I’m a bit lost having a DD

[SickOfThisSht]

Ok that was perhaps a bit of a dramatic title but I’m just lying here tonight looking at DD4 sleeping and wondering how the fck do I protect her?!

She had a birthday party recently and there was a boy who absolutely terrorised everyone. I’ve heard her talk about him in passing usually about him making this or that kid cry, pushing, her or someone else. I passed it off as kids being kids. Did an all class invite because I didn’t want to exclude anyone.

Then i saw it at her party and it just hit me with all sorts and guilt at not taking her passing comments more seriously. His mum was right there!! He pushed DD, pulled her, was in her face. Both me and DH had to step in so many times. And his mum was right there watching it all!

Then, I read local news and 3 out of 5 locally convicted people are men having committed horrible crimes against women.

Then DD is about to start school soon (preschool at present) and they ask about ‘gender identity’…i don’t bloody know, she’s 4 she doesn’t have one!

Then i have my own past filled with the serious (sa within family not fully out yet) and what I guess in my scale of serious would be termed not so much (ranging from continuous professional mansplaining to mildly coercive relationships).

What’s the antidote? I’ve signed her up to martial arts next term so she can gain some physical confidence and see just what girls can do. I just want her to have less people pleasing in her than I did (with the boy she just passively ignored him no doubt taking in the fact we’ve always taught her kind hands and that we don’t hit…although I would’ve been just fine with her ending whatever he was starting to be honest!) I want her to say ‘No’ with the confidence of an 80 year old that has no fcks to give. But how without turning her into a bulldozer that’s petrified of the world?!

PS: I appreciate not all of these issues are exactly related or connected to being a girl/woman directly, but perhaps in my mind they are a little because in some ways I saw myself personally not having experienced some of it if I had been a boy. It’s a complex thing and I am perhaps not the most intelligent or articulate person to highlight it. I’m just a mum of a girl and a little fcked off right now!

Hello, I have all the same worries and no advice I am afraid.

@Notenoughdollarbucks I appreciate this is more of a rant than a contributory discussion. It both soothes and annoys me that I’m not alone in thinking like this.

Completely agree VAGW by men is awful!
The next sad stage is primary when your DD is old enough for boys to have told her she's not good enough/strong enough as she's a girl. Then, in secondary when she tells you she's ignored and people-pleased boys & men to get out of negative situations and you have to be honest on why it's better she stays with her group of friends, keeps her phone on her and is aware of men around her.

A key point to teach girls - although most abusers are male, not all males are abusers. My DD has had plenty of positive relationships and interactions too. Plus women can be and do anything workwise, my DD has a computing apprenticeship.

My 4yo keeps asking me if she’s beautiful and pretty (while she’s putting on plastic jewellery she’s been given). I don’t use that language at all, so it’s coming from peers at nursery but my god it’s hard to navigate.

YANBU

Now I have a daughter, I see more evil in the world and I am terrified for her.

DD is older and in her teens, I've found girls rugby to be fantastic. Youth rugby is mixed and non contact until Secondary age. Girls getting to use their body and physicality, playing in wind, rain and snow, covered head to toe in mud. That's not to say at the end of year awards evening some of them aren't dressed in mini dresses and wearing make up but there are many that aren't and that's what I want for DD, to have a choice in how she presents herself and to know she is tough and can do hard things. It's fantastic for body image too as there is a valued placed for the small and speedy just as there is the stocky and strong so value in the body's ability regardless of what it looks like

I've got two, both adults. You can't sit around worrying about shit like that. You bring them up to be as strong and confident as you can, and trust them!

Yeah I get that and to be fair it’s not like I sit and worry about this all day, every day. But it did suddenly hit me. I trust my DD, it’s the world out there that feels a bit sht sometimes.

This! The majority of men are good. You can’t live in fear. And don’t shut down conversations about gender, sexuality and consent, it’s important to be open from a young age

Come at it from the angle that you will lay the foundations of what decent human behaviour looks and feels like and so long as your lines of communication with her remain consistent and non-judgmental, she will always fill you in on concerns she has or worries. Then you'll support her through whatever you can.

My friends daughter is 7yo. She's been doing jiu jitsu since 4. She is very confident and super fit. I can 100 percent see her being able to defend herself if things come to this when she is older. Sport definitely helps. If I had a daughter, I'd be preparing her for the future. I don't think it's bright for women

The antidote is therapy for you

I say this as a mum to DD6. She is feisty as anything and I don't worry about her one bit. You can't control men. But you need therapy.

I've thought very consciously about the role model I am and others in her life. I 'amplify' anything that is helpful and downplay anything that's not. My language around bodies is focussed on being strong and healthy - I've put on weight and am going to the gym but I've talked about building muscles and how strong my bum is!! I don't wear make up or spend time preening / getting ready / hairdressers.

She plays rugby and YES to everything pp said about that. We watch a lot of women's sport at home. Stressing generally that even if something seems like it's for boys it isn't.

Keep her active, make it part of daily life to be involved in ideally team sports so that also stresses that bodies are for being healthy an active not looking pretty.

Encourage strong female friendships and give her the skills to be a good friend. Both mine teens and it’s all about the friends. The girls have each others backs and are fiercely loyal. The boys can’t hurt them because they are a tight block.

You're right to worry and it’s good to think about these things when your dd is still young. I’ve got two feisty young adult dds who take no shit but I remember thinking the same when they were born.

The main thing they benefitted from was positive male role models. Our family is full of lovely gentle supportive men so even when men in the wider world are largely shit, they know that’s not all men and they know what good men talk and behave like.

Secondly I’ve taught them from birth that they should know their worth and not put up with mistreatment from anyone. I never did the ‘be kind’ thing. Instead as a family we modelled a balance between respect for others and ourselves.

I think also you don’t sugar coat what they face out there. I never wanted them to be in a position where they were vulnerable or naive so told them in no uncertain terms about the nature of men and the world and we chaperoned them everywhere. (I still try to even now!)

They are now independent women of the world who work, and travel by themselves and go out and date etc. I hope I’ve done enough to teach them to protect themselves. They are confident and happy.

My biggest triumph in terms of protecting them is that they instinctively don’t put up with (male) bullshit and they don’t court male approval. They hold themselves to their own standards and because I’ve taught them from birth, they ALWAYS look where the safety exits are - physically and metaphorically.

You just have to protect her and deal with things as they happen. Help her to learn what is unacceptable. Did you speak to the mother of the boy ?

Build her self esteem, keep her active and interested in the world and people around her.

What's your dh like? The relationship you model and his interactions with her will play a big part too.

I think what saved us all or at least helped massively is having a loving home.. knowing parents worry about us. That we can come back home at any hour of the night drunk even though parents think we are having a sleep over

I just wanted to say I understand. It’s not til now when I’m in my mid 30s with young children that I’ve realised how much of a people pleaser and “good girl” I was raised to be.

im in a professional job and I even realised I’d instinctively think the white male was the most senior. Thought I had to be the ‘cool girlfriend’ and not challenge behaviour etc. it’s taken a lot of unpicking. Unfortunately altho I know these things are wrong, I feel so uncertain as to how to teach the right thing to my DD

For those suggesting I need therapy. I’ve had it, thank you. I feel pretty good within and about myself and my past. The feelings I have about DD and this subject are not from unresolved feelings about myself, just that naturally, personal experiences colour world view.

Of course I know ‘not all men’. DH is a perfect example of that. He is kind, supportive and champions both DD and myself.

Thank you to those who suggested a focus on women’s sports/exercise, promoting female friendships, a safe and empowering home environment and positive male role models. I am very motivated to make sure DD has a better foundation than I did and I this thread has helped me realise she does.

I just had a moment of looking at her little innocent sleeping face last night and was hit with emotion

One thing I've done op is send my dd to a girls school for secondary. Quite honestly I can't tell you how much happier I feel dropping her off in the morning knowing she's won't have to worry about inappropriate behaviour and comments from boys.

Make sure she knows the rights of her body and personal space (good age appropriate videos on NSPCC site etc) and how she has the right to be loud and clear about what she is and isn’t comfortable with, with anyone and she doesn’t need to stay quiet and uncomfortable to please someone else.

Tell her daily how funny, kind, thoughtful, strong, caring etc she is. Don’t focus on telling her how pretty etc she is.

Remind her that you are her save space and she can come to you with anything and you will always be there to help her and protect her.

That’s interesting to hear @Comedycook and something to consider. DH and I have spoken about it in the past and were pretty set on sending DD to a co-ed in time because we felt it was a little more like ‘real life’ for lack of a better term. I have also heard some first hand accounts from female friends who had some very toxic dynamics at their all girls school. I guess that could happen at any school though.
We still have some time to go until then though and I am very open to considering all sides.

I’m really glad it works for you and your DD.

No idea but I have the same worries.

Martial arts are a good idea.