Some people feel threatened by independent women?

[Sooooootired01]

What do you think?

I've noticed this, especially in some men. I guess they feel their masculinity is wrapped up in being the "big guy", the sole provider etc? But I also think it rings true for some women as well?

Me too! Thanks 🙏 😁

From personal experience "strong independent women" exhibit most of the characteristics we would all agree make a man a vile human being.

If women want to replicate something from men I'm not sure why it would be these characteristics.

I'm a man (for context), and I am married to one of these strong, independent, 'empowered' (feminist, even though she says she isn't) women.

Swings and roundabouts.

I love that she is capable, she earns more than me, and she is very decisive and competent (she's a director). I'm very proud of her.

The negatives are when there are arguments. She has, on numerous occasions, thrown out the phrase when angry "I don't need you"... and it hurts like you wouldn't believe. It's belittling and demeaning. I'm an equality person. We split things 50:50. If anything, I do more of the housework, I do all the shopping, cooking, DIY, and the rest is either a cleaner, or evenly split.

I think everyone needs to feel 'needed' in a relationship. Independence is amazing, and I encourage every woman to strive for it, but it shouldn't be weaponised.

All too often, when a guy has success he starts thinking of bigger homes, nicer holidays, making family life better. When a woman has success she starts questioning if she needs the guy.

Anyone who thinks they're independent is probably delusional, society is based on mutual support and services 🤣

I think what's being referred to is more like knowing one's worth and how to use it effectively, supplemented with good communication and negotiation skills to collaborate.

Relationships, intimate or otherwise, often include skills in addition to all that so I'd be careful about assumptions that negative reactions are connected with someone fits the above description. They might be, they might instead point to something that deserves self reflection

@Laidbackguy So what would you think about a woman being the sole earner in her family whilst the man stayed at home/had time to go socialising etc?
Because this is true of many households but with the roles reversed?

My ex had 3 years off with our son followed by another 2 years part time. We did it this way mainly because I earned more and had much worse paternity rights at work.

If the shoe was on the other foot I'd have happily been a stay at home dad.

I work away and on a roughly equal time basis and i was very much the main care giver when on leave.

@Laidbackguy You say your ex? How do you share care now?

We still do 50/50, she's chosen to not see him for the 3/4 weeks I'm home, which is inline with what he wanted. They sometimes have an evening together.

@Laidbackguy I hope she's not expecting you to pay maintenance in that case?

It certainly wouldn't be unusual for a guy to have to pay spousal maintenance even when its 50/50. I've never quibbled over any expense relating to our son.

@Laidbackguy There is no child maintenance due if true 50/50. My ex-husband and I shared 50/50 for a decade. He's in a 1 mill property complete with swimming pool and I'm still in privately rented.
But fair play for you for being a decent parent.

CSA isn't due but plenty of guys get stuck handing over spousal maintenance which is different.

@Laidbackguy I know; I'd have been due this had ex not been a chartered accountant and knew exactly how to very skilfully hide his money.

I think this attitude is quite disturbing and exactly what the thread was getting at in the first place. Why do you want to feel "needed"? Partners should not be like a dependent child. In a healthy relationship you are together because you both want to be, and enhance each other's lives, not because you need to be. That is co-dependence and is the reason that so many people stay in unhealthy relationships.

Obviously nobody is an island and everybody relies on other people, it is how society functions. But the moment you feel you "need" a specific person and could not function without them, you know you have a problem. This is also a key problem with the "nuclear family" social model and people having very narrow support networks from extended friends and family. Being dependent on a partner to the extent you "need" them should be avoided at all costs because then a relationship has ceased to be a free choice, and this is where a lot of unhappiness and resentment and misery comes from.

I'm not saying this is the case in your relationship, for clarity! Clearly your wife has her head screwed on about this so has resisted falling into co-dependency. But your comment really struck me in that you feel hugely hurt because she doesn't want to be in a harmful co-dependent situation and instead is with you because she chooses to be, not because she has to be. Yet you state that you see this as a bad thing! This makes no sense to me at all. Why on Earth would you want her to "need" you? If she did, she wouldn't be the independent woman that you say you love.

I guess the answer to the OP's original question is "do bears shit in the woods?"

Why do you want to feel "needed"? Partners should not be like a dependent child.

I think this is a little different because his wife specifically told him "I don't need you", which is a deliberately hurtful thing to say. OK, later in his post he said "everyone wants to feel needed" but still.
I do think everyone who's in a partnership likes to feel they mean something to the other person though that would vary from not being able to function without them, to enjoying their company and liking having them around.
To be told you are not needed by a partner would be very hurtful.

Someone meaning something to you and needing them are two different things.

Hahaha love your post ! It's so true ! Men are users , I fancy them but don't like them much . Keep your own place and stay single and enjoy them ( men ) but at a safe emotional distance .

I’m single, child free and have my own home. Nobody thinks I’m “masculine”!

@TypingoftheDead Unfortunately I think some people still associate "masculinity" with being the financial provider.
If we earned enough my hubby would become a "house husband" tomorrow and look after our little one ft, and I would continue in my career.
He's a legend ❤️

I don't know if people are threatened so much as mystified, they find it hard to imagine being single, being financially independent and being pretty independent (though as someone else has said, everyone depends a little on others, I do on my family and my friends occasionally). The couple thing is so strong it's hard for people to imagine life without it. I didn't want to imagine life without it, but now I have to so I just get on with it.

As for some men being 'threatened' by people who earn more than them, for sure, they are also threatened by men who do but it's easier for them to display anger or joke about it to women.

I'm widowed! As I say, I'm a married widow. My 2nd husband passed unexpectedly 6 years ago. He was and is the love of my life, the dad he didn't have to be to our four and grandpa to 5.

Backstory is long and big. I won't go into it. I was 56 when he passed. My husband was 60.

There were a few people who didn't believe me when I said I'm not interested in another relationship. I'm still married.

Men who think you need sex. One friend husband tried it on. He was given short sharp shrift. He always wary around me now.

My best answer, which I still use as necessary, is to ask the person who they have lost. I will usually know enough. The idea just came out of my head one day.

For example, I will say, "Tell me you've lost your mom." they say yes, looking puzzled. My retort is "When are you going out to get a new mom then?"

I smile, wink, and walk off, leaving them, looking mortified. Case made. Case rested, I say.

I belong to a couple of mixed fellowships of people. The older men are certainly wary around me as they know I won't take there sh*t and I don't just mean in a sexual way.

The only man/men I want in my life are my late husband, 3 adult sons, and grandchildren, of which 3 of them are boys