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What to do about DH's misogynistic friend --advice please

51 replies

Sunshine1066 · 27/08/2021 10:34

Typing on phone so please excuse typos.

It's fairly long but the shortest version is that DH has a group of friends that he's known for 20-25 years. One of the men delights in making "outrageous" statements and usually people just roll their eyes, tell him not to be a dick and move on. During lockdown #1 we were all on a video call and he said (not for the first time) some pretty shitty things about women including that women have complete equality, no issues and should "move over" for other marginalised groups. I pointed out that it isn't a race to the bottom, that in an ideal world (which this isn't, I admit) there would be pie for everyone and we have to try and aim for that, and his comments were crass in a week where the rise in domestic murders of women during lockdown was all over the news. He just carried on spouting stuff. It got so bad we left the call and another man who'd been on the call later messaged DH to ask if I was okay (at that stage I was the only woman left).

I sent him a (thoroughly vetted!) message the next day to say he had been pretty upsetting and maybe if a woman was pointing out to him that sexism was still a thing then he should listen, in the same way that we would both listen if a black or Asian friend told us something was racist. He then sent me a barrage of increasingly angry messages in which he called me homophobic (he is gay, I'm bisexual but since I met him through DH it's never come up) and racist (we are both white). I didn't reply to any of this (angry, upset, fucking insulted) and in his last message he offered to have me over to visit in his garden and he would educate me to be less racist and homophobic.

A year later and he's now asking us, via DH, to come over. I don't want to see him or socialise with him. I tend to think that if he really thought I was racist or homophobic he wouldn't want to socialise with me either. And I also now think that he's not just saying these things out of a childish need to shock people, but actually he thinks them and on that basis I don't want to see him.

DH has said I'm busy but he's adamant he wants to see us both.

I don't think I can do it. I thought to name change and ask on here (specifically so the misogyny isn't downplayed - it was horrible and I was shaking afterwards) in case anyone has any wise words. DH has offered to drop the friendship but the group has been going for so long and I don't want drama. Ideally they'd just socialise without me. Both the other women in the group have as little to do with the group as possible, because of this guy, but they've had 20 years to make excuses and get into a more distant pattern. DH has suggested that I talk to him again, or he's offered to talk to him himself, but I don't think the guy will listen or change.

I'm not sure there is a better solution,but I'm hoping there might be? Flowers for wading through all that and any advice! It's really bothering me as they talk to each other every day in a group chat so it's not going away as a problem.

OP posts:
leavesthataregreen · 30/08/2021 17:34

Don't go. And if he asks why, explain life is too short to spend your free time with misogynists. If he rants, shut him down within 2 seconds. Just cut the call. But I would seriously question why your DH wants to hang out with a misogynist.

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