"Full of Milfs and their prams" - my supposedly feminist friend

[Mummy1608]

This thread is just a rant and cry for sympathy I suppose!

Out of all my female friends, I'm the only one who's had a baby. We would all call ourselves feminists, and all have decent jobs (what you could call "careers"). But I'm so upset that I've begin to notice little scornful digs about mothers in their conversations (well, from one friend ar least). There's this subtle hint that it's not feminist to become a mother. There's also raised eyebrows that I've gone part time in my main job, which I've done partly because I'm still breastfeeding.

Aibu, or is it actually pretty misogynist to use slurs like Milf? How is a mother any less worthy than a woman who isn't a mother? And yeah, I'm frequently to be seen pushing a pram in my neighbourhood, how is that something to be ashamed of...?

Has anyone else experienced this?

I haven't experienced this and I think the MILF comment is gross.

Do you have any mum friends you can spend time with?

You don't need to defend your decision to go part time for the benefit of your child and family to anyone, including supposedly 'feminist' friends.

YANBU... this 'friend' has a strange and very immature understanding of feminism. (And of friendship too, it seems)

She's not your friend and not a feminist to tear another woman down for the choice to be a mother.

Being a new mother is tough as it is and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need to justify your choice to be mum and work part time to anyone.

Stuff her.

They're arseholes.

End of story.

I thought MILF stood for “mum I’d like to fuck”? I don’t really understand why your friend used it without more context

I've only heard men say MILF.

anyone who refers to another woman as

Mother I'd like to fuck

Is horrible.

And it doesn't even make sense. Presumably your friend doesn't want to fuck them?

What is she even trying to say ??!!

I've met some women during my career who are gross misogynists.

It happens.

These are old friends?

Tell her to shut it.

They aren't feminists.

MILF is a disgusting word. Denigrating women by assessment of their fuckability.

Motherhood is a uniquely feminine experience and massive fights were fought and won to give mothers consideration in that role in respect of employment rights and versatility in the workplace.

Your friends are morons.

I think as is often noted on here, motherhood is where the biological differences between men/women are really highlighted and I'd say, it's a lot easier for gender stereotypes to start to dig in (mums often dropping FT work for practical reasons then lots of other things stemming from that).

So if your feminism is based in the simplistic belief that 'men and women are equal because they're the same' then this will seem to chafe against that.

There's no need for them to be disdainful though. Perhaps they are struggling with either wanting that for themselves and seeing the reality (which they might be determined to do differently - I remember thinking 'having a baby won't change my life that much!') or not wanting it for themselves and not being able to relate?

They aren't feminists, they are passive aggressive arseholes. Patting themselves the back calling each other feminists whilst tearing down other women and their choices isn't sisterhood.

I'd also assume she means the phrase 'yummy mummies', which makes me want to puke even more than 'milf'...

Well they both basically mean the same thing, just one is more explicit.

I think in some younger people as well, there's an assumption that SAHMs or PT working mums or whatever chose to do that because deep down they only want to be boring old mummies singing nursery rhymes and weren't really serious about working etc.

When actually there are myriad factors informing the practical decision to do anything other than work FT. (Cost of childcare, gender pay gap, etc etc).

The idea that doing this might actually be the best financial or practical decision for the family means that perhaps other women they've scorned may not just be silly baby bum-wipers after all - cognitive dissonance can be a hard thing to face.

Genuinely if s female friend (acquaintance) said that I'd say

Wow! Really? I had no idea you were into women.

With a totally straight face.

And let them take it from there.

In what context is conversation about ? mothers and their ? looks even coming up?

For me

Yummy mummies is shit as well

It's usually used by women though

And is about them looking good.

The word yummy also has good connotations. Things that are nice are yummy.

I'd like to fuck her is
V male and has sort of aggressive feelings attached. Male objectification.
Not I fancy her. I'd like to fuck her.

I mean feeling different ways is aok obv but I've only ever heard blokes use milf and in that very... Detached from the woman being a person sort of way.

The thing is, motherhood is unique to women.

You cannot actually be a proper feminist and truly believe motherhood is a negative. How women are treated as a result of motherhood can indeed be very negative. Your friends need to look at themselves.

I don't think I've ever heard anyone offline say MILF, just online.

I agree it's not exactly something I'd want to hear as part of everyday conversation because of the obvious porn reference.

They are not feminists because they don't have your back. Feminists know women can often be disadvantaged through income and life choices (as well as physically more likely to be vulnerable to assault) because they are more likely to have care-based roles.

They should be glad that your work is supporting your P/T role and happy to see that you are confident to be a working parent.

How are some women pushing pushchairs a cause for women's complaints?
I really don't get this as this is perfectly normal behaviour. Are they expecting it to revert to 100% men or just cannot stand pushchairs?

I don't think she knows what a MILF is.

Someone should give her the benefit of the doubt and tell her.

I suspect your friend is secretly jealous of you.

I think you need to say something. Point out that it's not feminist to denigrate other women for their perfectly legitimate choices - it's hurtful and disrespectful to you and to their own mothers, without whom they wouldn't be here!

Well, if being a feminist and being a mother is not allowed, what happens if all women become feminists?

Extinction I think is the word I'm looking for!

Wow thank you guys so much, I'm so glad I came on here, the thoughts were just swirling round but you've all made me feel way better.

@Megasausagehead

The thing is, motherhood is unique to women.

You cannot actually be a proper feminist and truly believe motherhood is a negative. How women are treated as a result of motherhood can indeed be very negative. Your friends need to look at themselves.

This is so true (I saw a few comments like this but just quoted this one for ease!) Motherhood is unique to women, and I really believe our fertility a big part of the reasons behind discrimination and violence against women...so, it's not feminist to look down on mums! I needed validation of how I've been feeling, thanks mumsnet 🙂🙂🙂