I’m a bit lost having a DD

[SickOfThisSht]

Ok that was perhaps a bit of a dramatic title but I’m just lying here tonight looking at DD4 sleeping and wondering how the fck do I protect her?!

She had a birthday party recently and there was a boy who absolutely terrorised everyone. I’ve heard her talk about him in passing usually about him making this or that kid cry, pushing, her or someone else. I passed it off as kids being kids. Did an all class invite because I didn’t want to exclude anyone.

Then i saw it at her party and it just hit me with all sorts and guilt at not taking her passing comments more seriously. His mum was right there!! He pushed DD, pulled her, was in her face. Both me and DH had to step in so many times. And his mum was right there watching it all!

Then, I read local news and 3 out of 5 locally convicted people are men having committed horrible crimes against women.

Then DD is about to start school soon (preschool at present) and they ask about ‘gender identity’…i don’t bloody know, she’s 4 she doesn’t have one!

Then i have my own past filled with the serious (sa within family not fully out yet) and what I guess in my scale of serious would be termed not so much (ranging from continuous professional mansplaining to mildly coercive relationships).

What’s the antidote? I’ve signed her up to martial arts next term so she can gain some physical confidence and see just what girls can do. I just want her to have less people pleasing in her than I did (with the boy she just passively ignored him no doubt taking in the fact we’ve always taught her kind hands and that we don’t hit…although I would’ve been just fine with her ending whatever he was starting to be honest!) I want her to say ‘No’ with the confidence of an 80 year old that has no fcks to give. But how without turning her into a bulldozer that’s petrified of the world?!

Just chose safe life yourself, move to a safe area, come home on time, don't drink in pubs like a stray woman, keep the family occupied with sensible past times and concentrate on teaching her what is real, serious, responsible and tangible in life

Thanks for the input but I’m absolutely roaring at “…don’t drink in pubs like a stray woman…” 🤣
Accidentally walked back into 1943 🤣

Agree, it's so hard. They can start off being predators quite young, too. My daughter was only five and a boy on the school bus (the same age) groped her genitals, trying to stick his finger up her (fortunately not succeeding, she yelled and the bus driver intervened.)
After raising the issue with the bus company, the only thing they would offer me was that he would never be allowed to sit next to her on the bus. That wasn't nearly enough and I didn't trust them because of their casual attitude about it. So I started driving her to and from school. I was working night shifts then, so I was available, but my only time to sleep was during school hours and that cut into my sleep a lot, as the school was quite far away. It was well worth it, but why should we have to do things like that to protect our girls from attack? That boy's parents should have had to make other arrangements, not me.
He was also a bully in general and should have been expelled, but it was a special school for kids were cerebral palsy so nobody ever got expelled.
So finally his family moved, he was then on another bus and I thought my daughter would be safe, but my hopes were dashed. There was a new bus driver who I'm pretty sure was a pedophile. I caught him looking at my daughter with the creepy look on his face that perverts get when they're turned on and I just knew. It wasn't anything I could prove though. So back I went to driving.
It's exhausting what we have to do to avoid these vile deviants.
The rates of sexual abuse of disabled children are extremely high. My daughter has been unscathed, other than that one time with the creepy kid, which fortunately did not traumatize her.

I didn't want a girls' school for my daughters. I wanted them to grow up on a par with and at the very least equal to boys. Plus I also have a son. All three of them always knew that there were boundaries that no-one crossed. None of them ever had any issues at school or uni (and we're in final year with the 3rd one).

The eldest two have been very independent and travelled a lot. They studied at unis far away from home. One did a year of internships in London. The other spent a year in France and Spain, then did Study China for three weeks. They did so many activities when they were at school, excelling in Music (they were all shite at sport, like me!)

Unfortunately that was not my experience. I was very academic but very sheltered in many ways and didn't have a fraction of the opportunities in life that my children have had. I had a Saturday job from just before I turned 15, and unfortunately encountered more sexual abusers than I could ever have imagined (low level stuff, but still distressing). It didn't leave a lasting impact really - I'm quite pragmatic - but I don't forget. And I would literally kill anyone who dared to lay a lascivious finger on one of my children!!

@XChrome that boy should have been removed from the bus!

I think what you said about encouraging her to stand up for herself and not being a people pleaser.

This means you may have to change tack slightly from what you’ve taught so far. That’s what I had to do as well.

The MA is a good idea.

Maintain an open dialogue but equally you don’t want to place your own fears on to her.

I agree with girls rugby. My daughter is 9 and currently plays with the girls and the mixed team. They play full contact in both teams. The girls team has to play against boys teams in tournament because there’s not enough girls teams here. The mixed team is primarily boys with a couple of girls.

the girls are strong and fearless. The boys on my daughter’s team respect them. Like a pp said, all body types go in rugby so the slower stockier body types are as important as the smaller faster ones. The girls team often beats the boys teams in tournaments. The boys don’t treat them any differently.

when my daughter is high school, she won’t be able to play with the boys anymore but she has learnt she’s just as strong if not stronger and faster than some of them. She’s learning about the importance of difference body builds in different positions. And she feels good about herself and loves it.

I haven’t read the full thread - apologies - but has anyone quoted Madonna yet. She was once asked in an interview after her daughter was born what she would tell her daughter about men as she was growing up. She was silent for a moment then replied that if her daughter was raised with good self-esteem, then it wouldn’t be necessary to tell her anything about men.

I’ve no idea how Lourdes turned out, but I thought it was an excellent point.

I made sure my girls knew that nothing mattered more than their safety and wellbeing ( no ‘be kind’ rubbish) and bored them very much with question and answer sessions about what they’d do in different scenarios. They also did martial arts.

I do totally understand your concerns. As a mum of teens I've been relieved to find how well informed teenage girls are. The understanding of unacceptable male behaviour is way ahead of when I was their age. If they're fortunate with their friendship group it can provide real support in reinforcing behaviour which should not be accepted as the male 'norm'. It's also been about reinforcing the importance of boundaries, in particular that 'polite' responses should go straight out of the window if they feel in any way uncomfortable and how to communicate this directly.