I'm an alcoholic

[owlets]

I'm typing this with a glass of cheap wine in my hand
I feel so useless. I know I need to give up. I want to give up, but I can't seem to get there.
This morning, after making a fool of myself the night before yet again, I swore I'd not touch alcohol at all today, yet here I am at half five with my drink.
(I don't have any children yet, before you start worrying about them. If I keep on like this, I never will. What sort of mum gets drunk and falls over regularly?)

How are you today Owlets? You seem to be doing really well.

good morning!
i've been so busy the last few days I haven't had a chance to update on here, so I doubt any one is still around. But just incase I wanted to let you know how I'm doing.
I woke up on wednessday feeling so ill. My whole body was weak and aching. I'm not sure whether it was to do with withdrawal, illness, or a combination of being run down and also my body being in a slight state of shock. Anyway, felt really grotty and managed to get through the day only with the aid of huge doses of vit C and nurofen.
Felt ill the next to days too, but not so bad. Ive kept my vit levels up, eaten healthy meals, but snacking quite alot and drinking too much coffee! Smoking more than usual too, but one thing at a time....
I've been to 2 AA meetings so far. Not sure I completely get them yet, but I'll keep going.
I went to a wedding yesterday. Lots of drinks around, but I stuck to water all night. I was out of the room when the waiters brought round the champagne for the toasts, so I had a glass in front of me, but didn't touch it at all (well I picked it up and toasted with it but didn't drink any).
Was lovely waking up this morning fresh, not hungover and knowing I behaved myself!
Thanks for helping me out this week. Its been great having support. At the wedding last night when I was having a little 'wobble' I went into the loos and read this thread on my phone, and it kept me strong. Thanks so much.

Well done! You are doing very well. I've been lurking here waiting for an update from you.

My DH didn't get AA at first. I'm not altogether sure that he does now, tbh, but he gets what he needs from it. He hasn't particularly done the steps (he is 3 years sober) but he has always gone to meetings and he meets with other AA friends regularly. He found the higher power thing really off-putting to begin with but he kind of gets it now and has rationalised it in his own mind!

Try different meetings, too, as they are all different.

Best of luck!

wow, well done you owlets that is fantastic. You should be very proud of yourself,. Small steps, one hour at a time.

Thanks you two.
Yeah, it was the higher power stuff that jumped out at me too. I'm not going to write off ever getting it (or rationalising it as you said - good derscription). its good to know you can go to the meetings and not do the steps. miflaw also said that. I think the meetings themselves could be comforting enough (for the time being atleast) without trying to follow something I don't fully believe.
This week I'm not so busy with work, so I'll try out different meetings. CJCREGG - if youre still lurking, can you reccommend me some of the good central London ones?
Thanks again! I'm so pleased i've (almost) got through week 1.
Will continue to let you know how I'm getting on.

Owlets that is brilliant - well done for going to an event like a wedding and not drinking, that is a fantastic step.

And yes, no need to do the steps. For my DH, he has found that certain bits of the steps were really useful - he does a "gratitude list" every day and also writes a kind of diary as well with difficult things he has faced and how he has overcome them (I think - I've never read it!).

Also, he has found having a sponsor really great, and he is now also a sponsor to another guy. But there's no need, as long as there is a mechanism that you have in place if you're wobbling. He found having a sponsor to call really useful, but you may not.

As long as it's working for you, keep at it!

Really, well done, you're doing brilliantly!

Good on you owlets, what a great start.

Hi Owlets! Sounds like you're doing really well. Don't panic, you don't have to do anything until you feel like it - just sitting and listening is the best thing you can possibly do.

Re meetings, I don't know where you are or what your work hours are, but there are loads around, obviously! You could pick up a copy of Where to Find which lists them all, and the best thing is to do the rounds a bit until you find the ones that you like best. There's a really good one in Soho on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings, 6-7 - a very good friend goes to the Tuesday one and loves it, and I've started going to the Wednesday one if I'm in town. Lots of good sobriety and quite a few newcomers, and everyone is very positive and encouraging. There's also Hinde Street, which pretty much has meetings all day every day, although they can be quite big and at the start I found bigger meetings a bit intimidating.

I'm very happy to meet you and go with you to a meeting if you'd like to, though of course completely understand that this is something deeply personal and you would probably prefer to do it your own way. I honestly won't be offended, don't worry!

Hope you've had a good weekend. My mum and her bloke came for lunch yesterday and produced a bottle of cold white wine which reminded me of hot lazy summer days. But apart from a bit of nostalgia I found I was quite happy to drink Diet Coke, especially when Mum had to have 'a little lie down' because she'd drunk too much in the sun So there are upsides ...

Owlets wow you coped with a wedding and a glass of chanpagne right in front of your face, even in your hand. That's amazing.

Keep going and keep those targets managable - cheering you on all the way !

hello again,
Well I've survived 8.5 days sober. I went to another AA meeting yesterday. Its definately helping me.
Willsurvive - I had my moments at the wedding! Little voice in my head telling me its ok to drink at a wedding, that I can have one night off etc, but I managed to get through it. By the time i was served the champagne I was feeling very determined though. I was sat at a table with people I didn't know that well, and they were barely drinking. At one point one of the girls exclaimed how she couldn't believe they'd nearly got through 2 bottles of wine (between 9! over a period of about 2hrs! - I tell you it would have been double that if guest number 10 had been drinking...)So I think their sobriety made me think what a twat i'd look if I did start drinking. Quite useful really!
Cjcregg - I'm going to try and go to one of the Soho meetings either tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for the offer of meeting me, but as i'm not sure which one I'll be able to make, i'll just go alone. If you see a dark haired 30 year old lurking in the background it could be me....

Thanks again everyone.

Well done Owlets, you are doing so well. I'm really glad that you are updating the thread, too.

My DH used to keep a diary in the early days of his sobriety. I've never read it and he doesn't do it any more but he said it really helped.

Owlets, you are doing really well, good on you.

I am so pleased you got through the wedding okay. However, if you have to do it again, I would recommend that you do everything you can to avoid ending up in the situation of holding a glassful of an alcoholic beverage, especially a "socially acceptable" one like champagne (SO much easier to remember what you are when it's a can of White Lightning or a Johnny Walker miniature, though you don't often see those at weddings ...) - ask the waitress not to pour you any and leave it empty, give it away immediately, ask for water, ANYTHING except be in the situation where you are pretending to lift a glass of wine to your lips.

I also found it very useful, especially in early sobriety, to know in advance where the nearest AA meeting was and how to get there. Thought I rarely went, the knowledge itself that there was somewhere to go if it all got too much was a big help.

Alternatives are going to a meeting or part of a meeting prior to the big event, and having lots of understanding people's phone numbers ready to hand.

Well done again. It gets better, you know.

I have to say I agree with MIFLAW. What we do is to turn over our wine glass so we don't have to say anything. The waiter usually just takes it away and offers a jug of water instead.

I do agree with you too. Its just I was away from the table when the waiter brought round the champagne, and had poured me one when I was away. Next time i'll turn over my glass - I wouldn't have thought of that trick - thanks. Hmmm, I've alot to learn.

Hi Owlets

Well done for getting going with AA so quickly. You sound really positive.

I'm 18 days sober and find the website www.mywayout.org really really helpful and inspirational.

Good luck

Owlets, it's true - you do sound really positive, well done you.

Hope you can find some good meetings. I like the Soho Sober ones but may not be there tomorrow after all, as it looks as though I'll be nearer to home so will go to a local one. So don't worry, nobody will 'know' you. But, always happy to meet if you'd like to, it's no problem either way.

Owlets

hope it didn't come across that I was criticising. It was a situation that you should try really really hard to avoid, because people pick up a drink even years after stopping and it's quite often because there's a drink nearby when they're having their one weak moment.

But, once you were in the sitaution, you handled it very well, and you should draw enormous strength from it.

I guess my message is, well done - but don't tempt fate too often.

Also, be sure to try lots of different meetings - though bad meetings are exceptionally rare, they are all different, and some will suit you more than others.

for example, I could never go to a Soho meeting except in an emergency - I sense they're full of the people that used to scare me when I WAS drinking! But others clearly love them.

So, if ever you find a meeting that isn't right for you, look around for one that is.

Miflaw - I didn't take it as a critisism! Sorry if my post sounded a bit defensive. I didn't mean it that way either.
I'm going to go to another meeting tonight. My husband is out and I have nothing to do. Not decided which one though. If I finish work early i'll go to my local one (If theres one near me tonight), If i'm running late though i'll try out the Soho one - I'll report back on how scary it is!
I have to say, the majority of the time I'm enjoying not drinking. I'm already taking a bit more care of myself than I would when drunk/hungover/dying for a drink. Little things like wearing nice summery clothes rather than trying to hide from the world in sloppy black don't-look-at-me-i'm-hungover clothes are enough to keep my spirits up. Silly really, but I can't remember the last time I woke up thinking 'what shall I wear today?'.Its a nice change!
Thanks again for all the support. I will be back!

How are you doing, Owlets? Hope you are still feeling positive.

Hi there,
yup, still feeling positive most of the time. I have a very antisocial bank holiday lined up, but its for the best in the long run. I'm not sure I could spend the weekend with people drinking just yet without at somepoint thinking 'screw it, i'll just have the one'. I'm perfectly happy for husband to open a bottle of wine with his dinner, but a room/garden of people doing the same? Maybe next bank holiday.
I've had a few dreams about drinking - not fun, sociable drinking, but scummy, first-thing-in-the-morning drinking. Something I have done in reality quite rarely, but I think was about to start becomming more common. God your in a mess when the dregs of wine look more tempting at 8am than a mug of coffee or tea.
Well, its been 12 days now. I'm jumping out of bed with lots of energy in the morning, not staggering into the kitchen and eyeing up the dregs. Things are going in the right direction!
thanks again,

You are doing well and you are doing the right thing in avoiding lots of drinking company right now. Please do make sure you have something fun planned instead though, as boredom is not going to help.

Are you serious about your dh drinking at the table with you. Am I unreasonable to not find that very supportive? You need all the help you can get and really he ought to want to do anything to help.

Keep taking those positive steps, it is good to hear

Hi Willsurvive,
I don't mind him drinking infront of me at all. He doesn't drink alot, its not every night, and to be honest if he gave up drinking for a month or so with me I can imagine convincing myself that when he starts drinking again its ok for me to do so too. Almost like we were both just having a little break. He's only bought those little bottles too - so there is nothing left over after he's poured himself a glass. It seems to be working ok, if it starts to bother me I'll tell him and he'll stop.
I'm trying to think of things to do this weekend to keep myself entertained... I might just do the default bank holiday activity of DIY. The spare room needs painting so thats half the weekend gone! And maybe a picnic or art gallery depending on the weather...
I saw you had a bit of a break through with your therapy. Well done! I really hope things start to get easier for you now.

"Are you serious about your dh drinking at the table with you. Am I unreasonable to not find that very supportive? You need all the help you can get and really he ought to want to do anything to help."

If I'm honest, I'd say that this is reasonable. It's not the OP's husband who has a problem with drink, is it? And, ultimately, we cannot live in a bubble - drink is not cocaine, it is legal and socially accepted, and we will never be able to base our sobriety wholly on avoiding drinkers. The "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous says as much.

So, if her husband decides that he wants to support her in this way, all well and good - but I don't think he should be criticised if he doesn't, and I'm sure he's supporting her in all sorts of other ways.

Just my opinion.

Owlets

Get hold of the book "Living sober" from your meeting tonight - very practical advice on not drinking.

And maybe get to extra meetings over the weekend - there will be meetings every day, even Monday (typically, a meeting only closes if its venue closes) - so no excuse!

Keep up the good work. Thinking of you.

S