Scared of death

[UnderneathTheStream]

Is this just me?

Recently my every thought has been overwhelmed at the realisation that when I die I will cease to exist. Totally. And that that?s it.

Never really so totally realised it before.

And so now I?m scared to sleep. Scared to drive. Scared to go anywhere, and it?s overwhelming my life.

I know I have a tendency to obsess but this is huge.

Anyone got any ideas?

I don't know what the right thing to say to you might be, to help you stop worrying, but I wanted to share this experience with you.

12 years ago, I feel suddenly ill and came very close to dying (ICU etc.). As I recovered and found out how ill I had been (I'd been unaware at the time), I remember clearly thinking that if that was what dying felt like (a kind of slipping away from life with no pain or anxiety) then it wasn't so bad and I wouldn't need to be frightened anymore when my time does eventually come.

It's a memory I find strangely comforting.

I really hope that this is not an inappropriate response - I don't want to add to your worries at all.

Wow. That is actually very comforting ? not ?cured? it but very helpful.

But ? have you ever thought about the ?after?. The ?during? may not be so bad ? but the fact that there is no after?..

I think It?s only just hit me because I used to have faith?.

Not inappropriate at all - just the sort of thing I was looking for!

It is such a difficult subject to talk about clearly.

I've not had faith since I was a child, so the concept of there being no "after" is very familiar and (again) comforting to me - there is, literally, nothing to fear.

If I had faith then I would fear/worry about what happens "after", have I passed or failed, who will I meet, what will it be like.

What I learnt from my experience was that I could have have slipped into that nothingness very quietly and easily. The ripples of my going would have impacted my loved ones, and my worries are all around how they would deal with it, but the ripples would not be able to affect me anymore.

But what about the fact that your time is over? That?s it?

Oh this is rubbish ? I can?t explain what I am trying to convey? erm? you have no more effect, can?t see people going on? words aren?t doing justice to the terror I am feeling sorry?

Do you mind having this discussion ? I am scared to talk to ?real life? people in case they get scared too!

Don't know but I pretty much hate my life to the extent that not having to live it anymore seems quite a good option sometimes EXCEPT that I won't be here to sort and oversee stuff like the DC. So, I guess it might be a bit about control... a fear of loss of control rather than what death would actually be like???

Hmm possibly. Hobgoblin ? I?ve previously been depressed and suicidal but had never thought it through to this extent before? or maybe this is depression/anxiety in another form?

Sorry to hear that you hate your life. It?s shit when it?s like that. Completely get that feeling?

I don?t have kids so don?t have that stress, or pleasure.

Control... hmmm... yes possibly an element there but that is not it - it's a feeling of time running out - being late for stuff to a huge degree...

I don't mind - although I will need to go to bed soon .

I can see why you find it terrifying - it's a huge thing, we are used to being the centre of our own worlds (not in a bad way, just that we experience the world as it impacts on us) so the idea that there may one day be some kind of void at the centre of that world is overwhelming, almost too hard to comprehend, let alone explain.

I sometimes feel sad or frightened that I may die before my children are grown (and it's not an unrealistic notion what with my medical history), that I would be leaving them ill-equipped to cope, that my DH would struggle to parent them on his own etc. etc. etc. But that sadness and fear is here and now, tomorrow I will (hopefully) be in a better state of mind and be thinking about something else. What I am feeling is not a fear of my own death for myself, but a fear of the consequences for others. There is nothing I can do to change those consequences while I am alive (although I do think about writing some letters and tucking them away in my private documents to be found after) and once I am dead I will know nothing about it.

Writing it down, I realise I may have rather a bleak approach which might make people uncomfortable - I must admit it's not something I'd bring up in casual conversation.

underneaththestream - you summarise very well how I feel. I sometimes have a real panic attack about it, often when I am in bed just before I go to sleep, and then I have to get up, read a book, anything to take my mind off it.

That is really how I deal with it - I don't think about it. And if it pops into my head, I think about something, anything else.

I have found it slightly easier since having children as I feel there is a little part of me that will live on after I die.

A similar story to piprabbit - my grandmother apparently also had a near-death experience and was very comforted by how she felt....

I have two visions of death. On the days where it seems too unbelievable that we continue after we die I picture death as the most beautiful, eternal lie-in where you never have to get out of bed again. On other days I truly believethat your spirit leaves your body the moment it dies and continues its life in the spirit realm, returning to earth in another body if it chooses. I found the Conversations With God series, by Neale Donald Walsh immensely comforting on the subject of life after death.

Very difficult to vocalise - perfect topic for online!

Do you think your children give you the continuity to have that outlook?

Do you think having children helps your outlook?- I am just wondering if my lack of successful procreation is having an impact on this - biological clock with emphasis?!

strandedatsea - oh thank you! thank you! I am not along in this!

strandedatsea - dare I ask how long you have been dealing with this? It's been 4 weeks for me and I'm not sure I can deal with the sleeplessness anymore!

Sometimes I really wish I could believe in an afterlife, it would make things a lot easier. But personally I think that is one of the reasons religion was "invented" as man couldn't cope with the thought of nothingness after death.

Unfortunately I don't think you can force yourself to have faith. Either you believe or you don't and I fall into the latter category.

Just13moreyearstogo - Hmm I'll try the lie-in thing thanks.... as you can tell by the time I still can't go to bed just yet though!

strandedatsea how odd that we both talked about thinking about something else to get passed the scary bits.

I think that a lot of things in life are about finding a way of coping with the next 5 minutes, and only worrying about the 5 minutes after that when it actually arrives because who knows what might have changed between now and then.

And I completely agree that religion is one of those coping mechanisms.

Oh crumbs, most of my life! I remember realising this for the first time when I was about 16 (am now 41), I have no idea why it suddenly came to me!

But I do have years at a time when I don't think about it - and then suddenly it comes back to me and I have to work on pushing it away. I do believe that it's particularly bad when I am going through a bad period and is probably not so bad now that I am married and there is always someone else in bed with me at night (often several people when the dd's come in too!). Somehow having someone next to me in the dark hours makes me feel better.

OK so distraction, possibly back to religion, and near death experience type stories to comfort are the way to go..

Strandedatsea - does the sheer terror fade over the years - I am about ready to go to the docs for sleeping pills at the moment because I am online or reading till 3am then up at 6am due to it at the moment?

BTW thanks for sharing this both of you - it really helps to talk about it - even online - felt a bit silly and ashamed almost

I can't believe most people don't feel this way. They're obviously just better at dealing with it than us! I ask my dh and he shrugs and says something like "we all have to go one day". He is totally unreligious and into dangerous sports like paragliding. I have no idea how he does it!

If you think you might have a shred of faith perhaps that's the way to go. I often thought that in another life (ie if I didn't have two small dc's) I might take off to Tibet and discover Buddhism or something. Try and pursuade myself I don't need to panic.

But in the meantime I do think you need to just try and push it out of your mind every time it comes to you. Reading a jolly book or a gossip magazine or something is good.

By the way (not that it matters!) how old are you?

36

How about trying going to sleep listening to something. I've always found voices very soothing, so fell asleep for years listening to Radio 4 wittering on on the edge of my hearing.

Music was a bit too ... stimulating... or easy to be caught out by a tune that hits an emotional nerve.

Probably the fact that I'm still awake now is because DH has decided this habit is too annoying and my alarm clock doesn't have a jack for my earphones.

I used to shrug as well - but that was before I had really imagined not being here... maybe other people have an in-built filter to just not think it through properly - it stops them!

Yes I used to listen to radio 4 but now have a DP! maybe they'll invent wireless earpieces...

Thank you both of you. I actually didn't expect answers but you have given useful suggestions that I'l try. Right I'm summoned to bed now so will be probably reading by the dimmest light possible!

Please keep contributing - it might help others or me/us?

I dream of getting one of these, but first need a suitable clock radio to plug it into.....

Anyway, off to bed now.

Hope you all manage to get some sleep tonight.