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Forces sweethearts

If you have a family member in the Royal Navy, RAF or army, find support from other Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Money issues when partner is away.

22 replies

SmallShips · 13/08/2008 22:39

Just wanted some advice, should probably put this in relationships, but its forces too i suppose.

Anyway DH is in the Gulf, the day he left, we had just got married and rather skint, living on £20 till payday, needed formula and nappies x2, so had about £3 for food! I had given him £30 for his visa and a few bits. More than he needed as he was at sea, when he got alongside he would have been paid. So i checked his wallet for my bank card and he had hid £70, had a big row, as he knew how tight it would be for us, but hes still happy to do it. Long row cut short, i let it go and off he went, he promised he wouldnt touch anything else in his bank (unauthorised overdraft), checked the bank a day before payday, we were £300 overdrawn!! He took it out to pay his mess bill apprentely, even with the exchange rate, that is one hell of a mess bill! Cue another massive row, but i couldnt really do anything about it.

Payday 2 weeks ago, he again promised he wouldnt touch anything, checked today, £150 overdrawn. I am so angry, but whats the point in saying anything?! 3 times in a month hes gone behind my back and lied and hes got an excuse for everything. Weve been married a month, he clearly has no respect for me and our DC. I dont know where to go from here TBH. Ive lost alot of repsect for him and i can see it getting worse, as hes about to be based in Faslane away from us. I think its a case of out of sight out of mind.

So what do i do and does anyone else have money issues like this?

OP posts:

Original poster

SmallShips · 13/08/2008 22:41

Oh and i should say, he gets an allowance for boozey nights out etc whilst hes away. Im supposed to have one, but mine goes on food and the DC when he does this.

OP posts:

ThatBigGermanPrison · 13/08/2008 22:43

not a forces wife, but I know one - can't you speak to the Padre? Or failing that .... his boss?

kerryk · 13/08/2008 23:04

i cant believe he has done that!!

what a bugger hiding that money when he knows that your dc might have to go without.

i would have been tempted to cut his bank card up before he left, lets face it when they are away its not like they are going to starve. he will be given his meals and a roof over his head (of some description)

Drusilla · 13/08/2008 23:05

Did you have separate finances before you got married? If so, perhaps he really has no idea of what money you need. Can you write it all down for him to show him what everything is costing?

Do you have a Welfare Office you can contact? They will sort him out for you, but it is quite a heavy handed way of going about it.

Original poster

SmallShips · 14/08/2008 11:12

Im thinking of taking his bank card off of him and just giving him cash.

Im a SAHM so the only income i get is child benefit, he knows my situation and is just a selfish toss it seems. Like you said Kerry hes getting 3 sqaure meals a day and hes happy enough for his children to go without.

I think if things dont improve i might go to the welfare office, atleast they can sort out the problems he has with money. Not sure what to do about the lying and lack of respect towards his family though!

OP posts:

SammyC · 14/08/2008 11:30

Hi Smallships, would threatening your OH with the welfare office poss get him to change his ways? Then see how it goes from there.......

I personally wouldnt want them to get involved unless it was the absolute final option but if this has been going on for a while and he hasnt changed his ways I think its your only option.

To protect yourself could you not take out some money on pay day and keep it in sock draw so you have a fund if he misbehaves?

3andnomore · 14/08/2008 11:39

oh dear, and you only just got married...I assume before you got married you got other benefits?
Anyway,I would tell him that, if he doesn't resolve this problem on his own, then you will have no choide but to get the welfare office involved.
And maybe you could try and be quicker then him and withdraw a lumpsum straight after the money comes in , at least you know then that you have enough.
Any reason why you aren't living in married quarters? So much easier to get things sorted out when they are away especially.
He sounds very selfish...however, with time he may well come to his senses.
BTW. how was money sorted out beofre marriage? Did you realise he was so bad with money?

kerryk · 14/08/2008 11:44

either withdraw it or do what dh and myself do and open another account (we do this because he is posted away not because he is a twunt )

work out what you need every month for bills/food/debt etc. subtract that from his wages. split what is left down the middle and thats yours and his "pocket money" for the month.

3andnomore · 14/08/2008 12:54

kerry's idea a good one

We opened a few years ago a seperate account, just for all bills...(direct debit etc...), as we found it easier to know that way, how much we actually have to live on....but in OPs situation adding food and general living costs would be good

Original poster

SmallShips · 14/08/2008 13:43

Never had any other benefits, the annoying thing is, we are on a good wage (the blip last month was our wedding), but his wreckless behaviour is causing all the trouble, that and money issues tend to continue into the next month and then the next. All bills get paid, but its food money hes leaving us without. Hes never been brilliant with money, but not bad to this extent.

I think im going to threaten him with the welfare office, i dont want them involved, but hes proud and would be embarrassed thinking they are going to interveen.

We already do what you've all been saying (except a seperate bank account for him) hes a rule unto himself apprentely.

We have been discussing a MQ and are in the process of weighing up our options.

OP posts:

Original poster

SmallShips · 14/08/2008 13:46

Oh his excuse this time was "well seeing as im away, next month my pay will be massive, so i made a command decision to see how much i could withdraw... for my mess bill"

OP posts:

3andnomore · 14/08/2008 13:50

Oh, right...so, it is more of an issue since you got married...that is annoying....!

Hm...if he has his own bankaccount, why don't you get it sorted in a way, that all money first go into a main account and then , via direct debit, he gets some spending money into his account?

And yes, an indebt bankaccount is a pain in the backside and seems to be so difficult to get back into the black, doesn't it!

We had always lived in Married Quarters and then bought our own house 3 years ago, in preparation for him leaving the Army....and it was definately so much cheaper to live in married quarters and I found you had more support when he was away, etc...however....my own family is in Germany anyway, so, I had already left any family support behind......

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 14/08/2008 13:56

yes my X when he was in iraq - they have £50 cheques cashed against their wages there, he basically took out 1 cheque of £350 and a load of others - the pay office/whomever held them until literally 2 days b4 xmas when they whole lot left our account (£600 odd) I was furious like you and warned him on pain of death that I now couldn't eat etc or pay our bills. (had no DC's thou so wasn't the absolute end of the world)

the suggestion I was given was to have a second account jsut for him for when he went away. with it's own cheque book so he spent from that money -0 which is fantastic but if the cheque bounces they take it out of his wages the following month - so either way am left with a lower pay packet if that makes sense?

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 14/08/2008 13:58

(on the other hand thou if you put say £150 per month in that account and that's all he has - keep his card at home you might be ok that way around??)

twoplusone · 14/08/2008 14:19

I would take all the money out of the account as soon as we were paid.. just leaving him enough, for his nights out etc.. what ever figure you had agreed.. then keep the money either in a seperate account or at home.. I am lucky my dh doesnt touch his bank when away and if he does he always tells me (as soon as he is able too ) what he has spent and what he has spent it on.

Original poster

SmallShips · 14/08/2008 14:59

The problem with taking all the money out on payday is we have a few direct debits that come out after that day. I think he'd spend that money and run up the charges.

Im going to have to open a seperate bank account for him i think, i have an old barclays account, ill get a card sent out and he can have that.

His Mum and Dad are picking up from Brize tomorrow as hes home from the Gulf, they'll be staying with us for the weekend , so ill have to act happy with him and not furious, like i actually am!

OP posts:

kitkat9 · 14/08/2008 19:02

i think it can take a while when you are newly married for both to work out how the finances are going to b managed. I know that went form being financially independent to financially reliant on dh and we both found it hard at the start, however, now he's great, we have a joint account and everything gets paid out of it. I have no income besides benefits, which as you know are piffling.

You do need to find time to sit down and explain the seriousness of this to him. He cannot possibly keep money secret from you when you are trying to feed your family. He needs to grow up! Could you have a joint account that all bills, direct debits, grocery costs etc come out of, and filter the rest into your individual accounts? You'll have to work out to the penny what you need to survive each month. Anything left over can be divided equally between you, as 'pocket' money. I think if you tell him that this is what needs to happen, rather than having a fight about it, he'll realise that this is not an option. When you get married, finances need to be joint, not separate, imo. Especially when you have dc's to raise.

Eve34 · 14/08/2008 19:21

It is hard when tehy are away and you have no 'control' over htem, my DP went away for 8 weeks and spent £1K all in. WE could of had a bloody good holiday on that. On top of that we had £400 phone bill.

He hasn't been away since but would be prepared to take everything off him and give him allowance next time. Think the naff run on tick though so might not be so easy?

Original poster

SmallShips · 14/08/2008 21:01

Thanks for all your advice.

Bloody hell Eve, but im sure my DH would do the same if he thought he could come up with a good enough excuse.

Well hes home in less than 24hours, better start to calm down! GRRRRRRRRR.

OP posts:

poshtottie · 14/08/2008 21:21

Its the phone bill that really gets me. Its such a waste of money.

abba1772 · 14/08/2008 21:45

My hubby did this to me when he was in afgan, withdrew a cheque for $300 i was well fuming thank goodness for webcams lol.

get a "hi honey" when he comes online with all his boys standing behind him and i ripped right into him there and then

"what the f**k do you need $300 for, i struggling and you're being a selfish BEEP!!!

the room behind him cleared out in seconds and he never took any more money out after that

kerryk · 14/08/2008 22:15

abba

when we were first married dh was sent to bosnia for 6 months and i was left home with dd1 (tiny baby)

he sent me a gorgeous bunch of roses for valentines day(£60 worth!!) but paid for it out of my money that was to do dd and me till the end of the month.

luckily she was not on solids yet but i can still remember eating beans on toast for about 2 weeks cursing the expensive flowers that were dying before my eyes.

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