Losing your Mum

[Finalstar]

Hi, been a while since I was on MN. I used to be an active poster a long time ago, then de-regged after various data breaches and lurked instead.

I've re-joined because I keep going over this in my mind and I'm hoping that someone might be able to help me make sense of it - or tell me it's not just me!

My Mum died at the end of last year. It wasn't unexpected as she'd been ill for a long time. Even so, the grief has been so overwhelming, which I wasn't prepared for because she'd been ill for so long - I'd honestly thought I was ready for it.

One of the things that I really struggle with is knowing that I have lost the only person who was ever truly linked to me - as in, she carried me, birthed me, fed me, raised me. The one person who would always and unconditionally be there for me - even if we fell out, even if we disagreed or I'd done something wrong - we would always have that link. I'm posting here because what I keep coming back to is that uniquely female experience. I think the only way I can describe it is primal.

I don't have children so have no experience of the maternal link as a parent. I just wasn't prepared for this totally overwhelming feeling of loss that the woman who created me is gone. I'm sorry, I'm probably not explaining this very well. I just didn't expect to feel so devastated that this link - a primal link? - has now snapped. I just don't know how to cope with knowing that I'll never have that again.

I totally understand this. I was so sad when my mum died, that the one person who felt that true motherly love for me was now gone. I’ve got a wonderful family and husband but it was hard to accept.

Thank you - and sorry to hear about your Mum.

I have really struggled to try and explain how I'm feeling. It's like I have lost a connection, but it was a totally unique connection that could only ever exist between her and I. And whilst that connection obviously applies to a child of either sex, I feel like this connective loss is somehow amplified because as a woman I can appreciate the unique physical connection in a way that perhaps would not occur to a man.

I know it sounds crazy. But it upsets me every time I see my belly button, as it's a fresh reminder every day of the fact that the woman who I was once connected to, is no longer here.

When I read a post about the sadness of losing your mum, I get an extra twinge. My mum would be no great loss. She's never had my back.

I appreciate the loss you feel, and wish I had had a mum like that. It's perhaps extra sad, given all you say about that link between mum and baby.

I'm sorry you miss your mum, and that primal sense of connection. Perhaps it would comfort you to reflect that the strength of your loss is a sign of what a great mum she was?

Yes I felt it too. The one person who loved me unconditionally has gone. It is a terrible loss

I'm so sorry @picklemewalnuts that must be very hard.

She was a good Mum but a very complex personality and not always the easiest person to get on with. She could be unkind and demanding and unreasonable. She was also incredibly loyal, and would go to the ends of the earth for her children - she'd fight anyone and anything if she thought it was a threat to us in any way. She was hugely protective because she had a very hard early life.

Losing her has made me think a lot about the generational link between women, and how as women we have this unique connection. I keep thinking about the fact that when my grandmother was pregnant with my Mum, my Mum already had the egg present that would make me.

I knew I would grieve, but I didn't expect the grief to feel like I had lost a link - it honestly feels like something of me is missing now.

Even though I have a loving husband and 3 wonderful children, I knew, deep down in side of me, when my Mum died the person who I knew would never ever let me down, and would always see my point of view even if hers was different, and would always support me in what I wanted to do, even if I was wrong, my Mum, could never ever be replaced. I love my husband very much and he loves me, but if he died I expect one day I'd remarry. You can never get a new Mum. My Mum died 10 years ago and I still think of her often and cry every Mother's Day.

OP there's a very good book called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman which, while its focus is the loss of your mother whilst still a child or very young adult, nevertheless speaks to the more general exploration of the loss of this bond.

I found it very useful. I lost my mother not due to her death but to her leaving, and the early rupture shaped me, in fact it eventually made me train as a therapist. I agree it's a bond like no other.
Sorry I would write more but I'm making dinner.
I'm very sorry for your loss. 🌷

@FiFinalstar your Mum sounds like mine! I miss her so much. She was very loyal to me and loved me so much

I have a daughter who I'm very close to. Similar sort of chord bonding if that makes sense

Do you believe in the afterlife? I chat to Mum in my head all the time and often smell her perfume

My mum is still here (and a great Mum, and I'm very fortunate) - but occasionally I daydream for whatever reason about when I lose her and it brings me to actual tears to think about it, and I'm not at all a teary/emotional person like that. It's like I have uncharacteristically fierce attachment to her.

My mum lost her mum when she was 19, and I've also shed tears for that maternal grandmother that I've never even met. (I'm named after her, and that is precious to me.)

This makes me sound a bit nutter-ish, but I'm really not like this about anything other than thinking about my mum and (unknown) grandma.

I myself have two sons. There is a little element of grief in not having a daughter, and the idea of 'losing' your son to their wife once they marry. (I know you can argue that is irrational, and it's not not really 'losing'. ) But there is something about looking at that feeling that is akin to the loss of mother feeling, iyswim.

Thank you. It's a huge comfort to know that it's not me going mad!

OP there's a very good book called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman which, while its focus is the loss of your mother whilst still a child or very young adult, nevertheless speaks to the more general exploration of the loss of this bond. @heldinadream thank you for this - I'll have a look for the book.

I myself have two sons. There is a little element of grief in not having a daughter, and the idea of 'losing' your son to their wife once they marry. (I know you can argue that is irrational, and it's not not really 'losing'. ) But there is something about looking at that feeling that is akin to the loss of mother feeling, iyswim. Yes @brawhen I think this is kind of where I'm at. I'm grieving the loss of a close relative, but the fact that it's my Mum who birthed me and with whom I have this unique female link to, is an additional dimension.

Somewhat bizarrely, it's the female connection that I am mourning, despite having no children of my own. That unique link that comes from having been intrinsically linked to your Mum in a way that no other relationship can match.

I'm not religious - at a pinch I like some pagan-type elements - but I have set up a little shelf with a picture of her, and some ornaments and items which were hers or which are symbolic of her achievements. It makes me simultaneously sad and empowered every time I look at it. I've never in my life ever felt motivated before to try and achieve something to justify her faith in me until now. I know it sounds so weird.

I do understand what you mean but I also have learnt to deal with it by just 'knowing' that she's still a part of me. Just like your mum is a part of you.

She's there, inside you. The thoughts you have and the things you do, the way you react to things - that's all formed in part by your mum.

I know with complete certainty how my mum would react to things and what she'd say about things and this is a comfort. I'm probably not explaining it very well but it's like a 'sense' of her inside me. She died 4 years ago and it was and still is painful

And I never feel it more than when I'm having a very self indulgent crying session when I'm missing her and after a while I hear her voice, quite clearly, saying 'for god sake, pull yourself together. What's the matter with you?!'

And this makes me feel a it silly and I inwardly laugh and just stop crying;

This is my mum though and she was certainly one of a kind Just like your mum was and still is

Oh god it's made me cry to read that. I'll come back to it later but you are right. I've been burying myself in work to try and run from this, but posting here today has made me realise I haven't dealt with it at all.

Hi @Finalstar its not weird at all and I get it. My mum died several years ago and I was bowled over by the grief and could never have imagined it would affect me like that. For me, some of it is simply the natural process of grieving and some of it is the extra element of the maternal bond.

When she died, one of my closest friends (who had lost her mum in her teens) said to me ‘this is the big one’. I know not everyone has the same relationship with their mum and everyone processes loss differently, but I knew what my friend meant, that the loss of a mother is significant.

Losing my mum has also made me much more aware of and appreciative of womanhood and motherhood so I understand a lot of what you’re saying and experiencing. It seems odd that it took the loss of her to fully appreciate everything she did for me, right from conception, and I’m sad not to have had certain conversations with her.

I haven’t read it but have been told The Grief Handbook is really valuable to help with grieving (general, not only for the loss of mothers).

My experience was navigating every day as it came, slowly becoming accustomed to the fact that she wasn’t coming back, expressing my emotions and loving her fiercely. There’s no right or wrong way to experience bereavement and loss. I found myself analyzing my own grief and questioning why humans grieve; I got very cognitive about it as well as being upset. My sibling appeared to internalize it a lot more. Everyone experiences it differently.

it sounds like you are doing some beautiful things to honour her. I feel it’s really important to be very good to yourself at this time, be gentle with yourself as much as you can 💐

@Finalstar you need to accept it's happened. I literally had to say to myself 'she's died, it really is forever and err now what?!'

That sounds so blunt but it's just key to being able to accept it - and acceptance is what you are aiming for here. But honestly, she's still there. Not as a spirit or in a religious way for me, just as a certainty. Like I said, I can confidently know how she'd react to things and this is a comfort. I blow a load of money shopping and it feels guilt free tbh as well, she'd be the first to encourage that!

So it's finding that peace within you to know that yes, she's gone but her resilience and essence are in you:

I'm absolutely rubbish at explaining it as you can see!

Oh and I just add that this is very early days for you. You are where you should be for now. And it's just shit. At your stage I would sometimes just feel winded and think ' fucking hell, how did that happen? Has it really happened?' and also 'how the hell do I carry this for the rest of my life?'

You will carry it though but it's so early for you so just be kind to yourself right now.

And for me, the haven't read any books or anything like that. Because it'll just set me off and I don't (personally) need to understand or dissect it.

Just reading this thread sets me off! Because it's a sad thing and you are not alone

I lost my Mum in 1960, and my Dad in 1967. I miss her so much, even now. You will come to terms with it because it is part of life!

Hi Op
I grew up in children's homes when very young,
I was split from my sisters and brothers,
rest of my siblings, were brought up in various different foster families ,up by social services even though my Gran fought against it,

I was adopted by a lovely Welsh family,
Sadly I losed my adoptive mother 6 years after adoption, as a 15 yrs age
After that my life spiralled out of control,

I went off the rails completely,
Became a mother by time I was in my very late teens,
Disowned by my adoptive father,

Got in touch with natural family later on,
Lovely people,
But cause of weird background feels bit strange to be related, something missing feeling being separated from my my natural family for so loong too ect,

I still miss my lovely mum who adopted me, even though its obviously a looong time ago, when she was around,
she was the linchpin who helped to keep the family close,
She was popular had lots of friends and was well respected in her field of work proffession as a nurse,
She had a really good send off at her funeral, when she died all those years ago,

God i really miss at times, !!!

It's difficult to describe it,
I feel bit envious that some women my age still have mother's they can turn to for comfort reassurance advice ,

Have mixed feelings about Christmas 🎄 time

Thank you everyone.

This really resonated: Losing my mum has also made me much more aware of and appreciative of womanhood and motherhood so I understand a lot of what you’re saying and experiencing. It seems odd that it took the loss of her to fully appreciate everything she did for me, right from conception, and I’m sad not to have had certain conversations with her.

It's why I posted here rather than in bereavement. The way I'm feeling seems sharpened by the fact that it's my Mum.

@Goodread1 I know that feeling I ended up crying in Tesco last week when I passed a woman my age with her Mum, and they were squabbling (affectionately) about what bedding to buy for a guest room. The hurt was indescribable, of knowing that I''ll never have that conversation with my Mum.

But, trying to turn this into a positive, it has really reinforced my feelings on feminine power, womanhood and how critical our rights are - now more than ever. My Mum was an OG feminist so every little thing I do - every petition I sign, every demo I march on - feels like a nod to her legacy.

Hi Op
You are definitely not alone feeling the way you are,
especially its very recent too,

Light a candle 🕯 I her memory,

Do you do meditation at all ?
That's beneficial for soothing the mind and clarity of thoughts
It's like a power nap sleep that feels refreshing,

Look after yourself
Such as getting into habit of having Holistic therapies every so often on a regular basis such as hot stone massage and other therapies that give you a boost to your well being,

Join a healthspa doing swimming 🏊‍♀️ pool , jacuzzi sauna steam room,

You feel refreshed like a new person doing stuff like this,

Also get into creative Arts 🎨 have a go at as many as can,
eventbrite website is good website for seeing interesting stuff talks Arts workshops online and face to face and other types of unrelated events
It be fun and you will susprised yourself at what you can do,
It boost your confidence and give you much needed boost and have a knock on effect in other ways,
So you feel confident to try out other things potentially beneficial to yourself

Have a go at yoga , martial arts ect

Take care x

Thank you

In a perverse way it feels like a rite of passage - I know she went through it when my Grandma died. There's nobody after me as I have no children.

Ahh you are sooooo lucky to have this treasured view of your mum.

I don’t with mine. It’s a daily struggle to be “very low contact” although I’ve reached a certain amount of acceptance that we’ll never have an amazing relationship. I worry a lot about the footprint this might be creating for my own daughters.

I lost my dad 5 years ago and it still hurts. He was the first person to hold me (DM was out with a general anesthetic c-section). He was great. Made everything better and just loved me for who I am. Didn’t matter what I did. I can feel a physical ache in my heart thinking about him now. I don’t know how I’d feel about my mum dying. I love her. She loves me. But because everything is on her terms all the time, I just can’t expose myself anymore to that type of relationship. My therapist told me that grief is much more straightforward when it’s an easy relationship. So I guess “complex grief” will be yet another “gift” from having a narcissistic mother.

I’m so sorry about your mum, and her illness. It’s truly a living nightmare watching someone you love deteriorate. I told my therapist that I felt like I had to get over the heartbreak of my dads illness and also the heartbreak of his death all at the same time. A double whammy if you like.

I know this thread isn’t about dads btw, just that I guess I don’t have that strong feminine connection with my mum, but did have an amazing bond with my dad so whilst I can’t sympathise or empathize about losing my mum, I do understand about losing a much-loved parent.

I’m so sorry about your mum, and her illness. It’s truly a living nightmare watching someone you love deteriorate. I told my therapist that I felt like I had to get over the heartbreak of my dads illness and also the heartbreak of his death all at the same time. A double whammy if you like.

Yes, absolutely this. I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad @SingaporeSting . Dementia took my Mum. A very very cruel disease.

Very cruel indeed.
Hang on to the love and to the memories 💜