I went to the Tavistock as a young person - AMA

[MAW1993]

I attended the Tavistock from 2008 to 2011, beginning when I was about 15. I made this post because I saw the many questions people asked on a previous AMA. Unfortunately, the OP was uncomfortable answering some of them, and I felt there may be a need for an AMA with someone who can be more open.

I haven’t deleted or reported your posts and have no idea why you think so? Presumably your newer comments (which I haven’t read) were considered to be offensive by others?

@Annabanananaa Your absolute total disrespect and disregard of the pronoun @MAW1993 would prefer to be referred to as, tells us all we need to know about you, thank you. As does your total lack of understanding, with regards to your last comment.
So yes, deleting your account is the best option all round in my opinion. This is an AMA post, not a platform for you to refer to gender issues as some sort of "cult". God help anyone who needs you in a professional capacity!

I'm extremely gender critical but I think there's a time and a place for comments such as yours and I don't think this is it. Please remember that you are talking to a real person who has been through a lot.

dear OP

Over the gable of Apollo’s temple in Delphi were written two aphorisms
’Know yourself ‘ and ‘Nothing in excess’.

You have fulfilled the first to a remarkable degree, I wish that most of the ‘normies’ could have achieved such insight. For the second, I hope that your desire to resemble your ‘true self’ can be achieved with that in mind.

Bless you.

Glad @Annabanananaa's comments are being deleted. No place for them.

This is a great post. Thanks @Allthegoodnamesarechosen.

Take care, OP. I really appreciated all your posts. Wishing you serenity, and belly laughs.

I wanted to thank you all for the kind comments. I was going to reply to Anna's questions as I thought she may have raised issues other people were curious on. However, I can see they have been deleted now. If people do want to know the answers to some of the questions that she asked please do feel free to ask them again.

By taking some time out I didn't intend it to inhibit open debate or make people scared to ask questions that they thought might offend me. I just still have a lot of difficulty surrounding the assault and it was difficult for me that a lot of focus was placed on it and in quite graphic terms.

However, I do know that some people fear that transition is linked to abuse or neglect, and I don't want that to be a topic people feel is off limits. I can talk more about the assault or its details and how it relates to me and my transition, if people have further questions related to it. That said, I do want to say that I have been honest throughout, and it felt unfair for Anna to claim I had lied in relation to the time and context that it occurred within. I appreciate it can be hard to take anyone's word for granted over the internet, but an AMA in which I was dishonest would truly be an exercise in futility.

@MAW1993 ❤️

I agree that it is grossly unfair that the degree to which people are allowed to have agency over their body is so often dictated by who they are and societal opinion. However, I think you must have only really heard one side of the debate to argue that transitioning is cheered on. I can't say that has been my experience, and although attitudes are changing there are still many people who disagree with it today.

In terms of trans men and your ability to tell, I do wonder whether some confirmation bias is at play. If you already are aware that someone is trans, it is easy to look for things about their body that confirm that. Equally, where you do not know if someone is trans, the only trans people you will notice will be those for whom it is apparent. Have you ever considered that you may have met trans people, without ever realising?

I know many here will probably think I am just deluding myself. However, I must be honest that when people pick up on the fact that you are trans, they are rarely discreet about it. It was very apparent to me early in my transition that people were staring and wondering, and it was common for people to ask if were a man or a woman. The fact that I have not experienced that in many years makes me think it is unlikely that people are still wondering about me.

I hope to become a professional who will inspire trust and faith in any patient. However, I appreciate that in a potentially vulnerable situation, a patient may be uncomfortable being treated by someone whose experiences are very different than their own. I'm saddened to hear that you feel I wouldn't understand you or your body. Clearly, no one can understand the views or experiences of another in the same way that that individual can. However, I always try to consider the views and feelings of others, and be empathetic to the needs they have. No matter what, I have absolutely no desire to enforce my presence on a patient who feels uncomfortable with me.

I understand that many people feel betrayed by transition. The fear that I would make my family feel ashamed and betrayed was a large factor in why it was so hard to articulate my feelings when I was younger. However, I can't say that I agree with the implication that the decisions made by an individual about their own life and body should come secondary to the feelings of others. Whilst nothing we do exists in a vacuum, ultimately a person has just one life, and in the end we can only live it in the way we feel is best.

I also wanted to say that my choice to transition was not down to a dislike of the lesbian community. To the contrary, whilst it wasn't for very long, when I did live an openly lesbian girl I found a wonderful community who were incredibly accepting and kind. That community and the sense of belonging is something I miss. However, whilst it had great benefit for me in that sense, it did not relieve my sex dysphoria.

I am very grateful that women like you exist to support young girls in finding their place in a world that too often devalues them. I have said this before, but I will reiterate - if a young person with sex dysphoria can find a way to come to terms with it, and live a happy life as a gender non-conforming or LGB person, then that is a preferable option.

Thank you so much. Fortunately there was forensic evidence and he was imprisoned.

Thank you for your kindness. I am still working on the second principle. I am trying to be less extreme in my fear of disclosure and learn to be less secretive. This is the first time I have ever spoken openly about my transition since I was a teenager. I know it is anonymous, but it still feels like a big step. I'm not sure I will ever feel ok with being open with everyone, but maybe I will be able to tell a few people I am very close to in the future. It would be nice not to have to hide from everyone but my family.

Op how do you feel having shared? Is there any sense of relief or positivity in that for you?

Can I ask, when someone with anorexia looks in a mirror and says I am thin, the health professionals say no you are not, and spend time treating them so they accept their reality and can become accepting of it.

Why is it not the same as to when a trans person says they are the other sex? Why do we now push towards changing their body rather than trying to help them accept their reality?

The only difference I can see is that encouraging anorexia can end in death but encouraging changing your body does not, so it became an option.

Do you not think you could have had help to accept your body?

Thanks for your replies, I've found it really interesting.

@indianwoman Ive asked a similar question upthread. Im paraphrasing but essentially the psychological services OP received were inadequate and physical transition should be a last resort.

Well, that’s great that you have taken this step and shared anonymously OP. I so hope that it might open the door a little for you to share more in future.

i can imagine that your hunch about whether others ‘guess’ or not is likely to be correct - especially if you have previously had experience of not passing. My trans child passes extremely well, a memory that makes me smile is when she told me she overheard young girls walking past commenting on what an attractive lad she was. Many people don’t guess she is a trans boy rather than cos.
Sorry about the mixed up pronouns, it’s one of the things I’m still getting my head round.

You are so articulate OP - have you ever thought about writing a book or blog?

Sorry that’s cis not cos

Thank you for this thread, it's very enlightening to read such an articulate response to questions.

I have a question if that's ok?
When you are filling out a survey or form and it asks "gender", what do you choose?
If the question said "sex" rather than gender would you put female?

I know there is usually a "prefer not to state" choice, so I was wondering if you usually pick that?

Yes, I did not expect people to be kind as they have, even those coming from very different life experiences than my own.

In particular, I have always worried that I am someone who is not loveable or will be able to find a partner. It has felt very cathartic to see people say they don't think that is the case and that I will find someone I can build a life with in the future. I hope they are right.

As @FlexIt explained, I have answered a similar question, though I appreciate there are many posts to keep up with. To answer quickly, I think there are similarities in our experiences of distress. However, I think there are some key differences which include the potential outcome as you mentioned. On top of that, I also think it is unlikely that such an approach would provide relief to someone with anorexia. My understanding is that people continue to feel distressed and that they are overweight even as they become thinner. I hope I am not overgeneralising the experience of anorexia though, as I do not have personal experience of suffering it.

I did receive a number of interventions with different specialists to try and address my dysphoria before medical transition. Unfortunately, I did not find they changed how I felt. I do share concern after reading accounts from detransitioned people who explained they were offered medical intervention early and without thorough psychological treatment or investigation. I have spoken about that in more detail in previous comments, if you would find that helpful.

Thank you and I am glad it has been interesting for you.

Thank you for your supportive comments throughout, I really appreciate your kindness. I understand about the pronouns, it was very difficult for my mother too. I hope that you are being given grace and understanding, because it is not an easy thing for any parent.

I have never really been very involved with writing or social media, but it has been very flattering that people have commended my way of writing. Really I have just tried to answer honestly, and to also be clear that I do not have all the answers.

A million times, this.

It depends a lot on the context, and whether I think it will risk exposing my status.

If it is related to a health matter then I will either state female, write it within a comment box, or tell the health professional when I see them.

For other situations I will choose 'prefer not to state' when it is available. Sometimes there is an option to state trans man, but that isn't common. If the only options are male and female then I will state female for anonymous surveys, and male for those that contain identifiable information.

I'd just like to add to the voices saying thank you @MAW1993 . This thread is very interesting. You sound lovely, and I wish you every happiness.

I’m really moved that you said you didn’t feel loveable upthread OP. There is lots of love for you on this thread! I hope there is someone out there for you in the future.
And yes, I do feel met with grace and understanding from my child. I know she appreciates the support from me and my wider family. We all think she is great and I have always been moved at her ability and bravery to be herself (it’s not always been easy for her
and has caused a lot of unhappiness for her in the past).

Wow this thread has been so interesting. I read Mumsnet quite often but have made an account just to post. I must say I have always thought transgender as quite odd and it made me uncomfortable. You have completely opened my eyes on it all and it has opened my heart to the difficulty people have.

I have quite a lot of questions, if it’s ok? Some are very personal and if you don’t want to answer them then I completely understand.

1 Am I right in understanding you have never had sex? If so is that something you regret and do you think you will try it before you get surgery to make a penis?

2 Someone here corrected another poster and said you should be called ‘she’ because you are female. Do things like that hurt your feelings or make you feel worse about yourself, or does it not bother you?

3 Do you think you would be open about who you are with your friends by now if you hadn’t suffered such an awful thing after someone was told you were transgender?

4 Do you agree that there are some transvestites and trans woman who seem quite predatory and like it is a sexual fetish? I have met some who made me feel very uncomfortable and I think that is why I always felt something was off about transgender in general.

5 If you have to go to the doctor do you prefer to be seen by a man or a woman? Most people prefer someone who is the same sex as them but I don’t know if you’d see that as being a man or a woman as you still have some female body parts.

6 Finally, what was it like to go through a police investigation and medical treatment as a transgender person? Were the staff understanding and kind? Do you feel like you had more shame because you already hated your body parts? Also more generally, you said that some of the medical staff you have been treated by were not respectful. How do you mean and can you give examples? What are things that people can do that is more respectful?

Thank you OP and I hope you are happy in your life now 🤗 ❤️