Anyone Living in their own house whilst partner works away at current posting?

[luciemule]

Hello - just wondering really if there are any other wives who have chosen to live in their own home whilst their DH moves around postings and comes back at weekends?
We recently chose to move back to our won home having lived in MQs all our 9 yr married life. We have two young children and my DH especially, thought that moving me and the children back to our family home town would be a good option mainly for the children. He works at his current posting about 3 hours away and usually gets home late Friday afternoon/evening.
I have my mum, sister and sister in law as well as some friends I knew from growing up here but I'm just not happy. I thought it would be great and just what we thought it should be like but I think the kids are suffering from DH being away. They pine for him constantly. DS (5) asks every day "is Daddy coming home today" and tbh, I reckon a 6 month deployment was easier for us to deal with than this. He leaves at about 6am on Monday mornings and calls each evening but the kids continue to miss him and it's now 9 months into this move. I'm longing to be back near other army wives and surprisingly I'm really missing being a part of the army family. Has anyone else tried this way of living and how long did it last?
Sending the children to public school isn't an option we want to pursue so it would mean them mvoing around with us every couple of years or living apart. It's pulling me and DH apart too it seems - always quarrellling at weekends; he wants to chill and we all want to do stuff as a family.

"it is a different story if the partner/wife wants to continue or build a career, i wonder if marrying into the forces is such a good idea if that is indeed the case?

i am guessing, that its all down to the different forces issue again "

It has nothing to do with the different Forces, not really. Of course there are differences in types and frequencies of postings and within each Service it differs according to Branch/Arm/Corps/Regt.

Should we really be thinking that to have a successful marriage to someone in the Forces we must step back to some Victorian ideal of the wife in the heart of the home with the husband earning the bread? Seriously?

Drusilla - a couple of years ago we bought in an area I had never lived in before, didn't have any friends and nearest family is 150 miles away.

At the moment DH is posted locally but we have no idea where he'll go next; we bought this house knowing that he could be posted to the other end of the country this time next year, but we're going to give the commuting a go.

I love living in our own house and really enjoy the village life. I've made friends here who are supportive when DH is away on exercise or deployed and I want DD to go the local primary and have some stability. (Although not a Forces child, I lived in various countries when I was little and never knew what to answer when someone asked me where "home" was).

If the commuting doesn't work out then we'll reconsider but at the moments the benefits seem to outweigh the negatives.

This is a really intresting thread! dh is about to join RAF and we have discussed (at great length) how we handle moving ds around, schooling, family etc and its good to see both sides.

Sorry in advance for the essay!!

Jcscot, there?s no generational thing going on, I understand and am fully aware of the opportunities presented to Women nowadays and how different it is to ?days gone by?. I was merely giving my opinion from a firsthand point of view and while I was a child to begin with, I grew into a young adult. My Father left when I was 18 and I was fully aware of what lives were like for wives of, indeed many of my friends married into the forces, my brother is in the Forces as are many of my cousins.
Often marriages are made of those adults who had Forces upbringings. The ones I know of have no issues with wanting to travel with their husbands, or indeed wives. I do feel that issues can arise where one of the couple are not aware of how life will be ? quite rightly as how would they know, and its these partnerships that need to go through what they want out of their life/marriage etc. in order to get the best out of their situation.

Your point referring to how life has changed and women?s attitudes have changed I agree with but if their attitudes really have changed so much then surely they just wouldn?t want to get married into the Forces, because getting married into the Forces is just that. You are not Mrs X you are ?Wife of? you have certain ways in which you have to do things, if you (or indeed your children) get into any strife then its (more often) your partner who gets hauled in front of his CO and asked to explain himself.

Being in the Forces, whether marrying into or being bought up in, is a unique way of life, its fraught, it?s hard going, it can be lonely, but it can also offer a close knit community. Bearing this in mind I too can understand why some women wouldn?t want to move around, and I admire them for their decision, but ?they? also need to understand before going into it (marriage) the reality of the life they becoming part of and I sometimes think some don?t.

I was just interested in the fact that Scarey had to pay for school fees, I am aware of the Fees covered for Boarding schools but I wondered if things has changed so much that schooling on whatever level had to be paid for......and I couldn?t understand that.

Your decision to stay where you are because of continuing with your drugs is yours. And I respect that. My point is I do believe that we have to do things we don?t like doing, I can?t imagine you like being apart from your Husband (?) but you have good reasons for doing it. You HAVE to do it. I am sure however you are able produce positive effects from something that could be deemed negative...

??Should we really be thinking that to have a successful marriage to someone in the Forces we must step back to some Victorian ideal of the wife in the heart of the home with the husband earning the bread? Seriously? ??

I am sorry if my opinion has led you to think I may be somewhat Victorian in my outlook... that is most definitely not the case, but I do believe that you support each other, whatever. That MIGHT mean, yes you do become the ?heart of the home? and he is the bread winner, what?s so awful about that, or it might mean, you have the kind of marriage that means you are happy to live with a situation which enables you see each other when you can, be that weekly/fortnightly etc.. Either way, you do what you do to suit your needs and of those around you.

Rocinante - home is where the heart is

My Husband ribs me for 'being German' as i was born there, he chooses to forget it was in a British Military Hospital surrounded by English Staff ETC ETC.

England V Germany games are always interesting

"Jcscot, there?s no generational thing going on, I understand and am fully aware of the opportunities presented to Women nowadays and how different it is to ?days gone by?. I was merely giving my opinion from a firsthand point of view and while I was a child to begin with, I grew into a young adult. My Father left when I was 18 and I was fully aware of what lives were like for wives of, indeed many of my friends married into the forces, my brother is in the Forces as are many of my cousins. "

Perhaps I didn't make express myself clearly - I meant that you experienced Forces life as a child/young adult not as a wife. Your view of life as a Forces child is a welcome one - it's always nice to know that children can enjoy the life as much as their parents do. However, unless I am mistaken, you have not experienced life as a wife. Also, although you have family serving currently, your direct experience is twenty years out of date. The Army (and I'm sure the other services) has changed drastically in that timeframe. That time lapse was what I meant by a generational gap.

" I do feel that issues can arise where one of the couple are not aware of how life will be ? quite rightly as how would they know, and its these partnerships that need to go through what they want out of their life/marriage etc. in order to get the best out of their situation."

Surely that's what all marriages do - regardless of whether they are Forces marriages? You may well be right that pad brats adapt more easily to a Forces marriage but it unfair to tar those of us with no Forces background with one brush. There are few of us here who would say that we did not go into our marriages with our eyes fully open.

"Being in the Forces, whether marrying into or being bought up in, is a unique way of life, its fraught, it?s hard going, it can be lonely, but it can also offer a close knit community. Bearing this in mind I too can understand why some women wouldn?t want to move around, and I admire them for their decision, but ?they? also need to understand before going into it (marriage) the reality of the life they becoming part of and I sometimes think some don?t."

Yet you clearly don't admire that decision, especially where the choice not to move has been made for the sake of the non-Forces spouse's career. You say earlier:

"but IMHO if you marry into the forces shouldn't you just accept the life for what it has to offer? "

and

"i think its much more important for families to be together and moving than for the children to miss out on (any) time with their Mums and Dad together "

and

"it is a different story if the partner/wife wants to continue or build a career, i wonder if marrying into the forces is such a good idea if that is indeed the case?"

To my mind, you are quite clearly saying that moving is better than commuting; that we wives shouldn't expect a career if we marry a serviceman.

"Your point referring to how life has changed and women?s attitudes have changed I agree with but if their attitudes really have changed so much then surely they just wouldn?t want to get married into the Forces, because getting married into the Forces is just that. You are not Mrs X you are ?Wife of? you have certain ways in which you have to do things, if you (or indeed your children) get into any strife then its (more often) your partner who gets hauled in front of his CO and asked to explain himself."

This, thank God, doesn't happen anymore. The Army has worked hard to remove the "wife of" label. It hasn't entirely succeeded but the days when ones wife was mentioned in annual reports has long gone. There is plenty of recognition of the support that families provide for the serving spouse and there is support available for those who do not choose to move.

More and more familes are staying put and there are various reasons for that. One is the state and condition of SFA (by and large appalling) another is the shrinking number of foreign postings, meaning that it's possible to buy a house near Salisbury and be in commuting distance of several postings. The operational overstretch and the frequent breaching of harmony guidelines is another reason that spouses often choose to be near fmaily rather than live on a camp.

"Your decision to stay where you are because of continuing with your drugs is yours. And I respect that."

I'm not sure that you do but maybe that's just me.

"Either way, you do what you do to suit your needs and of those around you"

That's about the only thing you've said (regarding living apart) that I agree with.

In my own situation, I feel as though I'm very much in the minority by not sending DCs to public school and instead considering moving the kids every two years. When I've recently asked friends with young children what they intend to do, most have said they will put them into boarding school, if they're not there already. I just couldn't do that - nor could the children.
I met my husband in my last year of uni and so once we'd decided that we would be together in the long term, I gave up any thoughts of a big career and just wanted a geography type job near to where he was posted at the time and so applied to the civil service. Because I was in love, I didn't think any further than that! Now, as we're an 'army family' (that's what I call us), I choose to do any job (or not as the case may be ) that fits in with the hours/lifestyle we choose.
I really appreciate jaysfourth's opinion as a child, as at the moment, I think that if we move again, all I will feel is guilt for taking DD away from her friends but it's hard when she begs me to tell her when Daddy's coming home.
Weekends are just a big mush of elation, arguments, tiredness and resentment and not many fun, family-type things.However, I know that DH will railroad me into his own take on it.
Out of interest, jcscot, where is the support for army wives who choose not to move with partners? I know that I could call SAFFA if necessary and I have the white card with emergency details on etc but I feel completely cut off from army life full stop now we've left suffolk.

"Out of interest, jcscot, where is the support for army wives who choose not to move with partners?"

I can only speak for my husband's Corps but they have been fantastic. I've had admin taken care of long-distance (things like the Forces railcard for which you normally need to go into a base). I've had great support from the AFF with reagrd to allowances and other issues. Obviously, I don't have the same level of support that would be available on a base.

Jaysfourth's opinion of her childhood is interesting and reassuring - it certainly counters the doom and gloom you can hear from some people about how forces life harms children.

jcscot, i feel like you are attacking me for everything i say. You have taken an instant dislike to my opinion and have berated it in such a way i feel i can no longer be bothered replying.

Take what you like from my discussion. Hope you continue your life to its fullest.

Luciemule i don't want to add to the guilt pressures you feel towards your daughter by saying what a great time i had when my Father was in the Forces, i just wanted you to see that it COULD be ok. At the moment it sounds like you are living two separate lives and not enjoying either, to me that's not good for anyone surely?
i rally hope you can sort it out and come to some kind of agreement that suits both yourselves and your children.

It is very much an individual choice and you can only decide what will work for you.

We are buying a house in the town where we live next year. DH hopes to daily commute -which because of where we are, and the jobs he is after, will more than likely be possible.

I work, and despite being an Army wife for 15 years, always have done - bar 1 year maternity leave and a 2 year career break to study.

I will continue to work as I love my job - and the opportunities it affords us. DD will go to private day school - and we will pay the fees ourselves (cheaper than the F/T nursery fees at the moment anyway!).

I never liked patch life - too much of the goldfish bowl syndrome for my liking. And, I'm afraid to say, too many wives with nothing better to do apart from gossip, hold dinner parties and attend coffee mornings.

I don't want that life - but that's maybe just me! I'm fiercly independent and have no need to be surrounded by 'people in the same boat'.

It is becoming more and more common for families (IMO) to make this choice. Indeed of my 5 closest army friends all of them are living in their own houses with DH's doing the daily/weekly commute.

oh dera - please don't be upset jaysforth - I know jcscot was only putting another side forward. I didn't mean for anyone to get upset by my thread. I'm asking for opinions and advice but at the end of the day, anything on MN can either be passed over or listened to. I love hearing everyones' viewpoints and this thread has made me see that I'm not the only one who has similar problems/issues to think about. I was feeling a bit 'lost at sea' but am now feeling more confident about sorting it all out with DH.

I meant oh dear (not dera)

not upset, just felt a bit beaten down. Nothing to worry about really and TBH prob me getting a bit over emotional about the memories!

BTW i like 'dera'!

'Your point referring to how life has changed and women?s attitudes have changed I agree with but if their attitudes really have changed so much then surely they just wouldn?t want to get married into the Forces, because getting married into the Forces is just that. You are not Mrs X you are ?Wife of? you have certain ways in which you have to do things, if you (or indeed your children) get into any strife then its (more often) your partner who gets hauled in front of his CO and asked to explain himself.'

As an Navy brat, wife, sister and daughter in law, and having done this for 44 years in total, may I point out that attitudes have changed. I didn't marry the RN, I married my husband, and I was fully aware of what that entailed. We decided early on that we would maintain our own home and that I would be stable and he would be mobile. There was no advantage for us to me moving and we were fortunate in that his sea time and some shore time was done in our local area.

I have never in my 24 years of marriage lived on a patch and even though we are now abroad as part of a tri service community, I have as little to do with the 'wives' as possible (unless I happen to like them), preferring to get involved with ds's school and my own academic study. Like hf I am fiercely independent (comes with the territory) and have always banged my own drum. Living here has the advantage of a private hiring and not a patch. I have gained my initial degree a PGCE and had two careers whilst married. That could not have been achieved whilst moving all the time.

As for the you are the 'wife of'...no I'm not in that sense. One of the nicest compliments I was ever paid was by a teaching colleague who said I had overturned all his notions of what a Naval Officer's wife is like. I behave in an appropriate manner as any adult does, but I don't behave in a specific manner because of what dh does, and I don't do coffee mornings! That is why many Forces families have their own homes as it is then none of the COs business how we or our kids behave. I haven't met one Naval CO who would have behaved like that in any case.

Lucie - there is nothing wrong with moving the kids when they are in primary. I would advise (as a teacher) that they are not moved from the end of year 8 onwards if you can manage it; at the latest the end of year 9 to give continuity for GCSEs.

School fees Jaysfourth are only paid if the kids are boarding and you are declared mobile. We weren't mobile and ds went to a prep as a day boy, therefore we paid. I think the only exceptions to this are if you are posted to Brussels as the schools here are day (well, I know that one is true), or MoD as it is cheaper than them moving you up there.

the other private school exception is if you're posted in Wales and the only english speaking school within a ten mile radius is a private one - then they can day board and have the fees paid (I've prob. got some of that wrong).

I've always said Scary,when people find out DH is in the army, that I'm not your average army wife ('cause they always raise their eyebrows and start talking about coffee mornings!)and I've always made sure I integrated into the local areas nearby (luckily I speak German so even in Germany we lived off camp, in a hiring with teachers,army personnel and Germans mixed together). I was able to go off into town and get on with it. However, that said, I still like the fact that everyone already knows your situation (even if they don't know your name) just by the fact that you're forces dependents and I find I can quickly befriend other wives. In civvie street though, I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a circle, peering in. At our last posting, I was chair person for a village preschool, 3 miles from camp so loved integrating with local people, most of whom knew what army life was about as the links between the local primary school, army and wider community were great. I guess it's strange here because nobody is near to any forces base, except RAF and American bases and so it's completely alien to them. I also think that wives who live in their own home anywhere near the A303 are at least in the wider forces community and it's easier to reach friends and sforces upport.

Lucie - I am interested to know (on an average day to day basis) what support forces families need?

Well, (I'm assuming that you mean an army family living together on a patch)imagine if your partner is away on op tour and all of the problems that could arise back at home whilst he's away. The army welfare service enables wives to go to them with any problems they may have.
I am not speaking for myself but, for example, where we have just left, there were lots of women (not British soldier's wives) who couldn't drive and many don't speak english very easily. This meant that they couldn't even get to the school to watch special assemblies etc. Then there might have been a mini bus laid on for them.
Many soldiers, depending on what regt they're with, go on repeat op tours, sometimes regardless of whether they've already been recently and the upheaval this causes to dependents' lives' can be significant. In Germany for example, where regiments are regularly away, day trips to theme parks, BBQs and swimming trips etc are organised by the welfare service. This also happens in the UK but not quite as frequently.
I realise that there are many similarities for lots of civvie companies however, for their families, life is generally much less transient. I'm too tired to think of really great examples tonight but for me, I wouldn't really need support on a day to day basis whilst living here - I have my emergency cards and the number for SSAFFA if I needed it.

Day trips out etc are not really 'support' IMO. I know you are tired - so sleep on it!

I dealt with dh on a 9 month tour in Afghan (my pregnancy) without any support - because I didn't need any. Maybe I am lucky - maybe I am made of sterner stuff than a lot of wives.

I know there are a lot of (mostly young) lonely wives - stuck miles away from friends and families with young children. Maybe they can't drive - but (in most places) there is perfectly good public transport.

"I dealt with dh on a 9 month tour in Afghan (my pregnancy) without any support - because I didn't need any. Maybe I am lucky - maybe I am made of sterner stuff than a lot of wives. "

On my husband's last op tour (6 mths - Afghanistan) I dealt with recovery from emergency surgery - which I had two days before he deployed and two small boys. I had help from my Mum, of course, but only for the odd hour or so a day.

I found that the support that was useful has been in navigating the Army system - help with any admin problems that arose while M was away. To give an example, I received a mess bill for M while he was in Afghanistan as they'd continued to charge him despite the fact he'd officially moved out. The Mess weren't very helpful but one phone call to Coy HQ and it was all sorted.

Days out etc are not "support" IMHO - they're a nice thing to have available but they don't help when one is wrestling with Army bureaucracy.

I didn't drive until earlier this year (my licence was withdrawn for health reasons) and I always walked or caught a bus. I was never posted anywhere that was truly so rural that I couldn't get about under my own steam.

Firstly, the army makes it it's business to look after wives as they know that DHs don't have a choice about being sent away and whilst many women don't need support, the army support system is there generally if you need it.
For example, when we moved to Germany (me with undiagnosed pnd, an 18mth old and having asked to go to Bicester, not Germany!)within a week of my arrival, the army had organised for me to go into hospital and have my gall bladder removed. I was prtrified and actually thought I wouldn't wake up from the GA! The lady who came into hospital (was there sharing a room with an old lady with cancer, who kept insisting I see her op wounds)was sooooo needed and whilst my DH was at home with DD, provided some support for me a couple of hours a day.

The area from which we've just left is very rural and doesn't have a great public transport service, espceially not one the couple of miles to the local school. I don't just mean support from the offical services, I mean also from other wives and families. Off now for a weekend away on my own with some girl friends - looking forward to reading more interesting posts when I get back.

"I don't just mean support from the offical services, I mean also from other wives and families"

I sometimes think that the informal support network can be better than the official one. After all, you can dash across the road to ask your neighbour for a hand if something urgent came up. When we lived on the patch, I did my fair share of dogsitting for my next-door neighbour while she was in and out of hospital with her first child - and she did the same for me later in the year when I was unwell.

I've never been one for day trips and the like but that may be because my husband's Corps is not known for such things. When he was in company command, his company HQ was in Edinburgh with sections all over the north of England, NI and Scotland and Bn HQ was in Wiltshire - not much opportunity of wives get-togethers, especially when we didn't live on camp! Also, as they trickle post, there was a fluctuating community, rather than a more static one.

However, what they lacked in social outings, they more than made up for in practical support. When M was away, the CSM called once a week to see if there was anything I needed, gave me lift one time when our car was off the road (came all the way from Edinburgh to do so), made sure I got all the help I needed with a few admin issues that came my way and generally looked after me.

I didn't actually need much help, but that weekly call was much appreciated as it reassured me that if I needed anything, they could help me sort it out. I also had calls from the CO and the Bn 2IC to make sure I was being looked after. I know that they've done the same for the wife of a friend whose husband is out in Afghanistan right now, so it must be the Bn policy, not just me!

I'd be really if a welfare officer came anywhere near me.

Your comments about Civvy street are precisely why I've always had my own place and done my own thing. In Cornwall, I was integrated into the community because I lived and worked in it and I have only once needed the RN to do anything which was to tell dh that ds had been born. They then went the extra mile and got him off the boat and back from somewhere off the top of the UK to the West Country. How much of that was welfare, and how much my younger brother is a moot point, as my db was working in Squadron at that time.

As for problems arising when he's away - they are going to happen whether he is there or not, and it's me that deals with them. I can't imagine running to the RN because my washing machine had broken or my Mum was ill. In fact when dh was at sea there would have been little point contacting welfare anyway as he was incommunicado for the length of the patrol in a black tube and couldn't have helped. You just have to sort things out for yourself; after all, we will have to do so when they leave the Forces (4 years today!). My former employer didn't lay on welfare support for families of their employees - why should they?

What has been interesting is that db is currently in a hot sandy place, and when all the welfare guff came home, even though it is supposed to be triservice, it was all Army. Things were laid on for kids and wives and the Brigadiers wife would be contacting everyone to see that they were OK. If the RN or RAF families of those deployed with the Army required anything it said, contact your own welfare services. Nice.

I sometimes wonder if all the welfare support is a good thing, as it will impact when your dh leaves the Services and you (generic, not specific) have to deal with the real world. Better to learn how to do it sooner rather than later perhaps?

"As for problems arising when he's away - they are going to happen whether he is there or not, and it's me that deals with them. I can't imagine running to the RN because my washing machine had broken or my Mum was ill. "

You're right - that kind of stuff you have to deal with on your own. The only non-admin thing the CSM did for me was give me a lift to a hospital appt - and he offered, I didn't ask. When we needed a new washing machine, I just got one. Ditto the new tyre and the new microwave.

The help with sorting out the Mess bill and a couple of other things was much appreciated, though.

No mess bills in Brussels!

I'm not implying I think wives should rely on the welfare services, but merely that they're there if and when needed. The army is dictating where husbands work (usually) and therefore it tries to make sure that dependents are looked after. I have always made a point of integrating in the local area. I think perhaps the army have a more 'used' welfare system because it's more transient and wives are being moved more often. The majority do move with husbands and deployment patterns different.