I went to the Tavistock as a young person - AMA

[MAW1993]

I attended the Tavistock from 2008 to 2011, beginning when I was about 15. I made this post because I saw the many questions people asked on a previous AMA. Unfortunately, the OP was uncomfortable answering some of them, and I felt there may be a need for an AMA with someone who can be more open.

I know you said you haven't been in a relationship. Is that because you want male genitalia as you feel you need it to attract straight women, or would you feel only 'queer' people or kesbians woykd want a relationship with you, or is it just that you are still just unhappy with your body and don't want to show it to anyone?

It is because I am unhappy with my body. I don't want to show it to anyone, to see it myself, or to be touched in a sexual manner with the genitalia I have now. I did think about dating before transitioning, but it wasn't a motivator for me to do so. To be honest, I think it would have been much easier for me to have had sexual and romantic relationships if I was a lesbian woman, because there wouldn't have been the issue of needing to disclose my biological sex and the fear I have regarding the potential consequences of that. I don't mean to diminish the homophobia and discrimination that is faced by lesbians when I say that though.

In terms of whether straight women will want a relationship with me, I don't really know. I think it probably depends on the person. I have read accounts from people for whom it doesn't seem to be an issue, and other people for whom it is. It isn't very important to me what sexuality a partner would have, though if they were openly a lesbian I think that would pose difficulties as people would obviously have questions as to why we were dating. Ultimately, I hope that in the future I will find someone who I can love, and who can love me. I also would like to have meaningful sexual experiences, and I think that would be a lot easier for me if I had phalloplasty surgery.

Sorry if this has already been asked but do you think the rise in internet forums and trans groups has made it harder to distinguish between those parroting answers they know to be the 'right' (for want of a better word) answers and genuine feelings.

This is one element of the trans movement that concerns me. I think there has probably been a fairly stable number of those with body dysmorphophobia but that many others who are either NT or suffering other mental distress might become more easily swept up into it.

In similar ways to something like anorexia. There's a social contagion element and people are particularly vulnerable as their bodies change.

I just wonder how hard it is for professionals - or the individual - to know the difference.

To be honest I'm really not sure. I worry that it might be the case, and could result in vulnerable young people making decisions they live to regret. I have found it hard to identify with the narrative of a trans experience that is typically offered by young people today. The concept of gender identity feels very alien to me.

However, I know how difficult it has been for people to dismiss my own experiences. It might be that these young people have felt the same distress I did, but express it in a different way due to the social influences that exist now. It could also be that what they feel is different, but that their distress is just as acute and in need of addressing.

I can't say I have an easy answer for how one can easily tell whether transition is right for them. The main thing I have always recommended people is to try to do things that are less invasive, and see if they can be happy. Dress as you like, conform to gendered notions as much or little as it suits you, try out a new identity etc. It won't stop someone from medically transitioning in the future if their distress persists as mine did.

I’ve got another question.

You’ve explained your feelings very eloquently and I get why you chose surgery. Do you feel that there should be more of a distinction between people like you who have sex dysphoria and those who just want to live as the other sex but not have surgery?

I'm not sure to be honest. To some degree there is a distinction between someone who has sex dysphoria and feels they have to change their body and someone who does not. But equally many of the experiences faced will be shared by both groups.

I can't say I truly understand the experiences of someone who makes the decision on those grounds, or how it is to have the underlying feeling they do. However, I also know many people would say the same of me. Overall, I'm not sure whether it would be better to distinguish the two in terms of how we conceptualise or manage the distress, but regardless I think everyone should be treated with compassion.

I think it isn't helpful to characterise it as a failure. In an ideal world we would have a treatment that would resolve the distress without someone needing to make drastic changes to their body. But for me personally, I never managed to find that solution.

As far as I can see my mum is happy now. She was very distressed in the beginning, and it is possible she is still hiding unhappiness from me. However, I feel I am generally quite an intuitive person, and we have such a close relationship that we can read one another like a book. I think I would be able to tell if she was still unhappy about the situation. My mum was distraught by what happened to me when I was younger, but it is what it is and the only option was to find a way to come to terms with it and move on with our lives.

I know my life seems very odd in many ways, but in other ways it is very mundane and normal. I talk to my friends, spoil my dog, watch rubbish tv and have goals and dreams I hope to accomplish.

I can't deny that I crave the experience of a romantic relationship and I hope that is something I can have in the future. I do wonder how my life would have been had I not made the choice I did. However, I wasn't able to see another way forward, and despite everything, I am happier today than I was before.

I don't think it is accurate to say I am delusional, though you are entitled to your opinion. I have never believed that I am biologically male, I simply have always possessed a deep desire to be so.

OP going back to a couple of points you made earlier, first I am so sorry to hear about your assault.
regarding the uni of York research, I have some knowledge of research and data protection and it doesn’t sound to me that they’ve followed regulations about the purposes of data processing. You gave your details for one purpose, they’ve been used for another. But perhaps this is something you’d rather step away from at this point.

anna the OP has replied on their own behalf. You are sharing your thoughts about how you might feel as the mother of a trans child. I am the mother of a trans child. To some degree o can understand your thoughts because I think I may have shared some of your perspectives initially. I’d just like to say that the further I get along the journey with my child, the more understanding and insight I gain. Above all, I am supremely proud of my trans son for his courage and integrity. I don’t know if I’d have the same courage to live my truth. As
many people have said, OP has come across extremely well on this thread and I’d like to guess that OP’s mum is also incredibly proud of their child.

anna this thread has been refreshingly respectful so far. Please don’t change that. The op has given you a measured and respectful response, he deserves the same in return.

Anna, I do have some understanding of your views because as I said, that’s where I started out. I am just trying to explain that for me (and maybe OP’s mum…but I’m just guessing) there has been a shift in my views. Of course, on one level I would rather my daughter’s experience had been straightforward and that like me, she was completely happy being female - because that would be more straightforward for her. But she’s dressed as a boy since she was four, she’s not that person. You love your kids unconditionally, so I have to love her as a trans person too. It’s really hard to explain. We have tried to see your perspective, can you also try to see the OP’s?

You could at least have had the courtesy to properly read all of OP's posts, @Annabanananaa

The sexual assault happened after the poster had transitioned and, horrifically, after (because?) he had been outed by someone he trusted. You are twisting what happened to fit your narrative.

You’re not necessarily wrong but this thread isn’t really the place for it is it. The OP has opened a vulnerable part of herself anonymously to share and you’ve kind of stuck the knife in

@Annabanananaa The OP is in his 30s, has been living as a man for over a decade, has made irreversible changes to his body, and is happier than he was before. He transitioned before the big wave of young people wanting to transition today. Everyone in his life knows him as a man. I highly doubt the opinion of a random poster on Mumsnet who is convinced he's made the wrong decision is going to change anything.

Both Dr Cass and Hannah Barnes (author of "Time to Think") acknowledge that dysphoria is very real and that for a small number of people transitioning will be the right decision.

I am finding this thread very interesting and insightful and am grateful to the OP for answering people's questions. Please don't spoil it.

OP I hope you are feeling OK if you’ve caught up with the latest on the thread. Thank you again for all the insight you’ve shared so far.

Hi @MAW1993, I just want to thank you for this hugely interesting and informative AMA. I’ve learned so much and I really appreciate everything you’ve said. You write beautifully and so eloquently. I also work for the NHS in a senior clinical role and although I’ve never cared for a trans person, that day will come and I know that this thread will have helped me when this happens.

I used to work with a very openly male - female trans person. She talked a lot about her journey and the procedures she had had. Like you, she had a very supportive mum but it had been incredibly tough along the way.

I wish you all the very best and good luck with your medical training!

@Annabanananaa
Did you entirely miss the part where @MAW1993 said he felt disgust at his own genitalia from being a small child? And has had to live with that loathing until he could do something about it?
You come across as very opinionated and are spoiling what has been an insightful and balanced thread so far.
I hope @MAW1993 ignores your "private message". How dare you interfere, when he is clearly happy living the life he felt he should have been living all along! It may not be quite perfect for him yet in various aspects, but he's working on that. And that is nobodies business but his, quite frankly!
What do you do in your spare time? Run aversion therapy classes for homosexuals?!
I'd suggest you refrain from further comment, you clearly haven't read the entire thread and are coming across as very ignorant, bigoted and ill informed.

I think there have always been a tiny number of genuinely trans people. I think statisticall its about 0.01% of the population. I think it must be a mental health condition, like body dysphoria and anorexia, and needs to be treated as such. I think the problem with what Stonewall/Mermaids etc have done is that they have conflated a serious mental health condition as the same as being Gay- probably deliberately, and have included cross dressers into their definition. In the process erasing single SEX attracted people (because if sex isnt important, why does it matter if people are single sex attracted. The very people they were founded to help in the case of Stonewall. I believe this has diluted the distress that is clearly caused by transsexual(?) people and has made it less likely that they and others with medical conditions oand nD conditions can get treatment for their actual condition. Obviously the distress the OP has felt about his vagina is not felt by the transwomen who retain their penis's and have a 'girl dick', call themselves lesbians and want to have PIV sex with women. They just have a fetish, and are engaging in the age old male fantasy of Lesbian 'conversion'.
Also the social contagion in schools with girls in entire friend groups transitioning. It cannot be the case that suddenly all the girls in a particular friend group have the OP's level of distress about their bodies. Interesting OP calls his condition sex dysphoria rather than gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is surely being unhappy with the social constructs around gender. That doesn't mean you are in the wrong body. It means the social constructs are wrong. Which is what feminists have been saying for probably 100 years!

@DramaLlamaBangBang I agree with all of your post except that (as the OP confirms) she is a female she and not a male he. This is very very important. Even those with genuine severe sex/body dysphoria cannot actually change their sex, they can only change their outward sexual characteristics and attempt to live as they believe that sex lives (if they want to), like the op has done. She clearly recognises that she is a female, but that most people are unaware of this.