Teenager refused toilet for heavy bleeding

[greasypolemonkeyman]

I'm wait hoping that somebody can help me.

My teenage daughter has horrific periods and is currently under investigation for it with the DRs etc. She has a toilet pass issues by the school.

Today she leaked as she sat down in her last lesson. She raised her hand with the teacher who fully knows her issues and was told to go to reception and ask for the toilet to be opened. The toilets were locked and are always locked apart from break and lunch time. Two different members of reception staff refused to open the toilet for her as that's not "process". Plus there were boys waiting to use the use the toilets and so they had priority over her even thigh the toilets are separate sex.

. She started bleeding through her clothes and they still refused. She had to call my adult daughter who got a change of clothes and at the point my eldest arrived the deputy head had just allowed her to go to now unlocked toilet.

My adult daughter gave her a change of clothing and told her to get her stuff, she wasn't staying in a school that knew about her issues and had even issued a toilet pass, but still denied her access to the toilet when she had blood soaking her clothing and rubbing down her legs. It was 25 minutes before the end of the school day at this point.

Where do stand with this? Surely toilet access when you have gynaecological issues, a girl takes priority in going to the toilet over a bunch of boys? The reception staff just kept repeating that it's proccess and so that's that. In the mean time my youngest daughters uniform looks like she's been butchered and she is devastated that this was discussed so loudly by reception staff sitting as she was stood with blood running down her legs and pulling in her socks and shoes.

Awful. While I am sure there are people who have abused their privileges, to see her in distress and keep repeating about process is disgusting. Your poor daughter, thank god her sister could go with some more clothes and she did not have to go home like that.

Presumably the Process was the receptionist only unlocking one toilet block at a time - so the boys toilets, then the girls, as necessary?

Going in all guns blazing talking about sexism and misogyny won’t help your daughter.

I'd emphasise the medical condition the school was informed of - and yes how they plan to accommodate this going forward and I'd want a reminder to reception staff that this is medical information./condition and should be dealt with privately and with compassion.

Honestly how horrible of them.

I agree, don't mention the boys, you have no idea why they were allowed to go ahead, they could have medical issues too and there's no way the school would tell you, but even if they didn't it isn't relevant in this case. The school knew of your DDs issues in advance so they have questions to answer. Although I would also say, you shouldn't need to have diagnosed issues around menstruation to be allowed access to a toilet, you can hardly hold it in.

What disgusting misogyny

That’s ridiculous! What sort of rule is that! My son says the girls in his class just leave the room if they need to toilet and the boys have to ask! Girls should have priority boys probably just messing about or stinking out the toilet! Honestly some schools have silly rules

To me even locking them is crazy. I know bad behavior goes on in toilets in schools (smoking, skiving, messing about) but that can be dealt with with proper patrolling of the school. Imagine if a child needs to get in there quickly (like OPs daughter or a child feeling unwell) and the door is locked.

That's disgraceful. As someone who suffered from horrendously heavy, flooding periods for years, I have every sympathy with your DD.

Surely the point of the toilet pass is to prevent this sort of indignity for girls such as your DD. That means that toilets need to be quickly and easily available. The school failed miserably here and I'd want to know how they plan to improve things going forward.

There is no budget to allow staffing this. If it's a big secondary school with multiple toilet areas you would need a whole team of people on patrol.

The issue that needs to be resolved is that behaviour in so many schools has degenerated to the point that toilets cannot feasibly be left unlocked in the school day, without seriously risking pupil harm & property damage.

Can you imagine working somewhere like that? Where the toilets are unlocked three times a day because otherwise you might get hurt going in there, or maybe they'll be destroyed by the end of the day? This is the reality in a lot of schools in the UK right now.

I'd be beyond angry. I'm sorry your DD had to deal with this on her own. Well done to your other daughter for helping.

How would their process have worked if someone needed to be sick?

And why were there multiple boys out of lessons anyway to make a queue?

Agree with others that this is appalling and you should raise a very serious formal complaint and also take legal advice with a view to suing. The reception staff should be suspended immediately under gross misconduct.

On an aside, I cannot believe toilets are locked. This would be just as serious if a pupil was forced to wet or soil themselves. Issues around behaviour in toilets should be solved via supervision- toilet attendant or regular checking- not denying people access to toilets at any time.

This.
I am sure the staff toilets are not locked!
Imagine in a workplace where there might be pregnant women, people with bladder issues, people with crohn’s or similar, etc, etc, with the toilets locked and the employees needing to ask their boss to go. Even prisoners in custody get access to a toilet. The OP’s daughter demonstrates that the system doesn’t work - in an emergency these young people need to know they can get to one quickly and the school have failed and humiliated this poor girl with a very delicate medical condition.

@Superlambaanana Regular supervision requires staff we can't afford.

Schools really are caught between a rock and a hard place. Clearly this incident was completely wrong and the girl should have been allowed to the toilet. But there are multiple children in a schools who use and abuse toilet passes. Schools have few powers to deal with those children, and sadly the sizeable minority ruin it for the rest.

I worked in a school which left a toilet block open for 2 hours unsupervised and there was 3k worth of damage done. No cctv in the toilet (obviously) and approx 50 children had been in, so which ones do you charge for the damage?

Correct. This is one of the (many ) reasons why there is so much school anxiety, and ny daughter, for one, cannot attend school.

Unfortunately, the nature of schools means that they can’t be run the same way homes are.

Toilets are totally fraught and you will either get absence in lessons as pupils arrange to meet in loos (as you can’t have CCTV) or you don’t allow pupils out in lessons and it seems incredibly harsh,

And, in state schools at least, you just can’t budget the staffing for continual toilet inspections.

But that doesn’t mean that the school got it right. individual problems need to be discussed and solved, as your daughter deserves a safe and dignified education. Just arrange a meeting with her tutor and pastoral head/head of year and ask how they can put a safe and assured process in place for your daughter.

I do also think an apology from the receptionist to your daughter would be kind and helpful.

100% make a complaint. I am guessing it's an academy so there's little accountability and you can't involve the local authority? They are usually the schools with the most ludicrous rules.

But they certainly need to be considering their duties regarding the Equality Act and disability and sex.

Maybe you could approach the EHRC. A local law firm might be happy to send a letter to the school on a pro bono basis, too.

Schools really are caught between a rock and a hard place. Clearly this incident was completely wrong and the girl should have been allowed to the toilet. But there are multiple children in a schools who use and abuse toilet passes

That is irrelevant. The law is clear, and you don't get to avoid reasonable adjustments because someone might go in and vape. Come on, the OP's daughter has medical evidence she needs reasonable adjustments. There is zero excuse for this practice.

She hasn't gone into school today. She won't be going back until they can assure her and me that this won't happen. I'm not asking for toilet access 24/7 but for the first 3 days of her period. She's losing an estimated 400-600ml over 6 days and the worst is always day 2-3. The school are fully aware that she has issues, she tried the pill which made her balloon and then the implant which made her suicidal and had to be removed under the suggestion of the psychiatrist as she was about to be hospitalised . We know she has a progesterone sensitivity as she was back to normal within 3 days of it being removed. I also have the same sensitivity and only came to realise this after 30 years of struggling with horrific irregular periods, endo and PCOS , when I started HRT two years ago. So I'm done with ME being fobbed off and dismissed, I will not be letting this happen to my youngest kiddo.

I've repeatedly spoken to the head of year and deputy head about this. They both agreed with me that she needs a toilet pass for her period but said it was not ok to track her cycle so they would issue a term pass. She has not abused this once, she only uses it on her period.

This is not an academy, it's a Catholic engineering college/high school. I've called them this morning and made an initial complaint. I couldn't do it yesterday as I was so angry I couldn't have held my temper in. I will be writing a further email today asking what they plan to do to make sure this doesn't happen again.

As someone else who is given a whole lot more problems by hormonal contraception/ attempts at cycle control, that first part is really hard. I hope there will be something that does offer some help.

Well done with the rational emailing. Not sure I could have done the same, but thinking of you as this opens the complaint stages.

@greasypolemonkeyman good luck - I've always found a written or e-mail complaint got further than a phone call with schools.

They really do need to apologise and ensure your DD isn't adversely affected again and I don't blame you for keeping her home - and if their polices aren't working at ground level as they are supposed to they need to fix that as soon as possible.

You should remove her from that school and find a place run by adults who are competent to be in positions of responsibility over children.

OP just wishing you strength, luck and a cool head for the upcoming confrontation with the school. Those receptionists ought to be sacked, really, and your daughter deserves an apology.

I'm sorry your daughter has had these struggles with contraception, too. It's just unconscionable that school are adding to her stress so completely unnecessarily. Though sadly - having a daughter with MH issues - I'm not surprised.

She won’t need to be told that the staff in question have been fired. This will be obvious once they stop coming to work at that school. I would make clear that this step would help the school avoid an embarrassing and expensive lawsuit, with the accompanying media coverage. This is the kind of incident that could easily effect the public’s perception of the school, and by extension enrollment levels and funding.

There are certain people who simply cannot be trusted with even the smallest level of authority over others. They lack the competence, basic decency or in this case both.

School deputy head has just called me. She says

-my daughter asked for toilet access but was told that she needed to get her afternoon mark in class first.

-it was 3 minutes from request to toilet access.

But

I've checked her classes and the classroom was a 3 minute walk away from reception and then get a mark and 3 minutes back to reception. So that can't have happened.

She said it was vital for safeguarding that she got her afternoon mark and surely I could see that in case of fire etc? I said this was a safeguarding AND dignity issue as my daughter had leaked all over her underwear, tights and it had spread to the lining of her skirt. If she had been an adult that couldn't access toilet in a workplace then this would be something the newspapers would be interested in, especially as I have photos of the bloodied clothing. That this was a sexual discrimination case as boys were lining up for access.

Anyway. We can't agree and I'm taking it further. My eldest daughter lives 8-10 minute drive away and she heard the tail end of the fallout in receptions corridor so it could not possibly have been 3 minutes ? I've told them that from now on I will be keeping her off school on the heaviest 2-3 days of her period and she will complete set work at home. I have asked that all of her teachers be made aware of these issues and special consideration be given when she is in school and on her period. She was shocked, said what about her privacy? I said I think dignity, not bleeding all the way down your tights and into your shoes, is more important than privacy and she's not ashamed that she had periods even though the school seem to be encouraging them to ignore menstrual disasters and sex based toileting needs.

She then encouraged me to get yet more paid for proof from her GP so they can apply to the exam board for a toilet pass to the toilets they admitted are locked and can't take her to 😂🤷🏼‍♀️😬. I just said I'd send in adult sized nappies and they could change her on the floor like a giant baby with no sanitary autonomy. She didn't like that, was shocked at my even suggesting it. And when I said where SHOULD she change it then if the toilets are locked? And she agreed it seemed odd.

I can't WAIT for her to leave this god awful high school. She's just been accepted into a very good college to do economics, law , psychology and business studies and she is actually excited they keep the toilets unlocked. It's just awful.