SH

[BrokenDoll]

When distraction doesn't work and neither does the last resort of 'lots of little things'...what do you do?

I don't even know why i feel like this this time.

call someone generally, anyone, ask about their day - hearing normal mundane details keeps me back in reality for a little while longer. Never say I'm feeling this, that and the other, just put up the facade and talk about nothing...it helps

You ok?

well, i am probably not much help because i always gave in, because the alternative seemed so much worse

but i'd say that you could do a lot worse than talking to someone about it!
why are you feeling you want to do it? build up of lots of stuff? something big? spill!

don't feel ashamed - it is a coping mechanism, not something bad in/about you

No, talking 'out loud' is not an option.

I just don't want to be here and i know i don't have the luxury of running away or the fantasy if you like, of suicide because i don't actually want to die.
Does that make sense?

yes, it makes sense

there is a great Nietzsche quote which goes something like

"the thought of suicide is a great consolation, by means of it I have got through many a long night"

meh, irrelevant really.
so, what could change in your life to make it more bearable? what are the htings that are pushing your buttons right now?

are you on any meds btw? or having therapy?

No meds or therapy.

I just don't want to be here. If i could walk away today, i think i would.

walk to where? would things be better if you weren't where you were?

Brokendoll do you not feel you would benefit from meds and or therapy?

sorry, if you weren't where you are

what i mean is, any problems you have will still be your problems even if you are somewhere else..

Walk away from the DCs, from where i live, from people who know me.

I don't want therapy. I don't want anyone else to know what i was and what i hide. I don't want meds purely because i don't want to have to keep going back to my GP every month and explaining that no i don't feel better, as was the case last time i was on them.

i guess that's true thisisyesterday

BrokenDoll, Could you try writing out your feelings instead of talking out loud? If I feel rubbish and am trying to distract from sh I open up a word document write what ever is going on in my head and delete when I am finished no one needs to read it and you don't have to worry about anyone finding it.

i haven't SH for over 5 years now

do you know what made me stop? I had a tiny little newborn baby, and I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom with blood everywhere. and i looked in the mirror and i tohught WTF am I doing
this little boy deserves more than this.
and i stopped, because I didn't ever want that part of my life to affect his life.

you may not want pepole to know about your past, you may want to keep things hidden inside and not let them out.... but your children deserve a mum who is happy (and YOU deserve to be happy too)

I know nothing I can say over the internet is really going to affect you too much. You can only stop when you want to stop, and you'll only seek help when you want to seek help...
but why is letting a therapist know your past so bad? why is it so awful if it could help give you and your children a better future?

I fought against any kind of therapy and medication for years. and you know what? it was stupid, becuase once I accepted the help I saw WHY I was feeling the way I was. and it wasn't because I was a bad person, or because I had a terrible past and I am sure that isn't the case for you etiehr

there is help out there for you. you can stop this if you want to

I'm not sure i do want to right now if i am honest.

MY DCs would be far better off without me rather than having me here and unable to give them what they need and forever shouting at them.

NOt sure i want to stop that is.

Thank you for sharing TIY.

BrokenDoll, I said the same very recently but sh is a coping mechanism and as I began to deal with the things that were causing me to be so upset and opening up and getting ad's I have began to reduce how much I need to rely on sh.

I won't lie and say this is easy because it isn't, but you can do it once you decide you want to help yourself. Keep talking.

no they wouldn't. imagine the pain they woulkd go through if you went? they love you, children love unconditionally.... you just can't see it right nowi

Littlemarshmallow has it spot on. The SH is a coping mechanism, the use of meds and therapy can help you deal with things until you're ready to go through them and sort them out, and once they're sorted... well there is no need for that coping mechanism any more

but like i say, you can't do it until you want to do it.
but I reckon you ahve a few good reasons for stopping

how many children do you have? how old are they?

I have 3 DCs - moody 7 year old, 5 year old with ASD type issues (undiagnosed) and a 2 year old. I don't want to go into detail about them - sorry, just not wanting to link my usual name with this one.

that's ok. I have 3 too, inc a 5 yr old with poss ASD!!! he is my eldest though

are you on your own with them? only as as I wondered if you have a very good support network? partner or husband, friends, family?

i used to think everyone i knew would be better off without me around making them miserable and complicating things
it's only since I started getting better that i've realised just how much my going would have fucked them all up.

I have DH here so no not on my own. I used to do everything with them, including taking DS2 to hospital appointments. It wasn't until earlier this year with a Dyspraxia diagnosis on paper that he accepted that my 5 year fight to get him some help had been real.
He now does most things because i just prefer not being round them

Hang in there - I used to have fantasies of walking away and never coming back - I did walk away one time but eventually texted someone for help.

I thought if I disappear DH will be able to marry a better woman and DS will ahve a better mummy.

Now recently things have been really bad and I've fantasised of doing something really stupid it has been the thought of my ds stopping me.

I really think you should consider your 'I don't want therapy' statement. You have a lot to live for

that's sad brokendoll

wouldn';t you like to go back to being able to play with them and do stuff for them?

They ask for daddy.

brokendoll so does my ds - he's a real daddy's boy, but that's because dh roughhouses with him and is in and out of the house all day while i am more constant and the one who does the feeding, dressing etc.

It can so erode your self esteem as a mum though

i expect they do, because they're used to him doing it all now.
that doesn't mean they don't still love and want you to do things with them though.

why don't you come up with one small thing you could do with each of them this week?
could be something like taking the little one out for awalk, or spending some time with your 5 year old painting pictures.... anything, just see how nice it can feel doing things for them