his time.

I would sit him down for a serious re-think. The support of forces friends is so important, and if you are all alone, all week, life is not easy. You know this and you need to tell him that again!!

Hmmm - lots to think about - my mum is stressing me out too,saying how much she'll miss me if we move away again. I tell her it's our adventure to live and we'd still visit etc. I tend to feel guilty about everything at the moment!

I am an 'Army Brat' born and bred Army, from birth - 18yrs old

Its a slightly difference point of view and one that i know you didn't ask for, but i thought i would let you know it from the kids point of view...

'Forces children are more socially adaptable to meeting new friends, joining new groups etc because they have to do it' This is SO true. We moved every two years and this meant, house country and schools. The regiment my Father was in, meant we moved on our own, but the vast majority of regiments moved together, thus enabling kids to move with the same kids IYKWIM.
However, it was fun, it was exciting, it was an adventure, i got to have a new house, new bedroom, garden, shops, parks, neighbors (not always the best but overall good!) There was a sense of 'newness' when i started schools, but this was what i was used to , i loved 'choosing' my new friends, sussing out who was who and who i was going to sit next to. I never once found it hard to strike up a conversation or make friends, and the great thing about forces schooling, is that EVERYONE is in the same boat, so there was never a 'them and us' situation.
I wont go on and on, i am sure you dont want a year by year detailed account of my life...but until you have lived it and experienced all it has to offer, you (civilians) don't understand. I think what i am trying to say is, don't worry about taking your kids with you, if that's what you decided to do, try not to worry about other people who knock the idea, it is your life and you need to live it the way you see fit. I would say though, make a decision and stick with it, there would be more confusion swapping their lives round if you chose forces life then went back to civvy etc etc etc.

Hope that gave/gives another perspective?

jaysfourth, did you not have trouble forming lasting friendships?