Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

COULD YOU LEAVE YOUR DH IF HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION

54 replies

usedtobehappy · 23/03/2010 20:46

I really want to. things have been getting steadily worse over the past 6 months. He is on AD's (fluoxitine) but continues to drink to excess starting in the morning. Usually around 3 - 4 botrles of wine per day though he doesn't acknowledge that I know! He is currently off work as they became aware of his ever increasingly odd behaviour. We have two children. His behaviour at home is totallly unacceptable. He shuffles around in his dressing gown, diong SFA all day. I firmly believe that his depressions is all down to the drinking not the other way round. he has seen a doctr and specialist but still rubbishes them about his drinking. I cannot adequatelly describe the tension and putrid atmosphere in the hosue. We hvae had issues in teh past (him not be) which has resulted in me now being totally unable to support him as I despise what he has done.is doing to me and our children now.
there is a part of me that cannot leave because of his depressin but i realy feel that even if he was well again I wouldn't want to be here. What do i do?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 23/03/2010 20:49

no,sorry,if he had no interest in helping himself, then i'd be gone

allegrageller · 23/03/2010 20:50

It sounds to me as if your mind is already made up on the whole and for what it's worth I think you are making the right decsion by leaving.

At very least it may shock him into taking some action. Sounds harsh but may well be true.

onepieceoflollipop · 23/03/2010 20:52

No one can tell if someone has a true clinical depression if that person is drinking so much.

If he is willing to accept professional help then I would probably stay. Otherwise - no way.

He needs to access help via GP/Community Alcohol Service (called different things in different areas). He would probably benefit from being seen by a Psychiatrist specialising in Alcohol/Substance Misuse. If he is interested in this (and it has to be his decision, not yours) then the GP will make the appropriate referrals.

onepieceoflollipop · 23/03/2010 20:52

Sorry, just re-read your op more carefully.

Sounds as if he has no intention of dealing with these issues.

electrofagz · 23/03/2010 20:55

I'd be out of that door immediately

maryz · 23/03/2010 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2010 20:56

What ThreeBlonde said.

willsurvivethis · 23/03/2010 21:04

Alcohol is a depressant - 3/4 bottles a day make anyone depressed - does the person who prescribes him fluoxetine know he's drinking that much?

I think I would leave in the hope that it would shock him into realising he's about to lose everything

coldtits · 23/03/2010 21:06

I could leave him if he was the Pope. I can do as i please, I'm my own person and I live my life as I see fit, not how other people think I should.

You cannot support him, all you can do is distance your children from the consequences of his drinking

fortyplus · 23/03/2010 21:07

Many alcoholics never address the problem because their kind, understanding families are enabling the behaviour. You need to leave - you'll be doing him a favour too in the long run.

Original poster
usedtobehappy · 23/03/2010 21:11

thank you all. there is so much more to all this that I cannot put down here as it would take too long. he is awfl to live with. Everything I say he turns around to make it poisonous. he hax told me tha tif i leave he will kill himself. He has told lies about me to his family and friends that I am unsupportive but I am doing EVERYTHING, absolutely everything. he sits around in his dressing gown sneaking about takng swigs when he can. he acts confused ,and stammers and shuffles about but seems to be able to make it to the off licence with no problem. I cannot describe teh toxic atmosphere here. it is awful - I hate it. My children hate it in their own way too. I am so worn out and bewildered. I have rung women's aid but I do not want to uproute to an unknown area where i may end up sharing accommodation.I am lost

OP posts:
Original poster
usedtobehappy · 23/03/2010 21:14

he has been offered help through his work. i told him if he didn't go and get help, i would leave

OP posts:
Original poster
usedtobehappy · 23/03/2010 21:16

he has a collerague here at the moment which is why i can type freely and strangely enough there is no hint of depressoon now. he asked for a cup of tea which he has not ever drunk in hte evening in all the time I have known him (20 years). What a fucker. Makes me want him to choke to death in a pool of vomit

OP posts:
blinder · 23/03/2010 21:30

Usedtobehappy it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. You need some support. Why not look into womens aid? They are very helpful and will not pressure you.

To answer your question, in your place I would definitely leave. The important question is not what is best for him, but are you happy? Also, alcohol dependent people rarely change when they are in relationships because the relationship itself keeps the addiction going. Every time you help him or cover for him, you are delaying the day when he has to face his problems.

It's truly best to end a relationship that is hurting you. You deserve to be happy.

blinder · 23/03/2010 21:32

Sorry I see you have looked into womens aid. They can give you support other than refuges though. It would probably help you just to chat with a listener first.

Original poster
usedtobehappy · 23/03/2010 21:40

blinder - i am so confused as to whether this is an abusive relationship. I recenlty exploded, spitting fire about all he had done to me in the past or rather what he hadn't done. never supported me throuhg any crisis, never been there when i needed help with children. riduculed me when i used to get panic attacks (now that's irony for you). I told him that h feel dead inside for him and still he tells me he needs him. All he has ever done to help is earn teh money which i did before my 2nd child came along 3 adn a half years ago. he has never looked after our two chilren. I have never had a day out on my own. Surely i deserve better. i am strong, lively, fun but this is all being drained from me by his depression and drinking. (he has been drinking for years btw) it is just that i never knew to what extent

OP posts:
Original poster
usedtobehappy · 23/03/2010 21:41

how do you leave?!

OP posts:
blinder · 23/03/2010 21:51

Well usedtobehappy you do sound angry and hurt. Ridiculing you is a sign of emotional abuse. The toxic atmosphere sounds similar to my experience of an abusive relationship. Maybe your situation is different but I suggest you go back to womens aid and talk it through with someone.

How you leave, and when, will depend on your specific circumstances. I don't know enough about your situation to tell you. But in my case, once I had decided that I was definitely going, everything started falling into place. It took me a long time to get to that point but one day I knew enough was enough.

Original poster
usedtobehappy · 23/03/2010 21:54

what mnade you come to that point? I am at that point but cannot make the leap. don't want to upheave the children but know that this is not a nice way to live. so very confusing. i will have mo money, no means of supporting my children. how do I get our possessions out so that the children are not without them? We have 3 kittens too. I couldn;t leave them behind. I need a fairy godmother!

OP posts:
blinder · 23/03/2010 21:54

Then, in my situation it took me a few months to put some money away and find a rented house, apply for benefits and do all the practical stuff. Life by myself and with my son was fabulous pretty much straight away. The relief of not having to tiptoe around someone was amazing.

Snorbs · 23/03/2010 21:58

Living with an actively drinking alcoholic will suck the very life out of you. I've been there, I've done that, and you have my sympathies because it can be bloody horrible.

I would recommend you stop listening to what he says about his drinking and, instead, look at what he does. Anti-depressants will do nothing useful if he's drinking heavily. Alcohol is a depressant itself, of course.

The simple truth is that, right now, he has no intention of stopping drinking. And his drinking is making your life intolerable. The tension that causes, not to mention his unpredictability and bad treatment of you, is not good for your children either.

Yes, of course you deserve better than a crippled relationship with a self-centred drug addict. You deserve to be happy. And, as tricky as life can be as a single parent it's blissful compared to life with an active alcoholic. My life, and my children's lives, are so much more calm and fun-filled now than when I was with my ex it's astonishing. I've really seen the difference in my children too.

blinder · 23/03/2010 22:01

What brought me to that point sounds quite trivial but it was the last straw. He woke the baby by stampeding into the bedroom to complain about the housework. I just thought I'm not doing this any more.

The practical side of moving can seem overwhelming. Do some research. Find out what benefits you might be entitled to. See if you can get on a housing list. Take your time and do things one small step at a time. It does eventually come together. You might be a bit worse off but you won't starve. You might even be better off without someone wasting the money. I was.

I don't usually reply to threads like this because I believe women need to come to a decision by themselves but I am going by my instinct and just replying so that you know it IS possible.

blinder · 23/03/2010 22:06

Talking of fairy godmothers, do you have a good friend who might support you? Someone who you can confide in maybe?

nighbynight · 23/03/2010 22:23

Leave him, and don't feel guilty. Your children will be grateful later.

It is hard, but his problems shouldn't ruin the children's lives, they have a right to a stress free childhood.

LittleWhiteWolf · 23/03/2010 22:32

You are perfectly within your rights to get away from him--you are not obligated to be dragged down with him.
Not the same, but I offered an ultimatum to my father 6 months ago: get help or get out of my life. You must protect yourself and your children and it may be the reality check he needs.
Dont feel guilty.