Do you insist your children should eat everything on their plate?

[trulymadlydeeply]

My DH and I are arguing about this, particularly with regards to our youngest dc, who my DH says I "baby".

I don't see why they should have to clean the plate (possibly because it was an agonising experience for me as a child) and I particularly hate it when DH forces them to eat something they either don't particularly like or don't want that mealtime. It reduces them to tears, but absolutely infuriates DH when I take their side.

Had this over a chicken dinner tonight and feel as though ds2 (nearly 5) has been bullied - he was sent to bed in the end because he didn't want his chicken!!

Bit of a difference between forcing a not-hungry person to eat and dealing with DC who won't eat the dinner but are bleating for chocolates/chips etc. My DS has a pretty good appetite and eats a variety of foods but every now and again will demand chocolate cake rather than a meal. I tend to, well, vary as to whether he gets it or not, because I don't want to make food a battleground but nor do I want to make some foods more valuable (ie eat this food then you can have some 'special' food). Agree with the other poster who said that it's up to kids to decide whether aned how much: probably the parents' best job is in not offering alternatives if what is there is not eaten.

Mine have to eat all their vegetables - but I make sure that have small helpings - they can always come back for more. I'm always amused when my MIL stays - she'll say "Just eat your meat" I say "Just eat your vegetables"! Interesting generational difference!

Just in case there's anybody in the whole world that I haven't bored with one of my mother's sayings - she says (althought I don't think it's original) "It's a parent's duty to provide regular, healthy, delicious meals. It is not a parent's duty to make anybody eat one" Scary, but liberating!

Another no from here. Your DH IS bullying your child. I too was made to clear my plate and am now obsese. It is not the only reason but I think it is a contributing factor.

If I give DS something I know he likes I will insist on a few mouthfuls at least. And if I feel he hasn't had enough I try for 4 more mouthfuls. We don't really do puddings either. DS will sometimes be hungry later and have dry cereal but is only allowed that if he has eaten a reasonable amount of dinner.

Another no here. Agree with everything said about creating food issues, possible weight issues etc etc as well as creating anxiety around eating socially. The only rule in our house is a breezy "You don't have to eat it but there's nothing else on offer". (Unless it really is horrible in which case I will find something else to dish up - I'm not the greatest cook, but that's only happened a couple of times )

I only started putting on weight when I finished the children's uneaten food. Now they get the right amount and finish it themselves. Leftover unserved food gets put into plastic boxes and served another time.

The biggest problem of childhood obesity is grazing with crap food because they don't sit down at the table long enough to eat proper food.

Those of you, ie everyone except me, that let your kids leave food on their plates, are they allowed to get down before everyone else has finished?

No (to the are they allowed to get down question). Unless there's a lot of very boring grown up chat going on which means the meal is taking a ridiculously long time. But they are expected to take a civilized part in the chat for what I consider to be a reasonable time. Or when ds's friend comes to tea who is the official World Slowest Eater. He is quite happy to sit at the table chewing peas 37 times until he's finished his plate, so I don't expect everyone to wait for him This has been agreed with everyone in our circle about this particular child, by the way!

mine all have to stay at the table (have 3 kids) because from experience, if one gets down, the others immediately want to as well, and stop eating even if they were still mid meal and eating well.

I have very few meals where all 3 dss agree/like, so frequently someone won't like what's made. Individually and collectively got quite a good repetoire, just unfortunately little overlap.

I don't force my kids to eat either, but am not 100% sure what to do if 1 of the 3 doesn't eat anything. I tend not to make a fuss. Offer no alternatives etc. But ds3 (aged 3 is the worst eater, esp in evening, ofte refuses dinner) will surely wake up at 5 ish for breakfast as he's gone to bed so hungry. How do you get round that without a drama?

No, he doesn't get to get down early (well, yes if there are lots of adults sitting around yakking over coffee, I suppose).

DS doesn't graze on crap food. In fact, overall he eats a lot. Just some days it will be a LOT and other days he just won't be hungry.

And I'm not nearly so worried about childhood obesity which is largely going to be under my control as adult obesity, which is going to be down to the habits he's learned.

Just read OP, not other replies so sorry if i'm repeating anything.

I was forced to clear plate as a child & I have definite over eating tendencies. I recall one day being sat at the dinner table in floods of tears because i hadn't eaten my rice pudding (which i have always LOATHED). they made me sit there for an hour and then i got sent to bed.

My DP is a human dustbin, although he wasn't forced, he was encouraged.

Both of us struggle wityh our weight & stopping when we're full.

For that reason we are BLWing in the hope that DS won't turn out like us ! I want him to learn to regulate his own appetite.

Haven't read all the thread, so sorry if someone already said this, but I read or heard somewhere that YOU decide what to put on their plate, but THEY decide what goes into their mouths.
That way you get to choose the healthy stuff for them, but they only eat as much as they need/want.

I don't force myself to eat everything on my plate so why would I expect my children to? If I feel he is just saying 'yuck' to a perfectly acceptable meal because it is something new or because he is 'being Lola' (that tomato book as a bad influence!), I will ask him to try a few mouthfuls.

I'm picturing so much wasted food and wondering how it fits into half a small wheelie bin, every two weeks.

I do worry about wasted food Scary. However, If DS doesn't finish food at one meal, he doesn't get any more food until the next meal, except fruit. Like Seeker, we do make him stay at the table until we have finished, and often he will finish his meal anyway while he is waiting. I would say that not being able to stop eating when you are hungry is a huge cause of obesity. If you don't provide crap food for your children to snack on they can't eat it.

Scary - why is it more of a waste to throw it in the bin/compost, than it is to eat something you don't want or need? why is it a good lesson to teach children they must eat when they are not hungry and they don't want to eat the food?
the answer is to serve a little bit at a time and use leftovers. I hardly throw away any food in this house.

I agree with Greensleeves, though: "IMO it is as much wasted if it is eaten by a person who isn't hungry and doesn't want it as if it it had been thrown away."

And there isn't much food thrown away because, by and large, DS eats well. This isn't an "I'm going to set out to throw away lots of food" gig, just a "I'm not going to force someone to eat when they aren't hungry" thing.

As others have said in different ways, I think it's really important for children to develop their own sense of 'that's enough, I'm full' from the earliest age possible - how can we possibly decide for them? They NEED to be able to respond to their own body's signal of enoughness and not have it overridden by our well-meaning attempts to decide for them. I've noticed that one difference between slim people and overweight ones is that those who have no weight problems are perfectly able to throw away half a packet of crisps if they've had enough, or stop after a small amount of chocolate, but those who have eating control issues just carry right on till it's all gone.

Food is not only wasted if forced upon a child who doesn't need or want it, it's ended up somewhere it could be positively be harmful (as in excess calories/establishing bad eating patterns)so just bung it in the bin without regret.

I don't see leftovers as a waste because they go to the chickens who make them into lovely eggs

Scary, I think the problem with obesity and grazing on unhealthy food is in part down to children/adults who've never learnt to stop when full!

Inever make my dcs clear their plate, a friend of mine once told me she attributed her 'weight problem' to the fact that her mother madde her clear her plate at dinner times and now she can't leave her plate uncleared.
I wasn't made to clear my plate and I have no problem with leaving food on my plate if I'm full.

we don't make them clear their plates, but we eat dinner around 6pm every night, and if you don't finish everything on their you cannot have anything else until breakfast. If you do finish everything, then on the nights we are having pudding, you get some, and if we;re not, then if you fancy a snack in the rest of the evning - yoghut, friut, whatever, then you can have it.
I can't be arsed with arguments about finishing the whole lot, but I refuse to scrape dinners into the bin and then provide 2 yoghurts and a bit of toast an hour later!

I'm with you on that one Olala.

LOL, if I can get DD to eat SOMETHING at the moment I am pleased.

I think it is wrong to force them to finish everything, I agree with posters who say that you just don't know how hungry they are. As long as they try new foods and eat something its fine by me.

And as for being forced to eat all your meat, I remember having to sit at the table until I had finished all my mince. I gagged and cried and it just got colder and colder.

The eating crap between meals thing - my hv said one useful thing(lol)- treat the food eaten between meals as part of the meal if you can. Dd snacks on cheese, carrots, peppers, fruit etc. She's getting her 5 a day, spread out throughout the day. If she doesn't like the meals or isn't that hungry I know she's had enough to eat and don't put pressure on. Seems to work for us.
I wondered if she would just snack continuously but she doesn't, she eats pretty well at meal times too. I make sure not to give her too much and offer seconds if she wants.

Slightly irrelevant but pertinent to the anxiety that dcs aren't eating enough, esp veg.

I've started doing hors d'oevres!!! (sp?)
We eat a bit later than usual so they're properly hungry and I lay veggies and dips out on a plate just like a Marguerite Patten cookbook photo..

it often all gets eaten. Then I serve main course and feel actually relaxed! (Used to go through meals with shoulders round ears with tension..)

No - I leave it to DS to decide when he is full.
Your DH is storing up problems for the future with his attitude - no child should be sent to bed early over an unfinished plate of food.

Get them to the table hungry and let them decide when they've had enough. If they don't eat anything then fine but they don't then get to eat until the next meal.

What's your DH's problem over this?

We do much the same as seeker and HC, I think.

Perhaps there is a way round this which won't annoy your dp too much.

Put bowls on table, tell everyone to help themselves, and tell them they have to eat what they take.

That might work? It works here pretty much. DS1 started off loading on masses though, but now he's got it, I think.

Might work for you all, and cut out dp's tension?