Losing your Mum

[Finalstar]

Hi, been a while since I was on MN. I used to be an active poster a long time ago, then de-regged after various data breaches and lurked instead.

I've re-joined because I keep going over this in my mind and I'm hoping that someone might be able to help me make sense of it - or tell me it's not just me!

My Mum died at the end of last year. It wasn't unexpected as she'd been ill for a long time. Even so, the grief has been so overwhelming, which I wasn't prepared for because she'd been ill for so long - I'd honestly thought I was ready for it.

One of the things that I really struggle with is knowing that I have lost the only person who was ever truly linked to me - as in, she carried me, birthed me, fed me, raised me. The one person who would always and unconditionally be there for me - even if we fell out, even if we disagreed or I'd done something wrong - we would always have that link. I'm posting here because what I keep coming back to is that uniquely female experience. I think the only way I can describe it is primal.

I don't have children so have no experience of the maternal link as a parent. I just wasn't prepared for this totally overwhelming feeling of loss that the woman who created me is gone. I'm sorry, I'm probably not explaining this very well. I just didn't expect to feel so devastated that this link - a primal link? - has now snapped. I just don't know how to cope with knowing that I'll never have that again.

I think, perhaps, you have this strong connection and sense of loss because you got to know her as an adult and have an adult relationship with her.

I was 8 when my Mum died. She's more of a mythical creature to me than a real person.

I'm so sorry for your loss and grateful you had her for so long and feel the loss/connection as you do.

Keep up the feminist activism in her memory what a wonderful legacy. She would be proud of you I'm sure.

@Finalstar I agree and understand completely and so sorry to hear about the death of your mum. My mother died when I was 13, and I am now 54 but her death has resonated through my life and always will forever. My memories of her are very clear and she has definitely always been my role model. I am only now finally getting trauma therapy for that early loss (I had many other events happen making it very difficult it be settled and find an appropriate person to speak to). I have three children and the two eldest are girls 22 & 19. I am so grateful they have each other, so when I am finally no longer here they will have another female relative who understands everything about being a woman in the world as a member of our family.

It was hard to have all my milestones without her, graduations, marriage, births of my children etc. etc. at the same time I am very grateful I had such an amazing mum that gave me the love and strength to still manage to be happily married and a (good enough!) mother.

Op...I just saw a film where the mother tells her son, paradise is found at the mothers feet. The film was called What's love got to do with it. I think the phrase is Islamic. It was a beautiful moment of the film which had me sobbing. Sending you my deepest sympathies.

I absolutely recognise and empathise with your feelings, and am really sorry for your loss.

What I will say is that my mum was my adoptive mum (not even that really, was never official but she was the one who brought me home from hospital and raised me from birth) and losing her floored me in a way I can’t adequately describe. All that feeling of connection, the one person who totally had my back and I could rely on completely being gone was there. I remember thinking there wasn’t really any point in going through with any further life milestoness, or striving for anything much really as I’d never be truly happy again and anything that happened to me would just be that bit shitter because my mum wasn’t there. (I have since got an MA, changed careers, got married and had my own child and those feelings turned out to be not true but also a tiny bit true as well).

On the other hand, my birth mother died in child birth with me. As a child/ young adult I thought about her and wondered and felt like it was a sad story in a way, but didn’t feel hugely affected by it. However since being pregnant myself, and having my own daughter - it’s really really brought that loss home to me. I’m very aware now of that missing link almost, and do think about how the egg that became my daughter was formed whilst I was still in her womb and how DD has that connection despite neither she nor I ever meeting my mother.

‘I just didn't expect to feel so devastated that this link - a primal link? - has now snapped. I just don't know how to cope with knowing that’

I’ve not yet been able to have this conversation with anyone, but I felt this keenly when my mum died. I was heavily pregnant at the time, just to rub salt in the wound. I just couldn’t believe that we were going to cremate the body that made me. I was very upset about it at the time. It’s an awful feeling, but I hope you take comfort that others have felt it, too.

@Comedycook reminds me if the scene in The Godfather when Vito Corleone dies and heaven is portrayed as Vito as a little boy in the Italian sunshine running into his mother’s arms.

I get the feeling that some of this unresolved grief is grieving the fact that you don't have children of your own. It just feels like an unresolved issue for you and may be worth talking to a therapist about? Really sorry for your loss

@AliasGrape “I remember thinking there wasn’t really any point in going through with any further life milestones, or striving for anything much really”

When my mum died (of cancer at 43) I was an A student, on the student council, on schools sports teams, an academic prize winner and a student leader. Once she died I just didn’t give a shit about anything, especially school, I just thought “what’s the point?”. I want through a bad period when I became a streetwise hard arse and didn’t care about anyone or their feelings. I truanted a lot and no one noticed. I was basically a traumatized and grieving teen and unfortunately my dad was seriously mentally ill, so my parenting stopped.

Thankfully my crappy angry attitude didn’t last and I pulled myself together eventually, but I even credit my mum with that, as I knew that the new personality wasn’t who I was, or was raised to be.

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and stories - I really appreciate it.

@dollypartin the fact I don't have any children has weighed on me a bit since she died, but only from the perspective that it would have been nice to have had her legacy live on beyond me IYSWIM? All of the knowledge that she could have passed on, as she was a wonderful GM to my siblings' children. I'm infertile but made a conscious decision in my 20s not to pursue treatment for a variety of reasons. Now mid-40s and peri-menopausal and I'm overall still quite comfortable that I made the right choice for me.

I totally get how you feel OP, my mum died in January after having been ill for quite a few years with dementia. I thought I would feel more relief now that she’s not suffering anymore and I do in a way but I feel like I lost the mum I knew several years ago but now she has died all the memories of before she was ill have come flooding back. I absolutely get the grief of knowing no one will ever love me or be there for me like my lovely mum was. She loved me so unconditionally and I felt that from every part of her being. It’s still early days for me since she died and I thought I had been doing ok but now Mother’s Day is approaching I’m feeling so full of sadness at losing her. But I also feel really blessed to have had such a lovely mum as I know not everyone has that.

Seeing this put into words has really helped me label what I've been feeling. I lost my mum suddenly without warning just before Christmas. I had a 3 month old baby at the time and this feeling of primal disconnection has been really overwhelming. I miss her so much and she really was the glue of the whole family. There is no other relationship like the one you have with your mum xx

Primal disconnection sums it up perfectly. I am so sorry to hear about your Mum @flipflop00

@CommanderSeven Totally understand what you’re saying. My mum died when I was very young so I’ve never had that adult relationship either. As you say, she’s somewhat of a mythical creature to me. I’ve only recently started counselling to work on the grief I never processed as a child but actually in some ways, I think it’s easier losing your mum as a child than losing your mum when you do have a long established relationship with her. Or that’s what I tell myself!

My mum died last month, extremely suddenly and unexpectedly. Just over two years ago her mother died too. I also gave birth to my first daughter in 2021.

Since my mum died I feel like a physical thread has been cut that connects me and my daughter back through history. It's extremely primal and hard to put into words. I can almost feel an ache where my bellybutton / umbilical cord is / was.

I don't know how better to express it. But I think I completely understand what you mean.

I'm sorry you lost your mum and are going through this.

I don’t feel that way towards my mother, but I do towards my sons, in terms of the physical bond. I do love my parents very much and they are amazing parents but I don’t feel any more a bond with my mother than my father.

I am sorry for your loss.

Since my mum died I feel like a physical thread has been cut that connects me and my daughter back through history.

Yes, this. There is a part of me that is indescribably sad at the fact that it took losing my Mum to feel this link - that I only realised it existed when it was gone.

I'm feeling a lot for you, Finalstar. My mother died many years ago, before I met my husband and during a time when I was living a long way off and very lonely.

I managed to see her during her last few days. But I felt physically different when she died, as if I had been a balloon held by someone who had now let go. I felt strange in my body, as if I might evaporate or float away. I became so intimidated that I had difficulty crossing the road.

I also felt that connection that you describe, and the loss of it. Our relationship hadn't always been good, but it was always close. I felt as if I'd lost a layer of something protective. With no parents, partner or children I felt like a lost piece of a jigsaw.

Bad times. We live through them. Relatives and especially friends were the biggest help to me. I do hope you have lots of love around you, OP, and the same for everyone else here who has been bereaved xx

I feel the same. I lost Mum last May.

Dad's ready to sort her things so today I've been doing that. It turned out that he's been moving her boxes and bags into a spare room since he said he was ready and today I was left going through them while he sorted the recycling.

I found it both distressing but somethings were comforting and made me feel like I had a connection again and I found myself silently asking for permission to throw personal stuff away (like make up).

It's hard - I understand now why she found losing my Nan so difficult

My mum passed away when I was six and decades later I was still traumatised by it. Gradually my DH's love is helping me heal.

Try to think of the good times you had together. Hugs.

I managed to see her during her last few days. But I felt physically different when she died, as if I had been a balloon held by someone who had now let go. I felt strange in my body, as if I might evaporate or float away.

This is a perfect description. I feel as if I have been disconnected somehow.

Our relationship hadn't always been good, but it was always close. I felt as if I'd lost a layer of something protective.

This also sums up my relationship with my Mum really well. It's like she was part of my armour and that's missing now. Thank you for putting it into words that I couldn't find @Ofcourseshecan

Huge hugs @Moveforward and I hope that today goes OK. I have kept a bottle of my Mum's perfume - not one that I would wear but every so often I like to smell it and instantly she's back into the room with me.

I felt incredibly exposed and vulnerable after my Mum died. Almost like she was a physical shield that had protected me that had been ripped away.
It's been a few years now and I am much more at peace. In some ways I feel her influence on me more now than when she first died.
I understand so much better now her grief when her Mum died and the stress of the years when Granny was ill.
I don't think I will ever stop missing her though and I feel slightly fearful for my own daughter in knowing she will probably have to go through all this too someday.

Totally agree with so much on here. To the point ive got health anxiety about dying as i dread my kids feeling like i felt when my mum died.

@Finalstar

I've had a strange night with odd dreams although that's not uncommon for me. I think today we will do some shopping which Dad need s, as a break. I was more affected than I'd expected.

I think tomorrow will be OK as I've always had the attitude I should be kind to Mum all the time not just the one-day. She knew I didn't buy into the commercialism of Mothers Day as a one day event even though we tried to always see her, if we could. So at least I'm not so wedded to tomorrow as I might have been.

I felt incredibly exposed and vulnerable after my Mum died. Almost like she was a physical shield that had protected me that had been ripped away.

This sums it up so well @Beamur

I think tomorrow will be OK as I've always had the attitude I should be kind to Mum all the time not just the one-day.

A really good point @Moveforward - I'd helped with my Mum's care in her last years. It's strange because as a rule I am not very patient or gentle, but I was quite shocked to find out that I actually liked caring for her. I didn't mind the interrupted sleep, the lifting and washing, toileting and so on. It felt like I was somehow completing a circle by caring for the woman that had cared for me and that unlocked a reserve of patience and 'softness' that I never knew was there. But it was very specific to that time and situation.