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Feminism: chat

What to do about DH's misogynistic friend --advice please

51 replies

Sunshine1066 · 27/08/2021 10:34

Typing on phone so please excuse typos.

It's fairly long but the shortest version is that DH has a group of friends that he's known for 20-25 years. One of the men delights in making "outrageous" statements and usually people just roll their eyes, tell him not to be a dick and move on. During lockdown #1 we were all on a video call and he said (not for the first time) some pretty shitty things about women including that women have complete equality, no issues and should "move over" for other marginalised groups. I pointed out that it isn't a race to the bottom, that in an ideal world (which this isn't, I admit) there would be pie for everyone and we have to try and aim for that, and his comments were crass in a week where the rise in domestic murders of women during lockdown was all over the news. He just carried on spouting stuff. It got so bad we left the call and another man who'd been on the call later messaged DH to ask if I was okay (at that stage I was the only woman left).

I sent him a (thoroughly vetted!) message the next day to say he had been pretty upsetting and maybe if a woman was pointing out to him that sexism was still a thing then he should listen, in the same way that we would both listen if a black or Asian friend told us something was racist. He then sent me a barrage of increasingly angry messages in which he called me homophobic (he is gay, I'm bisexual but since I met him through DH it's never come up) and racist (we are both white). I didn't reply to any of this (angry, upset, fucking insulted) and in his last message he offered to have me over to visit in his garden and he would educate me to be less racist and homophobic.

A year later and he's now asking us, via DH, to come over. I don't want to see him or socialise with him. I tend to think that if he really thought I was racist or homophobic he wouldn't want to socialise with me either. And I also now think that he's not just saying these things out of a childish need to shock people, but actually he thinks them and on that basis I don't want to see him.

DH has said I'm busy but he's adamant he wants to see us both.

I don't think I can do it. I thought to name change and ask on here (specifically so the misogyny isn't downplayed - it was horrible and I was shaking afterwards) in case anyone has any wise words. DH has offered to drop the friendship but the group has been going for so long and I don't want drama. Ideally they'd just socialise without me. Both the other women in the group have as little to do with the group as possible, because of this guy, but they've had 20 years to make excuses and get into a more distant pattern. DH has suggested that I talk to him again, or he's offered to talk to him himself, but I don't think the guy will listen or change.

I'm not sure there is a better solution,but I'm hoping there might be? Flowers for wading through all that and any advice! It's really bothering me as they talk to each other every day in a group chat so it's not going away as a problem.

OP posts:

ditalini · 27/08/2021 10:38

Nope. He's never going to change. Don't waste your time or your breath on someone who's not your friend.

I'm not friends with all my dh's friends. I feel no need to be and have very little in common with many of them (although I don't think any of them are like that, nor do I think my dh would be friends with someone like that). I have a couple of friends that my dh can't be arsed with - I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to spend any time with them or to make any effort to resolve whatever differences they have and can have a perfectly nice time socialising with them on my own.


Jorriss · 27/08/2021 10:39

He doesn't get to choose whether he sees you both or not. Either get dp to send him a message saying youre not interested in meeting up with him, or send him one yourself.


timeisnotaline · 27/08/2021 10:42

Boundaries. Dh replies sunshine won’t be coming.
Honestly he might have some nasty attack planned given his ‘I’ll teach you’ message.


viques · 27/08/2021 10:44

How extremely kind of him to offer to mansplain you out of your racist and homophobic views! Good luck to him on that one. [ grin] Sadly since he won’t be able to mansplain you out of being an independent, freethinking intelligent woman I would advise him to save his breath to cool his porridge and decline his invitation to listen to his outdated and offensive misinformation.

Congratulations on getting so deep under his skin and not capitulating to him . Flowers


Notaroadrunner · 27/08/2021 10:44

DH has said I'm busy but he's adamant he wants to see us both

Maybe Dh can tell him that he doesn't get to demand your attention. Fuck him. I wouldn't have anything to do with him. If your Dh wishes to continue a relationship with him so be it, but I wouldn't want to hear his name mentioned again.


Hoppinggreen · 27/08/2021 10:44

He doesn’t get to insist you go over.
Some Gay men (certain doctors for example?) really DO hate women, they are not all the allies we imagine them to be


DancesWithTortoises · 27/08/2021 10:46

Your DH can tell him that you find his views so obnoxious and offensive that you really don't want to see him again.


Soontobe60 · 27/08/2021 10:49

You don’t need any reason to not meet up with him, and I have to say your DH isn’t being very supportive of you if he still wants to meet up with someone who is so awful to you!
One of our friends turned out to be openly racist, and from that point onwards we broke contact with him. We didn’t make a drama of it, just didn’t make any plans with him. If we go out as a group and he’s there we’re polite and chatty, but won’t engage in any conversations that are racist.
You don’t need this moron in your life but if he kept insisting on meeting up with you rather than take the hint that you don’t want to see him, I’d be tempted to send him a text along the lines of ‘sorry, but as you accused me of being homophobic and racist because I challenged your views on women, it’s best that we don’t actually meet up’ and leave it at that. If he continues to try to engage, just ignore him.


FlibbertyGiblets · 27/08/2021 10:50

Nope. He has made his postion clear - he wants to be able to say what he likes to you without consequence, you have said #NoThankYou.
Obvs he is enraged by your steadfast refusal to engage. He will prob escalate efforts to get to you.
Husband to hold the line - you have said nope, the end. Block him if you haven't already.


LammasFires · 27/08/2021 10:51

He can be as adamant as he likes, but I’d still tell him that I have no intention of spending a moment in his company again.
You’re not stopping DH, which is as reasonable and tolerant as I’d be prepared to go. But yes, boundaries. Good on your DH for offering to drop the friendship.
DH has friends that I don’t see, mostly because they have a shared interest that bores me. Don’t be manipulated , the friend has been an arse for decades.


Brefugee · 27/08/2021 10:53

Blimey. What a twat.
Glad your DH is on board. Frankly? Take DH up on his offer of dropping him as a friend. It sounds as though others may follow?

But no, he doesn't get to demand one second of your time. And he doesn't get to call you homophobic for disagreeing with him on issues unrelated to his sexuality. Nor (unless he's not white) does he get to give you instruction on racism. Or any other ism.


Sunshine1066 · 27/08/2021 10:54

Thank you Flowers

To be fair to DH he also thinks he's an idiot and doesn't want to see him; I've been encouraging him as he's been very isolated (still wfh ft) and his mental health has suffered during the pandemic so I thought it would do him good to go out. Plus the other friends are nice. As long as they talk about cars he's decent enough company. Just can't talk about anything else.

Prior to the pandemic we used to see them every few months and they often came around here for food, so DH and I historically have come as a package.

I don't want to message him myself because he'll harangue me again. I also have been wondering @timeisnotaline whether he would start on at me if we went over. They have kids, including a six y/o so I wouldn't then want to make a scene.

Thank you for bolstering my conviction. I was wavering about going just to keep a quiet life but bollocks to that.

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 27/08/2021 10:54

he's adamant he wants to see us both

I don't understand this? What does it mean.

Your DH needs to say you don't want to go - not that you're busy.


Wombat96 · 27/08/2021 10:58

Nope, lines crossed, don't need to revisit this. Doesn't need any drama, let DH go & visit.


Carboncheque · 27/08/2021 11:00

’I don't want to see him or socialise with him.’

I wouldn’t either.

’DH has suggested that I talk to him again, or he's offered to talk to him himself, but I don't think the guy will listen or change.’

Why would you want to talk to him or have your DH talk to him? What would that add to your life? You don’t owe it to your DH or anyone else to have contact with someone who treated you that way. It isn’t your job to educate fuckwits.


cheeseismydownfall · 27/08/2021 11:06

WTF? He can't demand to see you? He is rather proving your point by thinking that he can.

I think his behaviour sounds bad enough and so entrenched that you are absolutely justified in not wanting to waste any of your leisure time in socialising with this man. He needs to accept that his friendship is solely with your DH and let it go.


Bogofftosomewherehot · 27/08/2021 11:11


DH has said I'm busy but he's adamant he wants to see us both

Maybe Dh can tell him that he doesn't get to demand your attention. Fuck him. I wouldn't have anything to do with him. If your Dh wishes to continue a relationship with him so be it, but I wouldn't want to hear his name mentioned again.

I agree.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/08/2021 11:15

Maybe DH could say that you won't be coming because of his sexist diatribe, and tbh it's changed the way you both think about him.


crochetmonkey74 · 27/08/2021 11:16

Definitely sounds like he is lining up an 'educational' rant at you ! Avoid he sounds horrible


AllTheSingleLadiess · 27/08/2021 12:01

I don't understand why he demanding to see you is something that he must get? He's not a judge who can demand that you turn up at court.

Yanbu to say that you will not be seeing him again but have no problems with h socialising with him. Since the other wives opt out for the same reason, it makes sense to do the same.

I'm confused why your h wants you to talk to him. He's clearly set in his ways and won't be compromising or accepting that he's wrong. It will be me up being an ambush which is pointless


HollowTalk · 27/08/2021 12:05

"Sorry, can't come over. I'm playing a game of Consequences. As are you."


EL8888 · 27/08/2021 12:59

@HollowTalk this!

I don’t have much to add, just to echo what other people have said -he can’t demand you see him. I’m really not sure what you would get out of it. He clearly thinks he’s right


PostingForTheFirstTime · 27/08/2021 13:14

"he's adamant he wants to see us both"

Another entitled white male.

Don't go.

The females in this group have voted with their feet, and want no more to do with him. It is a shame the men in the group have not done the same, and are sticking by this creep and his appalling behaviour instead of sticking up for their womenfolk by calling him on it too.


frazzledasarock · 27/08/2021 14:06

Nope, you’ve stated your boundaries you do not want to see him. That is completely your right.

Tell your DH to leave you out of this utterly toxic ‘friendship’ this man sounds horrible. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him either.

Slightly bemused a white jab thinks he can educate you on racism and sexism.


WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 27/08/2021 14:10

I wouldn't say I was busy. Just say you don't want to. Hard luck if that's not enough for him
He probably still wants to 'educate' you

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