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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Feminist women who date men! How did you find a man who doesn’t watch porn?

73 replies

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 30/10/2022 17:28

I trust people on feminist site to know how problematic porn is, so I don’t have to go into details as to why I don’t want to date someone who watches it.

I’m interested to know how women who are feminist and would like / do date men navigate this minefield?

This includes of course using sex workers, strippers, OF etc…

OP posts:
Merlott · 30/10/2022 17:33

After a few dates it's usually obvious if a man thinks women are people or not

MargaritaPie · 30/10/2022 17:35

To put it bluntly, there is no way to tell. Looking at porn and acquiring services from the sex industry shall we say are very normal and common and there is no set stereotype (it isn't just middle-aged men in trench-coats).

In the USA John is a slang term for a sex worker's client, because John is one of the most common male names and because a client can be anyone.

Intru · 30/10/2022 17:38

I didn’t include it as a requirement. I don’t think that you are going to have much luck really.

OooooSweetVampireOMine · 30/10/2022 17:39

Find a real man who doesn't look at women as objects.

Longerthanfiveweeks · 30/10/2022 17:40

The guy I was seeing said he didn’t and I believe him because of the way he had sex. At the end of our relationship I suspected he made have paid for sex in the past, which would have been a complete deal breaker if I had known at the start. And he did turn out to be an utter arsehole in very many other ways.

Original poster
Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 30/10/2022 17:44

Merlott · 30/10/2022 17:33

After a few dates it's usually obvious if a man thinks women are people or not

Shit!
This does not help me.
I’m horrible reading people / finding clues.

Do you mind giving some examples?
Totally understand if you don’t want to…

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 30/10/2022 17:47

My dh uses porn on occasion. I am unable to have sex 9/10 and cannot even do things like foreplay due to pain and illness.

I don’t begrudge him a bit of porn. He does watch ones where there are two girls though and I’ve seen it with him. They do appear to be totally consensual and enjoying it.

CrossStichQueen · 30/10/2022 18:02

I cannot remember how the conversation came about between myself and DP pretty early on but we ended up discussing porn.
Hes early 40s so I assumed he had accessed it at some point and I just expressed my opinion on it in relation to the sex industry as a whole, exploitation, trafficking and how I would view it as disrespectful by my partner that he needed to masturbate to images of other women when in a relationship with me.

DP admitted he had used porn in the past and recently at that point never really thinking of the background to it, it was just porn on a screen. He agreed with my view and said he felt quite disgusted at it now after our discussion.

I have no reason to think he has since then used porn and we have had other conversations about it where its clear he has done more reading on the subject and has formed his own opinion which marries up with mine.

Original poster
Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 30/10/2022 18:07

That’s really great that he was willing to listen and even read up on it CrossStichQueen.

OP posts:
hamstersarse · 30/10/2022 18:12

My bf of 9 years doesn't watch porn. We talked about it very early on and still do. We have 4 teenage boys between us and none of them watch it either.

Interestingly, a lot of the influencer guys that some feminists hate, like Jordan Peterson, Andrew Tate, Joe Rogan etc. are all very anti-porn. There is even a 'semen retention' thing going on with these hardcore health influencers who talk constantly about how constant masturbating to porn reduces your testosterone, reduces your vitality, competitiveness and ruins your chances at ever having a normal relationship (and being good at sex - which is a huge motivator for young men!!)

This sort of stuff twitter.com/MasculineTheory/status/1586519640108400641

hamstersarse · 30/10/2022 18:16

twitter.com/AlpacaAurelius/status/1584688789573844997

This guy is also very funny and well followed on Insta/Tik Tok

DeadbeatYoda · 30/10/2022 18:32

When you broach the subject, ask with a smile so they don't think they need to lie. Then if they disclose regular use you can step away.

AnuSTart · 31/10/2022 11:01

I've never met a man who doesn't. (And Quite a few who have claimed not to)
Plenty who have treated me well though.
I think it's always helpful to not stereotype men or anyone for that matter.

Branleuse · 31/10/2022 11:16

I didnt have it as a requirement when i met him, but my feminism has edged away from sex pos/liberal feminism and got a bit more radical over the years. I stopped watching porn myself and with him and he knows I dont like the sex industry, but I have not put any demands for him to not watch it, and I dont really want to start putting my own rules on to what he does when he wanks. I think someone has to come to that sort of conclusion themselves. If he does still watch it then it cant be very often. Id really rather not know, as Id hate anyone to be intrusive into that sort of thing for me. I expect my teenagers watch it too at times. Ive got adult site blocks at internet level plus for their phones, and ive had discussions with all about it.
I very much believe that we dont all have to agree on everything and what family members do or think, dont make me a non-feminist.

Im not saying it isnt a good boundary to have though. Im not sure if id be different if i was starting again with new partner.

tootiredtobother · 31/10/2022 11:23

they don't exist

TheForests · 31/10/2022 11:28

Mine doesn't. But he never did and says he doesn't need or want to. I 100% believe him because we've been together 25 years.
I do watch porn, so I suppose we are a bit of a different kind of couple. I only watch lesbian sex though as the porn with men in is too violent and does not appear to regard the woman's pleasure so much.
I should probably stop

TheForests · 31/10/2022 11:29

tootiredtobother · 31/10/2022 11:23

they don't exist

They absolutely do

RandomMusings7 · 31/10/2022 11:29

My partner watches porn occasionally. He's never been anything but respectful to me in and out of the bedroom. No expectations about how I should look, no pressure to perform acts that have been normalised by porn, very generous and genuinely interested in my pleasure.

Porn is problematic as a societal phenomenon. Porn addiction is problematic for relationships. But occasional use of porn is really not the absolute red flag that women make it out to be. You can consume porn and still have realistic expectations around real sex and a perfectly respectful healthy sex life. This goes for both women and men.

You are allowed to set any standards you wish but by saying no porn users ever you'll restrict your dating pool to a very very small pond and secondly you can never know for sure if your partner really doesn't watch it or is just very good at hiding it.

Branleuse · 31/10/2022 11:30

tootiredtobother · 31/10/2022 11:23

they don't exist

Of course they do.
Obviously its quite socially acceptable and easily accesible for most blokes so its probably a minority of men that never have, but I expect theres plenty that either dont find it erotic and plenty that abstain for ethical reasons.

TheForests · 31/10/2022 11:33

Oh and with regards to where I found him, we met when we were in our twenties. He was abused as a child for a long time and sometimes I wonder if this is why he doesn't like porn. But then I don't actually think anyone needs an excuse not to watch it

TheLeadbetterLife · 31/10/2022 11:35

Personally I don't find the act of a partner masturbating to images of other people (male or female) offensive or disrespectful to me, per se. It's their body and their free time.

However, I don't approve of them using porn for this because of the well-known issues of exploitation, trafficking and consent. My partner knows my views on this and agrees with me, but in truth there's no way for me to know if he uses porn or not. Everyone is hypocritical sometimes.

Original poster
Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 31/10/2022 11:42

It’s interesting how few have no said their partners do watch, but are respectful towards THEM.
That’s nice of course, but they aren’t that nice to other women, are they?
My main concern isin’t wether or not his nice to me (of course they have to, just to be clear) but any man can be / pretend to be nice to a woman as long as it benefits him.
It’s the whole attitude towards of women.
Not just neat little boxes.
”This woman nice - treat with respect. These women - who cares - use and abuse them, I’m goint to at minimum jerk off to it” kind of thinking.

I understand many, many have seen porn / have watched it, but there is so much information now, I don’t understand how people can ignore it and continue to use it.

OP posts:
tootiredtobother · 31/10/2022 12:03

porn comes in different strengths , from the yucky tick tock version to full snuff movies, yes they do all find their level of viewing

Branleuse · 31/10/2022 12:21

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 31/10/2022 11:42

It’s interesting how few have no said their partners do watch, but are respectful towards THEM.
That’s nice of course, but they aren’t that nice to other women, are they?
My main concern isin’t wether or not his nice to me (of course they have to, just to be clear) but any man can be / pretend to be nice to a woman as long as it benefits him.
It’s the whole attitude towards of women.
Not just neat little boxes.
”This woman nice - treat with respect. These women - who cares - use and abuse them, I’m goint to at minimum jerk off to it” kind of thinking.

I understand many, many have seen porn / have watched it, but there is so much information now, I don’t understand how people can ignore it and continue to use it.

I agree with that in many ways, but i think that most people find it easy to make a huge distinction between those they love, and those they dont know at all. Most of us benefit daily from the exploitation and abuse of others. The sex industry is a particularly horrid example admittedly. The cognitive dissonance in all our lives has to be quite huge in order for us to not just refuse to participate in society at all.

IntentionalError · 31/10/2022 12:25

You can’t.

All men watch porn. Some admit it, the rest lie about it. It is incredibly naive to think otherwise in 2022.

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