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Feminism: sex and gender

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Feminism: sex and gender

Feminism: chat

Surrogacy thread on Reddit has boiled my blood

39 replies

User6gh · 01/12/2022 02:30

I just can’t believe what I’m reading. The idea that it’s the birthday party invitation up for debate here and not the act of surrogacy shows how fecking wonky the world has gotten about these things. A few people in the comments arguing that surrogacy is wrong but it’s generally met with “SIL went into it willingly”. Most people actually just answering the question at hand.

Surrogacy thread on Reddit has boiled my blood

OP posts:

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CuriousEats · 01/12/2022 02:42

Its all about her isnt it. Not a thought for the grieving husband or children. There's no monetary compensation that could ever be enough for the life of a wife and mother. And what a minimising way to phrase that her SIL died giving birth to her surrogate child. No responsibility taken whatsoever. Its like it was just an unfortunate coincidence.

Looks like pregnancy was a huge risk to her too.

User6gh · 01/12/2022 02:50

Absolutely no remorse is there? No hindsight thinking that surrogacy was a shit idea. You’d think in another universe she’d be looking back thinking “why did anyone let us do that?”. I’m assuming (although not checked) that she’s in America, where they’re so overcome with their own entitlement that it never crosses their mind. There’s no way that woman ever considered she might die; she’d have dismissed it as something so vanishingly unlikely that it wasn’t worth a second thought. Which is exactly why it should be illegal!

OP posts:

Msgrieves · 01/12/2022 02:50

Reddit is a cesspool, moderated mostly by God knows who. They have deleted any sub with any tolerance of balanced values. The only places you will hear any pushback against TRA rhetoric are the conspiracy subs, which are all brigaded to hell anyway. Its a lost cause. I mean the Joe rogan sub is now dedicated to hating on Joe rogan . Its like every sub is inverted (some seem tiny enough to avoid the inquisition) there is about zero chance that this change is organic. If there is any magical place where people can speak plainly without being deleted I am unaware of it.

AttilaTheUOkHun · 01/12/2022 02:52

That can't be real...

Ivyonafence · 01/12/2022 02:53

Good lord, I can't believe anyone would write that.

Absolutely all about her, disgusting. No regret or insight at all. I can't imagine how the widower feels.

User6gh · 01/12/2022 02:54

I really hope you’re right. I don’t use Reddit nearly enough to be able to spot trolls. Middle of the night desperate boredom has lead me there but I don’t think I’ll be returning!

OP posts:

Ivyonafence · 01/12/2022 02:54

The way she phrases that she 'unfortunately passed away the same day my beautiful son was born' like it was a random coincidence and not a risk that woman bore for her.

Curtainsorblinds · 01/12/2022 03:06

Surely that can’t be a real post?! No one could be that cold hearted or stupid? Absolutely awful.

user1477391263 · 01/12/2022 03:11

I'm pretty sure that's fake. The OP sounds too callous to be true.

And the death of a surrogate probably would have been reported in the news--like this case was. people.com/human-interest/california-mom-of-two-surrogate-dies-giving-birth/ There are no news stories that fit the details of this story.

DrJump · 01/12/2022 03:15

That post is callous. I just can't even believe it's real.

User6gh · 01/12/2022 05:28

Speaks volumes that if this was AIBU I’d have immediately dismissed it as a troll. Because AITA is so American heavy I didn’t even consider it; the place is akin to a dystopian nightmare. Good detective work user1477391263. The trouble is, birthday party aside, the scenario could so easily be real as that news article shows.

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FannyCann · 01/12/2022 08:16

The thing is the deaths of surrogate mothers in the USA are often covered up, contracts have NDAs and there is no medical oversight in the way the UK has MBRRACE auditing maternal mortality. Often the only way the death is a surrogate mother is heard about is when someone notices a gofundme raising money for the family. So I think User is incorrect saying the death would have been reported. Jennifer Lahl who campaigns against surrogacy and keeps watch in these things often complains about the difficulty of monitoring deaths of surrogate mothers.

WomaninBoots · 01/12/2022 16:09

If that is real, it is inhuman.

I wonder how much "fair monetary compensation" is for the life of a mother of three.

Helleofabore · 01/12/2022 16:14

I tend to think that this is a true post. I mean, we hear about this often enough. Women dying in surrogacy, or having such significant complications that they are left wheel chair bound, or the information now coming out about the increased risk to any woman carrying a child that is not her own.

Why is it so unbelievable that this might happen?

WomaninBoots · 01/12/2022 16:17

I think it's the attitude of the woman writing the post that is unbelievable rather than the scenario (which I can well believe). It is so awful. No remorse or regret or sensitivity.

I believe it though. It is just so horrifying I'd rather it wasn't true.

MintyFreshOne · 01/12/2022 16:19

I really hope that’s fake 😢

MintyFreshOne · 01/12/2022 16:20

information now coming out about the increased risk to any woman carrying a child that is not her own

Source? Genuinely interested

NadjaCravensworth · 01/12/2022 16:30

Its a shit post

Helleofabore · 01/12/2022 17:01

MintyFreshOne · 01/12/2022 16:20

information now coming out about the increased risk to any woman carrying a child that is not her own

Source? Genuinely interested

I am sure I can find better link later but I am about to go out. If I remember correctly, it was associated with IVF.

fortune.com/well/2022/11/17/business-thriving-surrogates-risks-reproductive-ethics-debate-america-carolyn-barber/

In the analysis, surrogate pregnancies (those with a single baby) had higher rates of maternal complications, including gestational diabetes,
hypertension, placenta previa, and c-section–and were three times more likely to result in preterm birth when compared with their own spontaneous pregnancies.

There are some links in this article. I will look for others tomorrow.

Delphinium20 · 01/12/2022 17:15

Depending on where the surrogate mother lives, the birth could have been recorded as her child and then later an adoption would have been needed to make the baby a legal child of the commissioning father as her husband would have been the legal father at birth (despite not being the bio father). So, a hospital certainly would have recorded the death but it wouldn't have been recorded as a "surrogate death." No idea if this is fake, but lack of a news story or lack of data noting surrogacy is not surprising if this is in the states.

User6gh · 01/12/2022 18:57

What’s additionally worrying is the amount of commenters on the thread saying the woman knew the risks. We all know that death in childbirth is a possibility, but I refuse to believe the woman understood the risk.

”I’ll carry your baby for you”
”You might die and leave your own children motherless”
”Well that’s a risk I’m willing to take”

No chance. More like “no I won’t, that won’t happen to me!”

Also those commentators comparing it to a job. Apparently lots of jobs come with risks. Ignoring that this was altruistic anyway.

Gah, the whole thing makes me so mad.

OP posts:

Helleofabore · 01/12/2022 19:08

No chance. More like “no I won’t, that won’t happen to me!”

Yes. We often see this on threads about surrogacy.

There is also denial about the risks of egg donation. Maybe not so much an issue here in the UK ( but there is always risk, and there is always the potential of coercion even if it is emotional (friends and family)) but certainly in the USA and it is a know issue to fly women from the USA to Canada and back to harvest their eggs.

I believe I read about a women dying recently from hyper stimulation of the ovaries. I don’t believe this is the only death.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9212082/

I know women in other countries who have been given discounts on their IVF for donating extra eggs. It is all linked. That is coercive by those clinics.

Egg donation has great potential for coercion and exploitation, just as surrogacy has.

There are mounting stories of egg donors having strokes, losing their own fertility amongst other health issues from egg harvesting.

User6gh · 01/12/2022 19:11

A friend of mine could get a discount on IVF if she donated eggs… in the UK. I never considered how coercive it was. (She didn’t do it.)

OP posts:

Helleofabore · 01/12/2022 19:38

User6gh

I didn’t know it was done, here.

Yes. It is financially coercive. It plays on the emotional needs of the woman too.

BedTaker · 01/12/2022 19:42

I feel like it might be fake too. The casual use of 'Unfortunately' and then swiftly moving on.

But then, nothing would surprise me any more when it comes to surrogacy.

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