Losing your Mum

[Finalstar]

Hi, been a while since I was on MN. I used to be an active poster a long time ago, then de-regged after various data breaches and lurked instead.

I've re-joined because I keep going over this in my mind and I'm hoping that someone might be able to help me make sense of it - or tell me it's not just me!

My Mum died at the end of last year. It wasn't unexpected as she'd been ill for a long time. Even so, the grief has been so overwhelming, which I wasn't prepared for because she'd been ill for so long - I'd honestly thought I was ready for it.

One of the things that I really struggle with is knowing that I have lost the only person who was ever truly linked to me - as in, she carried me, birthed me, fed me, raised me. The one person who would always and unconditionally be there for me - even if we fell out, even if we disagreed or I'd done something wrong - we would always have that link. I'm posting here because what I keep coming back to is that uniquely female experience. I think the only way I can describe it is primal.

I don't have children so have no experience of the maternal link as a parent. I just wasn't prepared for this totally overwhelming feeling of loss that the woman who created me is gone. I'm sorry, I'm probably not explaining this very well. I just didn't expect to feel so devastated that this link - a primal link? - has now snapped. I just don't know how to cope with knowing that I'll never have that again.

I have kept a bottle of my Mum's perfume - not one that I would wear but every so often I like to smell it and instantly she's back into the room with me

My mum died 30 years ago when I was a child. I still have a bottle of her perfume in a drawer! Smells exactly as it did all those years ago. It's crazy how smells can take you back.

I also felt very bad when my mum died. I know we are different sorts of people (we are all different), but I thought I'd mention what helped me greatly was when a friend persuaded me to contact Cruse, the bereavement charity.

I had a counsellor visit (free of charge, give a donation if you could/wanted) once weekly, just for an hour, to sit and listen, mostly. That really helped. So, maybe not for everyone, but it certainly helped me.

That's Cruse (Clicky link). Probably many of you already know of them.

My mum died over 30 years ago, i still miss her and still often think of things that she would know or would like.
she never met my children and its scary to think just how much the world has changed since
recently i sent an old cine camera off for the film to be processed, it was from the 1980s and i wasnt even sure there was anything on it. It was expensive as few places deal with the type of film that was in it.
i received back a very grainy black and white 2 minute cd with about 10 seconds of my mum dancing round her garden. I dont have any other video of her so it was worth the money.
I find it hard that my children never knew her, my youngest daughter is very like her in her interests and personality, but i wish they had met her.
my dad died 10 yers ago but i strangely didnt find that as hard, maybe because he wasnt young. I think as a child you depend so much on your parents that in your mind they seem permanent and its hard to process when they are no longer here.

Your posts really resonate with me @Finalstar

totally overwhelming feeling of loss that the woman who created me is gone.

My mother was really not very well for the last year of her life so that it felt like a blessing when she was no longer in pain. I still felt her loss a very great deal more than I had expected to. I too do not have my own children

I really admire how she dealt with the pain and struggle of her later years and got to see her more as a person than as just 'my mother'. I honour her memory by doing the things I know she wanted to be part of my life, which I tended to rebel against when she was here for me to rebel against.

Some things are a bit trivial, including taking more interest in 'girlie' things like clothes and hair, I am much better groomed than I ever when she was here to show me how to do it. More importantly, I am very friendly and welcoming to people who need a friend. Support charities in causes dear to her heart.

All these things I do because she taught me and it feels as if I continue her legacy in this way.

@YouveCatToBeKittenMe that's such a lovely find - how wonderful to have that video of her.

@FinallyHere yes our situations sound very similar. My Mum's last couple of years were terrible - dementia is a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I thought I'd grieved her loss - the person she was - when the disease had progressed to the stage when she could no longer walk and talk. But I've found that I'd barely scratched the surface; the grief I feel seems bottomless. However like you, I find myself doing more things that she used to, as a way of being closer to her.

This thread makes me cry every time I read it, so I am going to step away for a bit so that I can reflect on what everyone has said. But I am so thankful and grateful to each and every one of you for taking the time to respond. It has made me feel less alone ❤

Oh my OP, this resonates so hard with me.

My mum and I had a tricky relationship over the last few years but we both knew (I think, we never discussed it) that we were there for each other 100%.
We became close again and I was present when she died very suddenly last year and I have felt a bit hypocritical to feel so overwhelmed by her death as we weren't so close before she died. Some folk have suggested I should be 'grieving harder' as she was my mum, others judging me as they knew things hadn't been great for a while.

I never thought of it as a loss of my past, she was the gatekeeper of the family knowledge - she knew all the intricacies and stories, I find myself thinking 'oh mum'll know that' but momentarily forgetting that I can't ask her. The sort of stuff that is irrelevant to literally anyone else but me.

I never considered the biological link - your belly button thing stopped me in my tracks when I read it just now. If anything my mum's death has made me reevaluate the relationship I have with my family - I am fortunate to have 2 teen dc who are very anti-needing-any-help-from-mum unless it involves food, money or transport and I have been trying to find ways of getting back involved with them iykwim.

The relationship with my dad (they were divorced 35 years ago) and very lovely step mum has also altered - I've asked a lot of them this year and as my remaining parent(s) I think they feel like they need to be a bit 'extra', I can't put it into words really.

Thanks for posting op. It's wierd isn't it, you spend your whole life knowing that at some point, whatever your relationship with her, your mum is likely to die before you. I don't think there's a standard way to feel although folk are very quick to judge if you're not doing it 'right'.

I felt nothing but relief when my mother died. For a long while I thought a torrent of grief would flow at some point, but it hasn't. I think I did my grieving drip by drip over the years as she became more of an alcoholic and more mentally ill. Every time she let me down or put me or my children in harm's way was another cut in that primal link. She didn't have much of a healthy relationship with her mother either and didn't have the skills to create one with me.

I've always had the attitude I should be kind to Mum all the time not just the one-day
So true, MoveForward. Also, as a few of my friends have died since covid began, I've also taken to telling the people I love how important they are to me, the special things with each individual. Just in a few words, eg "I've always enjoyed your stories" or "I really appreciate how you listen to me". I hate to think someone would die without knowing how much they meant.

YouveCatToBeKittenMe What a treasure you found! How lovely, and worth all the money and effort of getting the video made useable. That lifts my heart just thinking about you seeing your mum dancing.

This thread makes me cry every time I read it, so I am going to step away for a bit so that I can reflect on what everyone has said.

So sorry to hear your Mum had dementia, OP. A sudden death, like both my parents, is awful, but seeing them go downhill with dementia would have been so much worse. As time passes I hope those memories will fade and your happy memories of her love will stay in full colour.

My Mum is still with me when I have a moral decision to make, saying "I know you will do the right thing". So of course I have to! Ironically, it's usually about things I do for my elderly in-laws, when my parents' sudden deaths meant I had very little chance to do anything for them. Hence, as PP said, I now know to treasure people while I can.

Wishing you peace of mind and happiness, OP and all here.

I felt exactly the same . It wasn't unexpected and she was 92 . But I was heartbroken because I knew no one would ever live me so unconditionally again. The person who comforted me the most was the retired pub landlord we bumped into later that day . Seeing I was upset he said well you were obviously lucky to have had such a good relationship with your mum . I don't know if reading between the lines he hadn't. And I just thought yes you're right . Perhaps that will help you as well .

My Mum had cancer but it was remarkably quick because it had spread to her liver. 3 months from diagnosis. 4 months from first feeling unwell.

Only 10 days before she died she had an appointment to discuss palliative chemo options with an oncologist and she recorded the meeting for me to listen to after as she knew she would forget the detail. I cherish that recording although it's a strange one to hold dear. She was in the process of deciding on palliative chemo when she took a sharp downhill turn one weekend and I cared for her, at home, until she died whilst with just me and Dad. It was very difficult as it was a weekend and she wasn't on any particular end of life pathway so I was calling doctors but they weren't taking me seriously and only giving me phone call.consultations

I do also feel privileged being there at the end too - that might sound strange.

She never did get time to let the doctors know her choice but I found a note book yesterday that I'd given her to make notes in when she was with the consultant and she'd written "I don't want chemo unless it's to stop pain" so at least I know what her decision was and she only had pain requiring more than paracetamol for two days.

We are also very blessed to have cine film footage which I had digitalised for Christmas. Their honeymoon, me and my brother as.children and all my grandparents are in the films. Worth every (expensive) penny. Plus I can prove I was once adorable!

Love to you all for tomorrow x

You arr right....we should tell.people more how they make us feel so.they truly know.

The thing about Mum's death was it was the first where, for some reason, I also woke up to the fact we are all mortal - something I had naively ignored or not connected with before. That's been scary to work through and to (sort of) come to terms with.

I did have a breakdown last October and Mum's death was a big part of the trigger (although not the only thing). All.in all its been like living in a whirlwind a bit and it's things like therapy, threads like this, and talking that have helped me inch forward to where I am.today.

Thanks for starting it OP.

I don't think it's possible to tell someone what they fully mean to them until it's too late.

There's nothing like losing your Mum- it's a fundamental loss. OP you put it into words more than I've been able to and it's been 16 years.

Checking back in to say thank you again for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I appreciate the time you have taken and it's made me feel far less alone in this. The grief I can make sense of - it was the feeling of disconnection and a broken link that I couldn't understand. It's very comforting to know that it's not just me feeling like this.

My Mum died when I was 13 and my Dad died when I was 20. I suppose I am an adult orphan. I loved my MUM so much, I couldn't believe she had gone. I loved my father too, but it is not the same. I have the book "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman, and I am sure you will find comfort in it.