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Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Male boss told me I can't have children and a career

58 replies

AnonLady7 · 13/05/2023 21:23

Hello! Name changed for this - I had my first baby (DS1) this year and when I told my boss I was pregnant he said I wouldn't be able to have children and do my career, and I "wouldn't want to ever come back to work". Then when I went on mat leave he made my role redundant. I've had legal advice/challenged it and been awarded compensation for maternity discrimination...

However, aside from the legality of it all, the whole thing has really knocked my confidence. I was very career driven (and good at it) before having my DS1, now I'm jobless and when I'm going for interviews for new roles I keep thinking about the things my boss said. How I'll never manage it.

Are there ladies out here who have successfully managed families and career? I'm looking for a bit of inspiration really after having such a knock. DP is planning to take some paternity leave once I get a new job and I very much want to go back to work soon. I love my baby, but also love my career. Would appreciate any stories/handhold/advice! Xxx

OP posts:
FoodFestfFork · 14/05/2023 11:00

To add to my earlier post, with the right childcare and a supportive family and partner, men can work as well as they did before having children too.

SargentSagittarius · 15/05/2023 17:21

I don’t really get all these posts saying, it’s ‘possible’, it’s ‘doable’.

What?! Not only is it ‘possible’ and ‘doable’, it’s entirely normal!

Everyone I know works and parents. It’s utterly, banal-y normal.

You take whatever parental leave you need, you organise childcare and you go back to work.

If women leading actual countries can do it, the rest of us certainly can.

Floralie · 15/05/2023 17:33

SargentSagittarius · 15/05/2023 17:21

I don’t really get all these posts saying, it’s ‘possible’, it’s ‘doable’.

What?! Not only is it ‘possible’ and ‘doable’, it’s entirely normal!

Everyone I know works and parents. It’s utterly, banal-y normal.

You take whatever parental leave you need, you organise childcare and you go back to work.

If women leading actual countries can do it, the rest of us certainly can.

Someone leading a country has more support at their disposal. If their child is poorly and their nursery (if they go to one) won't have them they'll have a nanny or whatever else who can. Money and 'perks' make it markedly easier even if the job itself is more stressful so I'm not sure that makes the point you think it does.

Personally most mums I know returned to work part time and even when sharing holidays, sick days and whatever else with their husbands still have to do a mighty balancing act to juggle work.

I agree it's doable and lots of people do it, it's disingenuous to suggest things don't change though and that people just walk back into their jobs and nothing has changed.

EggInANest · 15/05/2023 18:01

SargentSagittarius · 15/05/2023 17:21

I don’t really get all these posts saying, it’s ‘possible’, it’s ‘doable’.

What?! Not only is it ‘possible’ and ‘doable’, it’s entirely normal!

Everyone I know works and parents. It’s utterly, banal-y normal.

You take whatever parental leave you need, you organise childcare and you go back to work.

If women leading actual countries can do it, the rest of us certainly can.

Works, yes, of course.

But it is also depressingly normal for mothers to experience standstill in their career, or even take a sideways step into something term-time, something that mops up all the parenting while fathers progress and increase their income, making it even harder for the mother to say ‘my turn now, you take the 9-3 term time job’.

It is very ‘do-able’ though, given good childcare and teamwork between parents, if there are two.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 16/05/2023 08:42

Your old boss is sexist, old fashioned and (thankfully) acted illegally.
Working with kids is hard but normal. Having a high flying career I would say is more difficult, but I know plenty of women who have managed it.

Sunnysideup999 · 16/05/2023 08:51

You can - but you will be tired.
One child is do-able.
Two children and a career is hard. But possible if you accept you will be very tired.
speaking from experience.

Turfwars · 16/05/2023 14:22

Most of the women I work with are very established in their careers and some have been promoted while on maternity leave - one to a director position.
Most of the women in my wider family on both sides have impressive careers and along with their husbands, juggle family life equally.

It's not easy, but it's possible.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 16/05/2023 14:40

Of course you can. I do. He’s an idiot.

AuntieJune · 16/05/2023 14:45

Did the boss have kids, OP? Does he think all senior managers in the country are childfree?

His thinking is based on an assumption that women do all the childcare, housework, mental load etc of having kids. Which reveals quite a lot about him.

Sometimes one partner takes a more domestic role to support the other one's career. Sometimes you share the domestic stuff equally. Sometimes the woman does it all and still does well in a career because superwomen exist (as do burnouts so I wouldn't recommend it)

He's a dinosaur and paid the price for it

lavagal · 16/05/2023 14:55

I had a similar experience and had to find another role while on mat leave 5 years ago....: I'm now a CEO

It's been one hell of a journey and not easy at times, pretty traumatic and soul destroying actually - but I've found a role I love that also challenges me and gives a good work life balance. Hang in there!!!

Soontobe60 · 16/05/2023 15:01

The mere fact that you won compensation for discrimination should tell you how much of an arse he was.

The key to managing a career and being a parent is organisation - plus a supportive workplace and partner.

ChocChipHandbag · 16/05/2023 15:09

Sounds like you worked in an environment win which one individual had too much power and there was no proper HR or corporate governance.

Is your industry one where that sort of employer is usual? That might make things different for you than those who have the benefit of large organisations with proper management oversight and HR infrastructure.

It's pretty impossible to advise you without more information, and I'm a bit surprised that you asked such a broad the question - surely you must have met and/or read about all sorts of women with both families and careers before now?

mumwon · 16/05/2023 15:27

Maggie Thatcher The Queen, Bravermen, May...... just because he couldn't manage it does not mean millions of woman can/do

Username84 · 16/05/2023 15:44

I used to have a boss like that! Absolute knob. Took me ages to rebuild my confidence fully but a big promotion and absolutely nailing it helped.

Whilst you can have a career and children you won't be able to fully commit to either in the way you would be able to if you only had one. Obviously, you can't be in two places at once. It takes a while to fully adjust and you might decide you want to tip the balance more one way than the other by reducing hours or outsourcing more family stuff. It's your choice though, not knobhead bosses.

Obviously a good boss is absolutely necessary to succeed at balancing both.

lordloveadog · 16/05/2023 18:11

In my 40s and literally every mother I know except one have careers.

ChocChipHandbag · 16/05/2023 18:31

mumwon · 16/05/2023 15:27

Maggie Thatcher The Queen, Bravermen, May...... just because he couldn't manage it does not mean millions of woman can/do

Theresa May does not have any children.

ChocChipHandbag · 16/05/2023 18:32

Which led to some really nasty campaigning from Andrea Leadsom who insinuated that she'd be a better PM because she was a mother.

It was bullshit, but I suppose it is an example of a woman actively citing motherhood as a career advantage!

Hubblebubble · 16/05/2023 18:33

I work full time and I'm a lone parent. I manage everything really well and have a fantastic work/life balance. Its fully remote with flexitime, which is probably why.

Hubblebubble · 16/05/2023 18:33

Women can have everything (career, child, time for themselves).

MaggieBsBoat · 16/05/2023 18:35

He’s either right or he is wrong.
I know he’s wrong.
If you know he’s wrong, prove it. Do just that. Go out there and have your career.
My own mother told me I wasn’t clever enough for university. I proved her wrong twice over.
My old boss told me that women can’t have kids and a career.
I now have a six figure salary and I also have 5 kids.
Only you can prove him wrong. Use his words as fuel for your fire!!

BMIwoes · 16/05/2023 18:41

My career skyrocketed after having kids, because I felt so strongly that the cost of childcare had to be worth the job. So I started taking my career way more seriously. No 1 - make sure you have a proper 50/50 on chores, childcare, bills and attitude to jobs with your partner. You can't have a career and be doing all the mental and physical load at home as well so you have to share it and have someone who is willing to pull their weight. No 2 - think about what compromises you are and arent prepared to make to get to your next goal, and look at industries/companies accordingly. I've found that small businesses can be really really good for flexibility but the trade off is often that benefits are crap. While my kods are at school flexibility is my priority.So think about what you need for right now.

FoodFestfFork · 16/05/2023 19:20

Hubblebubble · 16/05/2023 18:33

Women can have everything (career, child, time for themselves).

Some women can. And they are incredible. I couldn't. I had to fight the feeling of failure. I'm back on track career wise now and my kids are OK. I have very little for me still.

VoodooQualities · 17/05/2023 08:02

One thing that I think about is that as a career woman I relied on low cost childcare. It's women who provide this service, never men. This thread has been all 'me me me' so far (I include myself in that). Well done to every woman on here who has managed it...

...but this is the feminism board. It's worth at least acknowledging how that childcare is provided, by whom and whether our reliance on it ultimately perpetuates the problem that we've been lucky enough to break free from.

VoodooQualities · 17/05/2023 08:06

Do any of you see it like I do? Like it's not a sustainable system. It relies on there being an underclass.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 17/05/2023 08:29

Of course it's women providing childcare.
We wouldn't trust men to look after children so it has to be.

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