When you know you have hit the self destruct button

[LittleMarshmallow]

How do you stop?

Hi LM, what do you mean, what's happened?

I'm just withdrawing back into my shell and know I am slipping but I just don't know how to pull myself out of this.

Have you been back to the GP. The thing with depression is that you can't pull yourself out of it. You need help to get out of it.

Yeah I have a cpn now and thanks to my hv i have anti-depressants which were increased last week and on weekly dispense because they are worried I might OD on them.

I have been signed off work till the end of the month too.

ds is away all week and I am wandering around the house like he is never coming back.

I have cancelled all my apps for this week, as I dont feel like I can deal with the outside world all I have been doing is painting and that worries me but not enough to reach out for help

How long have you been on the ADs now? They take a while to work. It took me at least 6 weeks to feel better on them.

Painting is good - at least you are not cowering in bed unable to get up?

Use this time whilst DS is away to rest and recharge a little.

A short walk outside every day is a must. Particularly now the sun is shining a bit. Force yourself. You won't feel like going but you must. You will feel better for it.

It's good you have a CPN - you must let them know how things are going with you x

4 weeks the updated dose 1 week.

I spent the afternoon hiding in my bed and tonight I am watching safe kids movies curled up on the sofa not dealing with anyone.

Part of the problem is i really dont like my cpn dont know why but when i tell her how things are she tells me she doesnt know what to do

I will be safe tonight am going to take sleeping tablets, cant harm myself when I am asleep

Thanks WillSurvive

Sorry GetDown even

Littlemarshmellow that's a compliment - for me

Anyway - expressed my concern for you on our other thread earlier today. The good thing is that you are talking about it, expressing it. The frustrating thing is that you may feel better if you do let someone in. I do when I manage.

Is there anyone you feel like seeing even if it is just one person and even if not until thursday?

Big hug and keep talking to us

There isn't really anyone I want to talk to as if I see my hv I will get told the truth which I can't handle this week. That is silly I know as it is the one good thing I like about her.

I think I am going to paint, listen to music, try and make the house more homely for ds and break time down into little chunks.

Waves to willsurvivethis !

LM - can you ask for a different CPN? They should be someone you trust and can be completely open with. Sounds like she is a bit inexperienced - saying she doesn't really know what to do?

It's a good idea as you say to break down your time into little chunks. There is another thread somewhere on here about telling someone when you have achieved something in your day - no matter how small

x

And then the day got worse! My hv phoned (remind me later why I answered that call!!) and is now so concerned about ds that I am getting ss involved and she is off back to her office to report everything to my gp and cpn.

I regret saying anything see, this is what happens when you are honest, I am going to lose ds and they are going to chuck me in a hospital I need to run away.

I don't think SS will take ds away from you, you are clearly a good mum who loves him and they are not all as bad as they are painted. Have heard about your hv on the other thread. She sounds very dodgy and I doubt her scaremongering will add up to much with them- they may not even respond to her referral.

don't run away, stay and face them gracefully if they come and you will be fine, ds clearly would not be better off without you.

I'm so sorry things are so bad for you right now and wish I were nearer to help out.

xxx

Thanks Alle, I suppose I am being silly, but she is worried about ds being my carer not the other way around, they are talking of putting me in hospital.

The only way she might not refer to ss is if I engage with the cpn and gp both of which I can't stand for various reasons.

in what sense is ds caring for you?! she sounds a right witch...

at any rate that sort of thing even if it were happening would be reason for support for the mother not taking the child away which would be far more destructive. Has she actually threatened you with this/ hospital?

Can you grit your teeth and try to 'engage' with the cpn/gp? One way would be nod and smile a bit more...I know how hard it is when you cant' stand the people...what is it they want you to do that you don't want to? Or is it that they are just flat unhelpful? In which case how are you supposed to 'engage'...

I hate the gp because everytime I have to see her instead of discussing my depression she is intent on telling me my smear is out of date, like at this moment I care about that.

The cpn last time told me that if she had to deal with everything I have she would be dead, so no I really don't like talking to her.

She thinks ds is looking after me because he does stuff around the house and helps, and also tells me he is proud of me and loves me (which is apparently only something an adult should say)

I don't play 1 on 1 with ds when the hv is here so she thinks I leave him alone on his own for hours at a time, she thinks I spend most of my time with ds in tears rocking in a corner or that was the impression she gave.

She is using ss involvement to make me deal with the cpn / gp despite me saying I dont want to this week, maybe next week, but she is having none of it.

I knew they were going to do this when ds was away. I asked what they were going to do, and she wouldnt confirm / deny hospital as she was using a different person who was in hospital as an example.

I am terrified of losing ds I love that little boy, I can't admit the hv what this will do to me, but I won't have anything left to live for.

I know the hv is concerned as I have been having suicide thoughts etc.

Please please DON'T run away from this situation
DON'T ignore their phone calls or refuse to answer the door.

This will only ring massive alarm bells to them and make your life much much harder.

Believe me I had a friend I was in hospital with (psychiatric hospital). She tried to run away from SS and they ended up taking her to court. Thankfully she won, but non cooperation on her part did not do her any favours.

You need to show them how much you love your DS, always make sure you have food in the house and that he is clean(ish) and you will have no problems.

But whatever you do, don't run away!

GetDown - I do all of that but they are not interested. I tried to explain to the hv that I made huge steps with ds, on sat/sun I dug up the garden and we (ds & i) planted flowers together and then for tea we made beefburgers together.

I feel let down, I am sorry for worrying you. I am only just back from a&e so it has been a long day, I am going to snuggle down on the sofa and watch harry potter and try for some sleep.

the hv sounds really weird and a dramatist. I doubt that other people she involves will read the situation like that- ffs ds says he loves you and that's supposed to be weird???

I had some alarmist psychiatrist threaten to get SS in on me because I mentioned to her that my ex had accused me of 'abusing' the children during our residence dispute. When she actually spoke to them they refused to get involved as it was clearly not an abusive situation.

darling wish I were closer to come and give you a big big hug and help out but as you know I'm in London.

If I were you I would actually keep listing all the things you do with ds and talking proactively to his teachers etc - I know it's teaching my grandmother to suck eggs but these people are box-tickers, that's all. You just need to put on the act they want to see. Shite I know.

I have been suicidal a lot last year and noone has talked about taking the dcs away from me- so that bit is rubbish. You would basically need to be slitting your wrists in front of them for that to happen and even then their role would be to get you well and back in a state where you were able to care for them rather than making the situation 1000 times worse.

I have heard from friends etc who work with SS that on the whole you need to be totally neglecting your children to have any threat of losing them- like being passed out drunk or on drugs all day, not feeding them, not getting them to school- not being depressed for very good reasons!

Sweetheart so and for you that you are having to put up with this shite when it's the last thing you need...

xxx

I hope you managed to get some sleep last night LM

Have been thinking of you... how has today been?

GetDown - I put it on the other depression thread, but it transpires after a hysterical 24 hrs and no sleep the hv was using the I am taking ds away and you wont see him as a threat for me to co-operate so basically I now have no choice but to deal with them but I am working on a strategy that works for me as they wont give me a new cpn

I have emailed my uni counsellor to see if she can fit me in on friday to talk about everything as it appears I cant trust the cpn or hv.

Oh dear I am so sorry to hear that... how can they think that "strategy" could possibly be helpful. The hurt and damage a threat like that can inflict.... truly they have no idea do they.

No and I am grateful that I do have some sense that I emptied my medicine cupboard of everything except the essentials. But I have had a very dark night and day. All I can do is continue to love my ds and tell him I love him.

My head hurts and is fuzzy I wish I could run away and hide but I can't so I will be making sure from now on I only say the minimum and deal with everything else through my counsellor.

To update - I saw my uni counsellor on Friday and she isn't happy that the hv and cpn are trying to make agree to joint sessions with them. She said she is going to write to my gp to recommend I see a phycolist as she feels that I shouldn't have had to fight for 3 months for ad's and that I shouldn't be using sleeping tablets from boots to cope with the nightmares etc.

She also said that I seem to have a real anxiety problem around the thought of losing ds.

So although that was positive I feel awful, I was meant to be going out on a date this afternoon which I had to cancel as the thought of getting up was too much. My lodger finally managed to convince me to get dressed around 3pm as we went out for coffee. Every little thing is exhausting right now and I have done very little to be this tired.

I still have really bad thoughts in my head but am stopping myself from planning anything, my sh is back and bad again but I found a better place than my arms, that way I can hide it better.

Also I am not getting a new cpn as I have changed doctors this year so I have to stick with the same one and the hv despite me telling the cpn I don't trust her and now don't trust the hv either. I don't half mess up my life at times.

I am so sorry your SH is back . I burnt myself on my thigh once, thinking no one would see. However, I now have a big scar and I hate wearing a swimming costume.

At least your counsellor seems to be on your side and is talking some sense?

Sounds like you definitely need more than over-the-counter stuff to cope with the sleeping problems, and it's awful you've had to fight for ADs

Sorry you cancelled your date, can you rearrange?

Yeah we might try again next weekend. I had to bargain to get my ad's and I have the weekly humiliation of a weekly dispense prescription. I am also in the fun situation where my cpn will decide the dose tell me which I then need to repeat for the gp who the write the prescription. But since I am not "engaging" with the cpn this weeks gp app will be fun.

I am still so angry over how my hv is forcing me to deal with them or risk losing my son. I feel so betrayed etc.