Male boss told me I can't have children and a career

[AnonLady7]

Hello! Name changed for this - I had my first baby (DS1) this year and when I told my boss I was pregnant he said I wouldn't be able to have children and do my career, and I "wouldn't want to ever come back to work". Then when I went on mat leave he made my role redundant. I've had legal advice/challenged it and been awarded compensation for maternity discrimination...

However, aside from the legality of it all, the whole thing has really knocked my confidence. I was very career driven (and good at it) before having my DS1, now I'm jobless and when I'm going for interviews for new roles I keep thinking about the things my boss said. How I'll never manage it.

Are there ladies out here who have successfully managed families and career? I'm looking for a bit of inspiration really after having such a knock. DP is planning to take some paternity leave once I get a new job and I very much want to go back to work soon. I love my baby, but also love my career. Would appreciate any stories/handhold/advice! Xxx

I think it would be helpful if you said which industry/sector you work in. People will be able to give you more relevant advice if they know that. I work in the charity sector and although it is relatively family friendly, I'm one of the few that work full time with a toddler. I feel it's mainly because of their own preferences but in some roles there's very long distance travel involved so this is where things get a bit tricky for us. But that's a particularity of our jobs. Yours might have its own "quirks"... In any case, don't let this misogynistic idiot get to you!

Boss is a fucking idiot. You can have both if you want both. My career has gone well since my child came along as I made choices which made sense for our family and which have thankfully paid off. Things just take a lot more thought and careful planning. They also take a hell of a lot of strategising so child doesn't feel pushed aside and so you're able to meet work demand.

I did and know many others who did too. Your ex boss is a tit.

Of course it's possible. I know so many women with successful professional careers and a family- solicitors, doctor, accountant, psychologist, social workers, economist etc.

Of course there are plenty of women, you can see them all around in plenty of different careers. Your ex-boss is a sexist numpty who seems to have enjoyed bullying you and illegally sacking you. Why would you take anything he said as reasonable or realistic??

It is certainly possible. Loads of women manage it. Childcare is a joint male/female issue and even back when I had children both of us found the childcare so it is as much a man's issue as a women and plenty of women earn more than their other half these days. I went back full time when I had small babies. I was even able to express breastmilk at work.

That man is an arsehole and an idiot. I’m 31, 2 kids ( 3 and 4) and I have what I would consider to be a successful career and will continue to do so. Having children has held me back in no way at all, however I would say (in my experience only) this is partially down to having a partner who is willing to share the responsibility of the children.

Yes you can. I know women and men who've brought up children and worked every way you can imagine (spoiler; how the children have turned out bears zero relationship to how they did it). There's more flexibility than ever, though costs are higher than ever so it can feel pretty tough at times.

There's one thing you can learn from your ridiculous ex-boss. He believed something, so he made it happen. He believed that you wouldn't come back to work, so he made his belief real by sacking you. You can do the same, positively. You are a human being with a child who needs and loves to work. You can do this.

I took six months leave for each child and then went back to FT work. I’ve had a great career and have ended up in a job I love. My relationship with my DC is great. Honestly, it’s very do-able.

Well done for winning your case, he's entitled to whatever view he has, but not to discriminate against you - as you have proved. Perhaps he could ponder the structural effects of patriarchy on the disadvantages women face.
My personal view is that one or both parents having flexibility over hours or working pattern makes life run smoother and hopefully meets everyone's needs better (that doesn't mean mum should be the default sacrificer of career - or buy into the myth that that is what she wants - but it is OK to want it too). For myself, I never knew what I could achieve before having dc, I was crazy busy but still progressed my career with postgrad qualifications done in my own time and in my fifties I am where I want to be. I guess there's no point ignoring that mainly women face a pay and progression gap, it is a reality, but that doesn't mean you can't progress with a decent employer. Good luck getting to wherever you want to be. Feel the fight not the fear.

Your old boss is an idiot and doesn't deserve one more second of your thoughts, so try to forget him.

Career+motherhood is definitely doable but it's not always easy to find the balance where you dedicate enough time to both. You'll get tired often, and if you're anything like me, you might worry a lot about that balance and whether you're doing the right thing.

I've got a son who's turned out really stable and well, and a daughter I worry about every day. I have no idea if things would have been different with her if I'd done things differently but the thought is always at the back of my mind.

And I have a job that gives me purpose and I love going in to work every day. No regrets.

It’s totally doable. But there always needs someone who has flexibility, even when kids are at school, I’m always low key jelly of parents that have grandparents who will pick up the slack.

Of course you can! I'm about to have 2 young children (count down to maternity leave no2) and being out of the workforce for a year hits your career, but kids themselves don't have to. You do generally need either flexibility or a great support network though. All the senior women at my work have kids (male dominated professional career), and it hasn't prevented them achieving leadership roles.

I do work for a very good employer though where they understand people have lives and sometimes need flexibility. It doesnt just apply to parents though, illness or even if people want to take a month off to go travelling are accomodated. If you don't have that culture at work, you do need people in the background who can take the kid(s) if you have work trips/ out of hours work/ child sickness and they can't go to nursery or school.

The new hybrid working model since COVID has made it much easier too, let's not forget that.

It’s possible but it’s not easy. Much depends on your industry, the flexibility of your boss, what your partner is doing, your earnings. If these things all line up, it can be a lot easier than if they don’t.

I had my child 8 years ago, and got made redundant during maternity leave. I could have gone down the tribunal route, but honestly just didn't have the fight in me tbh. I did manage to negotiate a good payout - they paid me full salary for a year in return for an NDA.
The financial aspect was good because it gave me the safety net of enjoying time off with my child, but my confidence was absolutely on the floor and I didn't think I'd ever get back to my career again.

However. I managed to then get a good position in a company and since then I've worked my arse off, and made some strategic moves along the way. I'm now earning more than I thought possible, in a job that's demanding but so enjoyable. My husband and I juggle childcare between us, and it's never perfect, but it's manageable.

Your boss is a bell end. Another reason to prefer females in managerial roles - none of that misogynist bullshit.
Women with children succeed in all careers. Even if you did want to take time out in your child's early years it should be no barrier to going back when you are ready . Don't let one this comment hold you back - rise above it.

Of course it is possible. I had ten great years of being a single mother to two DCs in a high-level position. Nobody should have said that to you.

However, it is hard and in the end I did decide to give up the job. I was alone, living a long way from family so had little in the way support. I was reliant on full-time live-in nannies when the DCs were little but that was no longer working once they were school age.

I was made to feel inadequate at home and at work by colleagues and family. I felt I was doing neither as well as I wanted and juggling work and family was exhausting and added to my stress levels and my health was suffering. If I had a decent support network, particularly a supportive partner I think it could have been very different. The final straw for me was when the CEO suggested that I should put my career before my family!

To put it bluntly, it is absolutely possible but please don't underestimate how hard it is.

i come from a very large family and I think 5/6 of the mothers in my generation have very successful careers, and the 6th is a carer. So in my Uber conservative traditional family it couldn’t be further from by the truth. It doesn’t sound like he knows what he’s about

And yes, to echo a PP - your boss is a bell end!!

Women have successful careers once they are parents in exactly the same way men do: by getting the childcare sorted.

When Dc were young DH and I did take equal responsibility. No assumption that sick days from nursery or school would always be covered by me, etc. ditto evening parents evenings , extra curricular drop offs etc.

Where women do have a plateau in career progression it is often as a result of a decision to support what happens in her DH’s working sector ad her own, wrt travel, long hours etc.

At one stage both DH and I dropped a day from our contracts. In the long run it has been better for us BOTH to work at our potential rather than him continue as if he wasn’t a parent and me to go part time, lose pension payments, lose CPD and promotion prospects.

But men and male bosses conspire in the ‘presenteeism’ thing to support the ‘big jobs’ that men have and women are supposed to relinquish.

Op: my career flourished, my children are joyful and thriving.

What an unpleasant person your old boss is. And a fool. With the right childcare and a supportive partner or family, women can work as well as they did before having children. My experience was a little more subtle. My boss gave me unattainable targets and micro-managed me to a level I'd never had before in attempt to get me out after I returned from maternity leave. It was so stressful. They were vile. In the end I took a voluntary demotion to a part-time role in another part of the company. I worked there happily for a different, much nicer boss for a few years. Now the children are at school, I've been promoted, do a more interesting job and work full-time and I'm bloody good at my job! I would have fallen apart without a supportive partner and Mum at the time though.

He sounds like a dick

I'm a single parent of 3 including 2 year old twins work full time in very male dominated career and I haven't seen any detriment to my career that wasn't out of choice (I would say I am less career driven post kids!)

I have all male bosses and they make it very clear they treat me as how they hope their own daughters are treated in the workplace one day

Are you still at a low level hoping to progress? I think it can be easier when you're at a higher level, ie, when your salary is significantly more than the cost of childcare, when your hours aren't strictly clock in clock out so to speak, so you can do some of your work at 2am if it suits you, if your role is not customer facing in a 9 to 5 time frame, if you were hired for your specific experience and qualifications. It was impossible for me to have a career with my x as he was a DICK and you can't make somebody do half the childcare. I left him and the children grew up. I'm still not exactly 'high up' but i can see that there is more flexibility and respect for mothers who have already achieved a higher grade before their pregnancy. I'm in the civil service (Not in the uk though) so rights are not just theory, people can request unpaid leave and reduced work share patterns and to work from home. The answer may be no though)

This is the crux of it I think. Yes it's doable, but for many it's bloody hard and takes some serious concessions and compromises to get anything that resembles a balance. I have a very flexible employer, DH does too and we equally share the load, but there are still things I can't do due to having a child that I wouldn't have had to think twice about before; that's just the reality. Of course he's ignorant though and it's an unacceptable and untrue thing to say.