Should women be expected to be sexual in menopause

[Shazanne]

Having had yet another argument about my lack of libido, I was ready to walk out of my marriage yesterday. I do not want sex and I don't want to be pressurised to change who I am by anyone, even my husband. Why can't I just grow old gracefully enjoying my life and being me without the burden of another person's sex drive weighing me down.. Societal pressures on women to be sexual all their lives is downright annoying.. I am happy with who I am right now. I don't want to be fixed, yet is that selfish? I don't want HRT. I don't want sexual attention, even if I still am attractive to others. I am not defective. My body is changing, I accept that... Why can't others accept it? Why is a fifty odd year old woman expected still to be the sex object or be the same as a girl in her twenties.. I have changed and I am happy. I don't want to be fixed. I want acceptance for who I am now. I am possibly asexual now and whilst this might be distressing to those who need my body for sex, I wish they'd leave me alone and stop nagging me or trying to make me feel guilty. Perhaps I am heartless but I do love my husband but I just cannot be who he wants me to be.I cannot turn the clock back. I realise it could be a deal breaker in marriage longterm, but I never signed up to the expectation of being permanently available. My generation, our mother's never told us about mismatched sex drives. Yet when you look online the message is clear.. Women have to be fixed to enjoy a long sexlife... But is this always for the woman's benefit? We're not normal if we don't want sex... Hey nature made me this way and I accept it.. I will age as I choose to age.... The worst thing in menopause is coming to terms with end of fertile years, the hot flushes, the creaky joints, maybe more emotional, but other than that I feel much happier in myself, confident of who I am and what I want in the next stage of life... I still have dreams. I don't miss my libido, I have too many things I want to acheive..sex doesn't have to be on the menu if I don't want it..but I feel that's being selfish...I'm done with patriarchal societal expectations for sex. As a young woman, I put up with wolf whistles, men undressing me with their eyes and staring at my boobs, sexual harassment in the workplace as a young professional woman, I'm glad that part of life has changed and it's less frequent...I don't want to be objectified.

Your husband is sexually and emotionally abusive. So of course you don't want sex with him. He's damaging you and your subconscious is trying to protect you. You don't need to "be fixed".

What are you getting out of the marriage?

BTW I have been in a similar position and so I'm not judging at all. I thought I would never have sex again when we split as I hated it and felt rubbish at it, turns out with a different partner it's amazing. The problem was never my libido. It was my husband being sexually coercive.

If you took the sex pressure out we have a good friendship . I don't know what love is any more though.. My husband equates everything to sex so it diminishes love to sex... He is often grumpy because he needs sex and I cannot bring myself to do the act because then I'm expected to enjoy it. The problem is mine too... The pressure for sex and so many arguments is a real turn off. As soon as the subject is raised I become very anxious and it is affecting my mental health..I have a vulnerability to mental health issues and all these arguments about s ex i just don't need in my life... It will literally make me ill and I can't sacrifice my mental health . My husband is stuck in a sexless marriage and I'm stuck in a marriage which would be ok if he wanted the same things I do. He only wants me though. I guess I am lucky in that respect but then I'm not enough for him so he will always be unhappy .. I don't want that. I don't want an open marriage and waiting for the time he leaves. I'd rather have a clean break or separation so I can just be me without all this crap...

Hi op!

I’m not menopausal, but everything you wrote about women having to be sexual, please men, ignore themselves and just put up with men’s sexuality resonated deeply and I just wanted to offer some sympathy.

That been said, I used to read threads where women didn’t, for whatever reason, want to have sex and I just want to warn you - they don’t go well.
The push to have sex you don’t want is strong.
Even on MN, even by other women.

All the best, I hope you find a solution and you don’t feel pressured to have sex!

You say he only wants you, yet he’s been doing porn for years and now he’s on live sex chats ! He wants sex.

@Shazanne Such a brilliantly outspoken and candid post that will strike a chord with many women!!

I’m 51 and grew up amongst women who believed you absolutely must acquiesce to your future husband’s every sexual need to ensure a happy marriage.

Oh lol.

You need to sit down and have a frank bloody discussion - I am incredibly lucky in that I divorced 6 years ago and do not have to deal with this shit - I was extremely sexual as a younger woman and had a fantastic sex life with my ex but the menopause brings a totally different perspective - I am happy in my life, my body blah blah but am more into nature, food, fitness, friends now - shit happens.

Also, as a single woman there is NO WAY I would sexually entertain a puffy middle aged man with baggage anyway - there are always young men for fun if you are that way inclined - no strings attached, no drama.

I don’t think any woman should be required to have sex on demand- it’s abhorrent.

In Asian culture menopause is seen as a time of freedom and rebirth :)

it is a tough one because I completely understand your feelings and you should not force yourself to have sex if you no longer enjoy it.

But equally I understand your partner's frustration. They still have sexual feelings and you got married based not just on friendship but also on physical/sexual attraction. He is now being asked to now live in a platonic relationship for the rest of his life, which is not what he signed up for.

Many older people continue to have a satisfying sex life so it is not a fact that sex ends at menopause.

If you are both unhappy and unwilling to change your point of view or compromise, then your relationship might simply be over.

@Chicca1970 ''Also, as a single woman there is NO WAY I would sexually entertain a puffy middle aged man with baggage anyway - there are always young men for fun if you are that way inclined - no strings attached, no drama.''

Love that post! I think I might follow that mantra too....

When my libido left home it did cause problems, but when we talked my lovely DH said he'd rather be with me without sex than be without me.

I think the difficulty is that many people (not just men) have no idea that loss of libido is a very "normal" (ie common and clinically predictable) effect of the menopause so it comes as a shock and is seen as a problem or aberration, something to be fixed. Media says healthy happy women are sexy women.

For my DH intimacy is one of the key differentiators between a good friendship and marriage - his view is that it is a symbol of love; without intimacy he felt unloved and unwanted. For me intimacy has never really meant that (history of coercion and bad decisions) and without libido there was no value to it.

It took a lot of talking to get to this level of understanding so we could decide what to do next.

I agree with you - why should you fix what ain't broke?

I think your husband sounds awful, sorry to say it. To day he'd give up porn and chatrooms if you had sex with him is pure gaslighting - he's saying his poor behaviour is your fault and if you'd only change then he'd be able to as well. Well screw that!

I wonder if some of your asexuality is being caused by not having a husband who turns you on? I'm projecting here because this is my experience. I lost my libido years ago, as in my spontaneous horniness, urge to masturbate, sex drive etc. But my DH and I still have sex because I still fancy him. He needs to turn me on though! I'm 100% sure if I was single I wouldn't be looking for a partner, I'd be perfectly happy without sex. It wouldn't even enter my mind.

He is often grumpy because he needs sex and I cannot bring myself to do the act because then I'm expected to enjoy it
So not only is he,wanting sex when you don't, he's also demanding that you enjoy it.
Are there other conditions like duration or certain sex acts you aren't fussed about?

I dont think this is about your lack of libido. I think it is about your husbands unrealistic demands that don't appear to have any regard for your sexual fulfilment.

I bet if you did have sex with him to his schedule, he'd still watch porn/pay cam girls because you weren't doing what he wanted (been there, done that)

Get angry! It's totally reasonable not to be attracted to someone who demands sex, sulks when they don't get it and doesn't care about what you might enjoy! It's not about your lack of libido. It's about him seeing you as a human wank sock. He's gross.

I sometimes wonder what I would do if my partner stopped wanting sex.
I think I'd just want to know it was off the cards for good. That way I wouldn't try to tempt/persuade/guilt them into anything. Which would be horrible anyway for us both. I'd know where I stood.
I then wouldn't ask for permission or say anything, but would find a different outlet for that part of things.
It's not worth breaking up a long term partnership if everything else is okay. Equally there is no way on earth I would be accepting enforced celibacy for years/decades. Just no way.
I'm always surprised at how long people will actually put up with dead bedrooms before they look elsewhere. I don't think it used to be the norm, for men at least, to stay faithful throughout marriage. More tolerance on all sides for extra marital affairs would make a lot of marriages more bearable.
Op, have you explicitly told him you will no longer have sex and that part of the marriage is now over?

I know how you feel OP. I became 100% asexual after menopause and became sex repulsed. Ex husband left. I feel much happier now. No more whinging or sulking or being a sex pest. I cant stand it.
I said I'd open up our marriage so we could still enjoy each others company and financial situation but he chose to divorce me in a strop and find someone else. Quite honestly I'm happier now and can spend more time looking after myself.

No, basically. But that applies at every other point in women's lives too.

You may well find your loins stirring with someone who isn’t a sex pest ;-)

Why would you choose to remain in a marriage with someone you are sexually incompatible with? Why would he? YANBU not to want sex but YABVU to be in a marriage to somebody who does.

But if lack of sex is something to divorce for, why get marries in the first place?
If sex is all there is, shouldn’t (these people) just remain as fuck buddies?

Sex shouldn't be all there is in a marriage but it's an important component of a marriage (unless both parties are asexual) and its something that is generally considered to be exclusive to a marriage, hence a deal breaker if one party decides (as is their right) that its not on the table any more.

Just leave. This is miserable.

I agree that in this case your husband doesn't sound particularly nice and you'd be better without him. But so many of the other comments seem to be buying into the idea that sex is somehow only good for men. If all is as it should be sex is great fun for both partners.

Your husband doesn't sound like someone any woman would want sex with:

Your husband doesn't sound like someone any woman would want sex with:

I'm going against the grain here a bit

I'm 42 have 2 young kids and work 4 days a week
I'm exhausted, have gained weight and really don't feel like it

I just can't be arsed and if I say no I mean no
There is no way I'd do anything I didn't want to do not a chance

For those saying: ‘He didn’t sign up for a sex free relationship’.

Well, he got married, which means he should have expected to be with a woman post-menopause. So, yes, he did sign up for relationship with someone whose libido would vanish. If he wasn’t able to commit to that, he shouldn’t have committed to marriage 🤷🏼‍♀️

I agree with you OP, menopause is part of being a woman, and men need to better educate themselves on what are reasonable expectations of being in a long-term relationship. It is not reasonable to expect your wife to take body altering medication purely for men’s sexual fulfilment.

Not all women loose their sex drive post menopause @DogsAndGin , although it's common for men and women to experience a reduced sex drive as they age. And there is no need for anyone to stay in a sex free marriage if they don't want to. Marriage isn't a trap, you can leave for a whole variety of reasons or no reason at all.

"he got married, which means he should have expected to be with a woman post-menopause. So, yes, he did sign up for relationship with someone whose libido would vanish"

I doubt that part of the small print was ever pointed out to him! It should be - with the opt out option of an affair/open marriage after, say, age 50.

I can only repeat, again, that op needs to be upfront and tell him sex is now definitively off the table for the future. He can then make decisions based on reality rather than hope. If she's decided, no more sex, then it's only fair to be upfront about that.

I really don't understand why people tolerate dead bedrooms though. What a wuss he is.