Insomnia friends it's me again!

[BeckyBendyLegs]

Hi everyone, I've had a brilliant two weeks, sleeping brilliantly then last night, end of the weekend, anxiety overcomes me again, awful thoughts in my head 'I can't sleep, I can't live like this, I want to die, I'm a crap mum, I can't do it, I can't do it'. And here I am again.

I really thought I'd cracked it. I really thought I was better. I've started working again and I was loving every minute of it.

Here I am downstairs on the computer waiting for everyone to wake up after a long, long, long painful night. I seem to have this Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde personality. When I sleep well I am totally fine and me. When I have a bad night I am having irrational suicidal thoughts which are not me at all and poor DH has to listen to me rant on about how I can't do this anymore.

What should I do? Soilder on? Put this down to yet another bad night? Do I need to take ADs? If I only have one bad night every 10 nights or so surely it's not worth it?

I don't know what to do. I just hate this sleep-deprived anxiety-ridden me. It's not me.

Sorry for rambling. There are people on here with more problems than me I know. This is nothing really.

BBL - sorry to hear of your insomnia woes. However, just write it off as one bad night. If you allow the anxiety to build up over it, chances are you'll start the insomnia cycle again - so accept it as a one-off and try to forget it again.

If you haven't already got some lavender oil please go and get some today - not only might it help with sleep but it does help with reducing anxiety and calming you. Rescue remedy might be an idea as well, to take the stress out of the situation. I doubt you need ADs from what you've just said but you clearly do need your sleep!

Is your bedroom completely dark? Do you have electronic alarms with LED displays? Any source of light can disturb the pineal gland and cause poor/interrupted sleep.

I'm sorry BBL you had a bad night, but agree with thumbwitch that you should put it down to a one off.

Can you have a slower day today to be kind to yourself?

Thumbwitch I have lavender (hanging on my bedside lamp) and I did use rescue remedy last night at about midnight. It did help reduce the worry. Bedroom is dark, clock face obscured, etc.

There is no such thing as a slower day with three children including a five month old - and eldest going to Beavers tonight.

Already we are struggling. They can sense I am not myself.

I know that I have to put it down to a one-off. That's the only way I am going to get over this horrible, horrible problem.

Becky sorry you had a bad night. You are doing so well now that you join the rest of the world, sleeping mostly ok but with the occassional bad one, particularly after a long weekend with different sleep/activity patterns. Congrats, you're normal - the only thing is you are on a hair trigger so the minute it happens you panic.

That will slowly change too.

And of course you can have a slower day, cbeebies, lots of toys and not trying to be supermum.

Willsurvive that's so true. I do panic if I can't get to sleep now whereas before DS3 was born if I couldn't get to sleep I'd get DH to come lie next to me (this'd be about 11pm by the way!) and tell me a nice story and I'd be gone zzzzz! That would happen about twice a year! I'm just not used to having a bad night every week or so and fighting it and finding it very frightening and catastrophising beyond belief - it's the end of the world, I'm going to die, I can't live like this, I'm a bad mum, etc. It is bloody pants to be honest! It's been going on since Christmas Eve but I am so much better than I was. I feel guilty for going on as there really are people with much more to cope with than me and they are coping really well whereas I'd crumble. Ah guilt.

I feel so lucky to have you guys here on MN to listen to me and support me (soppy sleep-deprived moment coming on). I couldn't get through these days without you guys.

hi becky - i think willsurvivethis is quite right, you are totally normal!

everyone i know has bad nights and good nights sleep. very few people sleep well every night. even now i have the odd bad night...but before i got better that would have sent me into a panic and set off a whole days and nights of anxiety around sleep. now it doesn't phase me (as much )

the key is to think of last night as a one off. i know you had a really bad night two weeks ago. so that was a one off wasn't it? it didn't mean anything and the following nights you slept well until now. therefore the same is true of last night. maybe if you can accept that every two weeks or so you have a night of no sleep and almost allow yourself to do that then it will take away the pressure?

i hope that helps. as always i really do know exactly how you feel.

xx

My mum said exactly the same thing to me today. She said that I panic when I have a bad night and I need to stop that and think 'oh well,' and just move on. I know I need to do that. I will try

becky my CPN is just about to arrive, but will message you later.
x

Hi becky

Poor you, it's terrible to have a bad night after a period where you feel you have finally "cracked it", Lord knows I had many of those.

It was like, one bad night would flick a switch, all the anxiety would come rushing back again, I'd feel sick and depressed and dreadful and back to square one again.

At my worst it would take about 2 weeks to get a normal sleeping pattern back.

Somehow, I managed to get to a point where I could generally sleep again the next night after one bad night. After a bad night now, I do feel dreadful, but I concentrate on purely surviving the day, no more than that. I also convince myself I will sleep better tonight because I am more tired.

Yes the anxiety is terrible, but you have to remember that not all of it is down to lack of sleep. I realised something the other day. The night before my wedding I was so nervous and excited I didn't sleep a wink. But did I feel terrible the next day? No!

The reason I feel terrible the next day now after a bad night is partly in my head. Maybe it is for you too?

If you are only having a bad night once in every 10 days, that's not bad really. Probably not worth going on ADs if you are fine the rest of the time. However, I really think you need to come up with a strategy that you can use everytime you have a bad night.

As I said, my strategy is along the lines of:

• admit I will feel rubbish the next day
• focus on survival (yorus and DCs only)
• keep busy (try not to think about sleep)
• don't try to have a nap
• as evening approaches, wind down (for me this means staying away from the PC!), watch a little TV maybe, have a bath etc.
• go through your "story" in your head as you lay down.
• if you don't fall asleep within half an hour get up get out of your bedroom, read for a bit, then try again.

Sympathies, I will say it again, you WILL get there.
x

GetDown thanks so much. You are right. This level of anxiety about sleep isn't normal.

Sometimes I read back my posts on here and think I sound like a broken record as it's the same old, same old stuff. Then I go quiet for a week or so because I'm sleeping well and happy and I'm thinking 'Yeah I'm cured'. My poor mum has been coming around every Wednesday since I first fell apart at Christmas and she just looks tired of hearing me go on and on about sleep every week same old stuff, same worries, same anxieties. I'm boring myself too

I will get there, I am sure of it too. But it is hard work and my resolve sometimes crumbles (on a Sunday night usually).

PS I did sleep the night before my wedding and that fact totally amazes me now! How on earth did I manage that? I need to get back to that person who could sleep anywhere, any time and under extreme stress!

Well, you don't bore me - because I have been there.

So keep posting as much as you like

Thanks I'm sure I will even if to say 'hey I'm feeling great!' (she hopes)

Becky Thanks for the hug, am sending one back to you. I'm so sorry, I didn't realise you had been feeling so bad. You're doing so well, and it can't be easy to cope with three boys!
I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but what the other ladies on here have said seems very wise. Do you have time once a week to go and do something relaxing for you, to see if it lowers anxiety levels? I'm going to have reflexology tomorrow morning while ds is at school, I can't wait. IF I manage to get out of bed that is
Sending you lots of love xxx

Hi BBL, I have problems sleeping too. Try not to have an active mind before trying to go to sleep, so no tv or reading just beforehand. Avoid alcohol, beacuse the dehydration wakes you up early. Do you have any relaxation techniques to divert your thinking? I think of really mundane stuff like redecorating every room in the house mentally....if you focus on this neutral thoughts, you soon relax

mbm hello! Let me know how the reflexology goes - sounds lovely. I feel so awful for having these problems as I haven't anything tangible to be causing them at all - I should be really happy and I am really happy but anxious as well. I have started painting again (oil painting) and I find when I do I have zero anxiety it is wonderful. But sadly I don't have much time for painting now started work again.

Could dh hold the fort for a while each evening so you had chance to paint?
How's work going? Don't feel awful for feeling like you do - you've had a lot going on so it's not surprising you're feeling anxious.
Someone on another thread I'm on came up with the idea that if you've had mc's and/or a difficult time getting pg it can put more pressure on you to make sure everything's perfect when it does eventually happen. So if it's not, it can cause problems like PND and anxiety... Does that make sense? It resonated with me, even though we haven't got there yet - I imagine that when we do (hopefully) fulfil our dream it will all be picture perfect and fantastic, but life rarely lives up to the expectations we have, does it...

Wrt to what you said scurryfunge it's really good idea to focus on something boring or very familiar to you. I do exactly the same thing
Another thing it to try to stay calm while you can't get to sleep - keep reminding yourself that you are resting at least, and try to stay relaxed. It takes a while for me anyway, but I do tend to go back to sleep.

xxx

mbm that is so true. As you know DS3 was so wanted so badly and the reality was a lot harder than I thought it'd be. I thought a third baby would just blend in and I'd be this super mum with her ducklings following behind! I do wonder whether that has caused my anxieties but I feel so guilty for the way I am now. I shouldn't be like this at all.

I do the boring thinking too. Counting backwards is another technique. And I make up stories in my head too but sometimes I get too into them and think 'hang on, I'm still awake!' My mum reckons looking down (with your eyes shut) makes you fall asleep.

I shall try the looking down tonight although these new pills will probably conk me out before I get chance!

Please try not to think that you shouldn't be like this. This is how you're feeling, regardless of how or why it's happened. Just try to move on from where you are now and don't berate yourself for having got there in the first place.
I always try to think positively about things, as difficult as it sometimes is () and I find that this, in time, breeds positivity. You are lovely, and wonderful, and a fantastic mummy - keep telling yourself that

You too I also try to think positively. It does help.

Hi becky how did last night go?

Slept pretty well Anxiety levels getting less as the week goes on.

My weeks seem to have this pattern:
Sunday night - terrible if any sleep at all despite not feeling anxious in the daytime.
Monday night - sleep eventually after a bit of a paddy and very anxious day.
Tuesday night - ok sleep or sometimes not very good but not as bad as Sunday.
Wednesday-Saturday night - each night gradually better and by Sunday I think 'yeah I'm better'.
Then by Sunday night again I get 'Sundaynightitus' worrying about the week ahead and crap night again! Cycle continues. Perhaps I should just accept this now and be glad that I can get to sleep the other nights with decreasing levels of anxiety as the week goes on. I'm getting used to the anxiety. It's horrible but lots of people have general anxiety. I did have this after DS1 and DS2 (without the sleep issues).

The anxiety for me was much worse than the not sleeping. Once I'd cracked the anxiety, guilt and low mood then the sleep just seemed to happen of it's own accord.

You just have to keep telling yourself you will get better. There are a few of us on here who have had post natal insomnia and we are now recovering so there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't recover too.

Bringing up babies is sooooo tough but now DS2 is over the first year things just seem more calm and 'normal'. It won't be long until your DS3 is past the baby stage which is sad in a way. But for me with both DS's once they got to one years old I have felt an enormous sense of relief. Perhaps you will have that too?

countrylover it is sad but that is exactly how I felt with DS1 and DS2, and do feel with DS3. I find babies really hard! With both the first two I lived with anxiety until they were around one (not realising this wasn't normal - never occurred to me I might have a touch of PND - and I was really phobic about sickness with them, less so with DS3 strangely enough) and it did gradually ease off. This time it has hit me much harder for a number of reasons I think. I am holding on to the hope that it will gradually get better and it has got better. In January I was a mess. In February still pretty bad and it has gradually got a bit better but I think I am impatient. I want to be completely better. Perhaps I just need to accept that it takes time and I will have anxiety and bad times to come.

I genuinely feel that I couldn't have got this far without the help and support of all of you who have been through this, and much worse too, than me. It has helped enormously

Sunday nights have always been the worst for me too. Even now I still struggle with sunday nights.

We should just go straight to Monday nights and have no Sunday nights