Daytime TV to Hollywood Blockbuster

[TalcAndTurnips]

Bored. Want some larks and tomfoolery.

Right, the idea is this. Take an ordinary and uninspiring television programme and transform it into an all-star silver screen extravaganza. The more preposterous the better.

Homes Under The Hammer

It is the year 2057. Crime has reduced the civilised world to a place of fear and dread. The New World Government has taken the drastic step of forcing the populace to live under the threat of swift retribution and justice for anyone who trangresses.

They tell you where to live. Your house is under a huge steel plate. Step out of line - and you, your family and your home are crushed.

Homes - are quite liderally - Under The Hammerrrrrr.

Stars Sir Bradley Pitts and June Whitfield.

Certificate 18. Contains scenes of bloody violence and squashing.

Please do add more. Or not. As you please.

Antiques Road Trip

Old Timers Bert and Jed (played sensitively by Morgan Freeman and Jean Claude Van Damme) take to the road in Bert's vintage Cadillac for a last-in-a-lifetime voyage across the States.

Laugh along and cry as they experience a series of unlikely events, such as young lovelies in butt-crack denim jumping in to join them - and a tear-jerking reunion with Jed's estranged sister's boyfriend's gardener in that big canyon thingy somewhere out West.

Certificate 12a. Contains scenes of gratuitous schmaltz.

fabulous

Likey

Yay! Come on the AllTheMadmen - have you got one for us?

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Gripping dystopian post apocalyptic drama starring Jennifer Lawrence & just out of rehab making a comeback Shia LeBoef.

In the wastelands of Swindon, newlyweds Shanice & Troy struggle to survive. Food is so scarce, Troy is forced to rob banks, eating the proceeds of his crime & daily takings from the corner shop.

Until Shanice is seized by mad former plastic surgeon (Bruce Willis) who transforms her into a human piggy bank.

Judge Grinder

Insane futuristic robot judge decides everyone who appears before him is guilty and sentences them to be minced.

Loose Women

A pack of feral females hunt down, kill & eat unsuspecting travellers in a dystopian post apocalyptic suburb of Gloucester (can you see a pattern here?).

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Directed by the maker of The Human Centipede: Crazed loner consultant plastic surgeon Cannibal Hector (Joe Pasquale) attempts to create a human cash machine after he kidnaps socialite Fanjita Plastique-Titz (Jennifer Lopez) and entombes her in his purpose-built creepy cellar operating theatre.

Watch scenes of grisly surgery as the cash slot is installed in Fanjita's lower mandible. Laugh at moments of genuine comedy when bemused high street shoppers do not realise that they are inserting their Visa cards into the hapless victim's duodenum. Thrill at the exciting climax as Fanjita unplugs herself and attempts to escape after a ram-raid.

Certificate U. Contains scenes of squirty violence and blood that is just the wrong shade of red.

iklboo - Hollywood cross-post!

That is uncanny. You are as sick as me.

Talc - one can be the sequel

Come Dine With Me

Cannibal recruits like minded people through Internet chat rooms. Super tough cop (Harry Styles) must stop him before his plan to arrange a formal dinner party featuring dishes such Leg Au Vin can be completed.

WANTED DOWN UNDER

Guy Pearce recreates the last days of Ned Kelly, as he doggedly pursues his prey: a recalcitrant teenager played by Miley Cyrus at her rebellious best. The famous outlaw stalks her around the seediest clubs of the outback, and forces her to join the parents who don't understand her as they seek meaning by translocation across a wild continent.

Emotional family drama. Contains nudity.

Pointless

Starring Ben Affleck as the question master.

Co starring Robert Downey Jnr wearing big glasses and stacked up shoes as the controller with all the answers.

It was the year 2010. Two former CIA operatives are on the run from the evil President go under cover as game show hosts in London.

London England. A TV Studio.

Robert D Jnr shirtless, running through the set of Cbeebies shouting:

"It's pointless Alexander, POINTLESS!!, we cannot run from our past forever, we cannot stay undercover for the rest of our lives....."

Ben Affleck, shirtless, crashes through the fake round window with a semi automatic weapon sending the soft toys flying,

"This ends here Richard!!! We must fight and prove the corruption goes ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP"

BOOM, BOOM BOOOOOM.

Germy Kyle - dystopian post apocalyptic chat show in which the host deliberately infects his guests with horrific diseases.

TIPPING POINT

Sean Penn is beset by rage as the strain of life's trivia threatens to send him literally over the edge.

Contains swearing and a bleak sense of life's futility. Warning: viewers may be forced to contemplate getting a job instead of watching this.

Yessss - these are brilliant! I love you all.

COUNTDOWN

Contestants have to solve fiendish anagrams to defuse a bomb while Mata Hari Rachel Riley (Gwyneth Paltrow with dodgy accent) shouts really hard sums at them.

Never had do-do, do-do, do-diddy-do BOOM been so terrifying.

Balamory

A peaceful and sleepy Scottish Island community, where folk worship the old pagan gods of nature, becomes the focus of a murder hunt, when straight-laced mainland policeman Sergeant Bowie (Alan Carr) is called in to investigate reports of a missing teenager.

The facade of rural simplicity is shattered as Bowie stumbles over people in flares and tank-tops shagging like rabbits all over the place. The landlord's daughter Pillow (Barbara Windsor) attempts to lure Bowie into the seedier side of Balamory's bonkfest by shaking her arse through the wall at him.

Edie McCredie sits in a schoolroom with a beetle. The crops fail. Folk music abounds. More shagging. Bowie is tricked into a trap before being burned alive in a giant wicker knob.

Certificate 18. Contains scenes of appalling fashions, questionable Scottish accents and dodgy haircuts.

Deal Or No Deal

Tense thriller starring Denzel Washington as an ex CIA agent caught up in a web of intrigue involving Russian Mafia and shizzle. In a race against the clock, he must decide....Deal Or No Deal

Cert 18. Contains violence, nudity and literally hundreds of cliches.

HEIR HUNTERS

Liam Neeson is a former CIA agent who teams up with a maverick bounty hunter (Ben Affleck) to track down the kidnappers of a young boy set to inherit a billion dollar fortune. It's a race against time, and they aren't the only ones on the case.

Certificate 15. Contains Ben Affleck.

Heir Hunters

In a dystopian post apocalyptic suburb (we need to reuse the sets) the descendants of the rich & famous are mercilessly rounded up & disposed of in a series of increasingly gruesome ways by gangs of roving archivists & genealogists.

X posts again!!!

Bargain Hunt

It's 1962 and Barney 'Bargain' Hunt sets out on a voyage to follow his dreams. But what of Olive, the girl he has lived since boyhood?

A coming of age drama, telling the story of young love, and a changing world.

Cert 12. Contains mild nudity. And lots of plaid.