I'm sorry, I just don't really know where else to go.

[LucyDeSpiderman]

After spending another day in tears, with 2 crying children, in an absolute shithole of a house, I thought I'd post here for advice.
Since my daughter was born in January I've found myself feeling increasingly hopeless. I ust don't know what to do. My house is in such a state, I'm ashamed that we live here, ashamed that I'm bringing up 2 children in this dump, but nothing at all can motivate me to get up off my fat arse to do something about it. My little boy, who'll be 2 next week, spends all day watching telly. I never get us up & dressed to go out & do anything, we just sit in the house all the time. I find it so difficult to get us all ready & out the door. I don't drive, I'm desperate to learn but we can't even afford to send off for my provisional licence. I love my children, I know I do, but I get so angry with them. Dd spends all day crying, she sleeps for no more than 15 minutes at a time & spends the rest of the time crying. If she does go to sleep, chances are my son will wake her up. His behaiviour is terrible, and I know it's my fault because he's had such a shit life so far, but I don't know what to do to make him happy. I'm disgustingly fat, I bought a new pair of jeans the other day, a size 18, and they don't fit, they're too tight. But I just keep eating. I know if I told my mom how I'm feeling she'd be here straight away to help me, but I feel ashamed. I go to college once a week, I'm desperate to be a midwife so I'm doing an access course, but I'm behind on my work because I can't be bothered. I keep lieing to myself, saying that the reason I haven't been doing it is because I don't have time, but if I'm being honest, it's because I'm just too lazy. I keep thinking that my children would be so much happier with somebody else. I shout at my son, and I can't make my beautiful little baby girl stop crying. I love them so much, and I want the best for them, but how can I give that to them when I don't even take them out? It's ridiculous. My oh knows I'm feeling a bit crap, but he works so he doesn't see how I am during the day, and he doesn't seem to understand what's wrong with me. I think he thinks I'm lazy. Which I am, but you know what I mean. I don't know what I'm expecting people to say. Say it's normal? I really don't know what to do, and feel so silly just writing all of this for strangers to read, but I can't bring myself to tell anyvbody in 'real life'.

I hope nobody minds me coming pack and posting again. My Mom had the dc last night so my dp and I could go out. I was having quite a good time, then as we were walking home I had a major breakdown. I didn't know what to do, my oh was useless, he really doesn't understand. I was so, so scared, I was having terrible thoughts & I just felt so confused. I was repeating things over & over again, about the dc, I couldn't stop myself. It was horrible.
I slept when we got home, for around 5 hours. I dreamt that my son was about to be trampled by hundreds of cows, and I was trying desperately to get to him to help him, but I couldn't. When I woke up this morning I felt better, I thought last nights what happened must have been because I'd had a drink. Then I spoke to my Mom to see how they were, and she told me she was taking them to feed the ducks at the river. As soon as I put the phone down I broke down again. I was thinking my son might fall in the river, or my daughters pushchair could roll in there. I was crying, but dp just acted asthough I was putting it on. I tried ringing my Mom back, but couldn't get through to her for ages, I was so scared. When I finally did she said she'd bring them home as soon as they'd eaten etc, she wouldn't take them to the ducks without me. She's going to get me some help. She says I have to go to the doctors either today or tomorrow. What if they think I'm making it up? What do I even say to him? I don't know. I'm just waiting for my Mom now, she told me to have a bath and wait for her. I'm sorry if this isn't making sense, I'm not even expecting anyone to read it, it just feels so good to just type, and see it all written down.
I don't know why I have these thoughts. I'm always thinking about what could happen to them. When we're getting dressed to go out I start thinking 'but what if ds gets run over'. Whenever we're in a car I get so scared that we'll be in a crash. I just want to protect them. I shouldn't have gone out, I shouldn't have left them, they need me.
I hope the doctor can help.

I have had serever depression episodes and your posts speak to me

please go to the doctor and tell everything you are telling here

you have depression

you're going to be ok you just need to get some help to get you started on the rod to recovery

huge from me
take car and keep posting
x

that should say severe not whatever it says up there

Hi Lucy, only just reading this thread but and wanted to reply to your most recent post as you sound so scared. Your mum is right you should call the doctors tomorrow, if you think you will struggle with what to say maybe jot things down today? When I went to the GP (I had PND) they have a set of questions the ask you, like a scale, to see how depressed and anxious you are. Definately go lots of mums feel like this it is nothing to be ashamed of and you will feel relieved to tell somebody.

Also, having a break or a night out while they are with your mum is good for them and for you so please don't feel guilty about it. Maybe you cold just have a short amount of time regularly if your mum lives nearby??

I really feel for you as I have been there.

second what has already been said - you sound depressed, all of what you said sounds so familiar. I struggled on for months just thinking what I was feeling was normal and had to be accepted as part of modern life, no family support near, family, job, money worries etc etc. I posted here and was advised to go to the docs. I did and it was without doubt the best thing I have done for years. I broke down in the surgery, was prescribed ADs immediately. First week wasn't much fun but then they kicked in and I feel like a different person. I was on the phone to my Mum yesterday and said I felt better than for years and I couldnt believe it-I have felt happy for 2 weeks now! Money worries, pressures etc still there but I now feel like I can deal with things and I am no longer plagued with those awful, torturing thoughts you were describing. It isn't you going mad! It is part of the symtpoms of an awful illness but it can and will get better if you get help.

Thankyou for the replies. I'm feeling ok atm. The problems seem to be coming in episodes. I've spent the day with my Mom, we took the dc to the ducks. My Mom says she'll ring the doctors in the morning for me (she's much more forceful than me, if they tell me I need to wait until Thursday, I'll wait until Thursday, whereas if they tell her I have to wait until Thursday, chances are I'll see them tomorrow ) and then coming with me for a bit of moral support. I have to admit, I feel like I maybe shouldn't go to the doctor. At the moment I feel fine, completely normal, so if I can feel normal, then am I just going through some sort of phase? My Mom seems really worried about me. I think I'm going to go to the dr's and he'll say there's nothing wrong with me. What would people think then?
My oh still doesn't understand. I don't know if we will stay together. This has been so difficult for me, but last night when I was really bad he just kept walking away, saying why should he deal with it. This morning he said I should see the 'quack'. I have no sex drive whatsoever. Really, nothing. I know it's not a permanent thing, it's not like we'll never be close again, but he keeps saying I obviously don't love him. He was asking me this morning to pleasure him (sorry!) and I refused. He came downstairs before me, he got up & left when I got upset worrying about ds. I came down after he'd left and the laptop was still open (he left in a hurry) with porn on the screen. I haven't said anything. I don't have a problem with him watching it, but watching it while I'm crying upstairs seems a little out of order.
He's spent the rent money too, so now we'll have to use some of the money planned for my little boys birthday on the rent. Sinse I got home (around 4ish) he hasn't moved off the sofa, even though my Mom explained to him what's happening & told him I need support. I suppose we'll see what happens tomorrow after I've seen the doctor. Right now I think I have to concentrate on my children and myself, and if he can't accept that then he's not worth my time really.
Sorry, it was another long one. It's quite theraputic really, this

Lucy, do go to the doctors, I put off going for ages and ages it is really great your mum will support you in getting there, let her push you around a bit if need be that's what mums are for.

No sex drive is also very common with PND, trouble is if your partner is not supportive by the time it comes back you may find you have no respect for him and even less desire for him. What did he spend the rent money on?? Has he left the laptop like that to make a point? How very hurtful and insensitive if so! Despite you feeling down you sound like a strong woman and I don't doubt that you will get through this. I think you are right to focus on your dcs and yourself, and let your mum help out and be there for you.

I went to the doctors. I broke down in there, luckily my mom came in with me & spoke for me. I've been given fluoxetine, which means I have to stop breastfeeding. The dr told me there weren't any anti-d's I could take while breastfeeding, which my mom and I have since realised was a lie. I'm not sure what to do. I know I need to take something, I feel like I'm getting worse, I feel not only sad, but angry too. I'm finding it impossible to see the positives in anything, only negatives. My dp cleaned the kitchen yesterday. It was disgusting, and I was quite sure it was one of the reasons I was feeling like this, but now it's done, I feel no better.
My Dad has really let me down too. It's my sons 2nd birthday on Thursday, so on Saturday we want to take him out for the day. I don't drive and neither does dp, so we've asked our parents to help us out. My mom said yes straight away, but we needed another car too as we wouldn't all fit in one. So I asked dps mom, she obviously wasn't interested, said she'd let me know then told us yesterday that she'd let us know by tomorrow because she might be going away to landsend . So, I ring my Dad. My Dad has a girlfriend, but because of work, and the fact that they live half an hours drive apart, they only see eachother on the weekend - all day Saturday & Sunday. I wouldn't usually dream of asking my Dad to miss out on his time with his partner, but this is his grandsons birthday. I asked him yesterday, he said he'd get back to me, which he just has saying that he only sees his dp on the weekend bla bla bla. I'm so upset. It's his grandsons birthday for fucks sake. We can't ask dp's Dad because he is so overweight that he struggles to get from his car into our house. My Dad has said that he will let us use his car (he has a 7 seater) so we can still go, and I appreciate that, but I think my son would really love it if his grandad came out with us for his birthday. Is that really too much to ask? It's a few hours, then he could go to see his dp. So that hasn't helped.
I need to decide what to do re medication. I have an appointment with a psychiatric nurse next Wednesday, but I don't know what to do until then. This is all such a mess.

Lucy - is there only one GP at your surgery ?? Can you go to see another one (or the same one) and take a list of anti-d's you know are safe to use whilst b'fing and request a prescription for one of those... If you do a post on here, posters will be able to suggest some alternative ones to ask for. I think its important to start taking something as soon as possible but I suspect stopping b'fing if its not your choice will make things worse.

Can your father's dp not come on the day out as well ?

She'd be more than welcome Tillyscoutsmum, but before I'd had chance to suggest it to my Dad he had started making his excuses about why he didn't want to couldn't come, and then I just felt like I don't particularly want him there. Cutting my nose of to spite my face, I know .
Oh, and there is another gp there, but he's not brilliant. Neither of them are apparently. Think it may be time to change