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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Feminist women who date men! How did you find a man who doesn’t watch porn?

73 replies

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 30/10/2022 17:28

I trust people on feminist site to know how problematic porn is, so I don’t have to go into details as to why I don’t want to date someone who watches it.

I’m interested to know how women who are feminist and would like / do date men navigate this minefield?

This includes of course using sex workers, strippers, OF etc…

OP posts:
FleecyMcFleeceFace · 31/10/2022 12:27

I don't think dh's use of porn, or not, is my business. I have no idea if he watches it sometimes or never. Even if he said 'never', I would take that to mean 'not often', perhaps.

I care how he treats me, the women in our family, our female friends, his female coworkers. I care how he votes and the way women are paid, treated and promoted where he is their manager. I care how he talks about his female managers at work. How he talks about women in general and.how he treats tjem in interactions I witness or hear about. And he is exceptionally kind and respectful, without fail.

If he is watching porn in private, that is his business. He's an adult and is making his own ethical decisions in life, some of which I will not be aware of, some of which I will not agree with. I can only make an assessment on the behaviour I witness. He seems like a good man.

RandomMusings7 · 31/10/2022 12:37

IntentionalError · 31/10/2022 12:25

You can’t.

All men watch porn. Some admit it, the rest lie about it. It is incredibly naive to think otherwise in 2022.

Yep. I'll be called ridiculous and all kinds of names, but I also think almost all men (99%) watch porn occasionally, especially those under 35-40, having had it readily available in teenage years.

The number of women who just know their partners don't watch it and the sheer size of the industry and traffic to porn sites just don't match up. Men lie about it to keep the peace.

TheForests · 31/10/2022 12:39

IntentionalError · 31/10/2022 12:25

You can’t.

All men watch porn. Some admit it, the rest lie about it. It is incredibly naive to think otherwise in 2022.

Seriously? I wish you could meet my DH. He's a normal person with a normal sex drive, he doesn't watch porn. I am 100% sure. Don't call me naive. I've told him I watch it Vic ask ally so there is no reason why he should lie to me

TheForests · 31/10/2022 12:39

I feel sorry for you really.

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 31/10/2022 12:45

IntentionalError · 31/10/2022 12:25

You can’t.

All men watch porn. Some admit it, the rest lie about it. It is incredibly naive to think otherwise in 2022.

This is such a sad response. Of course a huge number of men do but there is still a section of population who don't.
My partner doesn't, not because I've asked or insisted, not because he isn't sexual but simply because it doesn't do it for him to watch manufactured sex these days. He did as a younger man and we are very open about all things sex related. I am 100% confident that he doesn't watch it now, and while I wouldn't love it if he was he knows it wouldn't be something he had to hide from me.

CellarBellaatemycoal · 31/10/2022 12:49

I’m sorry but to the mum with 4 teen sons and a bf who all definitely don’t watch porn… how in earth do you know?!
and if you have this level of intrusion into your teen sons habits, would it be surprising if they didn’t admit to it?
it’s not exactly a dinner table topic is it, and presumably if your children are aware of your feelings about porn they’d go to great lengths to cover their tracks.
I’m also a mum to teens, but I don’t credit myself with any deep knowledge of their porn viewing habits (honestly I’d rather not know ). There comes a point with teens where ignorance is bliss , surely?

Branleuse · 31/10/2022 13:01

FleecyMcFleeceFace · 31/10/2022 12:27

I don't think dh's use of porn, or not, is my business. I have no idea if he watches it sometimes or never. Even if he said 'never', I would take that to mean 'not often', perhaps.

I care how he treats me, the women in our family, our female friends, his female coworkers. I care how he votes and the way women are paid, treated and promoted where he is their manager. I care how he talks about his female managers at work. How he talks about women in general and.how he treats tjem in interactions I witness or hear about. And he is exceptionally kind and respectful, without fail.

If he is watching porn in private, that is his business. He's an adult and is making his own ethical decisions in life, some of which I will not be aware of, some of which I will not agree with. I can only make an assessment on the behaviour I witness. He seems like a good man.

Thats how I think.
I know my partner has strong views on things like leaked sex tapes - i remember years ago i wanted to watch one, i cant remember who it even was now, and he said he didnt want to as he thought that was private and not consented to being leaked. I think he has always thought that women maybe do porn because they enjoy sex. The ol' happy hooker trope.
Weve had several discussions over the last few years about how thats likely to be bullshit and he seems to agree with me, but ive stopped short of telling him what he can and cant do.
Also he absolutely seems to treat women as people and has had arguments with his own family members about things like cat calling and harrassment, and I feel pretty confident hes on the right side of the fence for me. I tend to feel putting rules down for other people means they put down rules for you

mondaytosunday · 31/10/2022 13:14

Uh, it wasn't exactly one of the questions I thought to ask! I don't think most guys I dated looked at porn much beyond early 20s. My husband didn't like it or see the point. I'm sure my teenage son does!

Original poster
Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 31/10/2022 13:56

IntentionalError · 31/10/2022 12:25

You can’t.

All men watch porn. Some admit it, the rest lie about it. It is incredibly naive to think otherwise in 2022.

Isin’t it fascinating how ’all men’ is allowed when it comes to porn, in any other topic of male behaviour and you’d be in big trouble.

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 31/10/2022 14:09

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup suppose you found a partner who swears he doesn't watch it. How are you going to ensure he's telling the truth? It's something that's very very easy to hide. Are you going to monitor his devices? Never let him out of your sight?

Girlsontour · 31/10/2022 14:23

You are mostly likely not going to like my answer but the only men I am aware of who are against porn and actively try not to watch it are religious men I know. They are devout Catholic men who have started ministries to support men who want to stop watching porn and acknowledge how tempted and addictive it is. I say “try” because they don’t pretend it isn’t very difficult for boys and men who have been saturated in a culture that presents them with porn as normal and is available 24/7. They hold each other accountable and they actively do whatever they can to not be exposed to it and not let their kids be exposed to it. They also know it’s a struggle and a temptation they can easily fall into. It’s like any other addiction where you have to take each day at a time and if you fall you have to ask for forgiveness and get back on the wagon.

As far as I can tell almost all other men (and a lot of women) don’t see it as problem. There is obviously no society wide demand to make porn inaccessible to children for example.

Girlsontour · 31/10/2022 14:32

This is the kind of thing I am referring to cleanheart.online

Original poster
Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 31/10/2022 14:37

RandomMusings7 · 31/10/2022 14:09

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup suppose you found a partner who swears he doesn't watch it. How are you going to ensure he's telling the truth? It's something that's very very easy to hide. Are you going to monitor his devices? Never let him out of your sight?

Of course not, that’s pathetic and waste of a good life.
Guess it would be trust then, as much as I learned to trust he won’t cheat on me, steal from me, turn violent, be an addict… And if it turns out he lied - then leave.

I’d just like to find a lovely man who, with his own thinking, had come to the conclusion that he doesn’t want to support anti-women industry and views.

I have no interest to change anyone, control anyone or check up on their behaviour.

For me, this is that thing I can’t look past, I just can’t see someone who is okey with it all to be someone I want to be a life partner with.

OP posts:
TheForests · 31/10/2022 15:00

I feel like nobody is listening to me!

MY DH DOES NOT WATCH PORN. HE IS NOT RELIGIOUS. HE IS NOT WEIRD. HE HAS NO INTEREST IN IT.

There must be other men because he is pretty normal. We have an active sex life. Don't give up!

EBearhug · 31/10/2022 15:04

I think it has to be trust, and a discussion around the sex industry. Very, very few men in this day and age won't have seen any porn, but having your mate Dave down the pub share it without asking is a different thing from watching the whole video, or seeking it out. Some men are aware of consent, trafficking and so on, and will choose not to watch it for those reasons. Women may look like they're consenting, and probably some are, but others may be good actors who want to get paid.

But if you put on a dating profile that you will not consider anyone who watches porn, many will just swipe no, and most of the others will either lie or be deeply religious (which you might be fine with, but not everyone will be.) I would suspect most of them would lie, and that's after filtering out all the married ones etc.

Good luck...

FKATondelayo · 31/10/2022 15:07

I believe the latest stat is (post-pandemic) that 97% of men watch porn. That leaves around 1M men in the UK who don't so I believe you TheForests

TheForests · 31/10/2022 15:07

Thank you Smile

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 31/10/2022 15:23

TheForests · 31/10/2022 15:00

I feel like nobody is listening to me!

MY DH DOES NOT WATCH PORN. HE IS NOT RELIGIOUS. HE IS NOT WEIRD. HE HAS NO INTEREST IN IT.

There must be other men because he is pretty normal. We have an active sex life. Don't give up!

I believe you because my OH is the same. And people can try to tell me I'm naive as much as they like, I know what I know.

Girlsontour · 31/10/2022 15:25

Yes, I don't want to suggest there aren't other men who don't watch porn, just in my own experience these are the only men I know who talk about it publicly with other men and reach out to help each other.

I believe there are similar kinds of communities on Reddit so they are out there.

It will come down to values.

nodogz · 31/10/2022 15:47

Probably if you find someone with matching values to you on a wider range of subjects they will adapt to or meet your asks about porn.

I'm 40s (so old) but when I met MrNoDogz in my 20s we didn't really think about porn. I think he went to strip clubs on stags etc. I wasn't bothered. However, we discussed it and he told me he would never pay for sex (and I believe him, his morals/personal standpoint is that some things can't be bought)

As we've got older, our views have changed slightly. He's seen some of his friends get into lapdancers and it's repulsed him a bit as we're a lot older than dancers now. And noticed some friends are straying in to creepy men territory. He's had to say to colleagues that it's not appropriate to entertain clients at lap dancing clubs. He's been around my friends who laugh and talk openly about relationships and sexual assault. He's seen men approach me in bars when he's in the loo and apologise to HIM for talking to me when he comes back. He's seen how I get treated in healthcare and the workplace.

ShhDoNotTell · 03/11/2022 01:04

I think it’s very sad that there are women here who not only assume that ‘all’ of any category of person does something, but that also women shouldn’t trust their partners. How do you know he’s not cheating, has a drug habit, a gambling addiction, tortures animals for fun? What a hideous way to live to assume someone is hiding something all the time.

It’s a deal breaker for me. As are my values. When I got with my partner I started talking around values, and being gender critical was the first, as I’ve been quite active in it. I explained a bit about it, and though he wasn’t aware of some of the things that had happened, he was gender critical himself. He then asked ME about my views on prostitution and porn, and went on to explain a couple of things about himself. The first was a previous partner of his was really into porn and insisted they watch it together. He said it was one of the things that massively messed up their relationship as he had reluctantly agreed to make her happy and it really messed with his self esteem and his sex drive. The second was that he had worked in several humanitarian projects that tried to assist women out of prostitution by helping support them financially in other ways, and also mentally and emotionally. He said the stories he’d heard and the devastation he had seen meant he couldn’t be with someone who was pro-prostitution, porn, stripping etc.

So yeah. I lucked out, I reckon.

Frankly, if I thought all men watched porn I would remain single.

CousinKrispy · 04/11/2022 13:58

I think you just have to get to know someone really well and have very open conversations around sex. There are men out there who just aren't interested in watching porn and find it offputting, and that will become evident through getting to know each other and communicating openly. That does take time.

I feel it's less important to GUARANTEE that the man has never, ever watched a moment of porn and never, ever will, than to have a relationship built on shared values, communication, and well-earned trust. In that situation I don't feel any need to prove to other people that he isn't using it, so all the "But how do you KNOW he isn't using it?!" questions are irrelevant.

Kierkegaardslover · 04/11/2022 14:01

MargaritaPie · 30/10/2022 17:35

To put it bluntly, there is no way to tell. Looking at porn and acquiring services from the sex industry shall we say are very normal and common and there is no set stereotype (it isn't just middle-aged men in trench-coats).

In the USA John is a slang term for a sex worker's client, because John is one of the most common male names and because a client can be anyone.

Finding services in the sex industry is not normal.

Watching porn is normal.

I would say just set your boundaries. It's challenging to find someone who have never watched porn but you can ask them not to whilst in a relationship with you. Men who trust and respect you, and will likely have a good relationship, will respect your opinions. If they don't wish to impose those boundaries on themselves then the relationship isn't right. Will make daring harder but it's up to you to set your own boundaries

Kierkegaardslover · 04/11/2022 14:16

IntentionalError · 31/10/2022 12:25

You can’t.

All men watch porn. Some admit it, the rest lie about it. It is incredibly naive to think otherwise in 2022.

I agree with this to an extent. But as in my previous comment, if you have an explicit conversation about it, and they are a decent person, they will respect those views.

If you haven't had an explicit conversation it is very likely your partner watches porn. I was naive with my partner and walked in on him. I had a conversation with him and explained my issues with it but said I did not feel it was a boundary I could apply to him, he needed to make the decision and I would respect it. He made the decision not to watch porn anymore (it wasn't an ultimatum) and as it was his choice, I feel I can trust him.

SandyY2K · 04/11/2022 14:23

@CellarBellaatemycoal 31/10/2022 12:49

I’m sorry but to the mum with 4 teen sons and a bf who all definitely don’t watch porn… how in earth do you know?!
and if you have this level of intrusion into your teen sons habits, would it be surprising if they didn’t admit to it?

I thought exactly this.

There is no way she can know these teenagers don't watch porn.

It's absolutely crazy to think she would know.

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