Should women be expected to be sexual in menopause

[Shazanne]

Having had yet another argument about my lack of libido, I was ready to walk out of my marriage yesterday. I do not want sex and I don't want to be pressurised to change who I am by anyone, even my husband. Why can't I just grow old gracefully enjoying my life and being me without the burden of another person's sex drive weighing me down.. Societal pressures on women to be sexual all their lives is downright annoying.. I am happy with who I am right now. I don't want to be fixed, yet is that selfish? I don't want HRT. I don't want sexual attention, even if I still am attractive to others. I am not defective. My body is changing, I accept that... Why can't others accept it? Why is a fifty odd year old woman expected still to be the sex object or be the same as a girl in her twenties.. I have changed and I am happy. I don't want to be fixed. I want acceptance for who I am now. I am possibly asexual now and whilst this might be distressing to those who need my body for sex, I wish they'd leave me alone and stop nagging me or trying to make me feel guilty. Perhaps I am heartless but I do love my husband but I just cannot be who he wants me to be.I cannot turn the clock back. I realise it could be a deal breaker in marriage longterm, but I never signed up to the expectation of being permanently available. My generation, our mother's never told us about mismatched sex drives. Yet when you look online the message is clear.. Women have to be fixed to enjoy a long sexlife... But is this always for the woman's benefit? We're not normal if we don't want sex... Hey nature made me this way and I accept it.. I will age as I choose to age.... The worst thing in menopause is coming to terms with end of fertile years, the hot flushes, the creaky joints, maybe more emotional, but other than that I feel much happier in myself, confident of who I am and what I want in the next stage of life... I still have dreams. I don't miss my libido, I have too many things I want to acheive..sex doesn't have to be on the menu if I don't want it..but I feel that's being selfish...I'm done with patriarchal societal expectations for sex. As a young woman, I put up with wolf whistles, men undressing me with their eyes and staring at my boobs, sexual harassment in the workplace as a young professional woman, I'm glad that part of life has changed and it's less frequent...I don't want to be objectified.

Sorry you feel this way, and of course you're right that you don't need to be fixed as there's nothing wrong with you.

I think you might get more out of posting on the relationships board than the feminism board though. It sounds like you're ready to walk out and from your post I am thinking that mightn't be the worst thing for you both. If he's arguing with you over your libido, he doesn't sound supportive of you, and pestering you for sex and for you to take HRT to 'fix' it after you've told him it's not on the menu is not acceptable. To him that may be relationship-ending though, but it sounds like it nearly is already for you too.

For what it's worth for me HRT is about stopping the awful headaches I got during peri, and some other symptoms too. It did that and I couldn't be happier on it. It hasn't brought back my libido though! I lost that after my second child in my late 30s.

I had zero libido also, went onto HRT and am back to feeling how I was ten years ago. It’s glorious

Personally while i agree with your sentiment it sounds like it’s not working for your husband and you are a partnership, not operating as an individual.

I understand the sentiment but I don’t think you’re being fair to your DH. If he changed a major aspect of your relationship that was important to you without consultation with you I imagine you would have something to say about it. If he withdrew hugs or some other type of affection on the basis he was done with it would you feel great about yourself or would you feel rejected?

Well, no women should be expected to be sexual at all, at any time.

However, when it comes to your marriage sex was part of the agreement with your DH. While it’s ok you are now asexual, that is unilaterally changing the relationship and he would have every right to end the marriage.

Would you consider him having sex elsewhere? As in do you want him and his companionship and would the thought of another woman taking care of the sex aspect be a relief? Or a worry? Of course, taking about polyamory, not prostitutes.

On a similar note a few years ago I had a coil to stop my periods, I have really heavy unpleasant periods. It killed my sex drive stone dead and this was not a problem for me, but it was for my husband and it's not fair so I had it removed. I am back to really horrid periods which I hate. He did not sign up for a sex free relationship and I think it would be a deal breaker for a lot of people. There are always times in our lives when our sex drives don't match but to say you now have a sex free marriage permanently seems unfair, like all other areas of marriage it has to be a two way street.

I agree that there is no need for you to have sex, but I think you need an honest conversation so he can leave if he does want sex.
I don’t have sex any more (peri) and I don’t miss it, but before this we weren’t anyway due to his refusal to sort his penis problem out. I decided I wasn’t having crap sex anymore and discovered that ‘self care’ which hit the spot every time, in a short time, allowing me to roll over and go straight to sleep was a much better way to do it !

I think you’ve got another of those symptoms of peri which is not giving a fuck, a desire to do what you want because your clock is ticking, whether you know it or not.

There should be no expectation on any woman (or man) to "be sexual" at any stage of life. We are all individuals and make our own choices about our bodies.

Thank you... My husband has not been supportive about menopause or peri menopause and all our married life he has had a higher sex drive. It is a relationship issue and I have told him to stop nagging me for sex and We would be better off splitting if he is so unhappy. He deserves happiness and We clearly are not matched now. I would take HRT if symptoms were really bad but lack of libido doesn't bother me at all. I think I have got to point of being fed up of years and years of my husband whinging about not enough sex and pressuring me, even when I was sexual, it was never enough.. He's always been on porn sites and blames me. He's now on online sex chats with women because of me and sees it is not a problem as it's fantasy. He says he will give it up if I give him sex... I know the stakes are high but if I could afford it I would restart my life and release him and me from marriage and all its sexual expectations. I wouldn't marry again and I'm not going to be blackmailed for sex or blamed for his choices. I just don't want the rest of my life to be miserable living with an unhappy spouse who deserves happiness too. The other week he asked me to show him my boobs and when I said no he was really nasty saying I had no boobs and essentially wasn't female.... Told him to grow up and sort his open addiction out.... Yep we're doomed... I've come to terms with it

You’ll both be much happier apart by the sounds of it.

Why aren't you just opening up the marriage? Is there a particular reason?
Doesn't he want to do that?

In your last post he doesn't sound particularly pleasant so an alternative is to just draw a line and leave.
Be aware he may start a new family, I don't know if that would bother you?

I hear you. I went through the same and felt burning resentment that I was seen as something to be fixed. I was juggling everything, work, children, elderly parents, husband’s health yet I was still apparently failing if I didn’t want sex. Everyone depended upon me and I was excelling in delivering what they needed - but had a permanent ‘could do better’ mark against me.

It wasn’t even about trying/not trying. I had zero libido - it had all gone. HRT didn’t help, nor did talking therapy although that did help me feel justified eventually in saying - this is me, this is how I am.

One doctor even asked if I was worried my husband would leave me if I was unable to give him sex. That really annoyed me and I told her that if he was prepapred to walk out after all I had done and was doing for him, our children and his wider family then he was welcome to. I meant it and still do. It never came to that though. He’s a very loyal, loving man.

What saved me was when my husband’s health caused his libido to decline too (he has great quality of life otherwise) Suddenly that was ok. The relief was, and continues to be, immense.

It's sounds like your lack of sex drive may be more because your husband is a dick than menopause. Only you can decide if you want to continue.

Your DH is a knob, free yourself from him.
And he won’t give up porn if you give him sex because you say he’s always done it, presumably when you were having sex.
He’s vile, end it.

Having gone through menopause without hrt or a big change in sex drive , I do wonder if the latter is because you no longer like your husband that much ?

Menopause can help us see things more clearly

I understand too. But I wonder if you like him that much. The boobs comment to you was nasty. How would you describe your marriage generally? Apart from the sexual pressure, is he nice to you day-to-day?

The problem is most certainly your husband, not you

I would never have sex with a man who behaves like that again, even if my libido was sky high

HRT can help with longer term health outcomes: bones, dementia, heart, to name a few. It’s never done anything to improve my libido, but it has helped with better sleep, fewer hot flushes which were relentless, and urinating issues.

Your relationship sounds like it has come to an end. I’m on my own and it’s delightfully peaceful.

Totally understand everything you say in your OP.

From what you say later in the thread, your DH sounds awful. In your shoes I would be freeing myself of him. You deserve peace and happiness.

Your husband sounds horrible to be honest, and it sounds as if you're coming to realise that and that you might be done with the marriage. Your second post has completely changed what I was going to post - I very much felt the same about my peri-menopausal libido but when I went on HRT (not for that reason) my libido came back and I realised how much I'd been missing it. But actually you don't need your libido back, you need to be out of your marriage.

"The other week he asked me to show him my boobs and when I said no he was really nasty saying I had no boobs and essentially wasn't female.... Told him to grow up and sort his open addiction out.... Yep we're doomed... I've come to terms with it"

This is disgusting behaviour. LTB

I see what you are saying but flip it around - why should male partners give up part of their lives, something they enjoy? Anyway not all women feel like you, I'm the same age and having a great sex life, not on hrt either. You cannot generalise .. if you personally don't want to have sex then you need to negotiate with your dp, whether that means he goes elsewhere or not

I think your issues go beyond sex drive ... with a caring partner you love this wouldn't be an issue

Just read your other posts op and he sounds awful. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone like that even if I had a high sex drive. This is about much more than the menopause.

Do you actually not want sex again, or is it more that you have no libido now? I ask because my peri-menopause absolutely killed my libido. I went from getting the horn fairly regularly to never even thinking about it. Wouldn't even feel the urge to masturbate. In my case this also coincided with the birth of a child so I put it down to that for a long time, but by the time the child was 2 I realised it was more than that.

The lack of libido caused real issues in my marriage because DW is younger than me and couldn't understand why I wasn't interested any more.

HRT helped with most of the menopausal symptoms but not the libido. I saw a gynaecologist privately and got testosterone prescribed. This has been a game changer. Once again I have a libido. I feel more "myself".

I think if you love your partner and they do want sex, then you owe it to your relationship to either find a way to want it yourself, or come up with another solution (like an open marriage perhaps). It's not a feminism issue; it's a relationship issue.