Come and tell me what the point is

[willsurvivethis]

and that it will get better.

Just tired of wave after wave of feelings and memories coming back and the feelings hurtso much - life was easier without them. and the flashbacks make me feel so alone.

I know I need rl support but can't ask. Everyone is too far away.
I'm tired.

Is this as bad as it's been?

willsurvive you can talk to us...

thanks, sorry

no Curious it has been worse. Don't want to be dead

Getdown can't write it down. Don't feel safe enough

This is a safe place.

You are entirely anonymous.
We are entirely non-judgemental.

If it would help, please write it down.

Yes willsurvivethis agreee with GDYWF, we're here for you my love.

And don't say sorry!!

You are both wonderful and thank you for your support. It helps.

But to feel safe enough to open up I need someone near me, here or on the phone. I find it so hard. So many defense mechanisms - I need help to get through them.

I can understand that. Physical contact and actual speech is very important.

But we will help in whatever way we can.

Lots of love to you x

You'll get there and yes we're here.

Can you call your brother tonight so that you've got someone in RL to talk to.
I'm so sorry you are being hit so hard at the moment:-( and that we can't do more here to help. I do really believe that one day your bravery in tackling this will be rewarded with the peace of mind you deserve x

Thanks guys - this actually helps to feel less isolated.

Plus dh has listened to what I had said recently about needing him around and when he came home after his third church service of the day he asked if I wanted to watch a movie bless him. But I can't concentrate on a movie - we ended up snuggled together watching cowboy builders and I felt a bit safer and warmer then.

We didn't talk much, he did admit he sometimes finds me very hard to handle and I'm sure I am. He's still (successfully, slowly but surely) battling his depression.

I should probably ring my brother but I struggle to think what to say. he knows I struggling, saw it this morning in church. May text him.

By the way he's not my real brother, just an amazing and close friend with an equally amazing wife, but he's very much my brother in any conceivable way. Just thought I'd mention that as I refer to him as a friend sometimes too.

In the end just managed to send my friend a fb message explaining what's going on and that i may need to talk about this and he replied talk when you're ready. Think will see him tomorrow evening anyway.

Had a rubbish night but not too bad right now - things are in the background.

good for you - reaching out x

He sounds a great brotherly friend It's always good to know you have that support.

Urgh not feeling too good and so tired..

Supported friends yeaterday at a child protection case conference. It's a very complicated case and I spent 3 hours at social services. and as soon as terms like attachment problems, taking too much responsibility for relationships with adults etc came up it got very hard - but I wanted to do it and was well placed to help (am a lawyer, am used to making notes in court while listening at the same time etc). Then led bible study last night, got a bit too much. Talked ot the friend who brought me home for an hour, then on the phone to my friend in Holland for another hour, was in bed at 1 then rubbish sleep and waking up with a panic attack at 5.15. Managed to text my friend who gets up for work at 5 for some moral support and it calmed down. But sure I will manage to do any of the many things planned for today. Not even dressed yet. Must at least do food shopping before ds back from nursery.

It sounds like you need some time to just be you on simple terms willsurvive. It all sounds quite intense and the pain for your younger you I relate to.

Can you nurture her? I don't know, desperately want to help but know sometimes it can be a process of going through the emotions and treading water until it passes.

Do you do any intense physical exercise at all as that can displace the feelings and give them a physical focus.

I go Kick Boxing. And sometimes running.

Thinking of you, be brave, wish I could carry you for a while, you are so amazing for other people, take care and keep on keeping on.

Thanks Mittz for your kind words - how are you doing today?

I'm just learning to look after that little girl. Hard work

I do exercise a fair bit - cycling, walking, wii fit. I used to run a lot but I'm currently too heavy to do so although losing some weight now.

I know I just have to get through this time. it will pass and I will move on. It's just really hard right now.

Another very intense therapy session. Got so upset, feeling like I did when I was 7, realising how many signals I was giving off to my parents and they just didn't notice them - made me cry like a little girl.

Talked about the horrible feelings that came back around the first rape and actually got angry, for a few seconds, shouted and frightened myself to death. Never got angry before.

So tired now and down and fragile. Want to hibernate. Need someone to hold me but at least dh is reading dh a story right now. Been to see a friend with a troubled 3 year old on full speed. Not great idea. Glad ds is such an angel.

No wonder you feel exhausted and drained, those therapy sessions sound very intense

I'm sure it's doing good in the long run to explore those feelings, terrible as it is...

The fact you got angry today is actually progress. You are allowing yourself to feel the sense of injustice over what has happened to you.

Do you ever think you will reach a point of forgiving your abuser, or is that too far off to contemplate right now?

I would give you a hug if I was with you right now.

It does sound incredibly intense and not suprised you feel exhausted.
Just one thing from your messages - it doesnt sound like you are getting any 'down' time.
So this morning you said you 'werent even dressed' by 9.15.
As you know Im just getting over an 'episode' and was off work today and didnt get dressed till after 10.
Your life is so so busy and you help so many people - you need to give yourself as much kindness.

Sorry that sounds very naggy !!

Thanks both - don't worry about nagging Kizzie you're just very kind.

I do have down time, Mondays and Fridays in particular when ds is at child care all day when I would normally work.

The problem is with counselling days, I drop ds off at nursery at 9, then have counselling 10-11 then pick him up 11.30 then have him the rest of the day.

Re the not dressed by 9.15 yeaterday, that's my golden rule to live by. I tend not to feel any better for slobbing around, prefer to be dressed and find some active relaxation.

I know what you mean. It is good to have those routines. Take care x

Just been to see the daughter of friends get married in church (just for the ceremony and because my close friend's little girls were bridesmaids).

Afterwards everyone left, most people to go to the wedding breakfast.

Just made me realise I don't belong anywhere, to anyone.

Just feel floating in midair - not attached to anyone, not belonging to anyone, no roots in anything.

what do you mean you don't belong to anyone or belong anywhere?

of course you do!!

You have a DH, you have a gorgeous little boy!! You belong to them, and them to you.

And most of all you have your roots in Jesus, who is the author and creator of life, and the author and creator of you.

Come on willsurvive you do not really mean that.

Just feel lost

I know I have dh and ds and friends although they all feel far away now.

But I feel I've lost my roots. The only family left is my dad who is 'back home'. My childhood was a lie. Feels like I've come from nowhere.

John 15
The Vine and the Branches
1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit?fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other.