Should women be expected to be sexual in menopause

[Shazanne]

Having had yet another argument about my lack of libido, I was ready to walk out of my marriage yesterday. I do not want sex and I don't want to be pressurised to change who I am by anyone, even my husband. Why can't I just grow old gracefully enjoying my life and being me without the burden of another person's sex drive weighing me down.. Societal pressures on women to be sexual all their lives is downright annoying.. I am happy with who I am right now. I don't want to be fixed, yet is that selfish? I don't want HRT. I don't want sexual attention, even if I still am attractive to others. I am not defective. My body is changing, I accept that... Why can't others accept it? Why is a fifty odd year old woman expected still to be the sex object or be the same as a girl in her twenties.. I have changed and I am happy. I don't want to be fixed. I want acceptance for who I am now. I am possibly asexual now and whilst this might be distressing to those who need my body for sex, I wish they'd leave me alone and stop nagging me or trying to make me feel guilty. Perhaps I am heartless but I do love my husband but I just cannot be who he wants me to be.I cannot turn the clock back. I realise it could be a deal breaker in marriage longterm, but I never signed up to the expectation of being permanently available. My generation, our mother's never told us about mismatched sex drives. Yet when you look online the message is clear.. Women have to be fixed to enjoy a long sexlife... But is this always for the woman's benefit? We're not normal if we don't want sex... Hey nature made me this way and I accept it.. I will age as I choose to age.... The worst thing in menopause is coming to terms with end of fertile years, the hot flushes, the creaky joints, maybe more emotional, but other than that I feel much happier in myself, confident of who I am and what I want in the next stage of life... I still have dreams. I don't miss my libido, I have too many things I want to acheive..sex doesn't have to be on the menu if I don't want it..but I feel that's being selfish...I'm done with patriarchal societal expectations for sex. As a young woman, I put up with wolf whistles, men undressing me with their eyes and staring at my boobs, sexual harassment in the workplace as a young professional woman, I'm glad that part of life has changed and it's less frequent...I don't want to be objectified.

Since writing this thread I have a different perspective... Shortly after I discovered my spouse had secret credit card debt of £12k and up to £18k had been taken from our bank account in savings via a legit credit card. All spent on cyber sex and can girls I believe.. He has continued to blame me for his choices and has accused me of neglect. We have been informally separated for over a year

As far as the feminist side of this, I have since been on training with my new job about Consent.. I now realise that what I was being subject to was sexual coercion and I felt justifiably harassed. When I watched the video on consent, I shuddered and realised my right to say no without endless arguments and sulking and guilt trips from my spouse, did not end at marriage... And no it wasn't acceptable for him to start groping me when I was asleep and he tried to initiate sex, if I said no, he would sulk and cause a row... Why did I not see this was unacceptable. My sex drive declined not just due to menopause but I became averse to sex with him.. Because I felt pressured.. I couldn't say no without him accusing me of not loving him... I couldn't sleep peacefully without him pestering me.. He claims I neglected him... At the time he would still be scrolling through women's profiles on his phone...it's no wonder I didn't want sex

Since discovery, he has blamed, gaslit, played victim and made me out to be this awful wife that forced him to turn to cybersex. He can't accept I felt harassed in marriage as sex in marriage is normal... My eleven year old told a school friend his dad had shown him porn, so I got calls from safeguarding team... My spouse is unable to quit por n

I did not realise that his behaviour is classed as coercive. I do have a right to say no and yes, whilst I exercised that right I risked the ending of my marriage in still glad I did so.

As for my sex drive, it comes as goes but I don't need a husband... Being separated brings its own liberation..after the initial devastation I am rebuilding my life and working towards full independence... My spouse wants to come back home , but wants to continue with por n And has accused me of so many things , as he says my views are extreme and abnormal... Basically after the discovery I have told him there will never be por n in my home again...

He now has depression and that is probably my fault too..

But, I am free, not totally as I am still legally married and partially financially dependent, but to have a home free of being pestered for sex and all those arguments is just so much better. Life is peaceful again.. To be free from the burden of someone else's sexual wants is just liberating.

Also if he watches por n in his lodgings that doesn't affect me. I have no idea what he does but as long as it's not in my home and our son not exposed to it, I don't care any more.

I still love my spouse in a way, but whilst he wants it to work , we can't see eye to eye on this subject, so I imagine at some point we will divorce.

My mental health has been a challenge this last year, feeling guilt for my part in this... Was I such a bad wife? But the thing I did wrong was not to want sex and I have a right to say no... And life is so much better being free of that obligation

Nobody should be expected to have sex they don't want to.

Equally sex is an important part of a relationship to many people, including women, so it's not unreasonable for the partner who values sexual intimacy to view that as important, especially if it's the other partner who has changed the goalposts so to speak.

In an otherwise healthy relationship I'd say it's worth having an honest conversation about where you're both at, what if any middle ground there is, and what mileage is left in the relationship as a romantic relationship.

The fact he's a sulky sex pest and has been for years is a much bigger issue and you're worth more than that.

What this year has revealed is that my spouse very likely has an addiction to pornography which started over forty years ago following abuse at boarding school... He has never admitted he is addicted, but he cannot stop it, he claims the cam girl sex was addiction but free por n isnt..

I believe por n has distorted his view on sex and love in relationships. He uses por n as a coping mechanism, stress relief and sleep aid... However he now has Erectile dysfunction... Another symptom of excessive por n use but it could also be his age.
We have been to marriage guidance session but first counsellor advised him he needed to sort the addiction out first before working on relationship. Second counsellor has said she needs one to one sessions with him .

It's taken him a year to realise sex is not love and from others I have spoken to in similar situatiins, por n addiction alters the brain... He is no longer like the man I married over thirty years ago...

I know who He used to be is still in there, but until he resolves the addiction and gets therapies I can see him continuing on a downward spiral. The por n comes before everything...

Maybe completely monogomous marriages for a lifetime are unrealistic ideals ... Our bodies change, our priorities change and our health changes.it's just life....

How long does sex stay important in a marriage though? Is there a cut off point where it’s acceptable for women to say they’ve had enough? Are we still expected to keep the ‘marriage alive’ into our 70’s and beyond? Sorry but fuck that.

Loveablock...I absolutely agree.. The marriage guidance counsellor at Relate told my spouse his expectations were unrealistic and unfair on me.... I married at 22 and I am now 54. I didn't think that marriage meant obligatory sex forever... I just wanted him to grow up. At nearly sixty the thought of him exposing himself online to young students grosses me out...yes he went me an article how sex work empowers women and helps students pay college debts... He was hitting women but when I wrote the original post I didn't know what he was up to and I felt guilty for not giving him sex..but at same time, how long do I have to put up with it? Do I want to spend the rest of my precious life like this?

For me, love is a lot more than sex.. I need emotional intimacy and connection first..

Typ..Not hittin...he was gifting young women

The other week he asked me to show him my boobs and when I said no he was really nasty saying I had no boobs and essentially wasn't female....

That's not about sex or sex drive, that's downright abusive. If he's unhappy with the marriage and the problem isn't going to change he should leave not be abusive.

I don't buy it with menopause making women not give a fuck. I think it's just the passage of time. By menopause age most women have spent minimum 25yrs (depending on the quality of their childhood and also on when they first started getting romantic partners) putting up with things they'd really rather not have put up with. People think it's all so sudden this not giving a crap, but 25+ years of subconscious resentment isn't my definition of "sudden".

I'm with you OP. I was sick to death of my ex Hs constant demands for sex every single day. When I hit the menopause I finally realised I dont want sex and I'm not putting up with it.
I went on HRT as the side effects of menopause were awful and it did not bring back my libido one bit. I'm certainly not going on testosterone.
I dont want to.
I chucked him out of my house and I'm so much happier now. No more whingeing, complaing and miserable face. Good riddance. Life is good again. I have entered of friends.

Funny how when men have severe erectile dysfunction we are supposed to put up and shut up.

you might be better off splitting
it sounds as though he’s tortured by not having sex
whilst I agree you shouldn’t be coerced or take hrt to “fix” it, you do need to see things from his perspective as well as your own. He’s being forced into celibacy involuntarily and that is seriously destructive to his happiness it would seem.

if there is no solution, which appears to be the case, then you should discuss splitting

This.

You're not obligated to do anything you don't want to but neither is your husband obligated to stay with you and martyr himself to a sex free life if that's not what he wants.

OLD THREAD. OP has updated on here under a new name.

Sexual appetites change over life, that's hardly a surprise. But no, of course you shouldn't put up with any 'expectation of sex' at any time of life, if that isn't what you want. And no decent person would want that of their partner, it's abusive and nasty. And your dh's comments are nasty & disrespectful. I can't imagine ever wanting sex with someone who spoke to me like that. 🙁

If you and your dh are so far out of sync that it's making you both unhappy then something has to give. But there's a lot of middle ground to work through before you get to phoning a divorce lawyer.

I'm glad your life is better now, and thank you for giving us an update.

Your husband has significant problems he needs to fix, and it's not your fault

It's funny my husband who wants back says it is normal to want sex in a marriage implying I am abnormal for not wanting it... Yes, I used to buy all that. But now I can confidently say, it's equally normal to not want sex in a relationship and it's ok for a woman or man to decide how they use their own body.. of course, a man or woman who needs sexual intimacy is equally valid in those needs, but the answer is not to pressurise the other partner into sex if not wanted... Neither should the non sexual partner have to have sex against his or her will. In which case rather than each party criticise the other, maybe the solution is to split or agree an alternative solution.

One thing I do know for myself is that without the pressure from my spouse, as I now live seperately I feel free and feel more like I can be myself. Not only that but I am not being subjected to his moods, irritability and critical nature.. I can express myself freely too ... Do I miss the friendship side? Yes in a way, but the sexual aspect came to dominate all our interactions... I felt no longer valued for being me and I never felt enough and couldn't compete with his fantasy porn women anyway... I didn't like being objectified. I used to hide when getting dressed or undressed to stop him seeing my body and commenting and getting his dongle out and then starting an argument if I didn't want him watching me or commenting on my bits.... At least he eventually stopped grabbing and groping me but I had to get really mad before he would stop... Now he claims he doesn't understand why I got angry and I was bullying him by being angry..it was normal for him to be attracted to my body... At times I froze when he touched me, worried about the ensuing argument that would happen if I said no. The accusations of not loving him and not making him happy...I told him to leave and find someone else, I was sick of it... So much so I had to speak to doctor for anxiety medication to deal with it.

It was no way to live, but I only see it now I am away from his influence... I never stopped loving him though... He drove me away with sexual demands and expectations until I no longer wanted any sexual demand from him.

But now it's peaceful. I have autonomy on my body and I don't have to make excuses or defend my right to not be harassed for sex in my home.