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Original poster

Aibu re self harm and dp?

29 replies

Behaviourlog · 26/04/2022 10:25

I think I probably am.

In short, do you think you could accept minor self harm from a partner within a relationship?

In the longer term:

Prior to meeting my lovely partner I used self harm as a coping mechanism. I was managing appropriately, clean,not dangerously harming with it being superficial

My partner was confused by it, saw it as something close to suicide attempts (which for me it isnt) and long story short I ended up stopping because I hated being treated like i was frail

Now several years on, my mood has dipped a bit. We are in an exciting stage of life, with lots of positive but stressful things like housemoves, career changes etc. Im excited and general positive, it does increase some existing anxiety.

My issue is that I'd like to self harm to cope with it. The current whirring for me would stop if I could use old coping mechanisms

However I know my partner would freak out, and assume I'm deeply unhappy. I feel like everything would be tainted by her knowledge of it, eg that it would screech any intimacy to a halt (which is understandable, I get that the results aren't attractive), and lovely days out overshadowed by the assumption I'm feeling miserable etc

There's also a bit of a feeling of being trapped, because it's harder now that I feel abit more accountable for my body to someone else. It triggers a part of me that thinks "its my body to mark, bugger off"

I have a certain numbing interms of cutting as I work in mental health services so probably am a bit out of touch with how alarming it might be for others. To me it seems like a reasonable conversation but I need some outside perspective

Am I being unreasonable to raise this with partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
Behaviourlog · 26/04/2022 15:18

It's partially an excuse.
My job is a massive protective factor, and keeps me well

The logistics of being signed off while sorting out remortgaging and life insurance also weigh heavily. Its simply far more stressful for me to have those issues, aswell as having time without routine etc.

I like my job, I'm good at it.

I'm also genuinely not depressed currently, I'm actually looking foward to things and feeling chipper.

I think that's probably hard to understand if you're not in my head or used to hearing it.

For me it feels like have a cheeky cigarette, or thinking that I'm looking foward to a big glass of wine tonight. I don't do either.

It's a good reality check though as to how people would react

I'm also massively grateful to people that have shared their experiences

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/04/2022 15:25

You could always gat a tattoo in a soft space. That'll take your mind off it for a bit. You need to divert this urge to something else. Weights is a good suggestion.

Original poster
Behaviourlog · 26/04/2022 18:01

Yes I think probably channeling something like that is probably the way foward

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 27/04/2022 11:59

I think you see and experience cutting yourself as a helpful thing. And you are not in touch so much with the fact that it is a destructive thing that hurts you.

To the person who watches you doing it, or sees that you have done it, or to us hear reading about you wanting to do it, it is hard to see how it can be helpful and we see very much the destructive side - we see the skin being cut and bleeding and all our senses and thoughts fire off with thoughts and feelings like "No! Don't DO that to yourself! Take care of yourself! Don't hurt yourself!"

It is a destructive thing and I think somewhere in you you have lost touch with that, with the part of you that thinks "No! Don't do it to yourself!"

We all have destructive feelings, it is a part of life in fact some would say you have to experience and own the destructive feelings and hating feelings in order to then be creative and loving. People can have a lot of problems if they are in total denial of their own destructiveness. It is good to know about it, so then you can protect yourself from your destructiveness and take care of yourself.

But you can experience and inhabit your destructive feelings without actually having to act on them to destroy yourself. You can do other things - eg as someone said, weights kick boxing etc. But to take care of yourself needs you to fully know that you have this wish to destroy yourself - and that you need to take steps to protect yourself and channel it into something else.

Thinking of self-harm as "helpful" is a way of glossing over how destructive a thing it is to do to yourself. It isn't a taking care of yourself thing, it is a destructive thing. Once you know that, then you can take the right steps to protect yourself.

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