Feminist women who date men! How did you find a man who doesn’t watch porn?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

I trust people on feminist site to know how problematic porn is, so I don’t have to go into details as to why I don’t want to date someone who watches it.

I’m interested to know how women who are feminist and would like / do date men navigate this minefield?

This includes of course using sex workers, strippers, OF etc…

@EBearhug

Women may look like they're consenting, and probably some are, but others may be good actors who want to get paid.

I think this can be said about both the men and women in porn movies. They're being used by the industry...I doubt they they ...yes the men want to be performing for other people's pleasure. They do it for the money.

But if you put on a dating profile that you will not consider anyone who watches porn, many will just swipe no

I agree.

They'll just think you're a prudish person and won't be bothered with you.

A lot of people are saying maybe or only religious men wouldn't.

I don't buy that...religious men will happily break their marriage vows and have affairs... but not watch porn! Nah.

I remember some years back, an OW was having an affair with a married pastor...yes indeed... and he tells her, he can't see her during lent, as he's giving up sex with her for his lenten promise.

Oh the irony.

But if you put on a dating profile that you will not consider anyone who watches porn, many will just swipe no

If only it would be this is.
It would be perfect if they just easily selected themselves out.
My worry would be that they would just lie and enjoy the deceit or start harrassing me.
I don’t know what it is with porn watching men, they get so angry if a woman doesn’t want that in their lives.

I don't buy that...religious men will happily break their marriage vows and have affairs... but not watch porn! Nah.

I agree with this - there will be some men who take their religion seriously, but others... i had one date who gave it up over Ramadan, but the rest of the time, had no issue with porn or anything. The particular religion doesn't matter. (I don't drink. I get men making a lot of wrong assumptions.)

I don’t know what it is with porn watching men, they get so angry if a woman doesn’t want that in their lives.

They're arseholes. There are a lot of them out there.

Yes, I don't want to suggest there aren't other men who don't watch porn, just in my own experience these are the only men I know who talk about it publicly with other men and reach out to help each other.

My husband tells me his friends and the men he knows never discuss sex or porn between themselves or anything like that. I believe him because the odd time he's told me when someone (usually a friend of a friend) has started talking about things like that he's always told me, with distaste.

My dh and adult ds do not watch porn. Seriously. They know what I think of it and have decided for themselves that I am right. I also believe quite a lot of men find it secretly to be a turn off, after the initial novelty, humiliating and sad. They just would never admit it to other men.

Yeah sure. Your adult son tells his mum he doesn’t watch porn so therefore he doesn’t 😂 😂

Also, what a weird and intrusive conversation to have!

My DH and I watched a documentary about porn production and it was really sobering. I was on the fence about porn before I watched it because I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with watching stuff to have a private wank to, but the fact that the porn industry objectifies women in general and horribly exploits some women (and men tbf) specifically is untenable. And as I've got older I have less patience with that shit.

Since we watched it DH doesn't watch porn either and I know he's telling the truth because he was the one who said he felt horrible watching it after watching that documentary and had stopped - when I hadn't really mentioned it. He is also somebody who will change their habits based on an intellectual argument - much more than I am. That's one of the things I love about him.

So OP (and hello from the other thread, I'm starting to see what you mean reading this one) I think you can have a conversation about it with men and you don't have to accept it as a given. Not that you seem like you would tbh.

@EBearhug in my post I specifically said they are DEVOUT and they work with each other to combat porn and all its issues. Of course if for men their faith is nominal or they going through the motions they aren’t attempting to change. Men working with each other and recognizing how tempted they are to use it are way more realistic than many women it seems. Yes, it’s a minority of even religious men. My only point was these are the only men I am ware if that openly talk about porn and work together to combat it.

There are plenty of delusional women in this thread that claim every man in their immediate circle never watches porn. If they are not actively
fighting it and connecting with other men to do so they most likely are indulging. They just know what you want to hear. I’m not saying all men watch porn, but studies show the vast majority do.

@Ffsjustltb yes of course the adult men in your life have agreed with you and “secretly” disapprove of all the other men attracted by porn. People who love you know what you want to hear, are they actively blocking everything that comes into the house and on their phones? If not.....

My DH has never had the slightest interest in porn. I was initially quite open to the idea as I had assumed it was something all men did, but apparently not. Now, I quite like the idea that it's just him and me and he isn't using other women as sex objects apart from possibly Kate Beckinsale circa when Underworld came out.

My dh and adult ds do not watch porn. Seriously. They know what I think of it and have decided for themselves that I am right

Yeah...just like all the men who say they abhor cheating... until they do it.

Like your adult sons will tell you if they watch porn... why would they. It would be so weird if they did.

I don't know why it is such a challenging idea that a man might independently or with guidance reach the conclusion that 99% of pornography is denigrating to women and very likely directly abusive- who wants to look at that? who is going to be turned on by that? Of course you will struggle to find a man who has never even seen it, but I don't think its so unlikely that a man could see what we see and think 'ugh, no'

"John" is also a long-standing US-American term for toilet, outhouse, commode, or chamber pot. 😁

Seriously, though, the use of "john" to mean a prostitute's client is almost exactly the opposite of what you posted. Because John was such a common male name, clients or solicitors of prostitutes used it for anonymity, because the practice of hiring someone to have sex was not at all socially acceptable and these consumers couldn't risk having their real names associated with the practice. The one fake "john" buying sex got lost in the sea of regular "Johns" who were not. Incidentally, prostitution is still illegal in 49 states (and areas of the 50th).

Paying for sex is not the same type of economic or physical activity as consuming porn, though.

Mine doesn't because he knows I don't like it and he started to question his own use of it after I explained why I didn't like it. He read some articles by Gail Dines and decided he didn't like how the girls were treated and that was it for him.

Some blokes just need waking up and are quite happy to leave it alone. A few of my male friends including a gay one have all said to me recently they don't want to watch it anymore because it's starting to be too rough and unpleasant. They are a bit older though - 50+

Was also going to say - these guys tend to say the same thing - that the sites have a lot of horrible stuff on them that they don't like to see along the way - the choking etc which feature in the menus of the sites. A couple of them mentioned the comparison and performance issues. One said he gets put off by the focus on anal.

The men I have these conversations with are old friends who are pretty emotionally competent at talking about their mental health etc so tend to be quite reflective. Might also be linked with aging and performance anxiety and comparison with the drilling clone meat men in most videos.

I made it clear that I would not enter a relationship with a man who uses porn, nor with a man who thinks it is acceptable to use porn.

Of course there are men who don't use porn. I imagine most men (and women) have looked at it at some point, probably in adolescence, but that doesn't mean they continue to.

Misogyny and sexism are the main issue for me. Objectifying women, the myth of men having higher "needs" or sex drives, the male gaze...all horrifying components of a wider context of abuse, oppression and widespread suffering. And that's aside from the potential abuses and exploitation in the porn industry.

I might, in theory, consider mutual pornwatching if enticing enough, proven ethical, feminist porn were available, if such can be said to be possible.

However, on a personal I'd find it upsetting if my partner was looking at other women and I'd think something wrong with our relationship if I found myself fancying other men. I know others feel differently and that's fine, but it's not for me.

Fortunately not all men are socially and politically undereducated misogynist wankers.

My Guardian Soulmates profile, by the way, simply stated, "only feminists need apply." I decided that as a single mum I didn't have time to waste discussing non-negotiables. I was surprised I got quite a few nice responses! 😂.

I'm in my late twenties and I think finding a man my age/thirties who has independently decided to reject porn because of its misogyny, is almost fantasy. I think there will be some religious men who don't watch it (and of course religious men who do) and some former addicts/dependents who have realised its negative effects on them as men and managed to wean themselves off it. Even many of the previous posters have said their partners stopped watching it at a certain point in the relationship - they hadn't decided to stop watching porn as single men or as soon as they were in the relationship. It can be quite depressing because like you OP it is a deal breaker for me, and whilst I believe and hope there are men out there who don't watch porn, I think they are few and far between.

When it comes to strategies, I like the FDS (female dating strategy) advice to keep your cards close to your chest and ask a man about his opinions on porn without him thinking that you're judging him. The aim is to get him to tell you truthfully about his porn usage because many men will minimise/lie about it to appease you. FDS would say dump him if he admits he watches porn and I would generally agree in order to not waste your time, except that I think there are some men who are amenable to listening about the issues with porn and might actually change as a result. (I don't agree with everything FDS says at all, but I do recommend it to any woman looking to date men as it encourages you to fiercely protect your boundaries).

The other thing I do is TALK about porn with friends, family, acquaintances and colleagues. It's important to pick your moments, don't bring it up all the time, be rational and articulate in order to be taken seriously, but we need to speak out, find the other women who hate porn and band together, educate men and expose this cognitive dissonance, expose the lies about "choice", expose a criminal industry. Lots of women hate porn and lots bury their heads in the sand when their partners watch it because they feel they have no choice, because "all men watch porn" and it's "normal". Well we need to point out that it isn't normal to watch commercialised rape, torture, degradation, exploitation, paedophilia, incest, bestiality etc. The more we as individuals speak out, the more we embolden others to speak and the resistance movement grows. On a small level just among friends and acquaintances by talking you create disruption in the sense of normality and accepted culture, even if you don't change anyone's opinions overnight.

I'd be interested to know how your dating adventure goes and let us know if you find someone suitable! I'm keen to learn from other feminists too🙂

I think it's mostly something anyone does in teens and twenties and then realises.
Obviously some don't and that's maybe an addiction/ maturity issue.

I don't think you can ever really know, however the way men have sex and treat you in general is pretty telling.

I came to say the same. The only men I know who would be against it are strong Christian men that are actively trying to avoid it.

Agree with everything @thedankness says!

My ex rarely did.. he did when younger but was with me 14 years, a sexual being, great at sex and rarely watched it as preferred waiting for the real thing. I know it was true as I sometimes used to ask him to watch porn/have a wank if I wasn't in the mood but he didn't want to. I also used to watch it myself (don't now) so he knew I was cool about it all but he just wasn't fussed.
He was also the type to not perv on women, add randomers, like sexy fb posts etc.

I had sex with a porn addict who hasn't been with a woman for years and even when he was sleeping with a lot of women he never learned how. It was so obvious he didn't have a clue.
He was also the type to constantly look at women, like all their thirsty fb pictures etc.

Wonder if it's linked.. if he's a generally unsleazy, unpervy, no wandering eyes or making you insecure type then chances are he's not a porn addict.

of course its linked!
anyone who likes real women and real sex in real life is not going to enjoy porn

maybe porn is like fast food- zero effort, superficially pleasurable, addictive, unhealthy and harmful to those who produce and consume it

contrast with healthy food- genuinely delicious, requires some effort, nourishes body and mind, can be produced without harm to anyone