Aibu re self harm and dp?

I don't think that anyone is going to be able to say 'yes of course you should self harm if you want to, it's your body and she should accept it', because self harming is not a safe and harmless method of dealing with your stress.

What if you get extremely stressed one day and go further than usual, what if you pick up an infection?

You need to explore alternative methods of dealing with your stress, have you approached your GP for support, or contacted your employee assistance program through work?

I would be extremely worried if my partner wanted to do this and would never say ok, do what you need to. I'd be pleading with them to get help.

Do you have children?

You need to talk to your doctor.

Yes. You know that he will be distressed by this, worried by what it portends. He'll lose peace of mind and your relationship will be transformed as he becomes watchful of what you are up to now. Why you would want to inflict this kind of anxiety on your partner is beyond me.

i think a lot of people here won't understand how complex it can be to be an adult with a self harm addiction (because that's what it is)

I don’t really understand what your question is but I’m here hoping to offer support.

self harm is harmful. It is understandable that your partner would be concerned by it. I acknowledge your point about your experience of self harm not being indicative of deep unhappiness or suicidal thoughts but I don’t think that’s the only thing one should be worried about when it comes to stress, anxiety, overwhelm, etc.

if you are struggling to cope well with these exciting but stressful life changes, do speak to you partner or a trusted friend and do seek professional help.

perhaps you and your partner could slow down the changes or find a way to make it all more manageable and enjoyable for you.

hope this helps.

In the kindest way whilst I understand that your feel like your compulsion helps, it's controlled and safe it really isn't any of those things which is why it distresses your partner so much. In the same way that an alcoholic cannot see the harm that "just one drink" can do but a loving partner can.

If you self harm what you're actually doing is transferring your stress immediately onto your partner and making the manifestation larger because then you don't just have the extra life stuff to try and process, you'll also have the guilt and worry of upsetting your partner to process too...I honestly think it would lead to a harmful cycle.

Please seek alternative help on how to manage these feelings. You might find a similar level of control and release through exercise for example, but definitely explore alternatives for your own sake, and the sake of the person you love.

Self harm is a learned behaviour and it’s a maladaptive coping strategy, you work in mental health so you should know this. You should also know that these things tend to be progressive, as in if you allow yourself to do one small thing, One time it’ll be a slightly bigger thing, and you’ll convince yourself it’s no big deal because that’s just the way you cope.

I wouldn’t normally offer such a blunt answer but as you say you work in mental health, these are things you should know and understand. What would you tell your patients, would you tell them, ‘yeah, crack on and cut yourself if you need to, it’s only superficial so it doesn’t matter?’ Are you doing all the things you would tell your patients to do in the same situation? Are you seeking help with your mental health? Are you trying to employ other strategies that don’t include harming your body?

in answer to your question, if a partner of mine said these things to me I would be imploring them to seek outside help, and while I’d support them to do that, I wouldn’t stick around if they made the decision that self harm was their coping strategy and they were happy with it. It’s a really unhealthy attitude, and I think you realise this, but while you might not yet feel in the right place to confront the issues that make you want to self harm, it’s perfectly justifiable for a partner to find it intolerable and walk away.

I'm sorry but you do need further support if you think of self harm as normal or want to do it to yourself, especially if you're supporting people with their own mental health challenges

Self harming is an addiction just like alcohol is. It may seem normal to you as it does to many but it's not a healthy way to manage anxiety. You must talk to your GP, mental health practitioner, the Samaritans and explain this to them. You are mot frail or weak for doing so. They can help you manage ways to deal with your anxiety without self harming. It's an addiction that can be broken. Stay strong OP

Also, beware of falling into the trap that you think self harm is giving you control, because it really isn’t. If you had control you wouldn’t be doing it. I had problems with addiction, and for a while I convinced myself I had control because when I felt things getting too much I would stop, but I always knew I’d go back to it. I realised in the end that was no kind of control at all, it was a delusion of control that enabled me to continue with my addiction. Meanwhile everything around me was going to shit and my personal relationships were suffering, but I thought it was fine because yeah, I am controlling it.

if you can control your feelings in one way, by hurting yourself, then you know that there are ways of controlling it, but you need to find a strategy that doesn’t involve harming yourself and other people who love you, and be in no doubt, self harm does harm other people. You might feel like it gives you control, but it will feel like the opposite to them.

In short, do you think you could accept minor self harm from a partner within a relationship?

Accept? You ask that as of self harm is a normal thing to do of course I wouldn't 'accept' it, I would be encouraging my partner to seek help.

Now several years on, my mood has dipped a bit. We are in an exciting stage of life, with lots of positive but stressful things like housemoves, career changes etc. Im excited and general positive, it does increase some existing anxiety.

Speak to your GP regarding managing your anxiety.

My issue is that I'd like to self harm to cope with it.

And it is an issue. It's utterly bizarre to think 'oh I will self harm' and then take umbrage when the person who loves you suggests it's not a good idea.

You need to get in touch with your GP asap.

OP it isn't safe. As careful as you think you're being this coukd go wrong very quickly.

You need to seek help.

I self harmed in the past and its unhealthy and will ultimately destroy your relationship.

I haven't self harmed for years now. There is help out there.

I think you have normalised something that shouldn't really be normalised. I would be extremely concerned if my DH was self harming and I would expect him to seek help. It is not a reasonable coping strategy for dealing with the ordinary pressures of life, it is a sign that something is very wrong.

I would add that I definitely wouldn't agree to have children with someone who was self harming. It wouldn't be fair to knowingly bring kids into that kind of environment.

I was a self harmer for many years, and it is a real addiction - it escalates and by the time you realise you're in "deep trouble" you are really up a creek without a paddle. I remember so vividly justifying and rationalising it in the way you have. While I have also had issues with other addictions, nothing raises its head as often as the desire to self-harm. I haven't done it in 11 years, but the urge never leaves.

The appeal of self-harm is the superfocus it creates in order to block out everything else, and the (illusion of) control that it gives. Totally identify with what you say about the "whirring". Sometimes I have been climbing the walls, knowing that it would make it all stop, butHonestly, that way lies dragons.

Here is what I have found useful instead:

• weight training. The kind where

Mumsnet went mad and ate the end of my post...

• weight training where things HURT afterwards


• Really loud shouty music, car, having a scream


• hitting something


• Ice baths

There are other ways to create that kind of pain safely. You should know what the are being in the buisness OP. Get a punch bag or something if you want to change your mood or join a gym.

I wouldn't be with someone who thought this was perfectly ok and I should just deal with it. You need to speak to someone.

I'm also the person people get referred to

It's time to get signed off until you have dealt with this properly.

Yeah it's scary, clearly. You really need to get your own support, honestly.

In terms of needing to speak to someone, I'm not at risk of death and know service criteria.

That doesn't mean you should not ask for help, even at GP level.

I'm also the person people get referred to, its tricky to access services when you are part of one,

The GP will sign you off at the very least, which I can only imagine is for the best.

but also due to moving we are sorting out life insurance etc so need to not link this to nhs number

This is an excuse as well you know.