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Mental health

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Original poster

COULD YOU LEAVE YOUR DH IF HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION

54 replies

usedtobehappy · 23/03/2010 20:46

I really want to. things have been getting steadily worse over the past 6 months. He is on AD's (fluoxitine) but continues to drink to excess starting in the morning. Usually around 3 - 4 botrles of wine per day though he doesn't acknowledge that I know! He is currently off work as they became aware of his ever increasingly odd behaviour. We have two children. His behaviour at home is totallly unacceptable. He shuffles around in his dressing gown, diong SFA all day. I firmly believe that his depressions is all down to the drinking not the other way round. he has seen a doctr and specialist but still rubbishes them about his drinking. I cannot adequatelly describe the tension and putrid atmosphere in the hosue. We hvae had issues in teh past (him not be) which has resulted in me now being totally unable to support him as I despise what he has done.is doing to me and our children now.
there is a part of me that cannot leave because of his depressin but i realy feel that even if he was well again I wouldn't want to be here. What do i do?

OP posts:

Snorbs · 23/03/2010 22:57

usedtobehappy, you might find Edwin Friedman's piece "The Bridge" will give you something to think about.

jasper · 23/03/2010 23:10

yes

rubyhorse · 23/03/2010 23:14

I've just spent the weekend with a couple of friends in their thirties, still chewing over the impact their childhood with depressed parents had on them. If your kids are unhappy, that's double the reason to go.

coldtits · 23/03/2010 23:28

Snorbs, thank you for posting that

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/03/2010 23:37

Well, whether it's abusive or not, it's unhappy. 4 bottles of wine a day starting in the morning is really very serious drinking and your children shouldn't be around it.

Do you own the house?

Do you fear violence from him? Can you ask him to leave?

overthemill · 23/03/2010 23:42

if you are very unhappy, and if you feel you deserve a new start in life and if you feel your children would, on balance, be better off away from this situation then YES.

it is not all your responsibility, and you cannot fix people.

Original poster

usedtobehappy · 24/03/2010 08:59

snorbs - that is brilliant, true and exactly where i stand right now. Thankyou
rubyhorse: i am terrified of teh effecton my children. It has already doubtless affected them both in different ways. I must act. It is a matter of believing that what i am doing is right. thankyou

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 24/03/2010 10:26

yes you need to act. he has to leave and get well/sober. that is wholly down to him.

his depression/alcoholism is his problem - yes you can chose to stay and "suport" him - but your children have no choice.

you are forcing them to live in what you describe as hell. it is not fair to them.

re: his suicide threats - if he is at a poitn where eg he has a knife in his hand etc then just get out and call 999. they will take him to A&E and he will get help.

but sounds like is emotional blackmail...

you have a right to live free of his depression and drinking and teh behaviours that com with that.

if he wont seek help then you dont need ot feel any guilt about moving on and seeking a bette rlife for youa dn your children. above all - do it for the children.

but you need support - speak to womens aid, local doestic violence support orgs (even if not physical violence he is being emotionally abusive eg suicide threats ) CAB and local housing office - find out how much you would get HB and benefits etc.

you can support a partner who is depressed/has an addiction and who is actively seeking help and recognizes their issues - you cannot support and stay with someone who is not. you cannot subject your children to this any more.

it will be a long and bumpy road - but get on the road.

Original poster

usedtobehappy · 24/03/2010 15:16

He has said that he will get help and his comapny with cover the cost. My fear is taht if he gets better I feel so much bitterness and hatred right now that I cannot see me wanting to be with him either way. I feel consumed with hatred

OP posts:

Snorbs · 24/03/2010 16:38

He will "get help" to do what? To deal with his supposed (and likely alcohol-induced) depression, or to help him stop drinking?

Also do be aware that an awful lot of alcoholics promise that they will get help, or do something positive, at some indeterminate point in the future that never quite seems to come. All the while they're still necking large amounts of booze today just like they were yesterday, last week, last month and last year. An actively drinking alcoholic who's talking about getting help some day is just an actively drinking alcoholic.

Pay attention to what he does, not what he says he's going to do.

And if you feel that there's nothing left of your relationship then you have the right to feel like that. It's sad, but alcoholism wrecks relationships and people leave alcoholics. It's just what happens.

cestlavielife · 24/03/2010 16:45

exactly - he "he will get help ". when exactly? tomorrow? next week? next month?

until he does and you see the evidence, you need to be strong and leave him.

or make it clear he leaves elsewhere to get that help.

when he has had the help and it is working - then you will be in a position to review the relationship.

you have children - they come first.

Original poster

usedtobehappy · 24/03/2010 17:08

thank you both. I am so overwhelmed by how angry, no, furious I am. It is eating me up. I feel like i positively hate him. He will hav to accept the offer of help as his company are footing the bill and has he has been off work fully paid since January. If he refuses to do what htey have suggested then he will, presumably, lose his job and with it, our security. He is still drinking now. He spoke to his doctor today who says he has "considerable damage to his liver" and ought to get detoxed as a priority nomatter how is footing hte bill. Quite frankly, at the moment, I could not give a fuck if he dropped down dead and I hate that i feel this way but i do.

OP posts:

itsmeitsmeolord · 24/03/2010 17:19

Hi,

I am living with an alchoholic, we are in a last ditch phase of our relationship at the moment. Ie, he has promised lots of things such as stopping drinking, getting fit etc.

I just wanted to add to all the other wonderful advice you have been given that you should think about getting some counselling for yourself too.
Alchoholics have the tendancy to be manipulative and jekyll and hyde characters. It saps your self esteem and can cause you to question your own version of events.
I am definitely struggling at the moment with who is really the "bad guy" in our relationship even though from a pragmatic point of view it is his drinking that is the issue not my moods/whether or not my family like him/whether or not we have sex regularly etc etc.

So, look after yourself and make sure you find a way to move on from this if you do decide to leave with a little peace.

Wishing you all the best. x x

maryz · 24/03/2010 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NanaNina · 24/03/2010 20:03

usedtobehappy - have you name changed by any chance - it's just your story sounds so like another one on the MH thread. Sorry I don't want to sound inquisitive or unsympathetic but just wondered.

nighbynight · 24/03/2010 20:34

usedtobe, all of us who have lived with abusers have been strung along for years with promises that things will improve.
I only realised after leaving violent ex (he was not alcoholic) how badly the experience had affected my childrne.

Original poster

usedtobehappy · 24/03/2010 22:19

NanaNina: no name changes here. What is the thread? Maybe it will help me!
NIGHBYNIGHT: how do you know you are being abused? I am so strong (according to people who know me) so how has this happened to me??I think if there was physical violence I would make my decision more easily. This is like a tug or war between my heart and my head. My heart is screaming "leave!" and my head is saying " you cannot leave someone in despair". yet I am in despair too. Can people with MEntal health issues choose when to be lucid and when they are not? I so want out but am weighing all things up and don't know what is best. This is terribly confusing, I know, please bear with me

OP posts:

willsurvivethis · 24/03/2010 22:28

It's this thread NanaNina means - I know that because I thought the same but wasn't brave enough to ask.

willsurvivethis · 24/03/2010 22:35

How do you know if you are being abused? Well not by seeing how strong you are - I am strong and yet it happened to me.

Abuse in my definition is if you are prevented from being and expressing yourself in whatever way - not allowed/discouraged from seeing friends, criticised for how you do the washing up, expected to do things in a certain way, never doing it right, being judged by constantly changing rules. It can be very subtle and often the abuser can be dysfunctional rather than evil.

In the end only you can decide if you are being abused although others may tell you, until you see it nothing can and will happen. The thread I just linked to is a nice example of that, no offence at all to Snowkitten.

Original poster

usedtobehappy · 26/03/2010 17:58

no news here. just keeping my toes in so my thread doesn't run cold.

OP posts:

nighbynight · 26/03/2010 21:42

usedtobe - sorry, I only just saw your question to me. I can't really improve on willsurvive's answer.
It does take ages to understand how bad things have become, and how abnormal the lives of you and your children have become.
What you have described about your lives sounds awful.
Im also often described as strong - Ive had to be, because ex h was such a dead loss.

What you have posted is mostly your feelings of guilt towards your h if you leave him - what about your feelings of guilt towards your children if you DONT leave him?
I think it is very hard, when you are in a position of being abused, to understand how badly it is affecting your children. But if you start a thread asking for peoples experiences of growing up with an alcoholic parent, I bet you will get some pretty clear replies.

There is lots of advice on here about the practicalities of leaving. It may not be easy at first, but the initial phase is the worst, you will manage it until things improve. Everything is so much easier when you are not dragging the dead weight of an abuser along with you.

Original poster

usedtobehappy · 31/03/2010 13:30

how can i get HIM out? I have nowhere to go. Family will put me up but no one has space for three of us. He will not voluntarily go but I cannto get him evicted from his own home can i?

OP posts:

Original poster

usedtobehappy · 31/03/2010 16:22

bumping

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2010 16:29

WHo owns the house or, if it's rented, whose name is on the tenancy agreement? TBH as he is an alcoholic who is abusive, you probably can throw him out (h's an adult, where he goes is his lookout) because it is the children's home and they have the right to not share it with a knob whose behaviour is causing them distress. Check this out with Women's Aid (I am personally always in favour of it being the abusive partner who is forcd out of the house, because it's that person's fault).

Original poster

usedtobehappy · 31/03/2010 18:36

the house is in both our names. We have no mortgage.

OP posts:

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