Late night thoughts... women changing surnames after marriage

[FatJan]

Not sure if this is the right board as I'm not fully sure where I'm going with this yet! Feels vaguely right, but happy for it to be moved.

Basically, I was scrolling through social media this evening and clicked on a post from a girl I knew at school which had got lots of comments.

As I scrolled down the post, I saw a load of comments from women whose names I didn't recognise.

I thought it was a bit strange I didn't recognise/couldn't remember who they were because the post was about something that happened at the school, and they were all talking as if they'd been there.

Suddenly I realised that I did actually know all of the women - they were all girls from our year.

I hadn't realised because they've all got married and now have their husbands' surnames.

It gave me a weird and not particularly pleasant feeling.

I haven't followed these ladies' lives over the years as they weren't in my close friendship circle, but I remember them well and how they were as children and teenagers.

Something about the fact that the identities they had when they were young no longer exist (on paper anyway) and they all have their husbands' names now made me feel a bit upset, which surprised me.

I'm trying to explore that feeling and I thought writing it down/sharing it might be a good place to start.

Obviously being happily married isn't a bad thing, so I think it's more the (perceived) loss of old identity thing that has given me a jolt, probably linked to the fact that men get to keep theirs.

I think it was also related to the fact it wasn't just one woman with a new name, it was the entire friendship group. It made it seem like the 'thing' to do, and I suppose it is, although I'm not sure how I feel about that. Some of the girls were very outspoken feminist types and to see them all as wives now with their husbands' name was a bit unexpected.

To be honest, I've been very in-my-head with the Sarah and Sabina cases and the ongoing discussions around things women go through that men don't, and this might be impacting the way I responded emotionally to that particular post.

Does the above make sense at all? Has anyone noticed or felt something similar?

Something about the fact that the identities they had when they were young no longer exist (on paper anyway)

My identity isn’t linked to my name. When I have to complete DBS forms, they need all my names from birth to now, so on paper, all my names are still used to identify me.

It’s just a name, I can’t get worked up over it.

@Onlinedilema

GoodnightGrandma it is the parents choice. If the mum wants her name then just speak up. Register alone and then what you say goes, you can choose any surname you want for your child. I know several people who were registered by their father and he chose a completely different name from the one agreed by the wife. Think mum and dad chose Chloe dad comes home saying I've registered the name as Susan. Caused issues between the couple but the child is stuck with the name.

I’m asking from a legal point of view. Not what people think.

When I got married in the 90’s I don’t remember thinking that I had a choice not to change my name. It was taken for granted.
It’s great that people know you can choose !

I kept my original last name.

Several of my (allegedly) feminist SILs (who mostly kept their names) have still not learned to spell it correctly, after >20 years. This pisses me off somewhat, but it is symptomatic of the ILs. Tells me what I need to know.

I love my maiden name, my married name I’m a bit meh about its very common! My maiden name is too long to really double barrel it.
My children do have my husband name - I slightly regret that choice as my husband at the time said he’d be happy with either - naively I think I did the done thing - something I wish I was stronger, if I was to do it now it would be my maiden name!
I use a mix of both my names bills I haven’t changed from my maiden name, work wise I use my maiden name - causes a slight issue as my passport is now my married name for identity reason. My Mum booked a holiday not realising I hadn’t changed my name (after 10 years of marriage) it was cheaper for me to update passport but I wasn’t bothered. A few times with our children at events because I’ve not changed my email it’s just assumed the surname is my kids name so events he just knows to check both names.

I’ve been married for 18 years my husband uses a version of maiden name as a nick name always has! It’s part of me and my identity!
Just wish I didn’t naively when I had my children read into the narrative that kids have to take their Dads name - especially as my husband was happy with either (he even said he would incorporate it as a middle name for him )

I gladly took my EXH's name - partly because of tradition, and partly because my maiden name was associated in my head with my abusive bio dad, so I was glad to be rid of it.
A few more years and a lot more life experience and critical thought under my belt, I put a lot of thought into which surname I would choose for myself (as was divorcing EXH). In the end I chose my amazing (deceased) stepdad's name, as something to remember him by. Even if I get married again (unlikely!) I will never change my surname.

I use my husband's family name when I don't want to be tracked down online which I find useful tbh. It's my alias!
I also use it when dealing with schools etc in relation to the children as I had a quizzical response early on from a teacher when I used my surname and frankly don't like intrusion so went for the easier option However that sits less well with me as I then wonder why I just capitulated on their surname. Double barrelling was only just happening when I had the first and ours would have been very long winded. It was considered by both families a bit odd that I didn't take his surname.
I'll advise my kids to double barrell.

I have two friends whose partners won’t marry them, don’t have shared finances, do almost all the child care and they both have their children the fathers last name. Totally none of my business and nothing to do with me but it does annoy me as it’s such a blatant sign that the patriarchy remains so engrained

@boombalorina my grandfather who was Russian took my grandmother's surname in the 1930s.

My maiden name was very Germanic and not very attractive and I was happy to take my dh's name which originated in pre 7th Century Old English. Both names are very long and double barrelling was out of the question.

DH's sisters both retained their original family name upon marriage because it was dear to their hearts - mine wasn't.

I can't stand it. 'Mrs' Dhsurname = property of Dh
Not for me, thanks. I kept mine. My mum did the same. I find it totally bizarre that women still do this, but hey ho

Oh and I meant to say to the op that I kept in touch with my close school friends and know their married names and who kept their original names. We are 61/62 now and it was a mix even then although more a case of not changing their name professionally when they had built careers.

I actually really enjoy having two surnames and using them interchangeably. Sometimes I add my maiden name to the middle for no good reason other than I wish to.

Ah op I've literally been having this thought but over the whole "miss vs mrs" title. I find it totally unnecessary in todays day and age that women still have to state their marital status yet men arent obliged to. I'm only in my early twenties but it annoys me so much, a thread I read on here had a man complain about his wife being recognised under the title of "ms" even though they were married. He was acting as if it was a crime against their marriage and that she was trying to come across divorced. That's when it really hit home how stupid this whole thing is. I've happily announced to my partner from now on I want a neutral term that doesnt show off my relationship. I want to be known as ms followed by my surname even when I get married. And I really hope that in the near future mrs and miss will phase out as people realise its ridiculous and that the purpose of women needing to show they have been married is long gone.

I agree about the Mrs/Miss thing and I hope it changes in the future.
Do we really need Mr/Ms/Miss/Mrs at all these days ?

We’ve had these threads before, and they’ve actually inspired me to add my maiden name to my married surname on things that don’t really matter, like my Tesco and Boots accounts. Just a small thing, but the big changes tend to start with small ones.

I changed mine and have regretted it ever since, I wish I'd kept my own name. After 17 years I still miss my name although I do now also identify with my married surname. On social media I use both surnames so it looks like I double barrel but in rl I don't. Time again and I wouldn't change, if we ever divorce I'd go back.

It entirely depends on the individual situation for me.
I always see people say how important family is etc. This is certainly the case for me now, with my ‘new’ family, fiancé and child, but growing up it wasn’t. My dad wasn’t around, mum had her own issues, so Im really not connected to my name in the same way some other people are, and so for that reason, I’ll be taking in my current fiancé’s surname when we marry.
I honestly don’t really pay any mind as to what people who are happily married do. For all you know some of these women may have had really lengthy talks about this decision whereas your seem to get the impression they didn’t even consider any other option.

Sorry, I realise that last line sounded a bit agressive and rude. It wasn’t meant in such an angry way, so sorry if that’s how it comes across 🤭

@BakingOfTheFoodCats

Most people change it so they can have the same name as their kids. (If they have any)

Give the kids your name. Easy answer.

The administration for your executors, if you don't keep good records of your money, can be doubled as seperate searches have to be made in both names. Why they can't put an additional field for any other name known by is beyond me (looking at you NS&I)

Yes I really don’t understand this either.

I kept my name. Because it’s my name. Why would I suddenly adopt someone else’s? It’s a very bizarre practice. Our daughter is double barrelled. At work (academia) most women keep their names. But outside that bubble it still seems to be unusual.

When do you EVER see threads on dadsnet asking other men why they haven't taken their wives names no matter how awful their own surnames are?
That tells you all you need to know really.

I hate the convention of women changing their names. I do judge, slightly, when women do it. I certainly think less of the husbands of women who I know would prefer not to change their names but they do it anyway. I assume some unpleasant conversation has taken place and she has been coerced somehow.
I wish it was a convention that didn't exist. It's ridiculous.

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Shehasadiamondinthesky sad you feel that way when you have a son
I have a marriage certificate and We don't have a house are you a better person because you do ?
I didn't marry my dh for a house and money its a shame you think thats why people do[/quote]
Not really, I've had three long term relationships which started off well but they became lazy uncaring shits pretty quick, my own father left when my mother was pregnant and I never saw him, my stepfather was awful, I've been discriminated against at work and have had to become pretty tough to survive. I have never met a man I consider to be a great role model and who is selfless and caring.
Me and my son are incredibly close which is great otherwise there would not be a single man in my life I cared about.