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Original poster

anyone around? feeling so bad today

39 replies

willsurvivethis · 08/05/2010 16:47

don't know how long I can keep this up until I completely crack.

Too much to deal with right now and DH is giving me more to worry about. Friends say I need to leave his problems with him but I don't trust him to look after himself(he's depressed)

Feeling so down, so heavy and burdened. DH just asked what's wrong, I have already told him before I'm struggling, I said I feel everything is too much. He says 'I know what you mean' - that's the extend of his support. I love him but this is hard.

I have RL friends who are aware that I'm struggling - I spoke to one of them late last night and one briefly today and they are there for me I know they are. They want to support me and be there for me. But I just don't feel able to go to them and say 'Help'.

Just sitting here with my ds, want to close my eyes and disappear. Didn't sleep despite Nytol - that doesn't help things.

Don't know what to do anymore or how to cope.

OP posts:
GetDownYouWillFall · 08/05/2010 16:51

oh willsurvivethis I am so so sorry to hear that.

You know, life is full of ups and downs, good patches and bad patches. Although it doesn't seem it right now, you WILL come through this and have good times again. And so will your DH.

Is there anything right now that would help e.g. asking one of your friends to take the DC for an afternoon?

I know you don't like taking stuff, but one zopiclone from the doctor won't do you any harm - you will feel so much better for a good night's sleep.

Wish there was something I could say / do to make it all go away. All I can say is that I have been there - I know what it's like to go through dark dark times where everything is bleak. Please hold on. You will come through the other side.

I will say a prayer for you x

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 08/05/2010 16:54

I know just how you feel.

How can I help?

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 08/05/2010 16:57

Just want someone else to do the looking after for a while, take care of me - not to be the one who needs to keep it all together. Didn't get that as a child, still not getting it now.

Can say one thing, having one half with PTSD and one with clinical depression makes even a really good marriage difficult .

OP posts:
kizzie · 08/05/2010 17:01

Hi -Im here and going through a difficult time too.

i really sympathise with the fact that your DH has problems too. I am feeling very isolated from my DH at the moment. Not because he has depression but because he finds it impossible to deal with mine. When i am well we have a wonderful marriage but he just cant cope with me like this at all. So I do understand the loneliness that that causes when you are trying to get yourself back.

No advice for today really - im just counting through the hours. Is there some rubbish on tv you could just watch to waste a bit of time. I think theres a few hours of Come Dine with Me on Channel 4.

Hope tomorrow better x

GetDownYouWillFall · 08/05/2010 17:01

Then you really need to take up your friends' offer of help. Don't be embarrassed asking - if they are real friends they will be happy to support you. You really need it right now.

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 08/05/2010 17:04

At the risk of just stupidly moaning I don't know what I need from my friends, what to ask them for. Plus I'm too scared of being too much for them - I know that's me not them but it is really strong. My needs have come last from a very young age and I am always too scared of being too much.

OP posts:
cpanda · 08/05/2010 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 08/05/2010 17:15

I think you are me .

No one looked after me as a child either though DH is really great with me. I sometimes don't know what I want either.

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 08/05/2010 17:20

I had my parents and they did look after me, but I was sexually abused without their knowledge - I couldn't tell them, they couldn't protect me so I've never felt safe or protected and have felt on my own since I was about 7.

DH just can't give much at the moment - he's too busy with himself. He is doing his best, taking ADs and having very thorough therapy that is paying off.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 08/05/2010 17:22

It would have been very hard for them to protect you when they didn't know it was happening but I totally get that you wouldn't think of that when you were a child.

What is it you would really want and how do you think you can achieve it?

LesbianMummy1 · 08/05/2010 17:28

I am here to help if I can do you just need a shoulder to cry on or is it more practical help you need?

Remember you are not alone and you will find your coping strategy soon.

I so relate to your situation where you are having to be the glue that hold's things together due to your partner having depression etc all i can say is just over 3 years later the tables have turned and I can honestly say I am being supported well

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 08/05/2010 17:40

Thanks everyone - LesbianMummy - dh has been depressed on and off since before we've met so I'm used to coping with it and supporting him. But for the last year and a bit I've not been well and it has been much harder to fit that into the relationship dynamic- for both of us.

Fab I want someone to hold me and make me feel safe for just a few hours, let me talk rubbish and cry. I have a wonderful big brother who will do that anytime, in fact only did it a few days ago, but he struggles with DH not taking better care of me and so I can find it hard to bring that to him.

OP posts:
kizzie · 08/05/2010 18:06

Totally understand the fear of being too for other people. I have one very supportive friend in particular and my sister is very good (although she lives a long way away she is good on the phone) but I have had this a few times before and I dont think its fair on them to keep leaning on them so much.
(Although because ive been well for the last 3 years I know ive done my own bit of supporting.)

Your brother sounds fantastic - and able to offer just what you need at the moment. I know it wont be easy but I think you should go to him with the fact that you're not supported by DH at the moment. You can do it in a very non judgemental way 'DH is normally wonderful but hes going through a difficult time at the moment and Id really appreciate your big brother shoulder to cry on even more than usual for the next little while.

As Get down says - life is full of ups and downs and Im sure you do the same for him x

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 08/05/2010 18:16

If you are near me I will come with freshly made chocolate cake and cuddles.

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 08/05/2010 18:19

Thanks Fab- you are Fab x

Am tackling the eating disorder I've had since I was 7 - not been anywhere near cake or chocolate for a while now - making me feel things even more!!

OP posts:
kizzie · 08/05/2010 18:21

I know it must be impossible for you to see but you are doing so much in tackling the PTSD and the eating disorder. And one day yo will have the benefit of all that x

LesbianMummy1 · 08/05/2010 19:21

sorry computer crashed what area are you in? is there any mumsnetters near you who could be supportive? sending lot's of hugs your way

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 08/05/2010 19:41

Right at least little man is in bed now - don't need to be cheery for him anymore.

Told DH over dinner how I felt and predictably he's drawn more into himself. We were meant to watch a film together tonight but he had forgotten and still has his work to do for tomorrow that he's been unable to face all day...

Will see how I go - if I really can't hack it I will do my best to call someone.

Thanks for the support x

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 08/05/2010 19:47

Take care.

countrylover · 08/05/2010 20:23

if you are anywhere in london then please just say the word and i will come and hold your hand tomorrow.

you don't know me but sometimes that's better. human kindness from strangers is sometimes heartwarming enough to make you see that life is worth living and there is a point to living with this black fog.

i hope that helps. i know when i was in my darkest moments all i wanted was for someone to understand and know how scary and lonely it can be dealing with it all.

cpanda · 09/05/2010 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 09/05/2010 08:30

Hi cpanda thank you - there is a post from you on here??

Still had a very difficult night, spoke to brother on fb, he's concerned I'm not going to keep this up much longer and that I must concentrate on myself. Don't know how though. Will see him in church this morning.

Got the same message from a friend I spoke to as well.

Took 2 Nytol - got some sleep but full of dreams plus both dh and ds were wide awake at some point too.

So very tired but not as low and desperate as yesterday.

It really helped to throw it out on here.

OP posts:
cpanda · 09/05/2010 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 09/05/2010 10:39

I hope you are okay W.

LittleMarshmallow · 09/05/2010 11:49

Morning WillSurvive,

I hope you got some rest last night. I understand the not asking for help or not knowing what to ask for. Could one of your friends take ds for a couple of hours and maybe the other take you for coffee? or could you do something just for you ?

What nytol tablets are you taking? they dont all work the same.

Thinking about you.